Season 4, Episode 19, “The Wedding-Part 2″

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle recaps the events of the previous episode.

As Jesse flails around helplessly while hanging from a tree, a friendly yokel pulls up in his tomato truck and agrees to try to help him get down.  The news that it may take 2 or 3 hours to free him doesn’t sit well with Jesse, who’s already late to his wedding, so he removes his harness and drops down onto the tomatoes, which break his fall.

The yokel’s like, “hey, asshole, I was trying to help you and you fucked up all my tomatoes,” and Jesse’s not even sorry.  The yokel starts to get ornery and explains that Jesse had better watch his ass because they’re in tomato country, where they don’t take kindly to the pushy, egomaniacal behavior of city folk.  Tomato country?  I actually grew up right near San Francisco and I’ve certainly never heard of tomato country.  I’ve heard of wine country, which would make perfect sense in this scenario, but not tomato country.  I’ve also never seen such cartoonish yokels  in any part of California.  If some dirty hippie had picked up Jesse in his van that ran on corn oil I’d totally believe it, but this backwoods fellow?  Not so much.

So, get this:  Jesse straight up tries to steal the tomato truck.  Like it’s not enough that he already ruined this guys whole load of tomatoes or something.  Luckily, the tomato guy’s cousin is the sheriff (because everyone is related in tomato country), who pulls up just that minute and arrests Jesse before he can drive off.

DJ and Stephanie continue to make their wedding documentary by filming Rebecca Donaldson as she stands around crying.  Everyone kills time by making corny jokes until Jesse calls to ask Rebecca Donaldson if she’ll come to tomato country and bail him out of prison.  Rebecca Donaldson misses her ten millionth sign from the universe that this Jesse character is just absolutely no good and heads off to go get him.

As Danny and Joey figure out how to stall the wedding guests, Jesse’s parents come up and ask what the fuck is going on.  Oh, wow, they brought back Grandma and Grandpa!  Having not seen them in about 2 Seasons, I totally wouldn’t even have thought about it if they hadn’t made an appearance in this episode, but there they are!

Jesse pleads with the sheriff to release him from the clink but the sheriff just stands around eating a tomato, not havin’ it.

Rebecca Donaldson shows up and she’s like, “what the fuck, Jesse?  Seriously, couldn’t you not fuck up just one thing ever?”  Jesse explains that he had a long talk with her dad about how lame everything is gonna be once he’s married so he wanted to go have one last adventure first.

Rebecca Donaldson’s like, “sucka, this pussy is the greatest adventure you are ever gonna have” and then they make up.  The sheriff is so touched by their unhealthy relationship that he agrees to release Jesse and drop all the charges.  He opens the cell, hands them a basket of tomatoes and sends them on their way.

Rebecca Donaldson’s car got towed while she was getting Jesse out of jail so the two of them flag down a bus.

The bus is filled with a gospel choir and the driver explains that they aren’t heading to San Francisco but once he recognizes Rebecca Donaldson as the host of Wake Up, San Francisco he decides to just do whatever she wants.  He even lets her drive!

Danny, Joey and Jesse’s parents try to stall the wedding crowd by leading a chorus of, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” (great song for a wedding…), until Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson finally arrive.

So you’d think the rest of the ceremony would go off without a hitch, right?  Michelle gets about halfway down the aisle before calling out, “Stop the wedding!” because she ran out of flowers to throw.  Danny runs up to console her by telling her that it’s the architect of the church’s fault for making the building too long and then he actually gets the wedding guests to applaud her effort.  Root causes, y’all.  Root causes.

Finally, Rebecca Donaldson walks down the aisle, giving everyone boners.  She and Jesse exchange rings and all that shit and then it’s announced to the crowd that Jesse wants to pledge his love with music.  Jesus Christ, it’s not bad enough that he made these people wait forever for him to even show up, now they gotta sit through this shit, too?  That’s the problem with struggling musicians.  Every social gathering’s just some excuse for them to hype their shit.

