That’s right, motherfuckers, we made it all the way to the season finale!  After this we’ve only got seven more seasons of this shit, then maybe I’ll finally go get my Masters degree or something…

We open with DJ jamming out in her room to the latest hit by short-lived 80’s pop sensation Stacey Q.  Her hairbrush-as-microphone routine is interrupted by Kimmy Gibbler, who arrives with a forged note from her brother so she can get out of school tomorrow to get Stacey Q’s autograph at the mall.  Apparently it’s the perfect crime because her parents are in Vegas, which is the first of many indications to come that Kimmy Gibbler’s parents don’t give a shit about her.  For some reason all the wacky neighbors on these TGIF shows had severely negligent parents.  Remember Urkel’s Mom and Dad?  Man, they hated his ass.  That’s a little more understandable, though, on account of Urkel was always testing out inventions that destroyed everything.  Kimmy Gibbler, on the other hand, is an amazing human being.

Down in the living room, Danny prepares for an overnight trip to L.A. to cover a surfing tournament.  He writes a long, anal-retentive list of emergency contacts for the Uncles that includes Grandma even though she mysteriously disappeared after the 4th episode.  You’d think Danny would have an emergency number to call to find out what the hell happened to her…

DJ tries to get Danny to sign a note excusing her from school so she can go meet Stacey Q. but Danny aint havin’ it.  He gives her a patronizing speech about responsibility and heads out the door, leaving DJ alone to plan her next move.

Jesse is in his room practicing his shitty ass music when DJ comes in and says she’d like to interview him for an essay on the person she admires most.  Really she’s just taking advantage of his vanity in order to get him to recount a story of successfully ditching school as a youth.  Jesse falls for it and tells a story about how, once upon a time, young Uncle Jesse faked illness, got his mom to call in to the school, then convinced her that he was well enough to go to school after all and, finally, got away with ditching because he already had the called-in excused absence.  DJ promptly leaves the room after acquiring this information, which you’d think would make Jesse suspicious.  She doesn’t even humor him at all, she just gets the information and gets out of there.

In the very next scene DJ does a bunch of tricks to appear to be sick and then reports her illness to Joey and Stephanie.  Joey calls the school to let them know that DJ won’t be attending and then she miraculously recovers.  Joey expresses suspicion but ultimately concludes that she must have been faking illness to avoid a test but was so guilty over her deceit that she decided to go after all.  He says he’s proud of her and then let’s her leave.

DJ and Kimmy finally get to meet Stacey Q!  What an amazing event!  As they’re leaving the store with their brand-new autographed 8X10’s they see Joey, who gets in the Stacey Q. line while holding Michelle on a leash.  DJ and Kimmy hide behind a display but since Michelle is allowed to run free on an extremely long leash (it’s bad enough that he keeps her on a leash, but it actually looks like it’s just a phone cord he’s tied around her) she discovers them and unwittingly outs them to Joey.  Boy does Uncle Joey get pissed!

Joey proceeds to call Jesse and insist that he come home early from his exterminator job.  I guess he’s stilll got that job… there’s no mention of his other job as an Elvis impersonator, so I’m not sure yet if we’ll ever hear about it again…  Anyway, Jesse eats a big plate of fried chicken while Joey describes the fast one DJ pulled on him.  Jesse finally realizes that she wasn’t really writing an essay about what a cool guy he is and the two angry Uncles discuss what to do about their unruly niece.

The Uncles head up to DJ’s room and assign escalating punishments until DJ expresses remorse and declares that she hates herself.  The Uncles soften and decide that it would be best if they don’t tell Danny about what happened, especially since it would draw attention to what a couple of fuck-up idiots they are.  This seems kind of redundant, though, as the abundant clarity of this is pretty much the basis of this entire show.

Danny comes home and shouts, “cowabunga, dudes!!” while wearing an outfit that makes you want to punch him in the face even more than usual.

