Season 6, Episode 20, “Grand Gift Auto”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle dresses one of the twins up like Jesse and the other one like Danny, plus she dresses the dog up like Joey.

Joey comes home all excited about a surprise birthday present he’s gotten for DJ.  Everyone goes out to the backyard to see what it is and discover that he got her a car.

Everyone ogles the car, including Michelle, who delivers some remarkably stilted lines that are especially conspicuous because they’re meant to convey enthusiasm.  Danny gets kind of annoyed at Joey because he wanted to be involved with the car-buying process and he begins to describe all of the anal retentive research he’d already done, including contacting Ralph Nader.  I bet that being mentioned on Full House is the #1 reason why Ralph Nader lost the 2000 presidential election.  DJ vehemently thanks Joey and then he and Danny take turns kissing her and Joey says that he loves DJ as much as if she were his own daughter, which is the saddest news I’ve ever heard about DJ.  DJ says she’s going to go inside to get her drivers license and then all the other kids follow her so the dads can have a scene with the car that may present something of a twist to the plot.

Jesse starts the car up and it begins to shoot oil out of the windshield wipers, which is a very common indication that a car might have something wrong with it.  A few seconds later a bunch of steam starts shooting out of the engine so Jesse opens up the hood and confirms that the car is all fucked up.

The only natural course of events that could possible follow such a discovery is for Jesse to fix the car real quick while Danny distracts DJ and her friends by playing songs on his guitar.

Joey does a sucky ass job of assisting Jesse while he fixes the car, which leads to several gags that are not worth mentioning.  Meanwhile, Danny continues to stall DJ by getting Michelle and the twins to perform “Pop Goes the Weasel” on some little kid instruments.  This is one of those moments where you can’t help but wonder how this is even something that was ever on tv.  It’s literally just some little kids banging on some instruments and looking confused.  It’s like being forced to watch someone’s terrible home movies, and unfortunately this is the only home movie involving Bob Saget where nobody gets hit in the nuts.

Jesse manages to finish fixing the car just as DJ and her friends lose their patience with Danny.  I have to admit, that’s pretty impressive.  I mean, let’s just be generous and say that Danny was able to stall DJ for a whole hour.  That’s still an astonishingly quick repair job on a car that was clearly totally fucked.  Anyway, just as DJ and her friends get ready to drive off, a sexy lady cop pulls in front of their car, right in the backyard.

Never before has it seemed so awkward that there’s no set for the curb in front of the house so they just use the backyard for everything.  The lady cop explains that the car is stolen and that Joey is under arrest.

The lady cop brings everyone into the full house so she can be subjected to their grating personalities for a few minutes before Joey tries to explain himself.  He tells her that he bought the car from an old lady and is unable to provide any sort of proof of ownership.  Everyone struggles to convince the lady cop that Joey is innocent and ultimately decide that the only way to do so is to expose her to what a fucking simpleton he is.

They give the lady cop a tour of Joey’s room and argue that anyone who would surround himself with so much stupid immature bullshit couldn’t possible be malicious enough to steal a car.  Michelle holds up his Ninja Turtle slippers and introduces one of them as Michelangelo even though it is clearly Leonardo.

The Ninja Turtle slippers are enough to convince the lady cop not to arrest Joey.  Can you believe that shit?  How’s she gonna explain that one down at the station?  At least she impounds DJ’s car.  After she leaves, the family all jovially discuss what a goofball idiot Joey is until sad music comes on as he says that he never realized that he was the family joke and that they were all laughing at him instead of with him.  I can’t speak for the rest of these cornballs, but I myself have never laughed at all while Joey was onscreen.  Maybe that one time when he got hit with a coconut, but that was just because he was hurt.

Joey does what any attention starved 12-year old girl would do and puts on a big show about how nobody takes him seriously and says he’s gonna go look for an apartment.  The whole family totally buys into his bullshit behavior and immediately start showering him with emotional support, which is a real textbook example of a codependent relationship.

As if this episode didn’t already stand out as one of those most slapped together messes of them all, it suddenly turns into a clips show as each of the girls reminisces about what a great presence Joey has been in their lives.

We get to revisit the first time that Joey spit all over everything, and are given a tragic reminder that Stephanie used to be a cute little kid that you didn’t want to stab.  The worst moment comes with the flashback from the episode when Joey taught Michelle how to ride a bike.  First of all, they don’t show the part where she falls into the bushes, which is the only moment in the entire series that I’d actually be happy to watch again.  To make things even worse, we have to re-watch that creepy part where she says, “uh-uh Joey, I did it with you,” sounding much like Aaron Bailey from Pet Semetary.  But that’s not even the most fucked up shit.  They freeze the image of her creepy little face and echo her voice when she says it, then they transition to a real close-up shot of Joey, which leads to the most unsightly overlay in the history of television.

Can you think of two worse faces to transition between?  Anyway, the music comes on as Joey says that he feels super shitty about buying DJ a stolen car and that he never really felt like he had a family before becoming the weird uncle of a house filled with a bunch of obnoxious pieces of shit.   Joey says that he’s going to stay and then tells everyone that he loves them, then they all writhe around in a big pile on the couch.

