Pre-Credits Gag:  This weeks pre-credits gag is taken up by a summary of last week’s episode, interspersed with comments by that ugly ass baby.

The episode opens in a similar fashion to Rocky 2-5, with footage of the final moments from the previous episode.  Once we’re caught up to the present, Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson begin frantically planning their precipitous wedding.  Rebecca Donaldson has several moments of near-clarity in which she stops to question the logic of what they’re doing but she is decisively quelled by Jesse’s manic energy each time.  The couple make plans to get married at the very casino hotel they’ve been staying at because, hey, why visit another set?  They also decide to keep their wedding a secret for no other discernible reason than that it will make for a wackier set of circumstances.

A knock at the door brings DJ and Stephanie into the scene, and even though they were invited in, their presence doesn’t stop Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson from making out.  I guess that’s because it’s really been a while since we’ve experienced the series tradition of people staring at Jesse while he’s making out.  Anyway, the girls wonder if Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson are ready to go horseback riding and become puzzled at their flighty, giddy behavior as they decline to go.  As the adults leave the scene, the girls decide to investigate the source of their odd behavior.  Hey… wait a minute… the last thing that anyone in the Tanner family witnessed was Jesse storming onto the set of Rebecca Donaldson’s show during a live broadcast and breaking up with her, so why the fuck are these kids doing showing up at their hotel room talking about horseback riding?  I mean, if the story required the girls to come to their hotel room, couldn’t they have shown up under the pretense of wanting to see how Jesse and/or Rebecca Donaldson were doing after their big break-up?  The kids don’t even react to them being back together.  Did the shows creators really not credit an audience with having the ability to remember shit they saw a week ago?  Or maybe I’m wrong to credit the writers with having that ability themselves…Well, actually… now that I think about it, I guess it is pretty in line with the kids characters that they would just show up at their hotel room and demand to be taken horseback riding with no consideration towards their relationship woes.  You win this round, Full House.

Meanwhile, Joey has become a slot-machine junky in the wake of his tragic loss from last episode (I guess we’re supposed to remember that event) and develops a gambling rivalry with Pearl from 227.

The girls tail Jesse as he makes wedding plans with the hotel manager, who refers ad nauseum to the FABULOUS Ali Baba Hotel and Casino and Wedding Chapel (funny how he never managed the wedding chapel part before) because we really needed to hear that fucking bit a few more times.

After going through all the shit in their hotel room, the girls deduce that Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson are getting married.  They decide to keep their knowledge of this a secret, which makes no clearer sense than it did when Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson made the wedding a secret in the first place.  In the very next moment, Danny and Joey enter the scene and immediately press the girls to reveal the secret they are obviously hiding.  Stephanie is so compelled to spill the beans to someone so she tells the baby, who blurts it out, revealing the news to everyone at last.  I swear, every time someone tries to keep some information from someone else on this show it’s just such a fucking waste of time.  Anyway, Danny declares that the wedding is a mistake and he must put a stop to it.  Joey questions his logic but Danny reveals that when he and his wife were married they eloped and it caused their families a great deal of grief, especially Jesse, who was so upset that he beat up Danny.  Man, that is one flashback I sure would like to see.  So the whole family bands together to ruin Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson’s stupid wedding.  The baby leads the procession of kids, which causes DJ to make the meta-remark, “When did Michelle take over?”  Man, tell me about it!  And, oh, how it only gets worse…

The family arrive just in time to intercept the wedding but are immediately persuaded to lend their support.  If that’s the outcome, especially after so little effort, then why were we led to believe that they were going to stop it?  Why does anyone ever declare their intentions to do anything on this fucking show if they never amount to anything?  Why must they waste our time?!?  The family might as well have decided to just go look at the wedding and been totally complacent about it because the fucking results would have been the same.

So the family join the wedding party, including the baby acting as flower girl, which gets a big extended laugh from the audience even though babies acting as flower girls are pretty standard wedding fare and there’s not even a joke involved.  So anyway, the hotel managers nuptials keep bringing up issues like where they might live once they’re married and how many kids they want to have, which keeps leading to Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson stepping aside and discussing these issues that they’ve never addressed before.  Finally, Rebecca Donaldson realizes that they haven’t made any of the necessary steps that two people need to make before even deciding to get married to each other and she runs off.

Left at the altar, Jesse sits down and looks hurt as sad music plays and then the baby comes up to him and says, “I do,” which is the most desperate grab for an emotionally resonant moment I’ve ever seen.  Also, doesn’t that mean that she wants to marry her Uncle?

Back at the full house, Jesse sits in his room listening to a terrible cover of, “Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay” and crying like a punk ass bitch.  Now that’s comedy!  Rebecca Donaldson knocks at the door so he quickly picks up his phone and tries to act like he’s ordering up some hot poontang but his ruse is quickly foiled.  Rebecca Donaldson explains that the realized that getting married on the fly at a shitty casino was a dumb ass thing to do but that doesn’t mean that they need to end their relationship.  The craziest thing about this scene is that everything Rebecca Donaldson says is actually really well thought out and makes a lot of sense.  So they get back together and then the rest of the family comes into the room to celebrate and with that ends the second season of the worst sitcom of all time.

So there you have it, Season Two in the can!  Like I did with Season 1, I’ll be running a review of the season as a whole for my next weekly installment, but be sure to stay tuned throughout the week as I post some end-of-the-season bonus posts, including our very first contest!

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle and Danny crawl around on the floor and bark like dogs.

“Wake Up, San Francisco,” is doing its first on-location episode in Lake Tahoe so for some reason the whole Tanner family is going.  Jesse looks forward to a long weekend of banging Rebecca Donaldson and says he plans on using the occasion to “tell her the three little words that every woman wants to hear.”  I assumed he meant, “I murdered Joey,” but I guess he’s actually planning on telling her he loves her.

While Danny and the girls check out their hotel room the manager comes in and refers to the place as the “FABULOUS Ali Baba Hotel and Casino,” about fifty million times.  It’s one of those jokes where they figured that since it wasn’t funny the first time, maybe it would become endearing if they just did it over and over.  And over.

Jessie calls up Rebecca Donaldson’s room to tell her that he’s ready to tear that ass up all night but she shoots him down, saying that she has to prepare for her big interview with famous actor Todd Masters tomorrow.  She consoles his swollen testicles with a promise that they’ll have breakfast together in the morning.