Jesse sings, “Forever,” which becomes his big song that he sings all the time throughout the rest of the series.  What’s the deal with this song?  Did he play it with the Beach Boys or something?  Anyway, I kind of thought that the gospel choir who were riding in the bus that Rebecca Donaldson stole would be pretty upset, but apparently they aren’t after all because they actually decide to back Jesse up as performs his song.  I guess he taught them the lyrics on the bus ride over or something?  I can’t help but feel bad for all the families in Oakland that are just sitting in an empty church right now like, “well, I guess the choir’s not coming today…”

Since Jesse’s stupid song goes on for like 10 million years, there’s some cut-away footage, including a photo montage of Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson growing up.  There’s also a bunch of clips of scenes of them together from previous episodes, and then, presumably because there’s not a lot of footage of them doing anything outside of the full house, there are a bunch of really cheap looking new shots of them hanging out in a park.  It’s pretty easy to forgive the poor quality of these shots because one of them brings us the greatest shot of Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass ever.  Dang, Rebecca Donaldson, how you gonna go and settle for that fool when you got an ass like that?

After the song is finally over,  Rebecca Donaldson has one last chance to come to her senses, but she just goes right ahead and says, “I do.”  And with that fateful declaration, Rebecca Donaldson reaches her tragic end, fully consumed by the full house at last.

Naturally, the wedding reception takes place in the living room of the full house.  Michelle schemes on the cake, Danny polices the guest’s use of coasters, and Joey starts crying as he tries to give a toast.  The first dance is announced and Jesse and Becky give a big speech that recaps their argument from an earlier episode about whether or not their wedding song should be, “Jail House Rock.”  They declare that they made a brilliant compromise and then Jesse starts singing a slow, schlocky rendition of  “Jailhouse Rock.”  That’s the fucking compromise?  She didn’t want the song to be “Jailhouse Rock” and his compromise was that he was just gonna sing it real slow?  And if that wasn’t already stomach-churningly tacky enough for you, after a slow and sappy intro, they break into a full on rock ‘n’ roll rendition and everyone dances vigorously.  So, really, there was no compromise at all.  Not only did Jesse get to pick the wedding song, but he fucking SANG IT HIMSELF!

After cake is eaten and DJ catches the bouquet, Aunt Becky puts on a white Hillary Clinton pantsuit and gets on the back of Jesse’s motorcycle.  And as she rides away to lose her virginity to a greasy, out of work musician, I just can’t help but think of how much better her life would have turned out if she’d never met any of these assholes.  Rebecca Donaldson, there was once such hope for you, but there’s no turning back now.

Firsts:   “Forever” (that shitty song Jesse always sings)

75 thoughts on “Season 4, Episode 19, “The Wedding-Part 2″

  1. Oh man. I already know what the next ep is (yes, I watched Full House enough times to know :P ) and I’m giddy to see what you think of it. Because the whole ordeal in the episode with Michelle and Jesse always pissed me off. If you haven’t seen it, you’ll see what I mean.

    • Yep, next episode is when the show hits it’s absolute, skull-bashingly horrendously divine-angering low. It’s even worse than the Christmas episode, because at leastthose are SUPPOSED to be sappy.

      Looking forward!

    • Oh, definitely. You think this wedding shows “root causes” of Michelle’s….Michelle-ness? Just wait until the idea of everyone’s world not existing solely inside Michelle’s little bubble is introduced.

  2. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… This blog is amazing. I don’t remember which episode is next, but by the earlier comments, your next blog post should be interesting.

  3. If anything good can be said about this episode it is that it seems to be light on the (don’t call him uncle) Joey. I bet he’s secretly disappointed that Uncle Jesse made it to the wedding and he didn’t get to tap that sweet Rebecca Donaldson. Being the comedian he is, you just KNOW he would “accidentally” go back door too. What a crack up. Cut-it-out.

    • Great comment in general, but this: “(don’t call him uncle) Joey”, I love.

      I’m not quite caught up on the posts (only a handful more to go!), but I hope Billy starts using this like he uses Rebecca Donaldson’s full name every time.

    • I think he’s more disappointed that Jesse is married and he won’t be expecting a visit from him through the back door any time soon if you catch my drift.

    • Please. He couldn’t tap her if she was a fisher price light up bongo-drum. Bitch please. What world would ever allow Joey any sorta hot ass like that?

  4. Oh you crack me up with your phrases ! I particularly loved the hippy with corn oil engine stuff, the part about tomato country and the Hillary Clinton white pants ! Keep going !!!

