Season 4, Episode 25, “The Graduates”

Season 4, Episode Twenty-What!??!  How fucking long is this Season gonna go on for?  I looked back at older Seasons and it turns out they’ve been getting progressively longer…  Rationally, I know that this show wasn’t intentionally made to suck as much as possible to recap on a weekly basis, but it sure does feel that was sometimes.  Ok, all the time.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle walks into Joey’s room and asks him to find her stuffed pig but instead of helping her he just makes a song about it on his blues harmonica.

After Becky burns the waffles, everyone decides to eat cereal for breakfast and they all get one of those little individual mini-cereal boxes that you buy when you go camping or whatever.  What an odd detail…  Why don’t they have a regular cereal box?  Anyway, Joey starts asking Danny about how his blind date went the night before and Danny says it sucked because his date said that he looked old.  Hey, wait a minute, before I get to insulting Danny’s rapidly withering features, I have to take a minute to wonder what happened to whatsherface, that woman he was dating for most of this Season who had that ugly practical-joke-playing son, Rusty.  The last time Rusty appeared they didn’t show his mom or mention her at all, and now I guess they’re both gone for good.  Back in the early episodes they used to introduce and then drop new characters left and right (Bubba the turtle, your absence will never stop hurting…), but by this point I’ve come to expect some sort of explanation when a recurring love interest disappears.  Whatsherface and Rusty had several episodes centered around them, and now they’re just gone forever?  Why did I ever let myself get so invested in them?  Oh, and also, Danny’s face looks like Wilford Brimley’s ever-greying anus.

Michelle comes downstairs and insists on singing “The Wheels on the Bus” because she’s going to be performing it with her class at her graduation from preschool.  Jesse is visibly unenthusiastic about the choice of song, as he finds it to be “uncool” and not at all suitable for his preschool graduation viewing experience.

DJ and Stephanie come downstairs and Becky asks DJ about the speech she’ll be presenting at her graduation from junior high.  Stephanie starts bitching about how everyone else is about to have a graduation ceremony except for her but for some reason no one tells her to just shut the fuck up because it’s not like she’s being intentionally excluded, she’s just finishing a grade that isn’t concluded with a  graduation ceremony this year.  See how easily this premise could have been resolved?  Anyway, Danny continues to fret about getting older while the rest of the family make quips that make him feel worse and then everyone leaves the house without ever eating any of the cereal from those little boxes.  Well then why were they even there at all?

Wake Up, San Francisco features a fitness guy who makes Becky and Danny work out and then gives Danny fitness advice that applies to “us older guys.”  Although Danny crumples at his suggestions and begins to hemorrhage insecurity right on the show, this is still the least disastrous taping of Wake Up, San Francisco we’ve ever seen.  After the taping, some college intern from the show comes up to Danny and starts riding his nuts super hard.  Danny realizes that even though his best years are behind him he can still drain precious energy from someone else’s youth so he asks her out. She enthusiastically accepts for some reason and then invites him to go see a band called “Slaughter” with her, which sounds just like something the kids would be into, doesn’t it?

Jesse shows up early to pick Michelle up from preschool and cynically observes as the kids practice singing, “The Wheels on the Bus.”  Jesse admits to the teacher that he thinks the song is a piece of shit and, after a heated argument with Aaron Bailey, agrees to help the class learn a new song for their graduation ceremony.  Why does the teacher allow Jesse to come into her preschool classroom and argue with her 4 year old students like that?  This isn’t the first time Jesse’s come into her classroom and started up some shit and I really think that she should just make him wait outside.

In preparation for his date with that under-aged intern, Danny puts on the most ridiculous God damn outfit I ever saw in my entire life.  I don’t care what year it was, that shit is unacceptable.  Seriously, given a choice I’d wear a fucking rubber fetish bodysuit to a first date before I put that gear on.  It would certainly be less embarrassing.  The intern meets Danny at the full house and then goes to the bathroom before they head out, presumably to escape out the window after seeing Danny’s outfit, and Danny does a mating dance as he waits for her to return. As he does the lamest white boy dance of all time in the most humiliating outfit ever assembled, the family all return home from dinner together, Kimmie Gibbler and all, and are horrified to see that all those years of Danny being an embarrassing blight on their household was just a mild precursor to this moment.

Things devolve even further when the intern comes back from the bathroom and the family discovers that not only is Danny the loudest fashion don’t of the entire 90′s, he’s also a statutory rapist.  Hilarity ensues!