DJ and the Uncles maintain their false pretense of innocence for literally seconds until Stephanie comes home and blows the lid off their whole operation.  When she says that DJ looks, “so much better,” (referring to her being sick) Danny is perplexed.  When DJ claims that this is a reference to her getting her hair done, Stephanie declares, “you got gypped.”  The term, “gypped,” is actually a racist term that refers to gypsies as people who steal or make dishonest transactions and is comparable to saying that someone was, “jewed” when they are overcharged for something.  You know, when I tune into Full House, I expect wholesome family entertainment, not hateful bigotry.  You’d think that a remark like that would lead to a heartwarming talk in order to instill better values, but in this case no one even bats an eye.  I guess everyone in the full house hates gypsies.

So, anyway, the Uncles try to cover up the whole incident but Stephanie fucks it up even more by busting out the homework that DJ missed and pretty soon the cats outta the bag.  Stephanie is outraged by being made an accomplice in this web of lies and Danny is pretty mad, too.  He takes the Uncles aside and wags his fingers at them while declaring, “I want to know everything that goes on in my daughter’s lives,” which seems like kind of a tall order.  Seriously, everything?  Wouldn’t it be enough if they just didn’t lie to him about shit?

Danny and the Uncles patch things up and then Danny has a heartwarming chat with DJ about not being selfish.  The music comes on and everybody hugs, thus bringing the first season of the worst sitcom of all time to a close.

And there you have it, we made it through Season 1.  I thought about taking a break between seasons but I think I’ll just power through.  Why prolong this torture?  Next week I’ll be running a review of Season 1 as a whole, plus an extra bonus article, and then we’ll get started on season 2 the following Friday.

Firsts:  Season finale, Kimmy’s negligent parents

Jesse has been sneaking in and out of the full house with a mysterious blue duffle bag and the rest of the family wants to know what it’s all about.  Their bombardment of invasive inquiries is cut short by an abrupt entrance by Joey, who announces that his mom has just cashed in a savings bond for him and he got a wad of cash.  It’s literally in a big wad, which is pretty weird.  I wonder what it’s held together with?  Sweat, I’d guess.

Joey buys all the kids fancy presents and promises gifts for Jesse and Danny, too.  Later, Jesse eats a big bowl of fried chicken and speculates with Danny about what their gifts are.  Danny replies with confidence that he’s sure that Joey will take this occasion to pay him back $800 he borrowed 11 years ago.  Apparently this is the first time in history that Joey’s been good for it.  Danny regales Jesse with a touching scenario he’s imagined in which he’s such a gentleman that he refuses Joey’s repayment.  Danny seems to really look forward to this premeditated saintly gesture.

Meanwhile, in the other room, DJ is compelled to go through Jesse’s blue bag so she can find out what the big secret is.  She tries to lure Michelle into opening it by planting cookies inside, which really isn’t any better than just opening it herself.  DJ’s plan is foiled but the baby gets the cookie anyway, which causes to audience to really lose their shit.  What’s so applause worthy about a baby finding a cookie?  I mean, really, what’s the big fucking deal?

Joey returns bearing gifts, and it turns out that he got Jesse and Danny the same thing:  lifetime passes to some amusement park.

Danny gets all annoyed and then he really loses it when he finds out that Joey bought an expensive ass pinball machine.  He starts lecturing him about not being such a fuckhead with his money and then he starts to lay into him about old debts.  Joey claims he has no old debts and at this point it becomes clear that the money-lending incident from 11 years ago hasn’t really come up since it happened.  Joey apologizes and immediately offers the money but Danny refuses, claiming that he only wanted the offer of the money.  What the fuck?  It’s like, Danny was just having a daydream about a touching moment that could have transpired between himself and Joey and then he gets all pissed off when it doesn’t happen just like he imagined it even though it was based on some shit from 11 years ago.  The worst part about it is that it makes me feel sympathetic towards Joey.

