Season 8, Episode 5, “To Joey, With Love”

This is one of those episodes where you know you’re fucked just by reading the title.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Stephanie does some dumb ass bullshit magic trick with the twins.

Marcia Wallace comes over to the full house to hold a PTA meeting with Joey so she can sexually harass him.

Meanwhile, Jesse comes home and shows everyone an ad he’s put in the paper in order to find a guitar player for the new band that he’s forming.  He’ll probably need to place a bunch more ads later to fill out all the other instruments but never mind that.  Danny expresses interest in being Jesse’s new guitar player but Jesse isn’t thrilled by this on account of Danny is the corniest motherfucker who ever walked the earth.  I wonder why Danny never mentioned wanting to be in Jesse’s band even one time over the last 7 years?

Marcia Wallace continues to fondle and pester Joey until Danny comes in to intercept.  Danny’s presence successfully desiccates Marcia Wallace’s vagina, as it’s done for so many women so many times before, and so she’s finally able to control herself enough to hold an actual meeting with Joey.  She mentions a current shortage of substitute teachers so Joey divulges that he got a teaching certificate after he finished college (I guess he just got it in his spare time as an afterthought, as many teachers do, I’m sure) that he’s renewed each year just in case any of the many successful careers that he’s stumbled into didn’t pan out.  Well isn’t that convenient?!!? I can’t tell if this is more or less out of left field than the time that Joey could fly a plane all of a sudden.

Michelle comes home all depressed because her teacher’s out for some reason that’s never mentioned and, since there are no substitute teachers, they just watch film strips all day.  Yeah, I remember being real sad as a kid when things fell through at school and we just got to sit around and watch movies instead of engaging in precious learning.  I’d go home with my head hanging down because I felt deprived of all the powerful knowledge I was used to receiving on a daily basis.  Anyway, Michelle’s like, “boy, it sure would be convenient if one of the characters on this show just happened to have a teaching degree that they’d never mentioned before for no reason,” and then Joey and Marcia Wallace are like, “damn, bitch, we we’re just talkin’ bout that shit!” What are the odds!??!

Danny tries to convince Jesse to let him audition for his band by playing some “reggae” on his guitar that was more invasive and disrespectful towards Jamaican culture than centuries of British colonization.  Jesse realizes that Danny’s just going to keep bothering him all the time until he agrees to give him an audition so he acquiesces.

Michelle and her stupid little friends (including Lisa, whose hair is a different color than it was last episode, incidentally) all eagerly anticipate Joey being their substitute teacher because they think that he’s just going to make them laugh all day.  It’s almost like they’ve never met him before or something.  The principal comes in and introduces him to the class and then as soon as she leaves, the kids start demanding that he do impressions and refuse to open their science books and shit.  Joey seems pretty frustrated by this and it is certainly inappropriate behavior but, you know what?  Maybe when you goof off like a fucking asshole every second of your life, it might make it kind of hard for people to take anything you do seriously.

Joey tells all the kids to cut the shit but then Michelle keeps breaking his balls so he decides to make an example of her by sending her to the principals office.  Michelle’s like, “you can’t do that.  I’m the undisputed ruler of the entire goddamn universe, for fucks sake” but Joey actually sticks to his guns and gives her the boot.  Sad music plays as Michelle gathers her belongings and then tells Joey that he can go suck a dick because, as we’ve seen so many times before, she has absolutely no concept of accountability whatsoever.

Danny practices his guitar in front of the dog until Joey comes home looking all sad because he sucks so bad at being a substitute teacher.  Michelle comes homes and tells Joey that she thinks that he’s a real piece of shit but then Danny finds out what happens and sends Michelle to her room.  On her way upstairs she’s like, “fuck all y’all” and the audience goes, “aww.”

Stephanie, DJ and Kimmie Gibbler all talk about how much they wanna bang all the filthy musicians who are at the full house to audition for Jesse’s band even though it’s been made abundantly clear over and over again that none of those broads put out.  Well, maybe Kimmie Gibbler does…  Danny shows up and hears the cliched names that all the other butt rockers have, like “Scab,” and decides that he needs a ridiculous moniker as well, so he dubs himself “Mildew.”

Jesse and Becky have a discussion in the basement about how shitty all the auditions have been and then it’s Danny’s turn.  Danny does a really good job and then Jesse’s like, “aw, fuck, am I gonna have to let this embarrassing wiener in my band?  His mere presence is enough to desiccate any woman’s vagina…”  As soon as Becky makes the point that it would only be fair to enlist Danny because he gave the best audition, DJ comes downstairs with one last applicant.

His name is Viper and he’s got ripped jeans and apparently wants to bang DJ.  Having established those characteristics in just a few seconds, he is instantly as well developed a character as most of the cast.  He starts kicking ass at his audition and then Danny picks up his guitar and they have a showdown until Danny realizes that Viper’s hella better than him so it turns into a sort of impromptu jam session.

Danny admits defeat and Viper is recruited.  Jesse tells Danny that he almost made it into the band but only from the point of safety of knowing that there’s no longer a chance he might have to include him.

Michelle and her annoying friends show up for another day of having Joey as a substitute teacher.  The four of them all agree that they hate his guts now and decide to give him the silent treatment and since they seem to run some sort of collective hive-mind in their classroom, all the other kids go along with it even though there’s never any discussion about it or anything.

Joey tries to teach the kids geography for about 10 seconds but he’s so disturbed by their disapproval that he accidentally makes the map roll up.  He responds to this the same way he responds to most uncomfortable moments, by doing a terrible impression of Popeye.  The kids all start laughing so he decides to continue making a bunch of terrible jokes instead of teaching the class and then the principal walks in and finds him fuckin’ around instead of doing his job.  She takes him out into the hallway for a stern talking to and then, when he comes back into the room, he tells the kids that he’s decided to quit being their substitute because it’s just not working out.  The kids are all like, “what the fuck?” and Joey explains that he tried be stern and responsible and nobody liked him because of it so then he tried being fun and lenient for 30 seconds and he got in trouble.  Since he tried one thing and it didn’t work out and then he put almost a full minute of effort into the opposite method and that didn’t work out, either, the only sensible solution would be to quit.  Real good lesson there, Joey.

Michelle approaches his desk and tells him that she doesn’t want him to quit.  She explains that since he’s a big hammy attention whore all the time, it was hard for her to adjust to him taking on the roll of any sort of authority figure, but now she feels sorry for him because he’s so pathetic and inept so she’ll do what he wants out of pity.  She asks all the kids if they still want him to be their teacher and they’re all like, “fuck yeah!” so he agrees to stay.  Then he shows them how to suck an egg through a glass bottle by lighting paper on fire and burning up the oxygen inside, because it’s always a good idea to show a bunch of little kids a trick that involves lighting things on fire.  How is that even educational, anyway?

That’s the third episode in a row with no music!  They’ve all been just as heavy-handed and moralistic as ever, but the lack of music has been really refreshing.  My guess is that they just forgot to include it because nobody who works on this show gives a shit about anything.  It would be totally amazing if it never came back but something tells me that it’ll be returning in the immediate future.