This one was a real garbage dump.  I guess I have to give the creators some credit for at least attempting to justify why Joey still lives in the full house, but it’s become pretty clear by now that any attempt to bring any depth or reason to his character is a real wasted effort.  This episode also had an awful lot of filler.  The car being fucked up and having to be repaired had no real bearing on the rest of the story other than to make it a few minutes longer, plus there were all those clips at the end.  I also think it’s pretty interesting that everyone in the full house seems to get a fancy red car for exactly one episode, and it always results in something bad happening.  At least DJ’s was stolen, unlike Danny, Joey and Jesse’s cars, all of which were involved in accidents.  Finally, how did the lady cop find the stolen car when it was in the back yard?


112 thoughts on “Season 6, Episode 20, “Grand Gift Auto”

    • I liked those parts, too. And way to point out the Ninja Turtles mixup, too.

      Yeah, I’ve never had any personal experience with stolen cars or police investigations, but I’m pretty sure the way this episode dealt with those issues is not how that stuff is typically done. But I realize I’m pointing out something that’s been a problem throughout this entire series, so hey.

  1. Lucky for you, I think this is the last episode centered completely around Joey. So maybe now you can rest assured that even more crap about Joey’s love life and about why he’s ‘funny’ and why he needs the Full House to be some weird surrogate family won’t be a blight on you for as long as you continue watching this show.

  2. If instead of the usual cheesy final 10 seconds they had shown Joey waking up to indicate all the previous events had just been a dream of his, this episode could have worked better explaining away the logistical and moral confusion.

    Either way Joey was quite a dim bulb for even having the thought of getting his own apartment just like Uncle Jesse was the couple of times he tried to move and the whole family except Michelle were when that rich guy wanted to buy the house in the finale of the 2nd-to-last season. No one who takes up residence at the full house ever moves out. EVER.

  3. I remember Joey had no pink slip to prove ownership of the vehicle and everyone knows you need proof of purchase whether you buy a candy bar or a real cherry car! Billy, I still think DJ is Joey’s and nothing can convince me otherwise. I think season 9 or 10 would have brought along a big reveal of DJ’s parentage and it would be like Darth Vadar telling Luke Skywalker the truth. That did bother me that Vadar knew Luke was his, but didn’t know Leia belonged to him!

  4. Every time I read these reviews I’m reminded of a quote from the criminally underrated Greg the Bunny (in the world of ‘Greg’ puppets are a minority and Greg is a bunny on a children’s show). Alison is an exec played by Sarah Silverman:

    Alison: Yeah, well, I can’t act. And I can’t sing. I–I tried to write. I-I tried writing a–a script for Full House. It was really, really horrible.
    Dottie: Well, that’s okay. Most scripts don’t get anywhere.
    Alison: No, they made it…

    Anyway, and I can’t believe I’m providing analysis about the plot of Full House, the plot makes no gorram sense. So Joey buys a stolen car that’s also a lemon? If the car is in such a state of disrepair how did Joey drive it to the Full House?

    • I had the same thought as I stared at the picture of the (seemingly) pristine car that would quickly become the shamble of automo-horrors shown shortly after.

      And then I tried to think of how such a chain of events could occur, nearly had an aneurysm and remembered I was trying to create a logical argument against a Full House plot and sighed deeply.

      I’ve stopped asking questions because the answers make me sad.

    • dammit, i had that in my notes but forgot to put it in the review! how did he drive that car back to the full house without realizing that it was all fucked up? sometimes there are so many problems with the story that certain ones get lost in the shuffle.

  5. What is it with nice cars and sitcoms? You know by the end of the episode it’ll either be stolen or wrecked. (And as a corollary to that, if a scene is shown of people driving in a car to get somewhere, the car is sure to break down, or a cop is sure to pull them over — thus detailing their plans to get wherever they’re going.)

  6. Billy Superstar, you truly outdid yourself.

    It seems like the worse the episode, the more hilarious the review. And just fyi, you started off this project a good, funny writer, and it has only improved. So this project was not for nothing.

    Seriously, that bit about the overlay between Joey and Michelle’s face had me laughing out loud, in tears.

    I am curious, though, is this line sarcastic? I can’t tell and I’m embarrassed to say that, even though I am in love with my own car, I know next to nothnig about the mechanics:

    Jesse starts the car up and it begins to shoot oil out of the windshield wipers, which is a very common indication that a car might have something wrong with it.

    This is maybe the only time that I can’t tell if you are snarking or being serious – is that really a common sign that a car is effed up?

  7. Sorry, I hate posting two comments in a row, but I forgot the point this out: when was the last time anyone mentioned Vicky?? Where the hell is she?

    I know she’s a very undeveloped character, but what this show does with her is pathetic. They basically use her as a prop: when she suits the episode’s plot, they trot her on out and present her as Danny’s serious (or at least semi-serious) girlfriend, but then they completely forget about her for several episodes and don’t even mention her.

    It seems impossible to keep track of when they are broken up vs. when they are together. Gosh, Rebecca Donaldson is the only female love interest this show treated with any respect.

  8. It ALWAYS drove me crazy that she named the Ninja Turtle slipper incorrectly. That kind of gross oversight is so typical of this terrible show.

    As always, love the blog. I look forward to this every week. I sit in my cubicle and eat a muffin and snicker. THANKS!