As the family sit in the audience awaiting Michelle’s graduation reception, Stephanie proceeds to selfishly complain about how she’s not graduating this year.  Jesse and Michelle’s teachers introduce the graduates, who come out in cute little paper hats and robes as Stephanie continues to hate on the ceremony and vociferously feel sorry for herself.  The children are shooed behind a curtain as Jesse, also deeply intent on making a 4 year-olds graduation ceremony all about himself, introduces the musical number that he’s arranged for the kids under the title of “Jesse’s Little Rippers.”

Long time readers of Full House Reviewed may remember that there’s one scene on the show that I’ve been dreading above all others.  I’ve sat through some really shitty stuff, you guys.  Remember Jesse’s Christmas speech?  Remember the constant revolving door of Grandparents that are featured in a few episodes, never to appear again?  Remember every single line that Joey ever said?  All of that poorly produced, barely scripted, no-talent performed, hackneyed bullshit looks like Citizen Goddamn Kane compared to what comes next.  This is it, you guys.  This is the worst scene in the history of Full House.

Proving once and for all that the creators of Full House have a deep-rooted hatred for the Beatles, Michelle and her classmates perform the most unbearable rendition of “Twist and Shout” that could possibly exist.  It’s just a bunch of little kids standing around with fake instruments, looking confused while shouting the lyrics in the most unsynchronized manner imaginable.  Naturally, Michelle leads the performance, standing front and center and shouting the lyrics first before the other kids repeat what she says at whatever pace they feel like.  Words cannot describe this awful, awful moment, which I really think is the worst in television history.  It makes the Hindenburg disaster look like a field of flowers with a big ass rainbow hanging over it.  It makes the time Fonzie water skied over a shark seem like a trip to the Louvre.  It make the last episodes of Seinfeld and Battlestar Galactica not seem so disappointing after all.  I’ve almost gotten used to this shows’ brazen approach to self-congratulating, intrusive “comedy,” but this fuckin’ scene is a full on sensory overload in the worst way conceivable.  There are still a bunch of episodes in later Seasons that I’ve never seen before, but I really can’t imagine that there will ever be a moment as terrible as this one.  I saw this scene exactly one time in like 1999 and it made a strong enough impression on me that I’ve been dreading it with every review.  So there you have it, y’all:  worst scene ever.

I almost feel like I can’t go on after that but there are still about 6 minutes left in the episode so I guess I’ll finish it up.  I just feel so exhausted now…  So, what’s next?  The family decide to reward Stephanie’s relentless narcissistic complaining by staging a graduation ceremony just for her in Joey’s room.  I can’t help but feel that she might have actually learned something for once if they’d all just ignored her or, better yet, sat her down and explained that she was being a real asshole and ruining her sisters’ graduations with her endless kvetching.  I bet they could’ve sold it if they’d played some gentle music when it happened.

Danny walks in on that intern jamming out with DJ to hair metal in her room and decides that it’s time for a very special talk.  He explains that he’s acquired whatever reassurance he was looking for by bangin’ some girl half his age so now he wants to “just be friends.”

Later, Danny sits in the kitchen and plays “Young Girl” on his guitar, joining this episodes themes of self-pity and horrible musical performances.  DJ comes downstairs and asks him to listen to her rehearse her graduation speech and he lets her get about 2 sentences in before he starts criticizing it and then giving advice that clearly only applies to himself.  Danny says that he realizes that he can’t be young again just by taking advantage of some naive intern and then DJ tells him what an asshole he looked like in the outfit he wore to the Slaughter concert.  Although he really didn’t help her at all with her speech, or even listen to it, their discussion is concluded and they hug.  Stephanie and Michelle come into the kitchen and Danny declares that his life here in the full house, with 3 ugly daughters and 2 sponging idiots, plus now Aunt Becky, is pretty darn sweet.

 

57 thoughts on “Season 4, Episode 25, “The Graduates”

  1. I’ve been waiting for a new installment, and finally here it is! Plus, I was anxiously awaiting the hilarity of this particular episode to be reviewed. I agree 100% that Michelle’s graduation scene was the epitome of awfulness in the vast universe of horror that is Full House. I hated that scene even when it was new. Anyway, now I have to wait for next Friday (and hopefully, finally, Season 5). Keep up the good work!

  2. What in the world is Aunt Becky wearing in that waffle-making screengrab?! I suspect it can be turned into some sort of fashion straightjacket, which really explains a lot about how Jesse wrangled here into the full house in the first place and also about how she is coping with living with the biggest bunch of assholes this side of The Jersey Shore.

  3. There appears to be a drawing of an erect penis on the fridge in the waffle-making screengrab. Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed this.

