As was conveniently established last episode, Jesse is a super shitty dancer, so he has to take lessons in order to perform in the upcoming music video for “Forever.” The guys at his record label come by the full house to teach him some moves, and also to play him the rap version of “Forever” that they’ll be using for the video. Jesse is dismayed by this news, but has little time to speak out about it before beginning a crash course in doing the running man.
Remember that dance? That shit was everywhere in the early 90′s. Even Stephanie and Aunt Becky were bustin’ it out!
Meanwhile, Michelle starts a lemonade stand so she can buy herself an ant farm. Also, Kimmie Gibbler says that she’s not going to be able to go to Spain with DJ for the Summer if she fails her Spanish class so DJ agrees to help her study.
Oh my god, how can I possibly describe the filming of the “Forever” music video? For once, Full House is being terrible on purpose. It features what the record label guy refers to as an “Arabian genie thing,” and yet somehow it is a rap video. So this is Full House’s rendition of a rap song, but it’s also a cover of a shitty Beach Boys song. To top it all off, the filming goes about as well as any given episode of Wake Up, San Francisco, and by that I of course mean that it’s a fucking disaster. Oh, also, there’s a break-down where everybody does, “the Jess-Man.”
After Jesse fucks up a whole bunch of choreography that wouldn’t have been that impressive even if he’d done it right, the director becomes exasperated and tells Jesse that he sucks. To be fair, Jesse was pretty upfront about how shitty he was going to be at dancing and it’s really their own fault for not listening. Anyway, Jesse decides that if he wants to make a terrible music video for his shitty rendition of a Beach Boys song that nobody even liked in the first place, he’s gonna do it on his own terms, so he tells the guys at the record label to go fuck themselves and storms off the set.
As DJ coaxes Kimmie Gibbler through a late-night Spanish tutorial, Kimmie Gibbler becomes exhausted and makes the request, “el sleepo, bego-o please-o,” which reminds me of a lot of other similar jokes about the Spanish language that have been sprinkled throughout the series. Why is saying “el” and then words in english with an “o” at the end of them supposed to be such a funny rendition of Spanish? At least they didn’t mention the fast food chain El Pollo Loco this time. Anyway, Danny knocks on the door because I guess he checks on DJ at midnight all the time and then the girls scramble to hide the fact that they’re up late studying even though that’s the squarest thing to cover up that I can even imagine. Kimmie Gibbler hides under DJ’s covers while DJ hides in the closet and then Danny comes in and wants to kiss and talk about studying. I don’t know, you guys. All this kissing in the full house is starting to get pretty unsettling. It’s bad enough to watch the Olsen Twins kiss John Stamos on the mouth fifty times every episode, but now we’ve got Danny coming into DJ’s room in the middle of the night and sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to score smooches. Deeply unsettling.
Anyway, Danny figures out that it’s Kimmie Gibbler hiding in DJ’s bed because of her stinky feet but then he doesn’t even really give a shit.
Michelle hustles enough lemonade stand money out of Joey to buy her stupid ant farm. Just then, Jesse and Becky come downstairs as Jesse makes a big statement about how he’s going to do the Arabian genie themed music video under the unlikely pretense that he actually gives a shit about providing for his wife and family. Michelle offers him her ant farm money so he can start his own record label and the audience members are all deeply touched. Jesse himself is so touched that he gives her a big kiss, right on the mouth.
The guy from the record label comes over and tries to make Jesse grovel to get his old deal back but then Jesse is inspired by Michelle’s ant farm money offer to make a false claim that he’s been offered a better deal. The record label guy, like all business professionals, is easily fooled by this flimsy ruse and jumps at the opportunity to accept any conditions Jesse presents. After the record label guy agrees to record the song and shoot the video however Jesse wants, Jesse celebrates by kissing Michelle on the mouth some more. I’m not even kidding.
Some time later, Kimmie Gibbler comes over to let everyone in the full house know that she passed her Spanish class so she’ll be going to Spain with DJ for the Summer after all. Jesse comes downstairs and summons everyone to the living room so they can see him on MTV. You see, kids, back in the early 90′s, MTV showed music videos all the time.
During his pre-recorded interview with Martha Quinn, Jesse rambles about how bad his gas gets when he’s nervous and then he gives shout-outs to everyone in the full house. He eventually pulls photos of his babies out of his wallet to ensure that this really is the worst tv interview of all time, even by Wake Up, San Francisco standards, but then something even worse happens. This is it, you guys. The music video for “Forever.”