In the morning Jesse arrives at the taping of “Wake Up, San Francisco” all butt hurt because Rebecca Donaldson flaked out on their breakfast plans so she could go hang out with Todd Masters some more.  He tries to yell at her about it but the taping begins so he has to just stand there and watch her and Todd Masters have a sexually suggestive conversation on live television.  Incidentally, why exactly did they go to Lake Tahoe to interview this famous movie star guy?  What is the correlation between Todd Masters and Lake Tahoe?  Also, check out this shows rendition of a big movie star:  He looks like a naive art sculpture of Joe Piscopo made from old tires.

Meanwhile, the girls are seduced by the allure of gambling and convince Joey to play the slots for them because they’re too young and what the hell else is Joey good for?  Joey hits a winning streak and asks the girls to watch the slot machine for him as he walks off-screen to go get a change bucket.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  As soon as he’s gone, the girls just can’t avoid the urge to gamble and they play the machine, instantly pulling the grand prize of $100,000.  Joey takes the credit as Danny’s live show covers the win and everybody gleefully jumps up and down like a bunch of assholes.

For some reason Rebecca Donaldson just hangs back as the gambling win is covered and chats with Todd Masters as he continues to rub his boner against her leg.  He offers to take her out to dinner but she tells him that she can’t because she’s dating some failed musician with greasy hair.  Todd Masters is actually pretty amicable about the whole thing but that doesn’t stop Jesse from rolling up on their conversation and getting all bent out of shape.  Jesse talks a bunch of shit to Todd Masters and then hits on some fake-titty waitress to make Rebecca Donaldson jealous.  Then, as if all that shit wasn’t bad enough, he storms onto the show during the live taping, repeatedly interrupts anyone’s attempts to explain why he’s being irrational, and dumps Rebecca Donaldson.  Again, this all happens on live television.

Joey coaches the girls about keeping their cool while he collects their winnings from the slot machine.  Stephanie immediately lets it slip to Danny that DJ was the one who pulled the handle and Danny whips out his high-and-mighty set of morals.  Dodging responsibility, Joey uses one of the greatest excuses I’ve ever heard, “I had nothing to do with it.  I was getting a money bucket.”  Regardless, Danny insists that they refuse the money, which I guess might seem like a feasible decision since he’s a highly paid talk shot host.  Actually, you know what?  Fuck that.  There’s isn’t a human being on Earth who wouldn’t take that money.  Jesus Christ and Ghandi and Spider-Man would all take that money.

Anyway, once the flamboyant hotel manager arrives, Joey gives him a long, fumbling explanation in which he constructs a version of what happened that might not prevent him from getting the money.  Once he’s done the hotel manager tells him that the whole incident was filmed and he knows that the girls played the machine, therefore they do not get the money.  Well then why did he stand there and listen to Joey’s whole explanation???

Jesse confronts Rebecca Donaldson in her hotel room and is totally unapologetic about humiliating her at her job/on television.  He just accuses her of a bunch more stuff and absolves himself of any wrongdoing until Rebecca Donaldson finally clarifies that she turned down Todd Masters. Jesse then feels bad for about two seconds before opening up a while new spiel about how he just has to act the way he feels.  He tells Rebecca Donaldson that he loves her and then she says that she loves him too so, naturally,  the only logical conclusion is that they should get married that very minute.  Rebecca Donaldson agrees even though she’s commiting herself to sharing her life with a bi-polar narcissist who is clearly willing to destroy her career in order to accomodate his unstable emotions.  But will they go through with it?  Find out next week in the shitty ass season finale of Season 2!

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle enters Stephanie’s room and demands a horsey ride.  When Stephanie tells Michelle that she’s too busy to give her a horsey ride, Michelle rips off Stephanie’s old routine of repeatedly denying the other person’s lack of availability and then fake crying.  This is sort of a landmark moment in the series, as it is clearly the exact moment where the producers decided to shove the middle child as far out of the spotlight as possible and give all of her screen time to the baby.  Stephanie may get the middle child treatment from here on out, but at least she’s got it better than Judy from Family Matters…

Jesse is woken up on his 26th birthday by his family singing, “Birthday,” which is yet another butchering of a Beatles song on this show.  Incidentally, did you ever notice how the Beatles are dying in the order of how awesome they are?  I bet Ringo outlives Paul by like twenty years.  Anyway, the girls gift Uncle Jesse with a plaque that says, “Worlds Greatest Uncle,” which they give to him right in front of Uncle Joey.  Take that, Uncle Joey, you big piece of shit!  Danny gets Jesse a day-planner, which is lame, and Joey gets him an Elvis watch, which I think is supposed to be a cool gift.  Jesse ruminates on how awesome everything in his life is going and then invites the family to his gig at the Smash Club that evening.  DJ reminds him about her soccer game that afternoon and Jesse says of course he’ll be there because he’s the coach.  Since when is Jesse DJ’s soccer team coach?

The Uncles fuck around in Joey’s room, “working” on their latest advertising jingle.  Joey comes up with an idea and performs it in sort of a meta-way in that he’s got his back towards Jesse, who he’s supposedly performing for, and is instead directly facing the studio audience.  Danny comes downstairs to pressure Jesse into using his day planner and to share the news that he convinced a big critic from the “San Francisco Mirror,” (which is not a real newspaper and doesn’t even sound like it could be) to come down to the club to watch Jesse’s shitty band perform their terrible music.  Jesse gets all excited and then tries to make time to work with Joey on their jingle and also look at Michelle’s jack-in-the-box with her but then he realizes that he has to go coach DJ’s soccer game.

As he’s exiting the front door Stephanie enters from who knows where, which is the second odd bit of staging in as many minutes, and demands that Jesse bake 100 cookies for her school bake sale tomorrow.  Damn, how you gonna demand 100 cookies with no notice?  And on his birthday, too?

Jesse returns to the full house after DJ’s team has won their game and is immediately forced to start baking cookies.  As he puts his humiliating apron on, Rebecca Donaldson comes over and promises him some hot birthday fucking and then starts making out with him in front of the kids.  It’s been a while since there’s been a scene where everyone is staring at Jesse’s while he’s making out.  I guess that’s because he’s settled down and stopped being such a big hoe this season.