Firsts:  Viper

214 thoughts on “Season 8, Episode 5, “To Joey, With Love”

    • Joey’s hair is disgusting, for sure. But I seriously think Viper has the worst head of hair to be featured on this show ever. I’m trying to think of someone with worse hair over the course of the series, but I can’t.

      • I think Marcia Wallace’s hair is pretty terrible. Not necessarily the color or the cut, but the combination of the two. It’s like… auburn poodle.

        • Good call Sarah, her hair isn’t the greatest either. But to her credit she’s just rocking the same ‘do that all the PTA moms at that time would have been. Viper is supposed to be this tough grungey rocker, shouldn’t his hair be a lot less fluffed and primped?
          Ah, there I go again expecting too much of this show… LOL

          • Yes, I was thinking that, too. I think my 4th grade teacher had that same haircut, only it was wasn’t bright red. Maybe it would be easiest to start a new list: Whose Hair Doesn’t Suck In This Episode?

      • I don’t know about worse hair in the series, but when I saw that first screen shot of Viper the first person who came to my mind was Richard Simmons!

  1. I really liked the impromptu jamming between Danny and Viper. Maybe I’m just a sucker for some good ole rock n’ roll, but it was a nice change of pace from the corny, sarcastic jokes the show forces out all the time. Imagine if Viper never showed up for the audition and Jesse had to include Danny… er, I mean, “Mildew” into the band. Oh, the shenanigans. Danny would probably be buffing his guitar mid-gig from all the sweat rolling down his face under the hot stage lights. Or he would be picking up the remains of broken guitar pieces after someone ceremoniously smashes it. Oh, Full House!

    • I second your sentiments about the jam session, it wasn’t as bad as the usual torture we’re subjected to. It is too bad Mildew never made it in the band, I wonder if he would have busted out the leather pants again like he wore when he sang “My Generation”. Although nothing is more badass than a sweater vest.

      • Why must we be reminded of the “My Generation” moment? *Shudders*

        Have to agree on Danny and Viper, though. And indeed, hard not to wonder what it would’ve been like for Danny and Jesse to be on tour together. If anyone ever decides to start that “Full House” fanfiction thing that’s been talked about in these comment sections before, there’s a story idea…

        • Pardon my ignorance, but mustn’t one be a “fan” in order to write fanfic? Just wondering…

          I am, like all of you, a fan of this blog, however. Maybe someday I’ll write some salacious fanfic about BillySS and all his FHR minions, er, commentatortots and all their wacky shenanigans. We’ll see…

          • You raise a good point. Which now begs the question: what do you call it when someone writes fiction for a show they don’t like? Is there a term for that?

            Also…ooh, I like your idea. I would read those stories!

          • I believe that it falls under the heading of fanfic, but that intentionally bad fanfic is labeled as such. In truth, when I suggested it, I meant it as FHR fanfic, as we are fans of this blog, and enjoy making fun of this terrible show. The work submitted would be in the same vein, though one would not necessarily have to be a fan of this blog, just a fan of making fun of the original material. ;)

          • You can do fanfic for anything, whether you like it or not. Except for Archie comics, because those guys are litigious bastards.

          • Angela there called bashfics. Am making one. Danny dying so bitchelle has to learn not to be a bitch.

          • You also can’t do fan-based stuff for Anne Rice, who is also really litigious. The funny thing about fan-based work is that it’s gaining in popularity with original creators, because they’ve come to realize that fan-work only serves to keep their fanbase alive and excited. The legal eagles for Mad Men gave out C&Ds to people who started Twitter joke accounts for their characters, and the accounts went away. But they suddenly allowed them again a few days later because they realized that it was essentially free advertising.

          • @Vamking12: Bashfics, thank you! Yours sounds interesting :p.

            As for fanfiction in general, I dunno, personally, if I ever became a famous writer of a series or something, and people who read it want to write stories off it, I’d be fine with that. I’d be a wee bit of a hypocrite if I were to get upset about people writing fanfiction, first off, and second, I think it’d be kinda cool to see what a book I wrote might inspire people to write :) .

    • I get the feeling that, immediately after picking up the pieces of said smashed guitar, Danny would try something asinine, like Joey’s tongue moment from last week, accompanied by the “rock-on” hand sign. Just because, you know, a dude who cleans is badass.

  2. I never liked kids who acted up in class and the bullies who took it upon themselves to harass me in school during class were never told to shut the hell up because they were showing disrespect to the teacher! Damn! I wish they had zero tolerance for bullying when I was in school! I digress, though.
    Joey told Michelle to go to the principal’s office when she acted up? Wow! That’s like one of Hitler’s or Sadam Hussein’s guys telling them, “Let’s not murder the Jews or run a despotic regime that will potentially hurt our people!”. I can add another thing Danny would do during the concert: tell the audience to light scented candles instead of just cigarette lighters by themselves and hold the candles up instead!

    • Kids were kicked out of class by the teachers when I was in school if they acted up…but indeed, that didn’t make them stop acting like bullies. They’d just come right back to class after a day or two and the cycle would start all over again.

      I didn’t like kids who acted like that, either. I do actually have to applaud Joey and Danny for standing their ground when Michelle got sent to the principal’s office and whined about it. For once she didn’t get her way on something! *Checks to see if the world is ending*

      • Angela, when a boy tormented me so badly during Math class, the teacher transferred me to another class instead of him! When I told a teacher a girl was mean to me, the teacher said, “She’s just feisty!”. These kids just act up, but you know what, they are going to hell! This boy in school would be standing in line many kids behind me and he would start pushing the other kids so I would fall! Is it any wonder I didn’t want to go to my high school reunion? I am glad Joey and Danny didn’t let Michelle have her way like they do billions of timed before!

        • Bridget, I am so sorry those kids treated you that way! Kids can absolutely be cruel at times (not all, but some).

          You should go to your next high-school reunion and tell your former classmates that you’re a legendary commenting icon at FHR. They may not know exactly what you’re talking about, but they will know it’s a big deal. And it really is :)

          • Do ou know about fhr the greatest website ever? No. Then you must be lame.

            FHR commenters are all elitist
            Cause we all elite

        • Damn, that sucks. That’s not fair at all.

          That was all the more that would happen with most of the kids that got kicked out of class in our school, because their parents either didn’t care or didn’t see a problem with their behavior, so they didn’t put a stop to it and as such, the teachers and the rest of the students had to put up with them.

          I went to two different high schools-one in 9th grade and then I moved and did 10th through 12th grade there. I wouldn’t mind going to the reunion for the second school I went to, the kids there were pretty okay. But if I don’t see 95% of the kids I went to school with in 9th grade and earlier ever again? Yeah, I won’t complain.

          I like LTL’s suggestion about bragging on your FHR commenting status :D ! That’s something worth announcing no matter where you are, I think!

          • Ugh, I have the opposite problem. The first high school that I went to had friends that I grew up with and would like to see. The second one that I went to for 11th and 12th grade was in a town I hated, with closed-minded a-holes. The problem is, you only get invited to the reunion from your graduating school. I never got an invitation to my 10-year, which is just fine with me. Good riddance!