So it turns out that Uncle Jesse is a secret Elvis impersonator.  He’s been trying to save up money so he can record some demo tapes and this is what he’s resorted to.  The family is actually pretty supportive when they find out and insist that they come see his show.

In the very next scene, they see his show.  There’s a crappy Marilyn Monroe impersonator and Danny and Joey bitch at each other.  Pretty soon Jesse comes out and does his Elvis performance, which is an extended medley that goes on for-fucking-EVER!  All the schticks on this show always feel like they’re just for killing time.

As the family reenters the full house, the girls do their own Elvis impressions, both of which are infuriatingly obnoxious and not cute at all.

As soon as the girls take their grating performances upstairs, Danny and Joey immediately start fighting over the money again.  They’re interrupted by Jesse’s coming home with the Marilyn Monroe impersonator on his arm.

I think we might be learning a new interesting fact about Jesse here because I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of a Marilyn impersonator in San Francisco that wasn’t packin’ a little surprise.  Jesse reports that he’s been offered the Elvis gig permanently and wonders if he should take it.

Joey and Danny have a fight in the kitchen over how to make a sandwich and I guess it’s supposed to be reflective of their personalities (I’m really digging deep here).  They continue their argument and Joey begins to confront Danny about his boring and anal-retentive ways.

It was already pretty evident that Danny was a big corny nerd but this seems to be the start of the neat-freak persona his character develops (ooh, character development AND foreshadowing…  Way to pull out all the stops, Full House.)

So anyway, Danny and Joey keep bitching at each other until Jesse comes in asking for advice about whether or not he should take the Elvis job.

They both think that he should take it but they argue over the reasons for it.  Jesse thanks them for the advice and then they argue for another minute and then the music comes on and they begin to exhibit tender emotions.  This time it’s like the music actually came on and was the cause of them not being mad anymore.  Finally Joey and Danny remember that, despite their differences, they have immortal boners for each other.

Firsts:  Jesse’s Elvis impersonator job, Danny’s anal retentiveness

My apologies to those of you who lost sleep this past week while waiting to find out whether or not Uncle Jesse has really left the full house for good.  As for the rest of you, who probably can’t be bothered to scroll down the screen to read the previous episodes review, here’s a brief synopsis of what you missed:

Uncle Jesse was supposed to get the full house to himself all weekend and he was gonna bang the headboard nonstop with his new woman but then the family cancelled their trip and made Jesse sing “If You’re Happy and You Know It” while he had blue balls and so he finally got fed up with everyone’s stupid bullshit and snuck off in the night, leaving only a note that said he wasn’t sure if he was ever coming back.

Man, I should summarize all the episodes that quickly.  I’d have a lot more time to read books.

So, anyway: now what’s gonna happen, you guys?  Is Uncle Jesse ever coming back or what???

Danny’s first reaction is to lie to his children by saying that Jesse just went on vacation.  The kids go for it and are temporarily at ease but Jesse’s absence is soon felt when Joey makes some shitty ass pancakes.  Jesse calls about a minute later, immediately killing any sense of suspense.  For those of you who were wondering where Uncle Jesse went, wait no longer!  He’s skiing in Tahoe and doesn’t know when he’ll be back, but he left his emergency contact info just in case.  How thoughtful!  And what does Uncle Jesse get in return for this act of consideration?  Stephanie asks if she can use his room while he’s gone.  Damn, it’s like she doesn’t care at all.

Uncle Jesse and his pals all gather together in a cabin and sing “Love Machine.”  This strikes me as odd because I thought that sitting around with a bunch of corny assholes and singing songs was exactly what made him run away from home.  I thought he’d be bangin’ his woman.

Anyway, after blowing the roof off that bitch they decide to go skiing and there’s a lengthy bit about Jesse putting his ski clothes on that really never goes anywhere.  It takes him a long time to put all his ski clothes on and then he gets tired.  What’s the joke?

Meanwhile, back at the full house, Danny does a really shitty job of trying to replace Jesse’s role as DJ’s guitar teacher.