So anyway Jesse tells the kids to get ready for his performance at the Smash Club and continues baking while Rebecca Donaldson reminds him that he’d promised to go with her to her Uncle’s First-Wife’s Son-in-Law’s wedding tomorrow.  Jesse tells her, “I’m there for you, babe,” which he’s said to everyone who’s asked him for something the whole episode, and then, as if the theme of Jesse having to help everyone all the time weren’t overwhelmingly apparent enough, Joey and Danny file in as Joey brings up their advertising deadline and Danny requests help with his car, which is just totally out of left field.  Instead of just telling everyone to back up off his nuts for like 2 seconds, Jesse promises everyone to help them but not until after his performance.

So I’m pretty sure that this is the first appearance of the Smash Club, which becomes a frequently used location throughout the series.  I know that they’ve gone to clubs a few times in previous episodes but I’m pretty sure that they never specifically went to the Smash Club before so I’m marking this as it’s first appearance unless some internet nerd can prove me wrong.

It turns out that Jesse double-booked his band so he’s the only one there.  The family offer to be his backup band and for some completely unknowable reason, Jesse agrees.  Why didn’t he just go up there and play his guitar by himself?  Why would he ever in a million years agree to have his no-talent, attention-starved family back up his performance?

So guess what?  They suck shit.  Also I think now’s as good a time as any to mention that Jesse is wearing a leather jacket with fringe and leather chaps over jeans in this scene.  So, yeah, anyway, not only is the family totally incapable of playing music, but they’re also totally inconsiderate of the fact that this performance is a big opportunity for Jesse and so they start hogging the spotlight by doing solos and telling jokes and shit.

By the end of their performance, after the entire audience has walked out, Jesse is visibly destroyed and yet the family just goes on gleefully singing campfire songs to an empty room. Man, I’ve seen this family act like assholes in so many ways now, but this has gotta be the assholiest move of them all.

In the morning, Stephanie wakes Jesse up by reading him the scathing review their band got in the newspaper.  The reviewer’s credibility can’t be called into question because the only positive thing he says is about Kimmie Gibbler.  After waking Jesse up with shitty news, Stephanie demands that he bake her those cookies, and then the baby comes in wanting him to play with her jack in the box, DJ has a soccer game, Joey needs help with a jingle and Danny is having car problems.  Everyone just stands around him and bitches about what they need from him all at once with no regard towards Jesse or each other.  Jesus Christ, as if this shit wasn’t bad enough before, the entire family just finished callously destroying Jesse’s dreams of being a musician and instead of processing that for a second they just go on demanding more shit from him.  Finally, Jesse does the first sensible thing that anyone has ever done on this show, which is to have a manic episode and then hide under some blankets.

Jesse awakens from a catatonic stupor to find his family bringing him accommodations for a much needed day of rest.  Danny tells Jesse that he needs to learn to balance his priorities, which is probably just another passive aggressive attempt to get him to use that dumb ass day planner, and then Jesse says he thinks it’s really important to be the world’s greatest uncle.  Man, he really took that piece of shit novelty plaque to heart.  The family reassures him and then they all dogpile on top of him before agreeing to leave him alone.  Everyone leaves Uncle Jesse at peace except for the baby, who still demands that he play with her jack in the box, which is supposed to be a cute ending for some reason.

So I guess the final lesson here is that Jesse needs to learn proper time management…  But what about he fact that his family totally ruined his musical performance?  Why is that never addressed?  All of Jesse’s time management problems come from his whole family being up his ass all the time and constantly fucking up everything he does.  It’s just appalling.  But, really, I think the worst thing about this episode is that it’s basically the same exact premise as the two-part episode from last season where Jesse takes off because the family won’t leave him the fuck alone for two minutes.  That was actually episodes 19 and 20 of last season, so the 20th episode of seasons 1 and 2 are virtually the exact same story.  See, the more you know about Full House, the more it totally fucking sucks.

Firsts: Smash Club

Pre-Credits Gag:  Uncle Jesse makes Michelle show him her tummy and tells her that she’s getting fat.  She then refuses his assistance with putting on her sweater but ends up calling for his help when she gets stuck.  Let that be a lesson to all little girls about how they are fat and can’t do anything without a man’s help.

Jesse and Joey dick around in their studio, pretending to work until Danny interrupts them with the news that he’s all excited about doing his taxes.  Do they just go out of their way to make Danny the lamest fucking nerd on Earth or what?  The phone rings and the baby answers it, which is becoming a reoccurring gag on this show, and she tells the person on the other end, “I went poo poo in the potty.”  It turns out that the caller is Patty Fogerty, some chick who used to bang Joey like ten years ago and then dumped him for some guy who was a lot less annoying, like Paulie Shore.  Joey holds the phone while he and Danny have a long argument about whether or not Joey should talk to her and then Danny argues that, “she just ripped out your heart, threw it on the ground and did the Mexican hat dance on it,” and then he does a little Mexican hat dance.  Not only is this painfully nerdy and uncharismatic to watch, but it also continues Danny Tanner’s subtle yet persistent assault on Latino culture.  I mean, damn, Danny Tanner, why’s the dance she does on his heart gotta be Mexican?

So even though her call was answered by a baby who was talking about shitting and then she was placed on hold for like five minutes while the dad’s argued about whether or not Joey should take the call, Patty Fogerty still wants to see Joey.  Danny, clearly wanting Uncle Joey’s butthole all for himself, gives a final warning, but Joey invites Patty over anyway, giving the full houses address for the first time:  1882 Girard.

Kimmie Gibbler lights up the screen and our hearts by doing a magic show for the Tanner sisters.  She fails to do a trick properly and ends up handcuffing DJ and Stephanie together.  Kimmie heads home to get the keys but not before warning DJ and Stephanie not to tell anyone because the handcuffs belongs to her brother.  If you’re having trouble following the logic there, you’re not alone.  Also, since when does Kimmie Gibbler have a brother?

Uncle Jesse eats fried chicken and points out what a boring spazz Danny is for being so gung ho about doing taxes.  Jesse considers retracting his comments when Danny suggests that he might save thousands of dollars with his advanced methods.