  9. THANKS! I now have sewn together Aaron Bailey from Full House to the monstrous kid from Pet Semetary. Life has come full circle.

  10. For the longest time, I thought that was Stefanie Powers (of Hart to Hart fame) playing the part of the police officer. Turns out it’s some actress named Sharon Barr, who also played a truck driver in an episode of Seinfeld. Oh the things I learn from your reviews, Billy. Keep up the good work.

    I also seem to remember in this episode a scene where Joey and Jesse were working on the car and Jesse asked Joey to hand him a socket wrench. Joey, being the useless piece of shit that he is, couldn’t find it so Comet the dog had to point it out for him. Completely useless.

  11. How are we supposed to believe Joey can even afford this car? Is he still working as a DJ at this point? I can never remember. And as if Danny would just settle for this. He is always having suck attacks when he feels upstaged. And does DJ even work? Who is paying for the insurance? I think this is the worst episode yet.

    • Danny will pay for insurance and maintenance just like nowadays where parents buy their kids cars for their 16th birthday then pay for all expenses related to said car.

    • I always assumed that since Joey was a POS moocher and didn’t have to pay rent that he has quite a bit of cash saved up from his various jobs.

      • yeah, considering that he hasn’t paid rent in 6 years and has hosted a children’s show, among other jobs he’s had, he’s probably been sitting on a big pile of cash

  12. What if Joey did steal the car and the whole family was in on it, and they set up all that kid stuff to make it look like he was a kid and couldn’t steal the car? Not a very good cop

  13. For all the hilarity in each of these reviews, there’s always a single line that is such beautiful comic simplicity that I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing at my desk. This week’s, the matter-of-fact:

    “This one was a real garbage dump.”

    Thank you for that!

  14. This one had me laughing from beginning to end. I think what always has me laughing the hardest are your simple jokes. “This one was a real garbage dump”. LMAO. I am so grateful for this blog, and I truly appreciated your wit. Thanks Billy Superstar!

  15. Here’s the thing that gets me: in another life, on another show, played by someone else, the character of Joey is a fascinating one. Dude grows up as an Army brat, but feels unloved by his father. To cover the pain of feeling unloved, he turns to comedy and becomes a stand-up comedian, a ventriloquist on a kids’ show, a jingle-writer, and a radio DJ. He finally finds the love he never experienced from his father with a friend’s family, thereby proving that family isn’t necessarily the people to whom you are related, but the people who chose to love. In anyone else’s hands, this character might have been gold. But this is fucking Full House :P

    • Wow, the character you described could almost be empathetic.

      Unfortunately, they ruined Joey by making him creepy, unable to support himself, painfully unfunny with his “comedy”, and often offensive with his spitting in people’s faces and horrible impressions.

      Same thing applies to Michelle. If she weren’t so bratty and unlikeable, she would be interesting: a young girl who has never had any type of maternal figure in her life, whose dad and uncles tried to compensate for that by showering her with unhealthy amounts of attention and putting her on this pedastal. Although one may think that DJ and Stephanie have it rough by always taking the blame for Michelle and getting less attention than she does, I actually think its worse to be in Michelle’s shoes. Danny, Jesse and Joey set standards for her that she cannot possibly live up to and convince her that she deserves to be put above everyone else. For children like that, when the day comes when someone tells them “no” whether it be a family member or an outsider….all hell breaks lose.

      • I seriously doubt that the creators even conceived these characters as well as you’ve described them.

        This show leaves you so wanting for character detail that your desperately under-stimulated minds have crafted vast and detailed dynamics to make up for such offensively poor show development.

        • LOL true.

          This is probably how the character development process went down:

          Writer #1 : And I’m thinking the youngest daughter can be named Michelle.

          Writer # 2: Love it! So what’s Michelle’s story? Remember, we can only give her four personality traits, five max.

          Writer # 1: I know, I know, don’t worry. Okay, the first one will be….. ooh, let’s give her an affinity for shoving junk food in her face.

          Writer # 3: With her hands! The audience will go ape shit! It does’t get much cuter than that!

          Writer # 2: Done. When she can actually talk, we should really give her dialogue that stands out, that grabs the audience’s attention. My best friends young daughter always used to stick her thumb up and say “You got it, dude!” whenever she agreed with something —

          (Writers # 1 and # 3 start laughing hysterically)

          Writer # 1: Hahahahahah. Hahhahah. Okay, we gotta get that shit in at least eighty episodes, that is too funny!

          Writer # 3: Okay, focus. So far we got, shoves junk food in her face, says “You got it dude” a lot….. Michelle’s coming along pretty well. Maybe we could give her a puppet ….

          Writer # 1: No, fuckhead, we are already planning on giving Joey a puppet in Season 5! Mr. Woodchop, or something? That’s comedy gold right do, we don’t wanna overdo it or anything ….

          Writer # 3: Yeah, subtlety is what we do best.

          Writer # 2: So what’s another third personality trait? She’s a little girl on a TV show, so we could go one of two ways with her: We coud make her endearingly precocious —

          Writer # 3: What the fuck does “precocious” mean?

          Writer # 2: It’s a word I heard my wife use last week. I got that it means, you know, very mature and wise at a young age. Think, Rudy Huxtable.