  5. Holy shit–I thought I was the only person in the world who secretly took pleasure in hating the shitfest that was Full House. Growing up I watched it sporadically but when Full House was on I would usually get sucked into its cheesy awfulness. I’ve also always had a similar affinity for the car accident quality of Lifetime movies. I always know it is going to be a fucking mess but I just can’t help but stare. This blog is nothing short of amazing.

  6. I’m thankful to every deity in the fucking universe that I’ve never seen an entire episode of Full House. I just powered through this entire blog in like 3 days and it’s the most amazingly hilarious thing I’ve read in a long while. I’m so happy that I don’t actually have to watch this utter shit. Thanks for being awesome!

  7. I just powered through this entire blog in about five days. Thank you for helping me get through finals, working Black Friday, and a terrible flu. You’re doing God’s work.

    I remember watching this show when I was little, probably 7 or 8ish. I never saw it when it aired, only through reruns and I thought it was funny because clearly I hadn’t developed taste yet. However, I rewatched a few episodes recently and I was totally horrified by it all.

    Can’t wait for more!

  8. Love the blog! I seem to recall there being a music video of “Forever” with Jesse’s stupid band. Oh how I hope its a DVD extra

  9. I found this blog on Huffpost’s “7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Time On Right Now” and started at the beginning. I didn’t stop reading and laughing until I caught up. I remember watching reruns of Full House as a kid and I love to hate this show. Your blog is awesome and hilarious. Keep it up!

  10. Oh boy….where to begin.

    First of all, love the line “sucka, this pussy is the greatest adventure you are ever gonna have.” I would say the writers would be kicking themselves for not using it themselves but that would mean the writers of Full House put any thought or pride into their work.

    Rebecca Donaldson running off to bail out Jersey just to make sure the wedding happens proves to me that she is more in love with the idea of love, marriage, and having a wedding than the man himself. Which explains why Rebecca Donaldson and her hot ass would tolerate Jersey.

    We make fun of the Full House characters for being self centered, but if a gospel choir ditches their gig to sing at your wedding for no real reason on last second notice…how can you not think the world revolves around you?

    I remember a lot from this episode, but I totally forgot the reception was at the full house. WTF!? Look at them, they’re packed in there like sardines. Can anyone even enjoy themselves?

    I know Jersey is an Elvis freak so ofcourse he’d want his first dance to be an Elvis song…but why pick “Jailhouse Rock?” Shouldn’t you just go with “Can’t Help Falling In Love” and be done with it? Sure it’s a bit cliched…but when has that stopped the full house from doing anything?

    And finally, when I was young I was the ring bearer in a wedding ceremony and my sister, who was even younger, was the flower girl. It was a full Catholic ceremony and my sister was standing for a long time in an uncomfortable dress. She basically cried the entire wedding complaining that she wanted to sit down.

    That’s the true story.

    For a long time, into my teen years, I would tell that story but also include that when she first came down the aisle she ran out of flowers, stopped the wedding and grabbed more flowers to use the rest of the way down.

    It was only until I rewatched this episode did I realize that this memory was not my own but a part of this episode of Full House.

    I have no idea what this says about the psychology of children watching television and confusing fantasy with realitiy or what this says about America’s increasing obsession with television and how much a part of our lives its become. Maybe it just means that I was a dumb kid.

    But there you have it. Full House is such a virus that it infected my brain and made me think I was living its events. God help me.

    • The only possible argument I can come up with for using “Jailhouse Rock” instead of “Can’t Help Falling in Love” is that the writers were concerned people wouldn’t immediately identify it as an Elvis song the way they would “Jailhouse Rock”.

      Which is beyond ridiculous, but when have these writers ever shown that they have any respect for the intelligence of the audience?

    • The only reason I saw “Jailhouse Rock” as being a reasonable (by Full House standards) song for their wedding is because Jesse had just been in jail that day. As far as arguing for it prior to that event happening is utterly stupid.

      Ok, I’m going to admit something here. I am a massive Elvis fan. I have an Elvis room in my house (I’m not lying). I have been to Graceland for Elvis Week countless times. Even been to where Elvis was born in Tupelo a lot of times. Last time I was in Vegas I made sure I made it to this Elvis museum thing. And I’ve often said that if I ever get married I’d like an Elvis impersonator to be involved in some way. I don’t like weddings so I’d just want to get married on the beach with me and my man – in other words, elope. The Elvis component would either be the officiant being dressed as Elvis, the witness or if I wanted someone to walk me down the “aisle”. Of course, I have made the concession that if my soon to be spouse was absolutely against the idea I’d not insist on it.