HOLY. FUCK. How am I ever going to describe this video? First of all, it seems to be filmed at that same little house or church or whatever in the desert that like ten million early 90′s music videos were filmed in. You know, the one with all the candles inside? The video also uses many tropes that you may be familiar with, like tilted camera angles, abrupt zoom-ins, and some really sexy fade-aways.
So the video opens with Uncle Jesse waking up naked in a bed outside, then he jams on his guitar inside for a little while, then there’s this deeply troubling shot of his babies looking pretty upset.
Why would they use a shot where the babies looked so upset? It’s in slow motion, too! But I guess that even if they weren’t wearing such perturbed expressions, this abrupt shot of them floating in the sky after a bunch of sexy naked Uncle Jesse shots would be pretty confusing. Is it like, “this is what happens after you get naked in a bed with Uncle Jesse,”?
There’s really not a lot of variety in this video. There are a bunch of grainy black-and-white shots of Jesse being all casual on the set and then there’s an awful lot of footage of him holding those babies, often while naked and/or shooting sexy glances. I can’t think of a single other music video that fetishes being a new dad like this one does. There isn’t even one woman in the whole video. There is, however, an alluring shot of Jesse and the babies’ feet.
There are also some shots of the Beach Boys recording vocals in the studio with Jesse, some nice views of the choir, and a really great close up on one of the babies’ naked ass.
After the video’s over, Jesse says, “that was the greatest 2 and a half minutes I’ve ever experienced in my life,” and then Becky gets all pissed, which is a pretty revealing moment about their sex life if you ask me. I can’t say I’m surprised, though. Anyway, Jesse gives everyone in the full house a copy of his new cd and then, that’s it. I made it through Season 5! Holy shit, what a train wreck! See you guys next week for Season 5 reviewed, then it’s on to Season 6.
But I guess that even if they weren’t wearing such perturbed expressions, this abrupt shot of them floating in the sky after a bunch of sexy naked Uncle Jesse shots would be pretty confusing. Is it like, “this is what happens after you get naked in a bed with Uncle Jesse,”?
So was this a music video or a PSA? Those babies are ugly.
I am not a huge Whitney Houston fan, btw loved her rendition of “The Little Drummer Boy” on SNL, but the poor lady would be flipping in her grave when she hears Stephanie butcher “The Greatest Love.”. I could go on with my life without seeing 2 naked babies in a music video and all the kissing crosses the threshold from innocence to downright creepiness. I wouldn’t want a grown man constantly kissing my 5 year old daughter on the mouth like that if I had a kid. Kiss Michelle on the forehead and hug her instead of the copious kissing! No wonder Becky was jealous!
“the girls scramble to hide the fact that they’re up late studying even though that’s the squarest thing to cover up that I can even imagine”
I always wondered why they went to great lengths to try to cover this up. In a later season, they do the same thing to cover up the fact that Kimmy is drunk but studying late, even at Full House standards, thats pretty lame.
I wish people hadn’t so adamantly spoiled this episode for the past 5 seasons, but it seems you got the full effect of horror anyway. Probably the worst 2.5 minutes in the history of television.
I am lookin forward to season 6. It’s a lot of good, snarky fun.
i’m gonna have to agree with you there. i’d actually never seen this episode before but by the time i had, i’d already read descriptions of every detail in the comments section. it was the first time i felt like i was kind of going through the motions, or writing what people expected me to. it’s cool that it was so anticipated and everything but, yeah, i don’t think it’s great for the blog when people describe stuff that’s coming up. sometimes people go, “oh, this episode! that means next week’s the episode where blah blah blah.” again, i appreciate the enthusiasm, but it kinda throws my game off.
It’s funny, because I hadn’t seen that music video since I was a kid, but I kept seeing people reference it in the comments section, too, to the point where I was like, “I DON’T KNOW HOW I’LL SIT THROUGH IT, BUT I MUST WATCH IT AGAIN.” I watched the entire episode before reading your review of it and…was quite disappointed. It’s shitty, yeah, but it was more bearable for me to watch than the actual episode itself (which was the first time I’d watched any part of Full House–with dialogue, I mean, not a clip of dancing or something–in at least ten years).
I’m gonna be real with you: I kinda like the video. And the song.
Frick, please stone me now.
Train.wreck
Jesse and The Rippers were making “Mom Porn” years before this 50 Shades of Grey BS!
WIN.
Just to give you a fair warning, Michelle is notoriously known for being a pitch, whiney smart-ass in seasons 6-8, so be watch out
Fantastic!
I can’t wait for season 6. That’s when Steve/Aladdin becomes a regular. He’s so hot, and undoubtedly the coolest guy ever to grace the Full House (Kimmie being the coolest woman).