          Writer # 1: Rudy Huxtable? Hey, I’m fuckin 32 and I’ve already moved out of my parent’s place. So I’m precocious, that’s a much better example.

          Writer # 2: Whatever. So anyway, we can either make Michelle overly precocious, which audiences seem to eat right up, or we can make her ….. kind of like a demon child whose evil waysfly right over Bob Saget’s head. Either will work, either way, this kid is going to steal the damn show. What do you think, precocious child or demon child?

          Writers # 1 and # 3 in unison: DEMON CHILD DEMON CHILD!

          Writer # 1: There we have it. Michelle will shove food in her face with her bare hands, she will say “you got it dude” and…… she will be evil.

          Writer # 3: I’m just a little concerned. Jodi Sweetin is pretty cute and charasmatic, you guys —

          Writer # 1: Charasmatic? What do you think I am, a human dictionary??? Speak in English, please.

          Writer # 3: I’m pretty sure “charasmatic” means “charming”. Jodi is a pretty charming kid, and the test audience loves her. How can we make sure Michelle is the one who steals the show??

          Writer # 2: That’s a good point. Um….well, it’s fine ifthe audience likes Stephanie for now. Michelle’s the baby and can’t really talk or anything yet. In a couple of seasons we’ll turn Steph into an annoying moron, don’t worry. The audience won’t love her for long.

          Writer # 1: What about DJ? Candace is so excited she got this part, and the girl’s a pretty good actress.

          Writer # 3: DJ’s old. She got nothin’ on those Olsen twins.

          Writer # 1: Well, Candace is pretty good young actr…

          Writer # 3: Who cares if she’s a good actress? The Olsen twins will be good actresses! Did you not hear – you got it dude? And the eating food with hands? If that’s doesn’t work their acting chops to the bone, I don’t know what will.

          Writer # 2: Okay guys, whatever. So Michelle’s character is done. Now we got to decide on Jesse’s last name.”

          Writer # 1: Well, John is of Greek heritage and has requested that his character be, too. I wasn’t sure, because he already has four personality traits –

          Writer 3: Five! Don’t forget about the fried chicken we’ve been incorporating into the episodes.

          Writer # 1: Okay, he has five personality traits. I don’t want to develop him too much more.

          Writer # 2: Eeh, John feels pretty strongly about this. Don’t worry, we just won’t mention his Greek heritage much, only when the plot requires it.

          Writer # 1: Ummm…… fine, I guess. So, we need a Greek last name then, to keep the realistic nature of Full House.

          Writer # 3: Right. So, the most Greek last name I can think of….Cochran?

          Writer # 2: Loving it, loving it!

          Writer # 1: I don’t know, is that Greek?

          Writer # 3: It’s as Greek as Joey is hilarious.

          Writer # 1: Well, then….you got it, dude.

          (Hysterical laughter erupts)

          • You know what’s sad? That you put more thought into a story about the writers than the writers probably ever put into the show itself.

            This was brilliant!

          • LOL – thanks for that. You should have been a writer on this show!

            If you’ve ever seen the Showtime show Episodes, this is how a lot of the production staff react to the stuff the two main characters write (which is usually good and intelligent, then it gets hacked apart by the production staff)

      • I’ve been thinking the show could actually play out quite darkly if the producers actually cared about quality instead of churning out product for children.

        It’s funny, though: one of the season 6 writers wrote for Arrested Development, and next season is when Carolyn Omine joined the writing staff (later to write for Simpsons, although after the golden age). One of the other season 7 hires is the guy who wrote the script for the episode where Bart and Lisa write Itchy & Scratchy and put Grampa’s name on it. I have to wonder if the writers were kept on a tight leash by the Miller-Boyett factory.

  16. plus she dresses the dog up like Joey

    Possibly the most cognizant think Michelle has ever done…

    Never before has it seemed so awkward that there’s no set for the curb in front of the house so they just use the backyard for everything.

    The grass back there has gotta be all torn up, the way the full house members keep driving cars over it. They’re as disrespectful of grass as they are other people.

    That’s still an astonishingly quick repair job on a car that was clearly totally fucked.

    I was thinking the same thing…

    Everyone struggles to convince the lady cop that Joey is innocent and ultimately decide that the only way to do so is to expose her to what a fucking simpleton he is.

    Which isn’t really the way the legal system works. I mean, he’s not on trial (yet). If she thinks he stole the car, it doesn’t matter what a simpleton he is. Arrest him, then let the courts figure out the real story.

    Michelle holds up his Ninja Turtle slippers and introduces one of them as Michelangelo even though it is clearly Leonardo.

    Jesus Christ, Michelle, can’t you get ANYTHING right?!?

    and says he’s gonna go look for an apartment

    They should all be so lucky…

    then they all writhe around in a big pile on the couch.

    I’d writhe around with Aunt Becky on a couch, knowhatI’msayin’? ;)

    • Michelle dressing the dog up like Joey – it’s really an insult to Comet rather than Joey. As another commentor pointed out – the dog had more intelligence and was able to pick out a socket wrench while Joey was clueless. Hell, I’ve probably never used a socket wrench personally, but I could still pick one out. It’s just called being slightly aware – something Joey is painfully not.