      Also I wouldn’t want Jail-fucking-House Rock to be my damn wedding song. So while I get and understand Jesse’s love of Elvis, I think he’s an asshole about his insistence of inserting Elvis when the other person clearly isn’t interested.

  11. Here’s my question: how the fuck did Rebecca Donaldson get to the jail? Didn’t she drive? Did she go without any thought as to how she would get back home?

    • Ahh…reading comprehension wasn’t ever my strong suit…

      “Rebecca Donaldson’s car got towed while she was getting Jesse out of jail”

      But seriously, the writers come up with the most trite plot devices known to man.

      • Not to mention that the driving that had to take place to get from the church to tomato country and back and forth, had to take hours and hours! I’ve driven in San Fran and you can’t get anywhere fast!

  12. You know, I’ve started to think of Full House as taking place in an alternate universe, one where the members of the full house are the most important people in the world, and each episode is like an anthropological survey of that universe. This episode teaches us that in this universe, tomatoes grow in San Francisco and you have wedding receptions in your house, because of course you do.

    Tomato country? I actually grew up right near San Francisco and I’ve certainly never heard of tomato country.

    You know, I started wondering if tomatoes can even grow in San Francisco’s climate, but then I realized there’s no way in hell the writers gave it any thought so why should I?

    But holy crap, is that Glenn Morshower, of 24′s Agent Pierce fame, playing the Tomato Yokel? A quick IMDB search tells me…it is! Crazy!

    Everyone kills time by making corny jokes

    At least they didn’t sing…

    Rebecca Donaldson’s car got towed while she was getting Jesse out of jail

    Of course it did.

    You know, my memory of this episode is that Jersey’s quest to get to the wedding took a really long time, and that the actual wedding/reception was just a few minutes tacked onto the end of the episode.

    But it seems like it really didn’t take that long, and my memory is just skewed…

    Danny, Joey and Jesse’s parents try to stall the wedding crowd by leading a chorus of, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”

    There it is…

    That’s the problem with struggling musicians. Every social gathering’s just some excuse for them to hype their shit.

    Haha! Funny cuz it’s true…

    I just can’t help but think of how much better her life would have turned out if she’d never met any of these assholes. Rebecca Donaldson, there was once such hope for you, but there’s no turning back now.

    RIP poor, poor Rebecca Donaldson. On the upside, at least the world partially revolves around you too now.

    • Teebore, I think if I come across this show on actual television again, I may watch it to see if it’s palatable with your anthropology idea. Of course, we all know what happens in anthro documentaries: eventually, someone starts flinging poo.

    • By way of explaining why the reception was held in the Full House, I seem to remember Danny going around telling guests, “Groom was late, lost the hall. Have a coaster.” So at least the writers were, for once, acknowledging that when you behave like a lobotomized toddler (an insult to lobotomized toddlers everywhere) consequences might actually result.

  13. “And with that fateful declaration, Rebecca Donaldson reaches her tragic end, fully consumed by the full house at last.”

    best line ever… RIP Rebecca Donaldson. Welcome Aunt Becky – I’m sure I will soon hate you with the same intensity that I hate the rest. Well maybe not the same as I hate Joey. I fucking hate Joey.

  14. Finally caught up on these & thought I would post a comment for the first time. This has got to be the greatest thing I have seen on the internet in a long long time, keep it up!

  15. Hello and greetings,
    I have been following your blog for several weeks now. I first saw it on the Huffington Post and I wanted to share with you a story about that fateful day. I am a third year law student and I fucking hate my life. On the day in question I was basically wedged right in the middle of a goddamn 13-hour day of classes and study groups. I was miserable. I was tired. Everything was pissing me off, and to make matters worse, I still had a 3-hour evening class with the world’s most obnoxious professor. But wait! In swooped your blog and holy fuck it turned my day around completely. The only things that have turned a shitty day around so fast are those glorious meatballs that I bought on a whim and ate while watching a rerun of Dexter. Your blog was better than that.