DJ asks if Jesse has left for good and there is heartfelt emotion as Danny explains that Uncle Jesse’s going through some shit right now.  In the very next scene DJ recruits Stephanie to cook up a zany scheme to bring Uncle Jesse back.  They call the cabin in Tahoe and leave a message with one of Jesse’s homeys alleging that the baby is sick.

Jesse returns to his corny friends and is told about the sick baby message.  He tries not to spend too much time worrying and his friends urge him to perform, “The Boys Are Back In Town” with them to take his mind off of it.  But their shitty sing-a-long is overwhelmed in Jesse mind by a montage of moments between him and Michelle, set to, “Baby Love.”

Pretty much every shot of Jesse and Michelle from the previous 18 episodes is shown, and when they run out there are some new vignettes of them having quality time together, like by playing cards and eating ice cream and stuff like that.

Jesse is so moved by these heartwarming memories that he immediately says goodbye to his corny friends and heads back to the full house.

So Jesse comes back and then he finds out right away that Michelle’s not really sick.  He gets all mad and then he has a heartwarming talk with Danny and Joey.  Jesse realizes that living in the full house fills an empty space in his heart that he didn’t even know was there.  So you might think that it would wrap up there but then he has a heartwarming talk with Stephanie and DJ, too.

And as if all that’s not tedious enough, Jesse then goes and has a heartwarming talk with Michelle, which is when the music comes on.  And it’s a really long scene, too!  But at least it’s the last one.

Ok, so I think the problem here is pretty obvious.  The shows writers have a hard enough time writing a single episode, so when they had to write a two-parter they just wee-wee’d their way through the whole thing.  There’s so much awkward padding in both of these episodes, from the extended dream sequence in the previous episode to the clips montage in this one, followed by a series of drawn out heartwarming talks.  Full House usually fails at being funny, but this time it didn’t even try.  I know that it’s a given that every episode of this shows sucks and everything, but this one’s awful in the worst way.

Firsts:  Montage of old clips

Jesse is really excited because the entire family is going to Disneyland and leaving him home alone to bang his girlfriend in peace.  He has trouble shooing everyone out except for Stephanie, who’s so excited about her upcoming trip to the magic kingdom that she’s having a manic episode.

As soon as the family’s finally gone, Jesse calls up his woman, Samantha, who he has apparently been dating for a month even though she’s never been on the show before.  They play tennis and then he takes her home and offers to make her fried chicken.  Ok, so that’s the third Uncle Jesse fried chicken thing in as many episodes, which I think qualifies it as a character trait.  Man, I thought that Uncle Jesse was a shallow character because it seemed like his whole persona could be summarized by his hair, his love of Elvis and his constant pining for hot poonana.  But I just wasn’t looking deep enough.  He also likes fried chicken.

So Jesse and his woman are preparing to get down and get nasty when, unbeknownst to them, the family returns to the full house.  Apparently their flight was cancelled because of fog.  Why were they even flying?  Disneyland’s not really all that far from San Francisco.  For all the cost and trouble of flying your whole family, I think you’d just as soon drive.  It wouldn’t even take much longer.  But anyway, whatever.

Stephanie is all mopey so Danny tries to cheer her up by promising “family fun night”.  Stephanie is inconsolable and runs up to her room, prompting the audience (with the help of a big teleprompter, I’m sure) to go, “aww.”

Jesse discovers that the family has come home when he walks in on Joey and the girls eating his romantic dinner spread.  That’s right, they just walked into the kitchen and immediately started eating Jesse’s dinner.

So not only does Jesse get robbed of his only opportunity to shout expletives when he busts a nut, but his dinner gets eaten, too.  Shitty.

So Jesse and Stephanie are both all bummed out because of the cancelled trip to Disneyland. They both sulk during family fun night, although you can’t really blame them for not having a good time when everyone else’s idea of family fun is a group sing-a-long of “If You’re Happy and You Know It.”  That’s seriously what they do for fun.  That’s fucking crazy.