          • I had the same problem as Angela did. I couldn’t stand the High School I went to in 9th grade and the people that went there. But then I moved to another High School for 10-12th grade and had a much better time. Even though I liked my latter High School better, I still wouldn’t go to my reunions (when the time comes) because the population was huge. My graduating class had so many people, I’ve forgotten about most of my old classmates by now.

            And as much as I hate Joey, good for him for putting Michelle in her place. Why couldn’t more episodes be like that? And Michelle was at her absolute worst this season. She’s not just a little brat, she’s just downright snippy. I don’t know how the writers thought this was entertaining at all.

          • Thank you, you two! I will miss this blog and everyone! As for Joey, he said he would teach his students state capitals, but, well when the last episode comes up, all will b revealed, my peeps!

        • Bridget, that must feel so lousy to this day. I’m truly sorry for the pain that you had to (and still have to) endure.

          • LT, it is getting better for me! I read about a guy in the paper named Dennis Beard who tormented me in school and he is in prison for assault and the victim he attacked did nothing to warrant the attack! I hope Dennis doesn’t get out of prison. I think the writer of the article had a thing for Dennis because he said Dennis was boyishly attractive or something!

  3. >>>Danny tries to convince Jesse to let him audition for his band by playing some “reggae” on his guitar that was more invasive and disrespectful towards Jamaican culture than centuries of British colonization.

    Brilliant. As is the final screencap of Joey.

  4. Happy Friday, everyone!

    1. Okay, my mind may be a little fuzzy since it’s still early in the morning here in Philadelphia, but…..what??? Joey has a teaching certificate all of a sudden? Where was this teaching certificate during all of his lulls of unemployment? If I were Danny, I would be SUPER PISSED to find out the Joey could have been earning an income as a substitute teacher during these times instead of lying on the couch watching Yogi Bear reruns all the livelong day.

    2. Danny’s presence successfully desiccates Marcia Wallace’s vagina, as it’s done for so many women so many times before, and so she’s finally able to control herself enough to hold an actual meeting with Joey.

    If Joey’s presence isn’t enough to do that, I don’t see why anyone else’s would be.

    3. Speaking of Danny, I actually think he would be a refreshing change of pace from the usual cliched cartoon characters that are usually in Jesse’s band.

    4. I have to give this episode credit where it is due: presenting a conflict between Joey and Michelle is rather like inflicting the audience with Sophie’s choice. They are, by most people’s standards, the two most irritating characters, so it is genuinely hard to determine whom to side with.

    One the one hand — oy vey Joey. Of course Michelle isn’t going to take you seriously as an authority figure the second you snap your fingers. She’s seen you goof off and act like a socially stunted toddler for several years!

    That said….it’s pretty awesome that someone in the full houe had the cojones to put Michelle in her place and stand up to her. You go, Joey! (Yes, I said it, and I do NOT feel good about it).

    Have a wonderful weekend!

    • I just remembered that episode where he quit comedy and decided to be an investment banker or some nonsense and went by the name Joe. You’d think it would have been a lot easier to just get back into the teaching game if that license was consistently renewed for no reason at all…

      • Yes! And he gets it renewed every year, but a need for substitute teachers has NEVER come up in the 15 years he’s been doing so? Seriously? I find it more likely that he has renewed it every year on the chance that maybe one day Michelle’s class will need a substitute teacher…Honestly, the plot didn’t even need this little extra tidbit of delusion. I don’t know about the state of California, but in my state you can get your subsitute teacher’s certificate online as long as you have a college degree. Why didn’t they just have Joey step up to the plate and DECIDE to become a sub for Michelle’s sake. It’s catering to her every whim, no less, but makes a heck of a lot more sense!

        • Sally, it makes no sense to me that Joey would have a teaching license and renew it every year and not use it! It would be like getting a fishing license or a driver’s license and not using it!

          • School was really the only aspect of the girls’ lives in which one of the three dads didn’t serve as an adult mentor/role model.

            Michelle’s Soccer? Joey
            DJ’s Guitar? Jesse
            Stephanie’s Baseball? Danny
            Honeybees? Danny
            Field Trip Chaperone? Jesse, Danny and Joey
            DJ’s Karate? Oh shit, I forgot about DJ’s karate.

    • Excellent point about the teaching certificate. Yeah, there’s always going to be a need for teachers, so that would’ve surely come up at some point well before then.

      Love the “Sophie’s Choice” comparison. And as for Marcia’s crush on Joey…girl needs to get out more. That is all.

      Happy Friday! Hope you and everyone else has a wonderful weekend (I’m excited because once I’m off work at 5 pm today I will officially start a 10 day vacation! Woo!).

        • Thanks! Yeah, I’ll probably go hang out with a couple friends this weekend, and then next Tuesday we’re going to a town a couple hours away ’cause an artist my mom loves is performing at the county fair there (Mickey Dolenz, for all fellow Monkees fans here :D ) as well as a few other acts.

          Other than that? I’m going to sleep in and relax and watch a whole mess of TV/bum around online, hehe. Looking forward to it.

          • That’s cool! I saw the Monkees at Milwaukee Summerfest at age 12 and they know how to perform! I felt terrible for Micky on Piers Morgan after Davy’s death because he was crushed! I wonder how many takes they had to do because of Micky’s emotional state? I know all 3 guys were devastated in their own way!

  5. Marcia Wallace comes over to the full house to hold a PTA meeting with Joey so she can sexually harass him.

    Hey, continuity! Look at that.

    He’ll probably need to place a bunch more ads later to fill out all the other instruments but never mind that.

    Heh.

    Besides, everyone knows the guitar is the most important instrument. The other instruments can all be played by nameless, near-faceless extras pulled off the street.

    I can’t tell if this is more or less out of left field than the time that Joey could fly a plane all of a sudden.

    More, I think. It’s the “renewed it every year just for shits and giggles” part that puts it over the top.

    Michelle comes home all depressed because her teacher’s out for some reason that’s never mentioned and, since there are no substitute teachers, they just watch film strips all day.

    Okay, first of all, remember how awesome film strips were? Damn kids and their “technology” these days, they’ll never know the sublime pleasure of watching static images pretending to be an actual movie.

    Secondly, Michelle, you are, as always, dead wrong, in that you just described an awesome day

    then Joey and Marcia Wallace are like, “damn, bitch, we we’re just talkin’ bout that shit!” What are the odds!??!

    It’s damn near Shakespearean, I tell ya…

    Michelle’s like, “you can’t do that. I’m the undisputed ruler of the entire goddamn universe, for fucks sake”

    Joey’s lucky she didn’t turn him into some kind of Jack-in-the-Box monster.

    Well, maybe Kimmie Gibbler does…

    Oh, Kimmie Gibbler totally does. On her terms, of course, but she does.

    How is that even educational, anyway?

    I dunno, vacuums and shit?

    • Okay, first of all, remember how awesome film strips were? Damn kids and their “technology” these days, they’ll never know the sublime pleasure of watching static images pretending to be an actual movie.

      Secondly, Michelle, you are, as always, dead wrong, in that you just described an awesome day

      I would just like to say “WORD” to all of this. Yeah, you get a free day to chill and do nothing at school, shut the hell up and enjoy it.