    I just wanted to stop by and say I will be here with you until the bitter end. I think the combination of your wit and clever writing style and the pure fucking ass-hattery of Full House make for one of the best pieces of serial journalism that I have ever had the privilege to lay eyes on. Keep up the good work! Your attention to detail and knack for identifying key plot points (or lack thereof) lends an air of authenticity to this beautiful piece of literary magic. Never stop. You are perfect.

    Valencia

  16. I’ve been reading the blog for a couple weeks and just now finally got through them all. It was a bit weird reading end to beginning, but the show follows a story structure literally no better than entirely backwards, so it actually worked out pretty okay. This is brilliant, and I’m going to hate waiting a week to read a new one every time now.

    It’s nice seeing the blog evolve the more you grow to hate it. In the beginning, reviews were short, pointed out plot holes, and finished. Now there are long rants about the seething hatred of all of the assholes in the house and long discussions about their failings as parents and people. It’s quite beautiful.

    • “It was a bit weird reading end to beginning, but the show follows a story structure literally no better than entirely backwards, so it actually worked out pretty okay.”

      This is cracking me up. Excellent observation.

  17. I assume that the selection of “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” was made to placate the angry community of Tomato (Tomahto?) County, CA after the maligning they received in this episode.

  18. “What’s the deal with this song? Did he play it with the Beach Boys or something?”

    Actually, “Forever” is an original Beach Boys song written by Dennis Wilson in 1970. John Stamos sings his own version w/ some of the BB’s on a later episode of FH, and that becomes his “hit single” (the one he makes the music video for). Fun fact: Stamos still sings it live in concert when he tours w/ the BB’s. I saw this in person last June, and it was like watching a live episode of FH. Blew my mind. lol

    “Naturally, the wedding reception takes place in the living room of the full house.”

    I’ve seen this episode a zillion times, but today for the 1st time I noticed that when they’re at the full house for the reception and Danny’s handing out coasters (pause to roll eyes), he says something about how they lost the [reception] hall b/c Jesse was so late. If that happened in real life, everyone, especially the bride, would FLIP OUT. But nobody at the reception seems pissed at Jesse! Not even Becky’s parents, and they were paying for the wedding (according to a previous episode). They don’t even show how they managed to decorate the full house and get Jesse’s shitty band set up for the last-minute reception. I imagine it would have been like that episode where DJ forgets Kimmy’s 16th b-day, and the Tanners scramble to throw her a half-ass party.

    I can tell I’ve been reading this blog too much b/c phrases like “Jesse’s shitty band” and “the full house” are now a regular part of vocabulary. Thank you, billysuperstar!

  19. “After the song is finally over, Rebecca Donaldson has one last chance to come to her senses, but she just goes right ahead and says, “I do.” And with that fateful declaration, Rebecca Donaldson reaches her tragic end, fully consumed by the full house at last.”

    You sir truly do crack me up. Once again you have made me laugh so hard that I cried. I just thought of Rebecca being sucked up by the hotel from The Shining.

    “I just can’t help but think of how much better her life would have turned out if she’d never met any of these assholes. Rebecca Donaldson, there was once such hope for you, but there’s no turning back now.”

    R.I.P. Rebecca Donaldson you are now known as Aunt Becky and with that I guess my long awaited question has been answered. I guess you will be now writing her name as Aunt Becky.

  20. “Jesse, who’s already late to his wedding, so he removes his harness and drops down onto the tomatoes, which break his fall.”

    OK, so not only did my wish that Jersey would fall onto the cold, hard ground and splatter in a red mess of body mass not come true, based on the screen cap, it doesn’t even look like the tomatoes splattered in a red mess. Look at the cap when he’s being arrested. He doesn’t have a drop of tomato entrails on him.

    “Jesse pleads with the sheriff to release him from the clink but the sheriff just stands around eating a tomato, not havin’ it.”

    Who eats a tomato like an apple? Even in “tomato country” that seems like a stretch. Maybe even more so than Mel Gibson eating an onion like one in Lethal Weapon 2…

    “Rebecca Donaldson’s like, “sucka, this pussy is the greatest adventure you are ever gonna have” and then they make up. “

    Oh, my god. I’m dying that is a great line!

    “The sheriff is so touched by their unhealthy relationship that he agrees to release Jesse and drop all the charges.”