      • This made me think back to the “Secret Admirer” episode when all the characters had voiceovers of their thoughts. Comet got the line, “Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger,” in a dopey voice done by none other than Dave Coulier.

        I’d like to think that that was simply Joey projecting his idiocy onto the dog. If we’d heard Comet’s true thoughts, he would have waxed poetic about his struggle to hold fast to his sanity as his soul is driven to eternal torment by the full house…

  17. This “Joey buys DJ a car” storyline got me thinking about the dynamic between that characters of DJ and Joey.

    If you think about it, there is very, very little interaction between the two of them at this point in the series. Seriously, what scenes are they ever in together, at least where a conversation between the two of them is the focus? There was an episode several seasons ago (season 2 I think) that highlighted their relationship and how it was impacted when Joey had to put his foot down and punish her. But she was much younger then.

    There seems to be a lot of interaction between Michelle and Jesse (with all of the kissing nonsense) and Michelle and Joey, and a pretty good amount between Stephanie and all of the “dads”, and a lot between all three girls and Danny. But DJ and Joey? Hardly anything.

    I honestly wonder if Candance Cameron requested this, since she was old enough by then to realize that the Joey character is horrifying creepy at best, as is the fact that he still lives with all of them in the full house. Or maybe the writers were actually insightful enough to recognize that the scenario was already a bit unsettling for some, so they best not show that weird man-child hanging out with a pretty, postpubescent young woman.

    I feel very bad for DJ when I think about this. She is supposed to be about 16 at this time. When I was in my mid-teens, if a wifeless, childless man in his late thirties who was not a family member was living in my house and sleeping on the same floor as I was ….. I would have been too skeeved out to sleep at night. And I sure as hell wouldn’t have ever wanted to interact with him.

    • Not quite the same thing – but when I was 15 my parents divorced and right away my mom ends up meeting and shacking up with (and within a couple of MONTHS, marrying) this guy who was in his 20s. I think he was 24 or so.

      I remember my dad (who I lived with) being very uncomfortable about me spending the night with my mom for the sheer fact that this dude might have taken a shine to my 15 year old self. I looked older than 15 – already had a decent set of hooters by then.

      Fortunately, nothing untoward ever happened in the 7 years my mom was married to him. And of course, not all men are going to try and molest teenage girls just because of proximity. But still – if someone is shown to clearly have major personality issues – why are you (Danny Tanner) not at all concerned about your daughters’ safety?

      Hell, my uncle (by marriage, not blood) seriously creeped me out when I was over 18. I swear he was trying to get me drunk when out on his boat one summer. Again he didn’t actually DO anything, but the comments he made and his demeanor made me highly uncomfortable. I made sure to never be in a situation like that with him ever again.

      All that to say – even a man who should be feeling paternal (ie knew the girl as a baby and seen her grow up, like my uncle had with me) can be a real creep. And again maybe he’d never actually do anything, but why take chances if you don’t have to?

      • Wow, those are quite interesting experiences you have had Stacy! Thanks for sharing and supporting my viewpoint:-)

        To be clear, I certainly don’t think an adult male living with a teenage young woman would necessarily be creepy in every single circumstance. For example, suppose I were 15 or 16 and we had a unmarried male family friend with a normal, likeable personality, who was in his thirties or fourties and needed to live with us temporarily due to financial problems. I probably would have been fine with that, at least in a short-term situation. I wouldn’t have wanted it to continue for a long time, but it would have been okay.

        The reasons the Full House situation is deeply unsettling are:

        1. Joey has no financial or health-related need to be living there with them – he just WANTS to
        2. Joey lives his life rather like a loner, in that he doesn’t seem to have friends or anyone to socialize with outside of the full house, he never has long lasting romantic relationships, and he never seems to have any social engagement to attend or anything remarkable going on in his life.
        3. His interests, hobbies and behaviors are inarguably bizarre for an adult male – watching cartoons, wearing Scooby Doo clothing, spitting in everyone’s face, subjecting everyone to his terrible impressions all of the time

        So in that situation, Joey living in the same house as a teenage girl is very, very disturbing. And, in most circumstances, no matter who the adult male was, I would not be very comfortable with that living situation for myself or for my daughter.

        • Agreed – I don’t think all men living near/around an unrelated teenage girl is going to be a creep about it. I’d feel safe in assuming the MAJORITY of men wouldn’t be all creeper around their friend’s teenage daughter and take advantage of being under the same roof. I really think the creeper thing is not a pervasive as people think it is. When it happens it is talked about a lot so it seems more prevalent. Also it’s a go to plot in movies and tv which causes the paranoia/feeling that it happens more than it actually does.

          Of course, on the flip side is that the majority of child molesters are not strangers to the kid – but a family member or family friend. Not sure how much that is geared for young children vs post pubescent/teenage children as far the risks go.

          And I agree with your assessment – Joey exhibits the “creeper” potential. He’s pathologically lonely – so much so I could see how he’d one day misconstrue an innocent gesture from DJ (or Stephanie later) as an “invitation”.

          Ok, I’ve been thinking about this WAY too much.

          • Luna, no need to call us assholes.

            Full House is very mind-numbing and it tries to dumb us down. We can look a little deeper if we wish LOL.

          • Glad you liked it, Billy.

            lovetolaugh – agreed! I guess for some people actually THINKING rather than just being complacent to the shit shoveled at us from shows like these equals being an asshole. If that’s the case, I’m happy to be an asshole.