Stephanie runs up to her room again and DJ goes to talk with her as family fun night officially disbands.  Meanwhile, Jesse is trying to make a plan with Samantha about when he’s finally gonna get to give her the business when the baby rolls up.   Nothing spoils a woman’s reproductive urges quite like an ugly baby.

DJ gives Stephanie a pep talk about not getting what you want and the episode with the cereal commercial is mentioned.  Wow, they sited an incident from another episode!  I’m amazed!  Anyway, DJ has a talk with Stephanie and then Danny comes in and talks with her, too, and then the music comes on.  One thing that’s interesting about this talk is that Danny is really assertive about making both DJ and Stephanie say that they enjoyed family fun night even though it’s pretty clear that Danny’s idea of family fun sucks ass even when there’s not a canceled trip to Disneyland involved.  I mean, a fucking sing-a-long?  Who does that?

So Stephanie’s problem is resolved but Jesse’s persists.  He parleys with Joey about the quality of living in the full house.  One of Jesse’s points is that living in the full house is like having three kids but without the tax write-off, to which Joey replies, “technically you could if you married Danny.”  Oh, poor, innocent Joey, so blissfully unaware of the plight of the oppressed…

Jesse details his existential angst but Joey’s not much help because he’s a useless idiot.  In the next scene Jesse is sleeping when Samantha comes in all ready to bang him.

All of a sudden the girls come in one by one, making demands, and then the other dads enter the scene and it quickly becomes clear that Jesse is having a dream.  Each of the characters appears and repeats a single line over and over again, (“Help me with my homework,” “You’re their Uncle,” etc.), so there’s not much too it, but the sequence goes on like they had minutes of airtime to kill.  First they all enter the room, then they keep disappearing and reappearing, then they’re all grouped together in front of a fisheye lens, then each of them has an individual fisheye lens shot, then they’re all in front of the lens together again, all the while repeating the same line of dialogue over and over again.

The only other remarkable thing about this scene is that both of the Olsen twins appear at once, I guess because in Jesse’s mind, two of the baby would be even more anxiety inducing than just one. Or maybe the director just thought, “since we got two of this kid, we might as well use ‘em both.”

In the morning the other Dads come in to Jesse’s room only to find a note that says he’s left and he doesn’t know when or even if he’ll be back.  Oh, man, what a cliffhanger!

Firsts:  Audience goes, “aww,”  an incident from a previous epsidoe is acknowledged, both Olsen twins onscreen at once.

DJ passes up going to the church bake sale with Kimmy Gibbler because she’s anxiously awaiting the arrival of her cousin, Steve.  Her description of their time together is oddly suggestive:  “we go ice skating, we mess around… we have so much fun, it’s like we’re not even related.”  As if on cue, Steve arrives at the door and is revealed to be none other than Kirk Cameron, best known for his role as Mike Seaver on Growing Pains, who also happens to be the real life brother of DJ/Candace Cameron.

I’m assuming he agreed to make this guest appearance to help boost the ratings of his little sisters piece of shit show.  At this time he was at the height of his career, well before he became a raving Jesus freak and alienated pretty much everyone in show business.  That’s right, unlike his sister, Kirk Cameron would never miss a church bake sale.  But I digress…

Kimmy Gibbler is immediately overwhelmed with sexual feelings towards Steve.

Danny congratulates him on receiving a baseball scholarship to Stanford.  The Uncles enter the living room to greet him and Jesse is eating fried chicken for no reason, just like he did in the previous episode.  What an odd trait…

Anyway, Steve passes up going ice skating with DJ so he can play basketball with the Dads, all of whom are suddenly overwhelmed with sports hysteria.

When the guys return to the Full House they immediately sit down to watch a basketball game.  Kimmy Gibbler makes further sexual advances towards Steve and DJ clamors for his attention by showing off her new jeans.  OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER JEANS???