Patty arrives at the full house, greeted by Joey in a suit that he found in an alley behind a gay nightclub.  As Joey and Patty begin reacquainting themselves, Danny continues to give her the stink eye and suggestively perform Mexican hat dances.  For the first time ever, Joey is actually ashamed of someone else and asks Patty if they can talk in his room.

Down in Joey’s room, Patty tells him that she just got divorced and has never really been happy since she and Joey split up.  Say what!??!  She then reminisces about his Popeye impression and reveals that Joey apparently used to be big into streaking.  How unimaginably gross!  There is then a lengthy emotional exchange about what went wrong in their relationship.  Jesus Christ, not only did they just force me to picture Joey naked, next I gotta watch him try to deliver some serious dramatic acting?  Shitty!  We get one final kick in the nuts when the music comes on only 12 minutes into the episode, which I don’t think has ever happened before.  Joey and Patty decide to explore their relationship and then they start kissing until the commercial break comes on.  Well, shit.  That still wasn’t as bad as Uncle Jesse’s Christmas Speech, but it’s certainly up there among the worst scenes ever.

Jesse accepts Danny’s help with his taxes while Danny exposits his concerns about Patty coming back into Joey’s life.  Dang, Danny, why you gotta keep Joey’s butthole all for yourself?

Kimmie Gibbler returns to the full house and breaks the news that her brother will be gone until the morning and she can’t undo the handcuffs until he gets back.  So even though any sane person would tell Kimmie Gibbler to go fuck herself at this point, Stephanie and DJ agree to hide the fact that they’re handcuffed together from Danny.  It seems like just about every episode features some wholly unoriginal sequence where someone is trying to keep Danny from seeing something, whether it’s a horse or new cabinets or handcuffed children who have no real motivation for hiding it from him.  I guess that for whatever reason the people making this show just thought that scenes where people are doing a bad job of keeping secrets from Danny are where it’s at.

In the morning Danny discovers that his method of doing taxes prevented Jesse from getting a refund.  But I thought Danny was all about doing taxes! What a surprising outcome!  Joey enters the front door singing after a long night of getting his rocks off.  Incidentally, where is Cheryl in all of this?  She and Joey have been dating all season.  Did Joey just give her the boot as soon as Patty showed up, or maybe they broke up between episodes?  Or maybe, just maybe, no one who was working on this show gave two shits about continuity.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over in the morning with the news that her brother wont be back for another week but DJ and Stephanie’s vehement reaction outs the whole secret handcuffs plot to the dads.  Jesse does a magic trick that transfers the handcuffs to Kimmie and then everyone ignores her pleas for help.  Take that, Kimmie Gibbler!

Joey and Patty reenact that scene from Lady and the Tramp in the backyard.  Oh, man, I can’t stand it!

As if that’s not excruciating enough, the scene quickly turns dramatic as Joey feels the need to explain to Patty that he’s a mature grown-up now.  The music comes on as Joey and Patty have some bullshit talk about their relationship and I guess Joey decides that they should just be friends or something.  Man, what a waste of time.  Nothing in that story happened for any reason.  Their relationship was completely undeveloped in the first place and then it switched gears in the last two minutes of the episode.  Also, why did Danny have such a big problem with Patty?  He kept describing her as this devil woman but really she had no personality at all.  And who the fuck was asking for a dramatic episode where Joey has a romantic relationship, anyway?  Could there really have been one person on the planet who wanted to see that?

Firsts:  Full House’s Address, Kimmie Gibbler’s brother, Joey is not on the receiving end of shame

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle sings along with a wind-up ballerina, creating a song where every word is “baby.”  She makes Uncle Jesse sing it, too, but then she interrupts him and sings it herself again.

Danny assembles the full house together at 7 am for Spring cleaning, which is pretty goddamn fascist if you ask me.  Just to drive the point home, there’s another installment of the reoccurring joke in which Danny brainwashes Michelle with anti-dirt propaganda.

As Stephanie sorts old toys to give away to charity, Michelle tries to purloin Mr. Bear.  Stephanie intercepts and explains that Mr. Bear is very important to her just as Joey enters the room with a big garbage bag to take the old toys away in.

Jesse enters Danny’s freshly-cleaned kitchen and accidentally breaks a handle off of a cabinet door.  Danny totally flips out but Jesse assures him that he’s going to fix it.  When Jesse asks Michelle if she wants to drive to the hardware store with him she refuses with the explanation of, “car dirty.”  I bet Howard Hughes’ dad was a lot like Danny.

Stephanie gets all freaked out because she can’t find Mr. Bear.  As Joey helps her retrace her steps, he realizes that he might have accidentally given Mr. Bear to charity.  Once Stephanie is left alone, she actually prays to God to bring Mr. Bear back.  This is pretty interesting to me because this show always seems like it follows some sort of Christian Fundamentalist set of values but they never really discuss religion, probably for the sake of marketability.  So even though religion is never directly addressed, you know there’s some God-fearing value set behind everything, kind of like Family Circus cartoons.  I wonder if this is the only time in the whole series where religion is overtly practiced?  I guess if you were gonna pray to God just one time in your whole life, it’d be to bring Mr. Bear back.

DJ discovers that Uncle Jesse’s attempt to replace the broken handle has lead to a complete remodeling of the kitchen.  They do one of those tired ass routines where DJ tries to stall Danny from seeing the kitchen but then he sees it anyway and flips out.
There’s an endless segment where Jesse frantically explains why he fucked up the kitchen and Danny is supposed to be so mad that he can’t speak and, man, anytime they emphasize Danny’s face you just wanna run your fist through it so bad

Stephanie literally pulls a cop into the full house (where from?  I have no idea!) to report that Mr. Bear is missing and for some reason he’s totally willing to help her.  Joey enters the scene and confesses that he probably gave Mr. Bear away by accident and you can see in Stephanie’s eyes that this is the exact moment that she truly realizes what a worthless fuckhead Joey is.

As Stephanie makes search posters for Mr. Bear, DJ tries to console her by recounting the loss of her beloved Pillow People doll.  Stephanie then immediately finds DJ’s doll and of course DJ is elated, which is not as much an entirely predictable gag as it is a blatant product placement for Pillow People.