    • “Besides, everyone knows the guitar is the most important instrument. The other instruments can all be played by nameless, near-faceless extras pulled off the street.”

      …Or Roger Lodge.

  6. What young, talented guitarist would want to join a band led by someone who has gone nowhere in 15 years and plays Oldies? THAT should be Danny’s red flag for Viper dating his daughter, not that he has long hair and torn jeans.

    • MAC, as always, you make a fantastic point!

      Why WOULD any aspiring musician want to play background for someone who was unanimously kicked out of his own band and has the work ethic of a snail?

      • Hard to argue with that logic.

        Geez, yeah, if long hair and torn jeans were a sign of “bad dating material” then my mom would’ve been in trouble when she met my dad (who was a smartass, yes, but who was also a really cool, not at all dangerous guy).

    • You forget that Jesse had a #1 hit in Japan.. maybe he really likes sushi and thought this was a potential way to get a free trip to Japan?

  7. Sucking an egg through a small space is science because the properties caused by the fire change the egg in a way that allows it to be sucked through aforementioned small space. Just one more #snarkfail on your part, Billy.

    • so this new commenter, who goes by “science” (as in “dropping science,” i’m assuming) is going through my posts and finding things to dispute so they can label them #snarkfail. it’s really annoying. now i know how people who worked on full house would feel if they ever saw this blog.

      • Except he’s wrong. The properties of the egg don’t change, burning the oxygen in the container causes the air to heat up, then as the air/bottle cools, the pressure drops,creating a vacuum effact, sucking the egg into the bottle.

      • Since this confirms that you, Billy Superstar, read comments left on old posts, I wish while I recently went through part of this site’s backlog I had commented every time you wrote something sexist (often), racially insensitive (occassionally), and every time Bridget was straight up racist in the comments (super often).

        It was especially awful to read that circle jerk during the season 7 wrap-up about what a lovely oasis this place is from all the vile things you find elsewhere on the internet. This blog is a pit, too. But before you dispute me about how you’re a feminist and therefore are above being criticized for calling women hoes left and right and insisting DJ express her sexuality according to your standards, and before you ask why I read this blog if it sucks so much, I’ll say this: putting my head in the sand whenever I encounter anything problematic would both keep me from enjoying a lot of things and ensure nothing ever changes for the better.

        P.S. When put something out for public consumption, you should be prepared to accept public reactions that aren’t all kissing your ass. How immature that after years of blogging you would still not be able to accept this concept.

        • Anyone else amused by these guys who feel the need to argue that what they did is not so bad? If they really believed that, why would they need to respond?

          Being a jerk is not the same as offering criticism. Following someone around in order to make them feel bad is not the same thing as “not kissing their ass.” The fact that you characterize being nice as a “circlejerk” is an indication of your sad life.

          Honestly, I think Billy’s being way too nice. He has admitted he realized people are trolling. Trolls want attention. The best thing he could do is delete and ban, so you guys can’t bait anyone else who read these blogs.

          All you have done by saying what you’ve said is indicate your value as a person, and it’s not very high. You haven’t put Billy in his place. You’ve just advertized to the world that you have a lot of growing up to do.

          • Well, I wouldn’t exactly put it that way. While I think ComplaintDepartment’s comment wasn’t very kind, he/she did have a point, and it doesn’t mean they have growing up to do. I find it really odd, reading these threads a year later, what an emperor’s-new-clothes feeling I get when it comes to Bridget’s comments. They are at best odd, and worst offensive, and everyone here pretends they’re just awesome. CD is right – she has written straight-up racist statements (the Stavros episode’s comment thread comes to mind) and not one of you has called her out on it. The double standard is frustrating to me. Is she actually Billy or something?

          • Trickly, I do try not to say the f-word or any other thing that might be thought of as sexual in nature in these blogs. I think people can write things without using those words. I think the writers of “Full House” are way worse at racism than anyone else! I wrote to a girl in Macedonia and the pictures she sent me where of herself and she never dressed like Jesse’s grandparents or like Stavros. She dressed like a normal girl.

        • CD, I did write about Dr. Drew and Dr. Julian who were both African American doctors on the Stavros blog and the contributions those 2 men made in the field of blood banks and arthritis are remarkable! The fact Dr. Drew started blood banks in the 1940s is the reason so many people are alive because of the blood transfusions. Dr. Julian invented cortisone to help with the pain of arthritis as well. Billy said that Aunt Becky and her family should not be living in an attic like Anne Frank and her family. I said Anne and her family did not belong in the attic. Otto Frank did everything in his power to bring them to America, but red tape put a stop to that. I would never go the PETA route either and compare the butchering of chickens to the slaughter of 6 million Jews. Those PETA people are disgusting! I also would not say unlike Billy that DJ should lose her virginity. I think people should wait for marriage before they make that kind of commitment. I admire the director of “The Mist” Frank Darabout because he seemed very nice to the actors who who old, young, black, white, and all. I do respect my customers and try to help them whether they are men, women, children, black and white. People are people. I would never act like that cashier in the movie “Terms of Endearment” who gave Debra Winger’s Emma character a hard time. John Lithgow’s character called her on it. One customer told me I was patient and I like that!

    • I totally thought Derrick’s look said “Man I want to tap that!” as he looked at Lisa. Which is odd considering. And yes, I agree, he does look like a Culkin boy!

    • oooh the first one is going to be next weeks review! I can’t wait to see what Billy has to say about that donkey! And the picture for #2 (also later this season)…Joey in long johns, YIKES!

    • They forgot the moment Jesse got spanked by a monkey in bed, and he was lapping it up. That was probably the #1 WTF moment for me

    • I made that comparison all the time. So glad someone else sees it, too!

      Ahhh, the episode tied to that link will be a fun, fun read *Rubs hands gleefully*.

  8. Does anyone think that the last picture of Joey reminds them of Cody from Sister Wives? They have an eerie resemblance that I hate to think about!