Even a late 80’s fashion faux pas isn’t enough to steal Steve’s attention away from sports, but DJ finally gets some time alone with him when she agrees to help him change the baby.  He blows her off when she tries to make plans for the week with him but there’s some consolation in the two of them being invited to a family trip to the park the next day.  That’s not good enough for DJ, though, who expresses her feelings of rejection to the baby.

The family all play touch football in the park the next day.  Kimmy Gibbler uses the game as an excuse to slap Steve on the ass like 3 times.

Throughout the game, DJ’s behavior grows more aggressive, culminating in her tackling Steve.

DJ gets all emotional when she’s penalized and Kimmy Gibbler uses the incident as an excuse to slap Steve’s ass again.  She should go to jail for that!  Danny finds DJ on a park bench and gives her the “I want to kiss you look” that he uses to express sincere emotion. The music comes on as he explains to her that Steve’s Dad cut out on him last year and he needs some male-bonding time.

Surprisingly, the conflict is not resolved at the end of this scene, which is the first time the music has failed to deliver us to a touching conclusion…

But wait!  In the very next scene, Steve comes to DJ’s room and they talk about her feelings and then everything is fine.  End of story.

I’m really getting annoyed with all of these episodes that focus on a new character that we’ll never see again.  The regular cast is so painfully 1-dimensional that you’d think the writers would make some effort to flesh them out, or, failing that, they’d at least bring back one of these new characters so that the episode they’re featured in isn’t a complete waste of time.  At least in this case they used a quasi-famous guest star to make it slightly more excusable.  Maybe it was sweeps week or something?

Firsts:  Cousin Steve, The music does not solve everything

The Honeybees are having a meeting in the Full House.  Joey performs his duties as honorary Queen Bee by making lots of lame bee puns and fulfilling the requests of Linda, the fine ass Hive Mother.  The Honeybees are having a honey sale and whoever sells the most wins a bike.  Naturally, as soon as Stephanie sees the bike she gets right on it and tries to ride away.  Why are all the jokes on this show centered around the cast being pushy and inconsiderate?  They should call this show Obnoxious House, or  House Lacking in Social Graces.

DJ, a former Honeybee, gives the kids a pep talk about selling honey and the group celebrate capitalism by chanting “sell!”  Meanwhile, Jesse’s mom sends him a subplot in the form of a tree house for Michelle that he has to assemble.  Danny comes home and the Uncles can see his emerging boner when he hears that Linda is in the living room.  He laments his dead wife for like the ten millionth time but the Uncles convince him that it really is time for him to start dating again.

Danny fumbles his way through asking Linda out but she totally wants it anyway and offers to buy him dinner and take him out to an art exhibit.

DJ is giving Stephanie a pep talk about how to sell honey when Danny comes in and tries to gently break the news to his daughters that he’s about to go out and pound their Hive Mothers vag all night long.  DJ gets all pissed off and Stephanie gets confused and so Danny decides he has to cancel the date.

The Uncles walk in on Danny canceling his date and they talk him into calling Linda back.  As he’s doing so, the girls walk in and tell him that they’re so grateful for him canceling his date that they want to take him out for ice cream.  Danny immediately gives in to this emotional manipulation and cancels the date yet again.

The Uncles attempt to assemble the tree house and hilarity ensues.  DJ and Stephanie enter the scene and the Uncles try to talk them into letting their dad go out and get laid for the first time in a year.  Joey shares an anecdote about his parents getting divorced and how he had to learn to stop being such a shithead about his mom dating and the girls agree to tell Danny that it’s ok.  Adding levity to such an emotional scene, Jesse gets stuck in the tree house.

So the kids and Danny have a talk in Danny’s room about how Danny still loves their dead mom and he tells them about how they agreed to see other people in the event of one of their untimely deaths.  Naturally, the music comes on.

The kids finally agree to quit being such assholes but Danny doesn’t think that he can call the date back on because he already broke it twice so he has DJ call Linda for him.