    Only on a sitcom. But then, I did have a cop forgive me for having inadvertently mooned him, so maybe it could happen. True story. Visit my blog (hyperlink via my handle or http://www.he-manreviewed.blogspot.com, comment on a post and ask me about it and I will give you the details.

    “He opens the cell, hands them a basket of tomatoes and sends them on their way.”

    Seriously, what is with the tomatoes?! Well, I guess now they have a free appetizer at the wedding anyway.

    “He even lets her drive!”

    Dude, you have to have a special license for that (kind of like flying a plane, ahem, Joey). She’ll be luck if SHE doesn’t get arrested for this! A chick in a wedding dress driving a *short* bus kind of stands out.

    “Danny, Joey and Jesse’s parents try to stall the wedding crowd by leading a chorus of, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” (great song for a wedding…), until Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson finally arrive.”

    Nice tie in to the whole tomato themed wedding episode part 2, I guess. Small kudos to the writers. Probably the only one I’ll ever give them…

    “t’s pretty easy to forgive the poor quality of these shots because one of them brings us the greatest shot of Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass ever.”

    I couldn’t agree more. Excuse me for a few minutes while I make a trip to the bathroom.

    “After the song is finally over, Rebecca Donaldson has one last chance to come to her senses, but she just goes right ahead and says, ‘I do.’”

    She even sheds a tear, no less!

    “Not only did Jesse get to pick the wedding song, but he fucking SANG IT HIMSELF!”

    Yeah, how do you have your intimate first dance while the groom is the one singing it? Does not compute…

    “Rebecca Donaldson, there was once such hope for you, but there’s no turning back now.”

    Sure there is, its called divorce. And it was becoming ever more popular in the ‘90s.

    • Actually, you don’t need a special license to drive a short bus, just the big ones. My brother had a short bus once, he took off the “S” and “H” so it said “cool bus.” He used to haul his dirt bike around in it, and yes it was his daily driver for a while.

      • You DO need a commercial driver’s license to drive a short bus. My friend had to get one when she became the bus driver for the daycare where we worked. But… she was also transporting children, and it sounds like your brother was not. Possibly that was the difference?

  21. I think if you tried to pile several feet of vine-ripened tomatoes into the back of a truck, all of the ones on the bottom would get smashed. It’s inefficient agriculture out there in tomato country, I guess.

  22. LOL at the first screencap. She looks like she’s in special ed.

    Phew, thank god that truck of tomatoes pulled up perfectly, so Jesse could fall into a soft wonderland of tomatoes!

    “Rebecca Donaldson’s car got towed while she was getting Jesse out of jail”

    Wasn’t she in there for a grand total of 2 minutes?

    And of course Michelle would be the one to yell out in the middle of the wedding. Girl just has no respect for anybody or anything. Now they have to fast forward through their wedding tape because Michelle caused a scene.

    I can’t help but feel bad for all the families in Oakland that are just sitting in an empty church right now like, “well, I guess the choir’s not coming today…”

    LMAO!

  23. “And with that fateful declaration, Rebecca Donaldson reaches her tragic end, fully consumed by the full house at last.”

    “The first dance is announced and Jesse and Becky give a big speech…”

    NOOOOO, REBECCA DONALDSON IS DEAD AND NOW SHE’S BECKY, NOOOOOOOOOOO

  24. I should’ve kept reading before I commented, because:

    “After cake is eaten and DJ catches the bouquet, Aunt Becky”

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  25. Surprised I didn’t see this in the comments above, but I’m pretty sure the sheriff was Kin Shriner, better known as Scotty Baldwin from General Hospital.

  26. I feel like these wedding episodes were a turning point. Not that the writers were interested in quality writing or anything, much less continuity, but I think more stuff started happening after the wedding. Rather than all of them just treading water, with girlfriends, boyfriends, and pets introduced for one episode never to be seen again, there started to be some actual growing-up changes. DJ starts dating Steve; Michelle bribes some kids to be friends with her; Danny meets Vicky; Aunt Becky and Jesse have the twins. And Joey…well, he does nothing of consequence. But does that surprise anyone?

    It also feels like this was a turning point in terms of quality. While the show sucked horribly up to this point, it just really takes a nosedive now. Maybe it’s because Michelle starts talking more and starts becoming the central character?

  27. First of all, looking at that screen shot of Rebecca Donaldson with Jesse at the prison…holy crap, how did I never notice how fucked up her bottom teeth are?!?