  9. Ugh, so much crap to slog through. First, they drop Steph and Becky into the pre-credits gag, probably because they no longer serve much of a purpose, but they’re under contract for the rest of this shitty show, and needed to be in there somewhere if they’re getting paid. I feel like Stephanie only exists if they want to give her an episode about how tough it is to be in middle school/junior high, or if they need an extra body to go along with a group shenanigans thing. “Michelle wants to contest the quality of a dinosaur toy? Let’s toss Stephanie in there because we need more people in on this, and the Full House has enough occupants to form a small self-righteous mob.”
    Becky mostly only exists as a straight man to her husband’s incessant crapola.
    Marcia Wallace: I still can’t see her and not see Medusa from The Rescuers.
    Joey has a teaching certificate. Which means he has a college degree of some kind. For what? OMG, why do I get the feeling that if someone on this show asked him which college he graduated from, he’d answer “clown college”? Joey, if you had a teaching degree and a fucking teacher’s certificate, why the holy hell didn’t you use them? Yes, I KNOW it’s easier to mooch off of Danny, but you’d at least have been employed for 9 months of the year, and you’d be bringing in some (tiny) regular paychecks. Joey is only useful when the writers think it’s funny.
    Michelle is sad that they had to watch movies and shit all day? Who is she kidding? Who is this show kidding?
    Dear Joey, You’re an asshole Parthenon, but thank you for shipping Michelle off to the principal’s office for acting out in class. They’re microscopic, but you finally grew a pair.
    Dear Danny, You’re a bitch Acropolis, but thank you for sending Michelle to her room because she tried to start shit with Joey at school. Now you have some fucking clout: don’t lose it.
    ….Mildew. Yes, Mildew says “hard-core butt-rocker”. Good job, Danny. A gold star to you. Play some chords so you can earn a cookie.
    Viper. Viper looks like a 40-year old, trying to cling to his youth. Also, he looks a bit like Pauly Shore, and he’s dreaming if he thinks he can get into DJ’s pants.
    “Since he tried one thing and it didn’t work out and then he put almost a full minute of effort into the opposite method and that didn’t work out, either, the only sensible solution would be to quit.” That’s how they roll in the Full House. I’m pretty sure Stephanie did a wood-burning project in Honeybees where she burned a plaque with this motto. It’s probably hanging over one of the doors in the house. It’s there to remind them to quit after 10 minutes of something being too hard.
    Final thought for this episode: Joey’s hair. As much as people hate it, it actually matches the subject that he keeps trying to teach. Doesn’t that mullet just scream “science teacher”?

    • “Also, he looks a bit like Pauly Shore, and he’s dreaming if he thinks he can get into DJ’s pants.”

      Well if I’m not mistaken, Sarah P, he eventually does. Because, you know, in this show being in a band automatically makes a guy a hot catch.

      • Well, to be fair, musicians ARE generally pretty sexy :) . But what I love is how DJ went from someone as uptight and nerdy as Nelson to Viper the rocker. Eh?

        In regards to this comment from Sarah:

        Final thought for this episode: Joey’s hair. As much as people hate it, it actually matches the subject that he keeps trying to teach. Doesn’t that mullet just scream “science teacher”?

        None of my science teachers had mullets and now I feel like I’ve missed out on something common :p. Mine all had short hair. And my sixth grade one had flaming red hair, and when he got angry his face would turn as red as his hair. No joke.

        (I also had a bit of a crush on that particular science teacher. He never yelled at me, thankfully.)

        • “Well, to be fair, musicians ARE generally pretty sexy :) . But what I love is how DJ went from someone as uptight and nerdy as Nelson to Viper the rocker. Eh? ”

          Word. Although maybe she figures that since it didn’t work out with Nelson, maybe Viper would be a nice change of pace?

  10. When Becky tried to reason with Jesse by explaining that Danny deserved the position since he was the best one thus far, doesn’t he whine, “I don’t want to be fair; I want to be cool”?

    This reminded me of something (among many things) I never understood about this show: why is Jesse supposed to be considered “cool”? Seriously, what is cool about him? He can’t hold on to a job, he’s often rude to people (especially women), he’s the most negligent husband and father I’ve ever witnessed, fictional or nonfictional, and his world seems to revolve around his 8-year-old niece. He’s no cooler than any other character on this show.

    I’m amused by the fact that in the Full House universe, if you have ever worn leather and/or played a guitar, you are automatically a cool human being.

    • On a smart, subversive show, Jesse would be a commentary on the idea that women like douchebag guys, and those douchebags are seen as cool for their douchebag behavior, like being rude, lazy, unaccountable, disrespectful to women, arrogant, and self-involved.

      Full House has never been remotely smart, so there goes that idea.

      • “Community” plays around with that idea with the character of Jeff Winger. Course, the fact that it’s Joel McHale playing Jeff helps make him attractive to me, but…yeah :p.

        In real life, though, guys with that kind of behavior are NOT sexy to me. I don’t expect men to be perfect angels, no, and a little bit of rough and tough attitude here and there isn’t bad (I LOVE a smartass sense of humor on a guy). But I also want them to be decent human beings who know how to treat women, as well as society in general.

        • I agree – for me at least, assholes are NOT sexy. I know some women are nuts for them but I never got it.

          Of course, pushovers aren’t sexy either. There has to be that line between tough/confident and nice – if you stray too far one way you get the asshole, if you stray the other way you get the pushover.

          • Absolutely true. I like people who know how to stand up for themselves when needed.

            I don’t get why women go for assholes, either. What could you possibly get out of some guy treating you like dirt?

          • Totally agree. I have never in my life understood the women-like-bad-boys cliche, because nothing is more repulsive to me than meanness.

    • I SO agree with the whole “Jesse’s not cool” thing…In the first few seasons, he was hot, not gonna lie. But at the end, all he is is a failed, whiny (shitty) musician who lives in an attic, survives off his wife’s paychecks, and, like you said, his entire life revolves around his douchey 8 year old niece. Seriously, he probably kisses her on the mouth more than he kisses Becky. ::shudders::

      • And I’m not sure if his physical appearance really declined, or if it just seems that way because of how un-hot his personality became. But it sure seems that way. His hair got waaaay greasier.

        Also, remember when he’s interviewed on MTV for his horrible music video for “Forever”? Remember how fucking lame and nervous and gross he was acting?! I think he even mentions having gas. Ew. :|

        • Hahhahaha! Jamie, I do remember that, sadly. At least that was somewhat of a hint as to the horror we were about to witness…the actual Forever video.

    • I own a leather jacket. I briefly played the acoustical guitar. I am REALLY not cool. Full House can suck those eggs that Joey was demonstrating with.

    • Seriously. Jermsey’s entire existence is one giant midlife crisis. Nah brah, you’re not cool anymore.

      You’re not necessarily cool in the FH universe if you’ve worn leather or played a guitar. Just look at Danny. He plays guitar and wore leather pants in that one episode… *shudder*

    • I’m amused by the fact that you’ve put so much time and effort into watching and analyzing a show you claim to hate.

      • Hey! You don’t have to hand out free contraception to your employees thanks to the SCOTUS.

        Your diabetus medication needs to be refilled at Rite Aid.

  11. I always wondered why Michelle acted bummed that their teacher was out and they got to watch movies all day. Isn’t that hella exciting to kids? Or was that just me?

    Joey having a teaching degree is horrifying. I’d rather my kids be taught by a pack of wolves or something. And it’s really fucking weird that that comes out of absolute nowhere, and even Danny who went to college with him didn’t know he majored or minored in education?!
    Him randomly being a pilot is at least a bit more reassuring because at least it gives him the opportunity to crash and die a horrible death.

    Why did no one know that Danny was pretty fucking good on the guitar?!

    I hate when Joey gets insulted when everyone writes him off as a good-for-nothing, immature, asshole weirdo. He spent his whole life going out of his way to give himself that rep. He acts proud of it until people start pointing it out. I wanna punch him.

    Also, I always found it so weird that the kids responded to all of his Popeye and Bullwinkle shit. Isn’t that incredibly outdated? My older sister is the same age as Mary Kate and Ashley and I’m pretty sure the last thing she gave a fuck about as a child was Popeye. Why didn’t he ever EVER impersonate someone or something relevant at that time?!