Jesse unveils the newly redone kitchen.  I guess the producers decided to update the set or something.  Meanwhile, in the living room, Grandma and Grandpa show up with a bunch of new stuffed bears for Stephanie and Michelle lunges for them.

Stephanie refuses any substitutes for Mr. Bear and the whole family all sit around eating chicken and wondering why the fuck she’s so smitten by that stupid fucking stuffed bear.  The family all head up to Stephanie’s room to console her some more, sans Grandma and Grandpa, who apparently had something better to do.  It’s kind of weird how they just sort of force the Grandparents into these brief scenes every few episodes for no real reason.

As the family all stand around and waste their valuable time reminiscing about Mr. Bear, they arrive at the revelation that Mr. Bear was a gift from the kids dead Mom on the day Michelle was born.  The music comes on and DJ talks about how it’s getting harder to remember their mom and Danny reveals for the first time that the cause of her death was a car accident.  I always assumed that she died in childbirth or, more likely, at the sight of the hideous child she’d just unleashed into the world.  It also seemed pretty feasible that she took a good look at the obnoxious bunch of morally self-righteous cornball assholes that she’d come to share her life with and made the very rational decision of doing herself in.  This seems even more probable after everyone shares their memories of her, all of which are about how she would enable or accommodate their stupid bullshit.  Jesse story actually ends with, “she must have really loved me.”  After an endless series of schmaltzy remembrances it is concluded that Pam will never die because she’ll live forever in their self-absorbed memories, and then they all agree to sit together in the living room to watch old home movies of her.

As they watch the home videos we see Pam onscreen for the first time.  I’m still mystified by her having blonde hair, what with her Greek heritage and all, but I guess there needed to be some justification for her and Danny having three blonde daughters, no matter how implausible it was.  Mr. Bear also appears in the video, which prompts Michelle to pull him out of the hiding spot she’d stashed him in.   Remember when she tried to take him earlier, and how excited she got when Grandma brought all those replacement bears over?  Yeah, I know, it’s a pretty obvious and lame outcome, but at least they made an effort to lay groundwork for something this time.  So Stephanie is reunited with Mr. Bear, once again divulging this shows primary life lesson:  everything will be fine as long as everyone gets exactly what they want all the time.  The episode wraps with a long silent pan of the whole family watching the videos, with occasional shots of Pam interspersed.  I kept waiting for her to fall over or get hit in the face with a football but I guess this episode must predate America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Firsts:  Praying to God, new kitchen, Pam onscreen, cause of Pam’s death revealed

Pre-Credits Gag:  Stephanie and D.J. argue over who gets the last cookie and then the baby gets it.  THE BABY GETS THE COOKIE!!!

Stephanie comes home with a hella good ass report card but then Danny sees a comment from her teacher about how she needs to control her talking in class.  He suggests that she finally learn to shut her fucking mouth for five goddamn seconds just one time in her shameful burden of a life and then she gets all offended for some reason and declares that she’ll never talk ever again.

DJ comes home the very next moment and complains about how she got all A’s except for a D in Spanish.  She convinces Danny that she got the shitty grade because her teacher, Senorita Mosley, has a bias against her and so Danny agrees to set up a parent/teacher meeting.  Anyway, enough about the plot:  I know I’ve already mentioned the gigantic hair that Kimmie Gibbler’s been sporting lately but can we just take a minute to look at it?

That shit is magnificent.  She looks like one of the American Gladiators.  I swear, if it wasn’t for Kimmie Gibbler there’s just no way I’d ever be able to sit through this lousy piece of shit show.

The Uncle’s boss, Mr. Malatesta, comes by the full house and Stephanie answers the door but won’t provide him with any information about where the Uncles can be found because she’s fulfilling her vow to never speak again.  What the fuck does Mr. Malatesta have to do with her passive aggressive campaign against her family?  Does everyone who comes over to the full house have to be subjected to whatever petty bullshit’s going on over there?

Mr. Malatesta eventually finds the Uncles and tells them that he needs them to write an emergency campaign for a marshmallow company.  They pull a lame slogan out of their asses that Mr. Malatesta loves and then they talk him into hiring their hideous baby for the marshmallow commercial.

Danny visits Senorita Mosley to talk about DJ’s shitty grade.  When he gets there, she’s all star struck by him because she apparently watches his awful morning show even though it really seems like she’d be at work when it was on, but anyway never mind logic because the point is that she clearly wants some of that hot and steamy Danny Tanner action.  It’s always weird whenever they do scenes where a woman is supposed to be attracted to Danny because, besides the basic concept just being appalling, the only way they can even attempt to create any onscreen chemistry it is to have her laugh at all of his lame ass jokes, which immediately makes you assume that she’s crazy.  Anyway, Senorita Mosley clarifies that DJ got a bad grade in Spanish because she wasn’t doing any of the work and then offers to come by the full house later to set up a study program with Danny. And of course by “study program,” she means “hot fucking.”  As Danny leaves the classroom she bids him “hasta luego” and he replies, “el pollo loco,” which was a popular fast food chain at the time.  Man, if I was teaching someone English and I said, “see you later” and they said, “burger king,” I’d be downright offended.  After the meeting’s over, DJ gets all pissed when she finds out that Danny didn’t get her grade changed for her.

The Uncles help Michelle rehearse for her marshmallow audition, which is probably the only time in the Olsen Twins’ whole career that someone scrutinized their line reading.  The Uncles then split with the baby while Danny and Senorita Mosley enter the scene, labeling various objects with their names in Spanish to help DJ learn the language.  Danny continues to make jokes that casually degrade Latino culture and, as if that racism were just a little too subtle, Senorita Mosley holds a sign in front of herself for a significant portion of the scene that says, “perro,” which means, “dog.”

As she teaches Danny to roll his r’s, the two say “perro” back and forth to each other, which leads to them leaning in for a smooch.  Isn’t that fucking bizarre?  Imagine two people saying, “dog” over and over to each other and then having their first kiss.  Couldn’t they have picked a sexier word for them to say to repeat?  Anyway, DJ and her friends walk in on Danny and Senorita Mosley making out and DJ is, quite naturally, humiliated.  It’s almost like Danny consulted a guidebook on how to be a more embarrassing dad.