So Billy, what’s the verdict? Does the Forever video trump The Christmas Airport Monologue for it’s awfulness?
it’s hard to say. i feel like the “forever” music video was worse, but it was so built up by several seasons of terrible bullshit that it doesn’t really feel worse by comparison. both were the worst moment of their particular season, but season 5 is just SO much worse than whichever season the christmas episode took place in (season 2, i think).
I think there needs to be a Top 5 Cringe-Moments list at the end of season 8
Am I the only one thinking that in that “sexy” headshot John Stamos looks like Douglas Reynholm, the serially sexually harassing boss from The IT Crowd?
Not fat enough :C)
But I bet Uncle Jersey has used Rohypnol
Damn you electric sex pants!
I’ve been looking forward to this post! SO funny, well done! God, that “Forever” video is terrible. I remembered this episode when it first aired and being kinda creeped out by it when I was little, but I had forgotten just how gloriously awful the video is. Anyway, this is my new favorite blog and I’ve told all my friends about it–thanks for watching this crappy show and making us laugh about it!
I’m loving Becky Dondaldson-Cochran-Katsopolis’s waist line in that screen cap of her dancing. I wish there were more screen caps of her hot body, like that one a while ago where she was kissing Jermsey or something and you could see her butt real well. Maybe they’ve completely marginalized her and you don’t get any opportunity for screen caps like that anymore.
“Anyway, Danny figures out that it’s Kimmie Gibbler hiding in DJ’s bed because of her stinky feet but then he doesn’t even really give a shit.”
I’m surprised he wasn’t concerned about some lesbian stuff going on under those covers.
I have to say, Jermsey’s video – either one, take your pick – is pretty awful and non-nonsensical. I was considering looking it up on youtube, but then, I don’t want to ruin my weekend.
i love full house
I can’t believe I made it through a whole season (not including the season 5 recap. I caught up to this blog when you finished season 4 and were on break.
Anyways, great review as always. The shot of the potato babies in the clouds is horrible. What ugly babies.
Next season the mop head twins.
How has no one mentioned the fact that A) Jesse has a lovely ball sack camel toe in one part of that video or that B) baby dick is visible between the butt cheeks?
Buncha slackers.
Amen. You read my mind.
I was going to comment on the baby peen, but then I wasn’t sure if it was really, or if it was artifacting from low def video that’s been paused, so I left it alone. Looking at it again, I’m voting for baby peen.
Def baby weiny And as far as Uncle Jesses camel ball Yes In a lot of the episodes u can actually see which side his Wang lays in his jeans. It happens ALL the time you really can’t help but notice its rather distracting You can never see Danny or Joeys bulge I wonder if they’re dressing Jesse like that on purpose Seriously I look for it now as I’m going thru the eps wit billys super blog No I’m not a prev I just hav attention to detail LOL
Great review…except the original Forever by the Beach Boys is a 70s classic and one of the prettiest songs ever recorded! Which makes the John Stamos thing even more of an abomination.
Totally agree. Love that song but this video makes me like it less.
Agreed. The original Forever is amazing.
Ahhhh, yeah, this was worth it. I love how you just started the actual video section with the words “Holy fuck”. And you’re spot on with pointing out how cliche and early ’90s the video looks, too-even as a kid I noticed how similar it looked to other videos that were around at the time.
All I remembered from the video all these years were shots of Jesse holding the babies and sitting there in the bed all naked and whatnot. I forgot about the babies floating and the studio stuff. Oy. I’m debating which video would be worse-the final product or the original Arabian “Jess-man” video, had they gone with it (and now I think about how close we came as a country to having a dance called the “Jess-man” and I shudder).
Great read, as always. On to season 6!
And this marks the final appearance of the “potato babies” (had that same issue as an infant, LOL)…though whether or not that’s a good thing is debatable.
I discovered this blog a few months ago and am now finally caught up! Looking forward to season six!
almost pissed myself laughing at your critique of the music video and the miserable babies floating in the air and all the nakedness mentioned. You sure it’s OK to post a cap of a naked baby’s fanny on the internet? well done sir!
Kimmie Gibbler says that she’s not going to be able to go to Spain
Not that I have any desire to denigrate the great Miss Gibbler, but perhaps if you’re in danger of flunking Spanish you shouldn’t be going to Spain?
Oh, also, there’s a break-down where everybody does, “the Jess-Man.”
Man, what was up with our obsession with cheesy rap in the early 90s?
even though that’s the squarest thing to cover up that I can even imagine.
“Cheese it you guys, our quiet studying might wake up my parents! And they’ll be hella pissed about what we’re doing!”