    Viper is actually kinda cute. But in real life he’d never go for DJ’s prude poon. And good point about Kimmie maybe giving up her goods. Being as tho she was the only character on the history of the show to ever consume alcohol, there’s a good chance she did other normal teenager things as well.

    Genius post once again, Billy <3

    • “But in real life he’d never go for DJ’s prude poon.”

      Why not, that would make it more of a challenge. :) Plus, oh yeah, she’s totally beautiful.

      • She is! But he seems to be like a young Jesse, who only went for hoes that wanted to bang him (to the point where even being in front of the kids never stopped them from making out, as we’ve seen many times before)

    • And it’s really fucking weird that that comes out of absolute nowhere, and even Danny who went to college with him didn’t know he majored or minored in education?!

      Excellent point. Especially since there was that one episode from way back in one of the early seasons where Danny apparently could remember every last little detail about his friendship and history with Joey.

      Him randomly being a pilot is at least a bit more reassuring because at least it gives him the opportunity to crash and die a horrible death.

      *Snerk*

      I also like your comment about Joey trying to impersonate something relevant to that group of kids. But in his case, it’s either appear hopelessly outdated or try and come off REALLY “cool” to children, and he wouldn’t be able to win that battle either way, I don’t think.

    • “Joey having a teaching degree is horrifying. I’d rather my kids be taught by a pack of wolves or something.”
      If you attend Hogwarts, you can be taught by one lone wolf ;)

      • I love how Harry Potter was brought into this<3 HP super-fan for life! I went to almost every movie premiere at midnight, and the last two premieres I went dressed up as Bellatrix. Ah, it's refreshing to talk about something that's actually good…

        I guess I can see where the kids may respond to a "funny" voice, or whatever, but I still find it odd that they chose to have him constantly impersonate those outdated characters!

  12. New bar for first year of teaching: be better than Joey.

    Second hurdle: find a clip of Full House that relates to Shakespeare.

    Viper is my second favorite Full House character, after Kathy Santoni. Would that they could have found each other. She would appreciate his taste in extra-medium tee shirts. He probably would have not knocked her up. She could have been Bobbie Brown to his Jani Lane, Tawny Kitaen to his David Coverdale, Sharise Ruddell to his Vince Neil… Oh, Kathy. It’s not too late.

    (Also, going from Nelson to Viper? That’s like going from a sedan to a Harley.)

  13. I would be jumping for joy if I got to watch movies all day in elementary school (shit, I’d do a cartwheel if I could do that right now!) Is Michelle’s teacher gravely ill? She must be if she’s gone for days on end, maybe she’s dead?
    I’m also baffled how, in San Francisco of all places, you can just not find a sub. More so, I never once remember the principal wasting time to introduce the substitute to the class. I have so many unanswered questions from this episode that I think my brain might explode.

    • NJ Michelle, totally agree with your post!

      I’m picturing a bunch of 8-year-olds sitting in a classroom, watching movies by themselves all day, without a teacher….would that even be allowed? If they couldnt get a teacher, who was supervising these children all day?

  14. Awww nuts, I couldn’t wake up early enough to read let alone comment on this due to having to work my ass off as an actual real life teacher. I just happened to get my Masters in education, you know, like people do…

    Anyway, wonderful review. Thanks for a well needed smile during a shitty day.

  15. I am so glad I found this site! I remember back in the dark ages when this show came out. Even then, I thought, this is effing weird. And Michelle creeped me out even back then. Can you believe those Olsen twins are now renowned as fashion icons? The Dark Lords always deliver I guess.

  16. “This is one of those episodes where you know you’re fucked just by reading the title.”

    At first I thought the title was referring to a new zero-chemistry love interest for Joey and I was VERY afraid. It turns out the title is a play on “To Sir, With Love” which is a reference that is…well…clever isn’t the right term…unexpected?

    “Danny tries to convince Jesse to let him audition for his band by playing some “reggae” on his guitar that was more invasive and disrespectful towards Jamaican culture than centuries of British colonization.”

    Nice!

    “The principal comes in and introduces him to the class…”

    Has anyone ever had their principal introduce a substitute teacher? I can’t recall that ever happening. And the Tanners live in San Francisco, you’d assume their school is huge!

    And, on a final note, Joey’s hair is incredibly distracting…and disturbing.

  17. The saddest part of this whole episode, for me, is that it featured a cameo by Derek but failed to include one of his well-known flamboyant musical numbers or an overt allusion to his homosexuality.

  18. INCREASE YOUR GIRTH BY 200% GUARANTEED!!!

    Just kidding. I’m not an advertisement for penis enlargement pills.

    You just gotta love how this show just pulls stuff out of their ass for the sake of one particular episode’s plot. Joey, who’s spent the last eight years of his life mooching off his childhood friend and generally being a man-child doucheburger, suddenly has a teaching license that he renews every year but never uses. How convenient! Regardless, I’m going to echo most of the other comments and give kudos to Joey for not putting up with Head Bitch in Charge Michelle’s shit for once. It’s about damn time.

    Next week is the donkey episode. Brace yourselves, folks.

  19. “She mentions a current shortage of substitute teachers so Joey divulges that he got a teaching certificate after he finished college (I guess he just got it in his spare time as an afterthought, as many teachers do)”
    Ok. My daughter’s major is in English. After she graduates four years of college, she will apply,take classes or whatever for her teaching certificate,so this is not uncommon. Also in my state,to be a sub teacher,you have to have a GED or a HS diploma,that’s it. As for this-”I can’t tell if this is more or less out of left field than the time that Joey could fly a plane all of a sudden.” Dave Coulier is really a private pilot in real life and owns an expensive plane.

    • ok, so let’s just assume that it’s really easy to get a teaching certificate. it’s still a stretch that he’d be renewing it every year (which they state that he’s been doing) without ever using it or mentioning it to anyone. joey is more or less unemployed for the first year or so of the series and it seems really odd to me that he was qualified to substitute teach that whole time. as for him being a pilot all of a sudden one time, you can’t just say that the actor who plays him is a pilot in real life and treat it like a sufficient explanation. characters on shows can’t just do things all of a sudden because the actors who play them can.

    • In California to be a sub you have to have a bachelors and pass a couple of tests. I am a prospective teacher so I only need 90 units and to pass the CBEST or CSET and also go through a bunch of background checks and fingerprinting.

      • Right, but the tests are for being a sub, not for being a teacher. You don’t have your actual teaching certificate.

        It could mean that Joey got his substitute teaching certificate and kept it renewed, but that still runs into the same problem as Billy mentions.

        And it wouldn’t be a problem if they’d not explicitly stated that he’d never used it. There’s no reason he couldn’t have used it with no fanfare during days when we weren’t watching. He’s had a job the majority of the time he’s been on the show, after all. He could excuse the first season as believing he needed to be at home full time to take care of the girls, only going out to comedy clubs at night when Danny would be home.

  20. Is it just me or does the final screencap look like Joey is lighting up a spliff?

    Which, of course, would explain a hell of a lot more about his character than any teaching certificate could.