  4. Somewhere in the bowels of season 8 or 9, Billy, Papouli lies in wait for thee. You may need to watch the Little Rippers performance afterwards just to wash the ol’ brain out. I’m not exaggerating, although like your experience with the LR’s, I only saw the Papouli episode reran once in 1997, so maybe it’s not as bad as the grim spectacle that I recall it to be. But then again, maybe it’s worse…

    • the papouli episode is another one ive never seen that comes up a lot in the comments as the worst episode of all time. i hope for my own sake that its’ not as bad as this one…

    • Yeah I have to agree – my level of tolerance for this show was embarrassingly high the first time around, and the Papouli episode is the one that finally taught me to be embarrassed. For watching.

  5. What an odd detail… Why don’t they have a regular cereal box?

    Cross-promotion? A subtle commentary on how every member of the Full House is too selfish to compromise on a cereal, and thus they all get their own?

    Whatsherface and Rusty had several episodes centered around them, and now they’re just gone forever?

    It’s almost like this is a new season, instead of the closing chapters of a seemingly-never ending one…

    Danny realizes that even though his best years are behind him he can still drain precious energy from someone else’s youth so he asks her out.

    Aside from being, you know, hella creepy, Danny’s lucky he didn’t get fired and/or sued for sexual harassment. I mean, when the talent (such as it is) of the show you’re interning with asks you out, you can’t not say “yes”, right?

    …after a heated argument with Aaron Bailey...

    I love that pre-school age Aaron Bailey has the mental chops to keep up with Jersey in an argument, and vice versa.

    This is it, you guys. This is the worst scene in the history of Full House.

    Ah! We got there! Consider this long-time reader’s curiousity sated.

    Also, I remember that scene, and it is indeed pretty horrible.

    The family decide to reward Stephanie’s relentless narcissistic complaining by staging a graduation ceremony just for her in Joey’s room.

    First of all, that’s beyond ridiculous, for all the reasons you make clear. Secondly, if I was a relentless narcissist like Stephanie, I’d feel like a half assed ceremony in Joey’s bedroom is hardly the same thing as all the attention Michelle and DJ received/will get, and still be unhappy.

    So is this finally the end of the season? I love that this show burned through a wedding, a moving day, one of the characters getting a new job and two-ish graduation ceremonies. That’s a ton of season finale/premiere material wasted…

    • “…if I was a relentless narcissist like Stephanie, I’d feel like a half assed ceremony in Joey’s bedroom is hardly the same thing as all the attention Michelle and DJ received/will get, and still be unhappy.”

      If?

    • this shit is not even over yet! the season finale’s next week!

      also, yeah, i’m pretty sure that danny dating that intern would be legally dubious. i imdb’d her after your next comment and it seems like she never really did much besides make one or two guest appearances on other crappy shows. maybe you saw her on the red shoe diaries?

      • now that i’ve given it some more thought i’m actually pretty annoyed at myself for not making a point at the end about how morally corrupt danny’s actions were. im pretty sure that what he did is totally illegal. i actually wanna go back and edit something in, which i’ve never done before. i guess pointing it out here’s good enough. that’s the problem with full house: you really gotta pick and choose your criticisms because there’s just so much wrong with it.

        • And I can certainly imagine the hardest part of these reviews is picking only a few things to relentlessly mock, because you could probably spend weeks ragging on everything sucky in some of these eps.

  6. Isn’t there a new first in this episode? Aunt Becky being a bad cook becomes one of her four character traits I believe.

  7. You are indeed a superstar! I bumped into this site about two weeks ago looking for a kdrama called Full House (nothing to do with the American show). I went through each entry, comments and all (which are hilarious themselves) not being able to read them fast enough. I am, like many others, one of those at-work readers. I couldn’t wait until I had a few extra minutes and would shoot straight over here.

    I really found a treasure. I will now join your followers and will look forward to each new entry. No matter what the asshole Parthenons say, you keep doing this great service.

  8. I always noticed too when watching this as a kid how the guys went through women like it was nothing. Now that I’m older I realize that’s how dating is, some women you date and then you just never go on another date with again.

    Stephanie acted like a selfish prick, so of course they reward her.

    And dude you must be a major Beatles fan, because that is definitely not the worst scene in TV history. Heck, it might not even be the worst in Full House history.

  9. While reading the paragraph about the graduation scene, for some reason I thought you were going to link to a video of it. I’m glad you didn’t, because I would’ve definitely watched the whole thing.

    • people keep talking about the forever music video in the comments. i’ve actually never seen that episode so we’ll see if it tops this one, but as long as the forever video isnt performed by screaming children who don’t even know what’s going on, i think it’ll be more pleasant than this.

      • The twins are in it but they don’t sing, also its like 4 minutes longer than this and very evocative of music videos of that time period.

    • Thanks for the link. I tried to look it up on YouTube but only found fan montages of Michelle dancing set to the Beatles’ Twist and Shout. It made me lose all faith in humanity.