Danny and DJ have a talk about how he wants to fuck her teacher.  She manipulates him into thinking that he shouldn’t be allowed to get down on that sexy Spanish chocha because, as you may remember, Danny’s kids are pretty dedicated to the cause of him never getting laid.  Even though he demures about banging her teacher, Danny still maintains that it’s fucking bullshit that she wants her grade changed because she earned a D by not doing her work.  DJ avoids responsibility by sticking to being mad about Danny embarrassing her and storms off.

The Uncles get ready to film Michelle’s marshmallow commercial and then Grandma and Grandpa Katsopolis crash the set, presumably because we haven’t seen them in a while.  Anyway, Michelle refuses to say the marshmallow slogan because she’s sick of eating marshmallows from all of that rehearsing and then she gets fired.

Stephanie is still giving the silent treatment to everyone in the full house so the Uncles begin to devise a plan to get her to speak again.  Seriously, why would they do that?  Anyway, DJ enters the scene and tries to weasel out of going to school because she can’t face her friends after they saw Danny getting it on with their teacher.  Joey tries to solve the problem with the same thing he uses to solve everything:  shitty ass jokes.  He tells DJ that if she preempts the other kids jokes by making light of the situation herself, everything will be fine.  Poor old Joey, so conditioned towards a life of being shunned and ridiculed.

Danny tells Senorita Mosley that he can’t bang her until she’s done being DJ’s teacher so they agree to put things on hold.  Yeah, like that ever happens on this show.  Sorry folks, but that’s the last we’ll be seeing of ol’ senorita mosley.  Anyway, their parting words are interrupted by the school bell and Danny finds that he doesn’t have time to leave the classroom before the kids come in so he hides in the closet.  Yep, it’s come to this.

DJ totally disrupts her class by telling horrible and awkwardly delivered jokes about her Dad and the teacher.  Just as things start to cool off DJ decides to put her coat in the closet and wouldn’t you know it, Danny’s in there!  Oh Danny, when were you planning on coming out of the closet?  Danny sort of inelegantly excuses himself from the room but the kids don’t even seem to react to him being there at all.  What a weird device…  there was only like 30 seconds of build-up and then like no payoff whatsoever.

Back at the full house, Danny explains to DJ that he’s not gonna bang her teacher anymore but she still needs to take responsibility for her shitty ass grade.  You know, this was going to be the last Full House Reviewed installment because watching this terrible show every week has been ruining my life, but then I watched Danny’s inspiring speech about how you shouldn’t give up doing something just because it’s hard and I realized that I have to keep watching and reviewing every single episode of this horrible piece of shit show until I get through the whole fucking series.  I do this for you, the people who fuck around all day at a desk job.  This is my poem to you.

Sorry, I kind of went off on a tangent there… Anyway, the episode wraps up with the Uncles pleading with Stephanie to speak to them again.  Yep, that’s how they resolve the problem of Stephanie giving them the silent treatment:  they ask her to stop.  She then goes into a long account about a bunch of banal nonsense as the credits come on.  See, that’s the problem right there:  why does she either have to be totally silent or talk their ears off?  This whole problem started when she was talking too damn much in class, but that problem was never resolved because the resolution got totally blown out of proportion.  Why doesn’t anyone ever devise a reasonable compromise on this show?  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WON’T SOMEONE TEACH THESE CHILDREN MODERATION!??!

Pre-Credits Gag:  Kimmie Gibbler brings over a bunch of puppies.  There are lame jokes involved but it’s hard to hate on it because look at those adorable puppies!

Uncle Jesse tunes in to Wake Up, San Francisco to see whether or not Rebecca Donaldson gives him the secret signal that says if he’s gonna get to bang her later.  As if using her morning talk show to plan her sexual rendezvous wasn’t bad enough, she also decides to feature her 2 year old nephew as a guest.  Danny actually calls her out on how self-serving that is, probably because he must be pretty desperate to make someone else look like a shitty host for once.  He immediately ruins his own credibility again by taking the opportunity to give shout outs to his own family, including his mother who mysteriously disappeared from the series, and Cousin Ed, who you may remember because he appeared briefly in Season 1, Episode 11.  I wonder if we’ll ever see Cousin Ed on camera again?  Anyway, as Rebecca Donaldson’s nephew, Howie, mindlessly waves at the screen, Michelle gets a huge boner for him.

In the very next scene the dad’s bring Howie home to meet Michelle.  Danny refers to Howie as Michelle’s boyfriend and then Stephanie points out that all of the Tanner sister’s have boyfriends except DJ.  Dang, DJ Tanner has no game!  There’s also some stilted baby acting as Michelle and Howie interact.  You can actually see the babies looking offstage for cues and they always look confused.  Babies acting on tv is a lot like how regular tv would be if everyone was on prescription pain medication all the time.  So I guess it’s a lot like reality tv.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over with a VHS copy of The Wolfman for her and DJ to watch.  Stephanie tries to horn in on their fun and protests their claims that it’s too scary for her.  She complains to Uncle Jesse, who decides to let her watch it even though Rebecca Donaldson advises him otherwise.  Back in Uncle Jesse’s room, he and Rebecca Donaldson get into a discussion about the Wolfman decision, which leads to a heated argument over what they would name their hypothetical children.  It kind of seems like, as Rebecca Donaldson becomes a more solid cast member, they’re sort of initiating her into the series by having her occasionally act like a big corny lunatic.

The Dad’s all gather around to stare at Michelle and Howie, all tuckered out, post-coitus.  Howie’s Mom enters the room and, sensing her son’s feeling that it’s time to bail, takes Howie home.  Michelle gets all upset and starts saying, “Howie no go” over and over again.  Everyone just laughs about how cute it is but after the baby is left alone she sits up in her crib and says, “Howie no bye bye” over and over until the scene fades out for a commercial.  What a bizarre act break.  They don’t even play their usual, manipulative music, it’s just the baby talking in a real sad voice in a quiet, dark room.  It kind of leaves you feeling empty inside.

Michelle refuses to go to sleep because she’s so distraught over the loss of Howie.  Meanwhile, Stephanie is all freaked out after watching the movie and is convinced that every sound she hears is the Wolfman.  After a lot of screaming, the dad’s all enter the scene and decide to console Stephanie by doing a corny routine about what the Wolfman’s family is like instead of just telling her to shut the fuck up and go to bed.  Yet another example of the dad’s accommodating behavior being a clear source for the kid’s totally obnoxious sense of entitlement.