  21. Kia ora all, from New Zealand. I have a confession to make – for the last 10 months or so, I’ve been dealing with insomnia by watching an episode of Full House then reading the corresponding FHR review. I started at the beginning and have finally caught up. It’s like arriving in the future. Thanks, Billy, for being so awesome. My flatmates probably don’t appreciate hearty laughter emanating from my room at 3am, but hey, it’s good for me.

    When this episode started I thought – hey! PTA meeting? Continuity!! But then there’s Joey randomly having a teacher’s diploma, and Denise being completely absent (maybe she’s got whatever horrible infestation the teacher has?), Joey assumably not turning up to Rush Hour Renegades… so… yeah. No surprises there.

    I love your use of words like ‘acquiesces’ and ‘moniker’. Your blogs are more educational than Joey’s classroom.

    Gotta say, Viper is pretty hot. Not hot like Jesse (whom I’ve had a thing for since I was 7 years old, and nothing can take that away from me), but still.. if DJ was gonna give it to anyone on this show it’d be him I reckon.

    • Joey assumably not turning up to Rush Hour Renegades… so… yeah.

      Oh, good catch! Yeah, about that, um…how’s that supposed to work out?

      Also, welcome, and oh, you’re from New Zealand? I officially envy you. That is on my list of countries I’d love to visit someday.

      • NZ is a pretty awesome country, true, we’re far away but that just adds to the charm :) I definitely want to visit USA sometime so the feeling is mutual. There’s so much on my list of what I want to see there that I need a decent chunk of time to do it…. needless to say the “Full House” house is not on that list

        • I have a friend who lives in Australia (we met online ’cause we’re both big fans of the Finn brothers), and she’s been to New Zealand many times and sent me postcards and pictures and such from that country. It always looks so breathtakingly gorgeous. Someday…

          I hope you can come to the U.S. for a visit someday, that’d be great! And hopefully you’d like it if/when you do visit-there’s a lot of really friendly, welcoming people here. What sorts of things/places would you like to see?

          • I’m pretty into nature, tramping, music and theatre, so Yellowstone, the Grand Canyon, Niagara falls, New Orleans, Seattle, Broadway of course, Mesa Verde National Park, and definitely Disneyland (sans princess Michelle) :D I also always wanted to do Route 66 to see the old little towns but apparently it’s not that easy to hire a car one way

          • Oh, cool, those would be great spots to check out!

            Broadway is fun. I went on a school trip to New York City once and we got to see a Broadway play when there. It was a choice between ‘Les Miserables’ or ‘The Music Man’, and since I’m actually from the town that ‘The Music Man’ is based on and therefore familiar with that story, I picked ‘Les Miserables’. Excellent production. My friend and I were bawling our eyes out by the end of it, mind, but still :p. Though I did hear from those who went to see ‘Music Man’ that that play was just as good.

            Disneyland is fun, too, and indeed, definitely better when you don’t have an obnoxious brat like Michelle following you around :D .

            I’m with you on New Orleans and Seattle, I’ve always thought those would be cool cities to visit. Route 66 would be fun, too (another road I’ve always wanted to take is the one out in Nevada that passes by where Area 51 and that is. That’d be a creepy, interesting little drive).

      • A New Zealander? Sweet!
        I too must give you props for noticing that Joey did not do his radio show that day. Why does this guy either have no job at all, or too many? Jesse, too.

        • I have a question.. everyone here at FHR always says that Jesse and Joey never pay rent, but do we actually know that is the case? I mean, surely Danny would be charging them rent at this point….

          • hmm.. This is a great question. I’m not sure if they ever actually acknowledge the rent situation. Even if Danny did ask them for rent contributions, I don’t see either Jesse or Joey as the type of guy who would be diligent about paying up. LOL.

    • Catherine, did you catch up on the episode with Michelle and Stephanie going to New Zealand with the kids choir? I would say leave those two brats in New Zealand, but why ruin a beautiful country with their presence? I did mention Lily’s Disneyland Surprise on YouTube and you will be touched by this angelic, unspoiled then 5 year old blond girl!

      • Hi Bridget, Yes I did watch that episode again, I remember being so excited when it first aired that they mentioned NZ. The other episode with a New Zealand connection is “Tanner’s Island” where the warrior near the end is played (I think) by a kiwi

        • I remember going to see “Titanic” in 1997 when it came out in the theatre and everyone was excited when Leonardo DiCaprio’s Jack character mentioned Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin and the town sent him some beer for mentioning the town! I did see a good movie called “The Echo of Thunder” and it was filmed in Australia or Tanzania and when the girl looked out on the scenery, it was lovely!

  22. Before I read the recap, all I can say is “Oh God, an episode about Joey.” >sigh< Well, if you can stomach watching it I can certainly read your take on it…here we go.

  23. So I just watched this episode and I can’t believe no one has mentioned what has got to be one of the most homoerotic lines ever to be uttered on this show. After Jesse tells Danny he would have been in the band if not for Viper, Danny is talking about the fun they’d have had out on the road. He was talking about being on the bus and “sharing a nut log”. He said it right after a face to face cuddle.

    Sharing a nut log? Wow.

    Ok, maybe it wasn’t homoerotic and I’m just a pervert. Well, I do have an incredibly pervy sense of humor, but I still think that line was a major wink, wink, nudge, nudge to the gay men love fest this show is based on.

    • Saget, Coulier and Stamos all have that type of sense of humor and were all extremely pervy on set all the time, according to some behind the scenes interviews I’ve read. They no doubt were in on the joke and ad libbed several overt, deliberate gay nuances. One of the producers even said in an interview that three men living together in San Francisco raised many eyebrows at its inception.

    • Joey once said, “I need to spend time with Mr. Woodchuck” and taken in that context, what does that sound like? Is my mind as filthy as everyone’s mind here?

  24. Hey Billy! I watched the episode again just to confirm I was correct before putting you on blast (again :) And when the kids enter the classroom the day after Michelle got sent to the principal’s office, the kids express their newfound hatred for Joey (man are they late to the party,) and Derek suggests that they fly right so as to not provoke him, while Teddy has the brilliant idea to give him the silent treatment, he then sets off to tell the other kids to follow suit. So when you said that they unrealistically somehow all got the memo, well #snarkfail :-) Btw, I actually do love you even though I bust your balls. Kinda like how you feel about full house. It’s hilarious that you made that comparison (our relationship to that of yours with the Full House crew,) because that’s exactly my point and I was going to point that out amidst my own brand of snark, something like “Doesn’t it suck when someone with way too much time on their hands devotes that time to nitpicking at your work?” But you made the connection all on your own, very smart of you (or I wasn’t so subtle.) I absolutely LOVE this blog because it keeps my favorite show fresh and alive, plus I love reading reviews online of shows I watch or books I’ve read and comparing notes/seeing what others thought, I just think you get a little too nitpicky sometimes and to be honest, it’s not even necessary. There’s plenty to make fun of organically, you don’t have to stretch it. btw, my alter ego is “Full House Expert,” who is a bigger fan of yours than this character, who is much more PMSy and critical. Thanks for keeping the comments section alive! :-) Peace.

    • Can’t we all just get along??