The date is back on and the Uncles console Danny about his outfit while Linda waits downstairs.  For some reason Jesse is eating fried chicken in this scene.

There is a brief sequence in which each of the Uncles dresses Danny up to look like them and then Danny goes back to what he was originally wearing.

Fuck, man, first he can’t even ask her out properly, then he cancels the date twice, then he makes her wait downstairs while he completely changes his whole get up 3 times?  She must really be desperate for that Danny Tanner schlong to put up with all that!  Once Danny finally comes downstairs it’s clear that it doesn’t matter what he wears because Linda shows up sporting a snuggie.

After Danny and Linda leave, the Uncles introduce Michelle to her new tree house but she’d rather play with a dish rag.  How is that even a tree house?  It’s a jungle gym.  Also, I bet you ten million bucks that Linda is never mentioned again on the show.  And finally, we never find out if Stephanie wins that bike.

Firsts:  Linda, Danny’s bedroom

Oh shit, y’all, it’s Kimmie Gibbler!  She and DJ have started a band called the Bracelets.  It should come as no surprise that Kimmie’s the keyboard player.  Kimmie rips shit up on their rendition of, “I’m Your Venus,” but DJ, on the other hand, sucks at the guitar.

Practice gets cut short because it’s Joeys big night at the comedy club.  A talent scout from HBO is coming and Joey really thinks it could be his big break.  As the family gather together before heading to the club, Jesse and Stephanie go through this routine where they pretend they’re having a big date.  I know that little girls like to pretend about stuff like that, but I’m still kind of weirded out by this exchange.  Maybe it’s because Jesse is such a man-hoe and/or because he’s her uncle.

The first act at the club is none other than Ed Alonzo, who’s probably best known as Max, the magician/diner owner on Saved By the Bell whose most amazing trick was disappearing from that show with no explanation.

The emcee is played by Bruce Baum, who was mostly likely cast because he kind of looks like Gallagher.

Joey has pre-performance jitters so the family comforts him while Jesse continues to put the moves on Stephanie.

While dime-store Gallagher is doing Joeys intro, he suddenly realizes that Phyllis Diller is in the audience and talks her into doing a set.  Wow, as much as I criticize this show for being predictable, I have to say I did not see that one coming.  Phllis Diller really just came out of nowhere. She goes on stage and before you know it she’s been riffing for 90 minutes, so by the time Joey is called up the audience is all laughed-out.  Joey’s routine is terrible, as always, but at least this time he has an excuse for why people walked out.

The following morning the family gather to console Joey, only to find him wearing a suit, carrying a briefcase and insisting that he’s referred to as, “Joe.”  He took the Phyllis Diller incident as a sign that his big break is never coming and he should accept failure and go into the business world.

Danny and Jesse search the city for a daycare center for Michelle because now that Joey is getting a real job he’s not going to be around to take care of the baby all day.  Joey comes home to report that he was just offered two different jobs and he’s turning the first one down because it’s on a hill and the other because they served him instant coffee.  Man, if I was Danny, I’d really lose my shit right then.  Joey lives in Danny’s house for free and his one responsibility is to help with the kids.  Now he’s quit his no-paying comedy career to become a businessman but he’s turning all his job offers down for arbitrary reasons because he obviously doesn’t want to have a job at all.  So, what, now he’s gonna live in the house and not take care of the kids and also still not get a job and not pay rent?  What an inconsiderate prick!  Danny should punch him in the throat for even thinking about pulling some shit like that.  That’s just totally unacceptable behavior.

DJ quits the guitar even after Jesse tells her an inspiring story.  Her reasons for quitting are identical to Joey’s reasons for quitting comedy.  Jesse goes to Danny and the two decide that they must hatch a zany scheme to get Joey back into comedy.