      • I saw those too. What’s worse is people actually compliment the video in the comments. Like there is an audience for videos of Michelle Tanner shaking her hips to the Beatles. I’m really fascinated by that.

      • Yeah, I only found those, too. This blog has become a motorcycle-and-semi-truck-collision for me: I know it’s awful, but the awfulness is something my brain is pushing for me to see. I find myself leaving here to go straight to YouTube, all the time :P

  10. Wow, someone ignored the little troll’s demands in the pre-credits gag! Though I wouldn’t be surprised is Joey’s song was a ruse to keep the troll from finding out he’s a plushophile who has a stuffed animal porn dungeon below his bed.

  11. I’m surprised no one has mentioned the two staircases in the full house. Which both end up at the same end of the hallway upstairs. Even ignoring that, why would Michelle have come down the staircase in the living room when she smelled cake instead of the one in the kitchen? Why do I notice these things?

  12. What kind of girl just blurts out “You look old” to her date?

    My niece graduates preschool in May… maybe I should take over the plans for the ceremony…

  13. Long time listener, first time caller here…
    I want to first just thank you for putting together this website. I was a sitcom junkie as a kid, and its great to relive this show with a new perspective.
    This episode is pretty terrible, and I think what makes it particularly awful is that it is in an earlier season. Most people my age tend to think of the later episodes as being the worst, but that’s only because that was the point during the first run where we started to reach the age where we developed self-awareness and an understanding of sarcasm, and could fully comprehend how bad the plot was. People have to understand that the folks that watched this show from the beginning (as I did) grew up and developed senses of humor during all of this.
    For me, I don’t think it gets much worse than the episode where the Rippers kick Jesse out of the band, and he is replaced by Greg Brady. John Stamos has an existential breakdown right in front of our eyes. I look forward to it.

    • Big Daddy and the Monkey Puppets emerge from No-More-Jesse and the Rippers, and we get to see Viper! I do really think it gets worse season to season, it’s not just that our senses of humour got more sophisticated. I mean… common! “Big Daddy and the Monkey Puppets”? Ick! “Viper”? Ick! That’s a try to hard combination if I ever saw one.

  14. I grew up watching this show and liked it back then but I see now how truly bad it was!

    The worst part about this blog is that it made me actually wanna watch the show again just to hate on all the things mentioned in the recaps! Wal-mart had a bunch of the dvd season sets for $10 and I almost caved but luckily my will power won out!

  15. Slaughter was actually a real early-90s hair metal band. Leave it to Full House to capitalize on the cheesiest movement in music history once it isn’t even popular anymore.

  16. I woke up very early this morning to Jesse’s Christmas speech playing on t.v and I laughed thinking about this blog and how much you hated it. But now as I’m typing this I honestly can’t remember if that ACTUALLY happened or if it was all a very vivid dream (or nightmare) brought on by my constant reading of this blog…. oh well, I regret nothing

  17. Stephanie and Michelle come into the kitchen and Danny declares that his life here in the full house, with 3 ugly daughters and 2 sponging idiots, plus now Aunt Becky, is pretty darn sweet.

    LMAO! Best line ever!

  18. Oh man, seriously, what is up with Aunt Becky’s outfits? They’re all, like, strange suit dresses (or whatever those are called) or just really horrible loose-fitting stuff. Didn’t Rebecca Donaldson dress much better than that before all this? It’s either the full house ruining her fashion sense along with everything else about her, or maybe it’s just her equivalent of the “getting fat after marriage” trope.

  19. I saw this train wreck the other day. I bet that teacher lost her job and forever had her credentials stained by allowing the children to partake in the Twist and Shout debacle. One parent had to have asked, “What the fuck was that? ” When their child explained how Jesse just strolled into the classroom and successfully convinced the teacher to allow that to take place, her sense of judgement, self respect and general sanity had to have been called into question. Further evidence of ineptitude is evident as she dances to and enjoys the performance.

  20. I was waiting for you to get to this episode, because it started out so promising. I mean, really, how awesome would that be if Danny Tanner turned into an aging but unapologetic hesher for the rest of the show’s run? That would be fun for me to watch. Okay, I guess it’s an idea that the show would fuck up as bad as they do any other idea, and really, it’s not that great of an idea at all.

  21. So, what’s next? The family decide to reward Stephanie’s relentless narcissistic complaining by staging a graduation ceremony just for her in Joey’s room.

    Damn these kids ALWAYS got their way selfish little fuckers.

  22. I’m pretty sure that teacher has the hots for Jesse or something. She lets him get away with anything. And she does look and act like the type of character who would develop an unrequited crush like that.

  23. Not having your own graduation ceremony? Who gives a fuck about something so arbitrary? At her age all I cared about was watching cartoons and playing video games.

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