      Seriously, though. Look, I don’t necessarily agree with every single comment that is ever written in a review, and that is to be expected. But if you wish to point it out, there is a way to do it in a respectful tone. I’m not sure labeling each point of dispute as a #snarkfail is the way to go. :/

      Billy is not nitpicking the Full House episodes to be malicious or to hurt anyone’s feelings; he is doing it to provide laughs for thousands of readers, which he has. It’s just a fun project.

      • There’s nothing I loathe more than an overly protective fanbase. It’s seriously really lame and the hypocrisy is impossible to deny. You’re mad that I’m nitpicking Billy’s reviews and pointing it out in a “disrespectful tone”, while advocating that he’s doing the same thing on FH. Oooh but it’s different just because it is. Seriously get over yourself. Billy posted this shit on the world wide web, he has to accept that he’s going to encounter some adversaries. I’ll comment whatever the fuck I want and you can suck my dick.

      • and by the way, “lovetolaugh”, if my comments get deleted, and under the unlikely condition that I give enough of a fuck, I’d gladly launch my own blog with all my thoughts on Billy and more, just to agitate your creepy over protectiveness of him and to prove that your sad, ill-fated attempts to manipulate what other people type on the internet will be unsuccessful. I suggest, instead of agitating me, you just accept that some things are out of your control and you will never be able to shield Billy from reading comments that aren’t totally enamored with him and willing to suck farts from his high and mighty asshole.

          • You’re right, Billy. I’m sorry. I just like to leave annoying comments on people’s blogs because I’m sexually impotent.

          • Not that being able to maintain an erection would do me any good. I’m am 35 years old and have never gotten to second base. I’m so sad and pathetic. I wish I was dead. Sorry again for being an asshole to you and your readers. It’s just that I’m so very desperate for attention. I suck.

  25. Wow, I finally caught up! I read 3 years of FHR in 10 months. I’m so relieved I might cry. So much homework was never completed…

    But anyway, this is awesome! I can’t believe it’s all ending so soon (though I’m sure you’re anticipating that day). Keep it up. I’ve never laughed this hard while reading. I always thought visual media was the only key to laughter but I was so wrong.

  26. Oh no…I never thought it would happen. I started from the beginning in July, and I’m finally caught up. At the risk of quoting Jersey, it’s like a bad dream.

    • Haha, pretty sure that the comment made most often on this blog is “crap, I plowed through the archives and have finally caught up, now I have to wait a whole week to get the next review!”
      Welcome to the Comments section, Doc Reventlov :)

  27. To all you fhr fanatics. Please don’t think im being creepy, bc I’ve been reading this for like 3 weeks straight and i finally caught up which makes me happy and a lil sad, well all yall know why, bc now i have to wait week for week to read this awesome shit. But, any who, back to the creepy thing, all yall same commenters or, bloggers what ever its called, that comment everyweek , i feel like i already know you guys bc one of my favorite things about this website is reading the comments. I get just as much of a laugh reading those as i do the actual full house thing. Also Billy thank you so much for doing this! Its great! Oh and thank you fhr for breaking my blogging cherry (besides last week when i FINALLY figured out how to leave a comment) this is my first blogging EVER! I don’t even have a Facebook or twittery thing. Don’t make fun please lol, So i want you to know Billy that this website is so much of the shit i actually cared to figure this smart phone shit out! Yay! But i look foward to commenting with yall and getting in on this bullshit people call full house. oh and also Bridget a lil while ago someone commented and said that you talk to much about stuff that “doesnt matter”…well i say boo to them for being so rude. Take it from some one who sat back and read all the comments, (im talking about me lol) your comments are awesome and they make the comment section more interesting. Thank you guys! I’ll join in Friday. ~Shell~

  28. My peeps, I am depressed about my anatomy grade with the cell chapters! Hopefully, I do better! I have my anatomy book and medical terminology and will study both. Not my fault I had menstrual brain and menstruation does affect the way your brain works!

    • It’s all good, Bridget. You’ll win some, and you’ll lose some, but hopefully you’ll find the other chapters easier. Just keep plugging away at it :)

  29. If Joey has a teaching certificate, how come he couldn’t teach the twins shit in that episode where Jesse was trying to homeschool them?!?

  30. The big thing I find stupid about this episode is that you don’t need a teaching license to be a substitute teacher. People who have licenses can become full-fledged teachers. Sure, some teachers who can’t get jobs become subs, but it’s not a requirement.

    So Joey didn’t need an actual license for this plot to work. And, even if he used to have one, he didn’t need to keep it up to date. All Joey really needed was some other indication that he could take care of kids, like, I don’t know, the fact that he’s been the host of two different children’s educational programs?

  31. I hate Michelle for making me want to take Joey’s side in this since I hate Joey more than I hate Michelle. Also, I have never met a kid who would be upset that they are just watching movies all day and not learning. She’s probably the only kid in the world who feels this way. And I don’t get why Joey doesn’t just date that lady. He’s never going to do better.

  32. I know its a TV show but it was too cliche “The next person who makes a peep is going to the principal’s office”. Plus no teacher would act appropriately as slamming stuff on the desk. Proves Joey is unprofessional. It’s almost like Becky and Jesse punishing the twins for the first time (the episode with the goat cheese pizza Vicky made) with the “You’re going to the room and No Dessert” Where did they get these cliched punishments from, a cartoon or a 1950′s TV show?

    Plus what Joey planned on doing as substitute. State Capitals? Long Division? Really Joey. The purpose of a substitute teacher is to pick up on the lesson where the real teacher left off, by giving the kids something related to it. Like an example would be if they were learning about Animal Habitats, you teach them about it. You do not give them something completely unrelated and different from what they were learning. Plus long division in 3rd grade?

    Then the idea of fun in the classroom. Of course being serious didn’t work for the kids and being fun didn’t work for the principal. But why couldn’t he have tried combining both. Anyone remember that cartoon “Recess” by Disney. It had an episode called “The Dude” where it involved a former student named Frank Dudicoff nicknamed “The Dude” because he had a reputation of being cool and causing trouble. He’s a student teacher, and as “Mr. Dudicoff” he gives boring lectures on Atoms, as “The Dude” he goofs around causing the kids to fail. At the end he combined the two personalties into one as “Mr. Dude” when he allows the kids to play with kickballs in the room at the same time teaching how Atoms bounce off stuff. Bottom line, much like the egg sucking thing, Joey could’ve squeezed in some fun while being a serious teacher. Hell he could’ve made up a lie that it was a warm up on a lesson about the Sun instead that crack about “spelling tag” when the principal walked in.

    • James, Joey wasn’t a very good teacher at all! He couldn’t teach Michelle the state capitals correctly if she couldn’t remember Carson City is the capital of Nevada. Joey should have read the teacher’s lesson plans and gone on from there. I remember how he and Jesse were trying to homeschool Nicky and Alex and the “2 fine educators” were passed out cold while the twins were painting their feet! If Joey can’t be conscious to teach 2 preschoolers, how the hell could he teach 8-year-olds?

  33. I’m glad it ended at this season. They kept adding awful characters way too often. That pesky booger Lisa. She annoyed the crap out of me; even when I loved this show as a kid.

    The best part now is catching all double entendre.

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