I hadn’t noticed it until now, but Jermsey is starting to rock a serious mullet at this point.
Jesse celebrates by kissing Michelle on the mouth some more. I’m not even kidding.
Good god man, at least sneak in a kiss with your wife occasionally!
You see, kids, back in the early 90′s, MTV showed music videos all the time.
Although I don’t think even the MTV of the time would show a video this horrid. Also ha!
There isn’t even one woman in the whole video.
See? No way MTV would have aired it.
Why does one of the potato babies have deeply tanned feet?
Hahahah that is a real music video! According to Jersey’s wiki: “In 1992, [Stamos] sang lead vocals on a new version of “Forever” for [the Beach Boys'] album Summer in Paradise…The song was also featured twice on Full House…The 1992 music video, titled “Forever by Jesse and the Rippers”, featured Stamos predominantly. Three of The Beach Boys members are however briefly shown singing harmonies with Stamos…”
It’s on wikipedia so you know it’s accurate.
PS: I just discovered FHR and it is spectacular.
I remember this shit vividly. I watched the full house growing up and I can remember the progression from enjoying it to being embarrassed by enjoying it to catching it occasionally. But this video was the moment that I officially said “Fuck this shit!” and left the full house in the rearview for good.
Before we chalk up the horror that was this video to being a product of time of poor taste, take a moment to reflect on the fact that even by the standards of the early 90′s, this stands out as being so mind-numbingly, sphincter-clenchingly bad that it may have been the singular moment that FHR fans have been anticipating some two decades later. Even by 90′s standards, this was some of the most insufferable bullshit to foul the screen.
And seriously, what the fuck is up with Uncle Herpes’ ego? If I was in his band I’d tell him to go fuck himself before I’d allow myself to be dragged into his self-aggrandizing attempt at family kiddie porn. And what’s more, for all the time that Jersey spends worrying about looking “uncool” he turns around and spews forth this steaming pile of horseshit that actually makes Joey’s woodchuck impression look like an exercise in taste and refinement.
I hereby declare that “making the Forever video” should replace “jumping the shark” in the pop culture lexicon.
Up to this point, I’ve remembered at least a single scene from all of the episodes, so this must have been around the time where I almost completely stopped watching and played Super Nintendo all night instead. There’s really only one more scene that I still remember and that would be the episode where DJ (or maybe Stephanie?) gets her ears pierced and then wraps her hair around her ears trying to hide if from Danny, saying something ridiculous shit about it being Star Wars week at school and she’s dressing as Princess Leia.
what the fuck is wrong with you, you ass hole. if you dont like full house then get your godamn life back and do something producting instead of being a fucked up shitt head. DAMN YOUR AN ASS!
i like these kinds of comments because they are equally valid and ridiculous. yes, it is a waste of time to review all of full house. i can admit that. but what does it mean to “do something producting”? that makes no sense. also, it’s “Damn, you’re an ass!” YOU’RE!!! short for “you are.” if i ever get an outraged comment that is grammatically correct it will have a much greater effect.
Seriously, Billy, why are you so UNPRODUCTING?!
I think she should do something producting & go back to English class.
Your blog is just wrong! But so right
My favorite part of the music player is the black congo/auxillary percussion player. In the church scenes he is jamming out way over the top with a huge shit-eating grin, and then, right around the 2 minute mark, he does this ridiculous comic walk with a HUGE smile while Jesse films.
Also, if anyone’s interested, I took FOREVER, layered it twelve times, and set the pitch of each track one half-step higher, so that you can hear the song in every pitch in an octave simultaneously. The effect is nightmarish and reveals a never before seen side of the song. You can check it out here:
http://youtu.be/KNekoVzqtks
What was the point of that. That was horrible.
I’m an aesthete
Those twins are definitely uglier babies than Mary Kate & Ashley as babies, no doubt about it!
I am just SO glad that they produced a shitty video of a shitty Beach Boys song, and didn’t decide to ruin a great KISS classic song of the same name. Forever by KISS is a kick ass tune!
i love the full house!!!!!!…
Why has no one pointed out that Martha Quinn is here as herself, but she also played Joey and Jesse’s boss at the radio station? She was in at least two episodes! You’d think they would recognize her…
I also think even by 90s standards, people would call shenanigans on a rock star throwing pictures of his babies into the music video. That kind of self-indulgent crap is hard to take even when you have low standards.
(going by my comments, my reading of your blog may seem a big schizophrenic. I really just click randomly trying to get my fill without subjecting myself to too much Full House horror at one time. It’s a delicate highwire act.
)