          • How do you figure that? First of all, Joeys salary is never pointed out to us, so no one can say for sure whether he could support himself. But he’s been working regularly for years at this point and doesn’t seem to pay rent or anything — why wouldn’t he able able to support himself? It’s not like he has a family.

  18. I really can’t vouch for how creepy my male relatives are, but I remember a commercial with a teenage girl named Becky and her Uncle Steve. He was living with the family and one morning he put her white bathrobe with her name on it on himself and that creeped her out because he seemed kind of sleazy! It was a commercial for Clorox bleach.

  19. Oh my God! What alternate hell reality do these idiots live in where they think it’s perfectly reasonable to have to stall DJ with stupid baby music instead of just flat out telling her to wait because Jesse needs to look over the car first? Did they think DJ was going to have full blown period-fueled bitch-fest just because her car needed repair before she could drive it? To top it off, just when you think the episode can’t get stupider, the cop pulls into the back freaking yard!

    Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t this also the same episode that featured the family in Brady Bunch-style credits?

  20. Billy and the other comments pretty much said everything there is to say about this episode: it’s shit.

    So, I have a random question about something that just popped into my head today. It’s one of the extremely few specific moments I remember about this show, even though I’m pretty sure I’ve seem most of the episodes.

    There is an episode where all of the men insist that they know all the words to the Threes company intro, but none of them actually do, and they all finish the song the same way: “and the thing, and the thing, and the thing, Three’s Company too”.

    Does anyone know if that hasn’t happened yet in the series, or Billy, do you remember that and just not describe it? I know we’re not supposed to give spoilers in the comments, but it’s such a minor and stupid detail, that if figure revealing it is harmless enough.

    • That’s later, probably next season. It’s when the twins can talk and they play a bigger role in the series. Which, by the way, is when shit gets real. You think the episodes are bad now? Just WAIT until next season….barf!

      • That’s the episode where Michelle brings home a donkey! It’s Season 8. Easily one of the worst episodes of the series.

        • I agree the episode with Michelle and Shorty the donkey is bad and the one line I liked was when their female neighbor yelled, “Whatever that is, I’m gonna shoot it!”

          • A donkey?? I don’t know if I (thankfully) missed that episode as a kid, or if my mind has blocked it from memory, but i have no recollection of that episode. I am now really, really excited for Billy’s review of it though!

    • Thanks, everyone!

      Now I have to go kill myself. Like, the only thing I remember from Full House is one of the most asinine moments of one of the worst episodes.

      I guess I should just feel blessed that I was able to block out so much of this rancid shitcom. But that this is one of the extremely few things that lingered is shameful.

    • Uncle Jesse trying to remember the words…

      “There’s the thing and then the thing and the thing, Three’s Company too!”

  21. I forgot to mention that lady cop was in an episode of Cheers where she wanted to screw Norm, which is slightly less revolting than wanting to screw Joey Gladstone.

  22. “Look, Officer! Could a man who wears New Kids on the Block underwear really be capable of–

    –wait, actually, this is a drawer full of my daughters’ panties…”

  23. I have seen this episode at least thirty times in the past twenty years; I am ASTONISHED to admit I never observed the Hartford Whalers pennant in Joey’s room! GO WHALERS!!!!

  24. Doesn’t Joey also mention he bought the “stolen” car from a sweet old lady? Man they should have had a whole episode dedicated to the little old lady car thief. She could infiltrate the full house and just fuck up everyone’s shit!

  25. I feel about your blog the way you feel about full house- it’s pathetic and horrible but I can’t stop myself from reading it. Do u really not have a life other than putting down classic family shows that some people grew up watching. I think that Full House is a great show that taught me a lot. You seriously have to grow up dude.

    • you should write a blog called “full house reviewed reviewed” where you meticulously break down each of my reviews and why it means that i’m dumb and have no life. that’d show me.

      • Pathetic? Horrible?

        I have to admit, Billy, my brother did yell at me the other day for introducing himto his blog.

        But guess what? It was only because he got yelled out for laughing out loud so often at work when reading it. Not because it is horrible, in fact the word my brother used was “amazing”.

        Liki if you think Full House is a great show, that is perfectly fair and that is your opinion. But other people are welcome to disagree. Many, many, many people get great enjoyment and amusement out of this blog and really appreciate it.

        No need to be so offended by it.

          • I agree with Liki. I learned a ton for this show. Like if you buddy up with a local celebrity and play your cards right, you can just move in with him and mooch off of him forever. No need for a job! Or if you look like an ugly troll child, you can demand to get your way no matter what. You’ll be rewarded with lots of kisses and being told you’re a princess.

            Sarcasm aside, what did you learn from this show? I loved FH as a kid, but I understood it wasn’t an accurate depiction of reality. and please, Billy, I beg you. Don’t “get a life” or “grow up” I enjoy your blog way too much :)

  26. I am glad we’re up to 73 comments for Season 6. I read it as Season 6, 66 comments as the three 6’s of the Antichrist. However I do think if someone cut an area of Michelle’s hair they would find three 6’s on the bald spot like in 1976 “Omen” and 2006 “Omen.”