Joey comes to the club under the pretense that Jesse will be doing a guitar performance.  Jesse surprises the audience by announcing that he is starting his new career as a stand-up comedian.  He proceeds to do a rendition of Joey’s act but he messes up all the timing and gets all the punch lines wrong, which, honestly, is really a lot funnier than when Joey does it.  It really is.  Joey gets so frustrated by Jesse’s poor delivery that he does the act instead because that’s how 22-minute long stories get resolved.

But wait, there are loose ends!  Joey still has to have a heartwarming talk with DJ to reverse the bad example he set.  I guess it can’t wait until morning because he goes into her room when she’s supposed to be sleeping and tells her that he’s back doing comedy and that it’s important not to quit doing things just because they’re hard.

This episode has a really skewed message.  It seems like Joey really should quit doing comedy because he is incontestably terrible at it, but then he puts no effort into moving on to something else.  His whole businessman persona is just a front that he uses to have no job and not even help out around the house.  I think the real issue here is that Joey’s manipulating everyone around him and using them for their room and board.  Also, his comedy is really obnoxious and intrusive and I really don’t think that he should be encouraging those traits.  After their heartwarming talk at the end, DJ pulls out her guitar and starts playing it terribly.  This is late at night, when her sister is supposed to be sleeping a few feet away.  See how DJ let’s her terrible guitar playing impose on everyone around her?  That’s the example Joey sets.

I wish Ed Alonzo played Joey.

Firsts:  The Bracelets

As the family gathers together to watch Jesse’s cheesy ass doo-wop group perform, everyone is delighted except for Stephanie.

You might think she’s become cognizant of the horrible nightmare world she’s come to inhabit, but it turns out that she just feels “yucky.”  Upon closer examination it is discovered that she has chicken pox, which everyone in the family has already had except for Joey, who claims to be immune, and Michelle, who is a baby.

Stephanie is all pissed because a ballerina is gonna visit her class tomorrow and she’s gonna miss it.  The family all gather to help her out but none of their efforts are anywhere near as remarkable as Jesse’s outfit.

Everyone stands around discussing how they’re going to help out and listing their plans for the weekend, which has got to be one of the clunkiest deliveries of exposition I’ve ever seen.  Danny is going to interview the Golden State Warriors, Jesse has his dumb ass doo-wop bullshit, DJ has her first ever slumber party, and Joey has no plans because he’s a fucking loser.  For some reason I couldn’t help but wonder while watching this scene how this chicken pox situation might effect all their plans…

The next morning Danny busts out his Golden State Warriors suit, most likely in an attempt to rival Jesse’s suit for its garishness.

Jesse and Joey enter the scene and, despite what you may have been expecting, they both have chicken pox!  Danny’s all upset because he really wants to interview the Warriors but he doesn’t want to leave Michelle with the Uncles because she’ll catch chicken pox.

Now, call me crazy, but I always remembered chicken pox being less problematic if you caught it as a baby.  Shouldn’t he want her to catch it?  If the whole plot is that everyone’s plans are foiled by an ailment, perhaps the writers could have chosen something more fitting?  Like maybe Jesse has a big open sore on his lip and Joey gets his head stuck up his ass?

Anyway, Danny wants DJ to watch the baby but he feels bad about asking her to miss her slumber party so he lets her go.

Meanwhile, Stephanie dons a disguise and tries to sneak out of the house so she can see that ballerina.

Even if she can sneak out, how’s she gonna get to school?  Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Jesse catches her and gives her a heartwarming pep talk about how we all have to miss out on things we like to do sometimes.

Down in the basement, the Uncles have a stand-off to see who can go the longest without itching.  Lots of irksome physical comedy ensues, and in the end the Uncles decide that it doesn’t count if they scratch each other and not themselves.  They start rubbing their faces together and the family, yet again, walk in on the Uncles engaging in overtly homosexual behavior.

Anyway, everyone is itchy and Danny sings a song about tuna fish and soup and then DJ comes home so Danny can go to his stupid basketball game.  The music comes on while Danny praises DJ for being such a grateful and responsible child.  Yeah, that’s it.