In the morning the family discovers that Michelle is inconsolably depressed over the loss of her man.  After the family makes some feeble attempts to cheer her up, Jesse decides to take her into his room and sing a song he wrote for her.

Well, shit, you guys.  Here we are, at another one of those segments that’s just so fucking shitty that it hurts my little heart to have to write about it.  What could possibly be worse than an acoustic guitar song about the character of Michelle sung by John Stamos?  Well, I’ll tell you what:  if it also had a long musical break in the middle with a montage of clips of Michelle from throughout the series.  Remember when she ate poo?  How about that time she rode Bubba the turtle?  I get all choked up thinking back on those days…

After Jesse’s horrible piece of shit song the baby’s just like, “where Howie” right away again so there wasn’t even any fucking point to any of that shit.

So finally Rebecca Donaldson shows up with a video she shot of Howie at the airport and Michelle is consoled by the idea that they can be “video pals.”  Well alright.

Rebecca Donaldson then suggests that they put Michelle into a play group to help socialize her so she doesn’t act like such a fucking obsessive weirdo every time she meets another baby and everyone agrees.  Wow, that was the first time on the whole show that a sensible exchange is had in an effort to solve a problem.  Not wanting to ever end on a high note, the episode wraps with Michelle requesting to watch the Howie video again and the family all chanting, “Howie” as the credits come on.  Howie, y’all.  Howie.

This is the first episode that really focuses on Michelle as the central character.  They really tried to squeeze some dramatic baby acting out of her and the results were pretty unsettling. I wonder whose idea it was to make a whole episode about her being all obsessed with some other baby?  Weird.

Firsts:  Episode about Michelle, a sensible exchange is had in an effort to solve a problem

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ schools Michelle in who the cutest boys are.  DJ’s top picks are George Michael and Michael J. Fox but Michelle’s all about Big Bird.  Kind of makes you wonder about what kind of weird shit the Olsen twins must be into these days…?  I should also have mentioned by now how vocal the character of Michelle has become.  Lots of jokes on the show come from her ability to repeat simple phrases, which makes for a lot of cheap, pandering jokes.

Danny does some serious mental programming on the baby as she helps him clean the kitchen.  He actually kneels down and tells her, “clean is good and dirt is bad.”  That’s some George Orwell shit right there.

The Uncles enter the scene and express their heartfelt love for one another and then the girls come in with Harry and make snarky comments about Danny’s obsessive compulsive cleaning.  Danny actually tells them that they can’t make fun of him unless they can afford their own apartments, which is just further evidence of the fascist regime that he’s running at the full house.

Harry laments his struggle with subtraction and when DJ is able to help him he gets a huge boner for her.

Jesse and Joey’s relationship is challenged as they have a serious discussion about how to decorate their new office in the basement.  Joey is able to coerce Jesse by doing a terrible impression of Pee Wee Herman and they start up a recurring shtick where they scream like Pee Wee every time someone says the secret word of the day, “office.”  That doesn’t even count as a pop culture reference, that’s just straight up theft.  Danny comes down and shows the first signs of feeling threatened by the Uncles unabashed lust for one another and the baby answers the phone, which always gets a big laugh.

Oh, man, when a baby answers a phone!  Hilarious!  The audience goes even crazier when Jesse says a long tongue twister about some sort of cookie jingle that they have to rewrite for their boss.  It just makes me so mad to see how easily impressed this shows audience is!  Adding insult to injury, the scene climaxes with the audience losing their shit while the baby makes a hideous face.

Harry comes by the full house with a romantic “I love you” lollypop in his hand.  When Stephanie graciously accepts it, Harry very matter of factly lets her know that he brought it for DJ.  Dang.  Raw as fuck.  DJ tries to tactfully deflect Harry when he starts mackin’ on her but he’s blissfully oblivious to her lack of interest.  He rolls out of there not giving a fuck about Stephanie’s feelings and she gets all upset at DJ, shouting, “you stole my man!” and storming off.  I’ve got to say that this is pretty much definitely the raddest scene on this series so far.

Danny and Joey try to squeeze in some bro time on the basketball court.  Joey’s sporting the most bizarre ripped up sweatpants in this scene…  I can’t tell if they’re supposed to look really worn or if that’s a style or what.

Anyway, Jesse rolls up on their party with some work related stuff and Joey tries to cut out on the basketball game, which makes Danny act like a big pouty bitch.  When Joey asks him what’s wrong, he actually says, “If I have to explain it to you then I don’t know why we were friends in the first place.”  What a diva!

Back at the full house Stephanie has traded rooms with Michelle because she’s hella mad at DJ and Danny continues his campaign of emotional immaturity.  Jesse tries to patch things up between Danny and Joey, which leads to an amazing flashback to the time they first met.

This sequence is interesting because it’s actually a lot better than the series usually is.  The child actors who play young Joey, Danny and Jesse are all much more charming and charismatic than their adult counterparts.  Incidentally, it’s kind of forced that Jesse would just happen to be hanging out on the same schoolyard as the other two guys on the day they first met but whatever.  Anyway, in this sequence we finally learn about how Danny and Joey met in grade school when Joey utilized the power of shitty jokes to prevent Danny from getting his ass beat by a fat kid.  On that day Danny and Joey decided that they were “soul brothers,” and there’s a rare, genuinely funny moment where they do their soul brother handshake and a young black kid watches them in the background and shakes his head at how lame they are.  It kind of makes you feel like maybe there was at least one person working on this show that was actually aware of how fucking corny and embarrassing it was.

After the flashback Danny still refuses to come to grips with his childish emotions and he decides to dig up the secret thing that he and Joey buried together on the day they became soul brothers.  Joey goes with him, partially out of spite but really just to serve the plot.

After failing to resolve the rift between Danny and Joey, Jesse decides to try to patch things up between Stephanie and DJ instead.  Harry enters the scene with lust in his eyes but DJ explains to him that she’s never gonna go for him.  Harry and Stephanie are then forced to reconcile, even though, really, after being dumped for her older sister I think it would be pretty understandable if Stephanie just told Harry to go fuck himself.