  27. I like how all these episodes that revolve around a character realizing how ridiculously messed up they are never result in ANY actual self-realization or personal growth. They always end up with the character getting all mopey and manipulative until everyone else showers them with praise. Just like the one where Danny overhears them talking about what a cleaning nazi he is.

  28. I also just noticed that the teaser in this episode is actually connected to the plot, as Michelle dresses the DOG as JOEY. Michelle actually did something right.

  29. I remember Danny singing “Pop Goes the Weasel” to stop DJ and her friends from driving the car until it was fixes. He didn’t know what a mulberry bush was and I used to pluck the mulberries from the trees in my old yard as a kid and eat them like M & Ms. Billy, have a couple shots before you write the Disney review because Michelle’s behavior is gonna make you crazy mad!

  30. “Michelle dresses one of the twins up like Jesse and the other one like Danny, plus she dresses the dog up like Joey.”

    Pretty sure that’s just Danny, Jesse, and Joey.

    And another Joey.

    And Michelle.


    • Keep in mind that this is a For-Entertainment-Purposes Full House-Bashing Blogs. Anyone can like and/or love this blog, even superhaters and superfans of the show.

      I think “Full House” is a good show compared to today’s shows (especially Disney Channel’s). That being said, the show did have a whole bunch of flaws (i.e. Danny’s over-obsessive cleaning tendencies, Becky’s inherited craziness, Joey’s lack-of-at-least-a-part-time-job, Michelle’s über-spoiledness, a bunch of characters coming-and-going without a proper introduction and/or explanation, über-corny lines/musical cues, etc).

      Also, most people who do go on entertainment blogs like this one do have lives. My life hasn’t been particularly great and to put it in simple terms, lately I’ve been battling with my suicidal thoughts and these past few months it seems like everyday’s a constant battle with myself.

      People don’t have it easy all of the time. I know I don’t. Whenever I feel really depressed, I go to Billy’s Full House Reviewed blog. This blog has definitely made me see things, in “Full House” and in life in general, in a much clearer perspective.

      Thank You So Much, Billy Superstar. Even though this very imperfect show is slightly in better taste than most of TV’s shows these days, you’ve provided me with funnier and clearer insights about “Full House” and Life.

      Also, my favorite part of this particular blog entry is when you showed that hilariously awkward photo of Joey & Michelle. It really looks like Joey was reminiscing about a girl he liked when he was little!

      Keep Up The Great Work, Billy & Thank You :))!


      • a couple of things: first of all, i’m genuinely not sure if “your jerks” comment is a joke or not. it seems like it must be. either way, i’m always intrigued by how the level of anger that actual full house fans feel towards this blog seems to directly coincide with their inability or spell or write in complete sentences.

        i also wanted to thank you, propanehead, for your generous comment. i started this blog as a simple writing exercise and over time it’s come to mean quite a bit more to me than that for me. the fact that someone who is having trouble in their life could read it and find any sort of relief makes me feel like i’m actually doing this for a reason. obviously i’m not doing something just and noble by shitting on a crappy sitcom but i’ve always written it with people who are killing time at work in mind (i was one of those people a few years back, which was a big part of what motivated me to start this project in the first place) and have hoped that i was at least providing them some sort of relief. i’ve never thought about it as something that could be helpful to someone who’s coping with depression and i’m very glad and actually sort of proud to know that it’s done that, too.

        for what it’s worth, i hope that you can get through this hard time and come out stronger because of it. i myself have had real ups and downs in life and have tried hard to be an active person and work through the bad times. some pretty shitty stuff happened to me last year and i actually sort of used writing this blog as one of my methods of staying active and structured. staying motivated and seeking out positive change made those shitty times very short lived and these days i’m feeling better than i have in years and years. i hope you can find a similar experience for yourself.

        all the best to you. know that i’ll keep you in mind as i continue to rag on this dumb ass program and that knowing that it’s helping even one person in a meaningful way brings me a lot of joy.

  32. When joey says “i thought everyone was laughing with me Now I realize u wer all laughing at me”, I was dying for Michelle to thro in one of her snide bitchy shit-headed “Duh!” Now that woulda been funny Kick Joey while he’s down! I also liked wen Jesse said he was gonna shove a tool up his nose-although I could’ve thought of a few better places! Billy You Are the Man God Bless You for going thru this self inflicted pain for our pleasure : )

  33. There is so much wrong with this episode! Okay, first of all, how did Joey get the car home? I’m assuming her drove it there, right? If he drove it, wouldn’t all those problems be apparent as he was frigging driving it? No? It waited until it was safely parked in the backyard to crap out? I don’t know of any car that does that!

    Secondly, okay, he has no pink slip or proof of ownership and can’t give any details on who exactly he bought the car from. So how does the cop know where to find him, the supposed thief? The backyard isn’t visible from the street, so clearly the officer can’t see the stolen car from the road just driving by. It’s like she would have to be staking out either the person he bought the car from, or staking out Joey himself for some reason (which frankly, wouldn’t surprise me any). And in either of those scenarios, she would’ve nabbed them right away, not wait until like an hour later after Jesse does his pseudo-repair work on the vehicle and all that.

    Third, if Jesse is so good at fixing up cars, why has he never bothered to pursue a job as a mechanic? They showed him as an exterminator way back when for some indiscernible reason, I always wondered why he wasn’t a mechanic?