Joey and Danny find their lost artifacts:  Danny’s lame Giants hat and Joey’s first shitty joke book.  They also find a contract they wrote that declares them to be soul brothers for life (in the signatures we also learn their middle names for the first time).

The music comes on as Danny finally admits that Joey’s gay love for Jesse makes him feel insecure about his own gay love with Joey.  In the end they all recognize their undying, uncompromising gay love for each other and Jesse is invited to sign the soul brothers contract and bury his hair dryer along with their other stuff.

This episode really seems to recognize the gayness of Full house more than any other.  I mean, they basically sign a marriage contract.  If you think about it, “Soul brothers” would actually be a pretty good name for two gay men who are married to each other.  This episode is actually way ahead of its time because not only does it condone  gay marriage but also polyamorous relationships.  Very progressive!

Firsts:  Flashback, Danny’s Middle Name, “Ernest,” Joey’s Middle name, “Elvin.”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse tries to discourage the baby from eating with her hands but she does it anyway.  For some reason they’re wearing matching outfits in this scene.

It’s Valentines day and the full house is all aflutter.  Jesse’s planning the best V-day ever for Rebecca Donaldson so he buys her some fancy earrings and anal beads.  The girls are anxious to receive their gifts from Danny even though Valentines day isn’t really the type of holiday where your parents buy you gifts but whatever.  DJ goes on and on about wanting a “royal blue sweater.”  I’m not sure if that’s a brand name or a color or what, probably because I’m not too hip on early 90′s fashion (not that this show is, either) but anyway she gets it.  Stephanie tries the sweater on and DJ flips out and calls her a “nerd bomber” and a “chicken wing.”  Stephanie retorts by calling her a “double-decker lameoid chicken sandwich” which is pretty awesome but not as cool as if they’d gotten into a fist fight.

Danny tries to resolve the conflict by forcing them to say something nice about each other even thought that’s got to be the most resentment-inducing conflict resolution tactic a parent could ever come up with.  Seriously, why doesn’t he just make them resolve their conflicts with fists.  I’d give anything to watch that.  I’ve been watching this fucking shitty show every week for almost a year now and I’m so desperate to watch any one of these people bleed out of their face that it’s not even funny.

As Stephanie shares her collection of valentines with Mr. Bear, DJ comes home and confides in her that her new sweater got completely destroyed.

Apparently the school gardener drove over it with his lawn mower during recess, which sounds pretty far fetched.  Why would the school gardener even be mowing the lawn during recess?  Isn’t that some kind of safety violation?  My guess is that he did it on purpose because she’s always interrupting him and borrowing all his shit without asking all the time.  Kimmie Gibbler comes over with gigantic hair and cooks up a scheme with DJ to buy a replacement sweater.

The girls convince Joey to drop them off at the clothing store but their plan is foiled when they discover that the sweater costs $80.  They try to haggle with the woman who works there but she aint havin it.  DJ and Kimmie decide to go try on some clothes and while they’re gone Stephanie sees a sign that says, “but now, pay later” and decides that she can just put the sweater in her bag and come back and pay for it some other time.  While the girls exit the store the alarm goes off but another woman that’s leaving at the same time gets frisked instead of them.

Back at the full house, Stephanie reveals that she got the replacement sweater for DJ.  I’m not really sure why she didn’t mention this earlier, especially since she’s not even aware of having done anything wrong.  DJ tells Stephanie that’s she’s actually committed a crime and the two of them make a plan to return the sweater the next day.  Naturally, Danny comes in that very minute to take them out to the movies and he insists that DJ wear her new sweater.

While Danny waits for the girls downstairs he chats with Joey, who is dressed up as Popeye for a Valentines Day costume party.  Are the writers of this show completely unfamiliar with the concept of Valentines day?  As well as I know, it is not a holiday that calls for costume parties or buying your daughter an expensive sweater.  Anyway, Joey does his annoying Popeye impression and then his recurring love interest, Cheryl, enters the scene dressed as Olive Oil.

Cheryl’s Olive Oil impression gives Joey’s Popeye routine some stiff competition for “most annoying impression ever” as she pretty much just screams the whole time.  They also dress the baby up as Sweet Pea and take her to the party as an accessory to their costumes.  Doesn’t it seem weird to carry a baby around all night at a party?

DJ covers up the anti-theft plastic tag on her sweater by bunching up the corner.  Stephanie does it too and they’re able to convince Danny that it’s a new fashion trend.  He decides to do it as well and the result serves as further proof that there’s really nothing he could do to look like a bigger dipshit.  Twisting the corners of Danny’s sweater is like pissing on a pile of shit.  Does it really make a difference?

Once Danny and the girls are gone, Jesse romances Rebecca Donaldson in the hope of scoring some V-Day Va-Jay-Jay.  Based on Jesse’s thoughtful gifts and Rebecca Donaldson’s much more casual ones, it starts to seem like he’s way more into the relationship than she is.   This becomes verified when Jesse makes the symbolic gesture of burning the address book that contains the contact info of his many hoes and she responds by telling him she has a date next Saturday.  Jesse gets all butt hurt about it but agrees to take it slow if she needs to because he’s pretty much willing to do whatever it takes to tap that sweet, sweet Rebecca Donaldson ass.

When the girls return to the department store to return the stolen sweater they set the alarm off and are immediately apprehended.  They explain the situation to the clerk but she’s a total asshole about it and insists on calling their parents.  Seriously, I know that I’m always criticizing these kids for their presumptuous behavior but this really does seem like the kind of mistake a little kid would make and they were caught returning the sweater, not stealing it.  Is it really necessary to call their parents?  Isn’t the lesson then that if you steal something, you should never return it?  Why doesn’t anything on this show ever make any sense?

The Dad’s all find out about the stolen sweater then Danny takes the girls back to the full house for a heartwarming talk.  Danny clarifies that the moral of the story is that you should tell your parents when some shit goes down rather then try to execute some hairbrained scheme.  The girls hug Danny then after he leaves they have an exchange about the importance of sisterly camaraderie and then they hug and the audience goes, “aww.”  Man, up until that final minute I was really hoping that they’d tear each other apart.  If I don’t see some blood pretty soon I swear I’m gonna go crazy.  Maybe next episode…