    Lastly, at this point, supposedly Danny still has his car somewhere, and don’t Joey and Jesse both have vehicles somewhere too? They can’t fit ALL of them in the backyard, so where are they keeping them? I don’t know, I’ve been in big cities, and seems to me if they lived somewhere with limited parking on the streets, the neighbors might get pissed about the Tanners and all their vehicles taking up all the spots on the street!

  34. LMFAO at the overlay comment with Joey and Michelle’s face’s and michelle’s stupid voice echoing.

  35. I’ve been reading FHR forever. I love it. I was reading weekly, took a break and have been binging. The last 10 or so reviews feel like episodes I’m pretty familiar with… maybe even seen more than once… I think I watched it at 6pm ET a few times a week for like a year.

    I just have to say this… believe it or not… I’ve had an epiphany.

    Full House made me a slightly worse kid. Not terrible… but reading this episode made me remember feelings of resentment that I didn’t automatically get stuff like cars and trips for my birthday… it made me think things should just work themselves out with no effort on my part… it made me think being a little sassy and shitty and attention grabbing is what normal kids did and my parents were weird for gently frowning upon it.

    I just got this trance-like wave of flashbacks when I saw those girls and steve moping around a guitar as everyone in their lives bent over backwards to help them go on a stupid teenybopping joy-roll to the 7-11 or some shit.

    I’m also still laughing about the Fierstein line like 6 reviews ago…

    thanks for the project.

    • Indeed! My own sister had a shit fit when she didn’t get a car for her birthday…
      Ah yes, Full House taught us youngins’ all about the joys of materialism, and how to act like a little shit to get the goods.

  36. Sighs what were we thinking when we watched this shit as kids? Smh .

    Great job Billy this site continues too be hilarious and informative of the suckage that is Fullhouse.

  37. Oh my gosh, this was the most ridiculous episode EVER. It takes a special kind of idiot to buy a car without proof, and Joey is that special kind of idiot. And that is not even close to how investigations of stolen cars work. And I still don’t understand how that cop got into the backyard because based on the exterior shots of the house, there’s no way to get back there. She must have jumped off a ramp or something lol.

  38. OK, first thing, is it just me or is one of those Ninja Turtles slippers missing its head? Or are they supposed to be like that? I had ones that looked EXACTLY like Joey’s (except in a smaller size) as a kid, and both slippers had their heads.

    Also…holy fucknuts, they made those in adult sizes? Because I fucking want a pair!

    Alright, so as for the episode itself: Fuck those people for trying to convince Joey to stay! What the hell does he contribute to the family other than shitty impersonations and spitting on everything and everybody? I’m sorry, but they should have let that fuckwad continue to feel unloved and unwanted.

  39. This episode was a whole bowl full of wrong. I watched it when it first aired in early 1993, around Easter. This shit made me so mad, that I slammed fistfuls of jelly beans against the freshly painted walls of my new house and could barely restrain myself from throwing my TV through the window.

    The repressed memories are flooding back and I kinda want to throw my TV/monitor through the window right now. But you know what would be even better?

    Buying a TV at Goodwill that’s just like the Tanners’ (only?) TV, drawing Michelle and Uncle Joey’s faces on the screen, then dragging it out to the woods and pumping it full of lead.

    Maybe then, this can all be put to rest, coinciding with the end of this blog.

    Best of wishes to Billy Superstar in overcoming the PTSD that will manifest itself in 20 years, and many thanks for having put yourself through so much soul-sucking torture so there can be a little joy for the rest of us.

  40. I think the only reason they made this episode was to answer the question: Why is Joey still there? In the beginning it was kind of understandable, and Danny asked him to come for a few months. But now it’s six years later. The same can be said about Jesse but at least he is married with kids. It’s odd they are living in the attic, but it’s still not as bad as Joey. He is a single man who lives with three growing girls, one who is a teenager and the other will be one soon. He plays with toys and has the mind of a child. It’s kind of creepy. He’s in his 30s, his roommate days are over now. And the way this episode ended, it seems to be implying that he never plans to leave because he has found family. I guess because he can’t find a woman, and make his own babies he has to live parenthood through Danny’s kids and Jesse’s kids. The man is pathetic, and a burden to society.

  41. I’ve been waiting for that green and white furniture (first screenshot) to show up. My sisters and I had that furniture at the time, and it stuck around as it was very durable. When I went to an apartment for college those were the only bureaus I could take, and I was so angry because they were so dated and the colors were so ugly! My solution was to paint the drawer fronts cherry red. Now I actually like them and I still have them.

  42. Now, the writers have phoned it in.

    Obviously, Joseph wanted to steal the car and have it impounded because he wanted to get back at Gloria for years of his life that had put on hold.

    Why does this family need to make things more complicated than need be?

  43. And hats off to Jesse for contributing to the sexist society of ours with the way he treated that lady officer.

    Suffragette City!!!

  44. A man with that many toys in his bedroom is either one of two things: a simpleton or your friendly neighborhood pedophile.

  45. Did anyone notice the pictures in the background? When DJ and Steph are telling their loving “Joey” stories…there’s a picture in the background that looks suspiciously like child porn! Creepy

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