    Secondly…how did Jesse manage to make a phone call to Rebecca anyway? This was pre-cell phone era. So what, Jesse, who we all know is pretty much a moron, just happens to have the number for the church where the wedding is going to be held memorized? “Tomato country” is obviously not local, so I doubt they gave him a San Francisco phone book to look it up. And even if he DID call the church, church phone number’s go to the office, and there’s usually no one there to answer phones in a church rectory on the weekends. So how did he even manage to get that call to go through? Typical Full House unexplained bullshit.

    Lastly, I’m glad Jesse is so enamored of his new wife that he lets her on his motorcycle in that pantsuit. If he wipes out on the highway, she’d totally get shredded with road rash! Nice, Jesse!

  28. ah finally Becky and Jesse get married. when DJ catches the bouquet its funny how Danny has that nervous look on his face. and little cute Michelle loves cake. and Stepahaine is my fave Tanner daughter she is so funny . she always had that cool sense of humor.

  29. Rebecca Donaldson’s like, “sucka, this pussy is the greatest adventure you are ever gonna have” and then they make up. The sheriff is so touched by their unhealthy relationship that he agrees to release Jesse and drop all the charges.

    LMFAO!

  30. I don’t even have a favorite part, I thought it was when you said Joey not being able to wipe his ass right, but then you closed it with Becky’s Hilary Clinton suit, fucking lost it. Bravo, Billy.

  31. Alright. This entry is actually how I found out about this blog. I was watching this episode and as they mentioned “Tomato Country” I couldn’t help but wonder where that was.

    A Google search produced two things. One, that I, living in West Sacramento, actually live in Tomato Country, and two, this blog.

    I’ve been reading since the beginning, and commenting a few entries here and there.

    For what it’s worth, I think being aware of my locale makes this episode the most infuriating. A.) Yolo County is not the south. I know it’s hard for people to fathom that California has more than just Los Angeles and San Francisco, but we are a huge state. I mean, a really fucking HUGE state. We have UC Davis in our county which, might be only 15 miles from where that hypothetical scene would have been filmed, and it’s pretty damn prestigious. Just because we aren’t residents of the two cesspools of the state does not make us hicks. B.) As noted above by other commenters, it takes like 2 hours to get in and out of San Francisco from this area. To believe that the wedding guests would just sit around and pick their noses while Rebecca goes on this wild goose chase is insane. It’s Valentine’s Day, and they probably had like 10 weddings going on and it would have been an experience similar to their last attempted wedding. C.) I am sorry, but if Jesse got arrested, she couldn’t just waltz in there and pick his ass up. Even if they dropped the charges, she’s be sitting there a good few hours.

    I am a stickler for factual information, which makes my fascination with this show absurd. I will stop now, but damn this episode made me want to punch my TV.

  32. I like how the opening of this episode implies that Full House is a story being told to us by Michelle.

    Or perhaps – SPOILER ALERT – Michelle’s memory from the final episode is telling amnesiatic Michelle the Full House saga. That would explain why the series ends where it does. Michelle’s memory tells Michele, and us, everything that’s happened in her life, and once she’s caught up, there’s nothing left to tell so the show is over -END SPOILER ALERT.

    Obv you’d then wonder how Michelle would have knowledge of events that happened when she was a baby, or events that she was not present at, or other characters’ dream sequences and inner monologues? I think you could answer that by saying other characters told Michelle about those events, and/or that Michelle just imagined certain things too.

    The appeal of this theory to me is that it explains the series’ bias towards Michelle. Since everything is actually from Michelle’s POV, that would explain why she’s queen of the universe. It would also explain stuff like the season 7 finale where the rich guy wants to buy the house. In Michelle’s mind her pranks and emotional appeals/ manipulations are what convinced everyone not to sell. But more likely the real reason they didn’t sell, which Michelle didn’t catch, was that someone in the full house is a serial killer, likely killing all those relatives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and other minor characters that showed up once or twice and then were never mentioned again. So they’re all probably buried in the back yard, and they can’t sell the house out of fear the new owner would dig them up and alert the police.

    Similar thing with Jesse and Becky moving into the house after their marriage. In Michelle’s mind, her crying is what convinced them to move into the attic. In reality, Jesse probably started fooling around shortly after becky finally gave it up, and only moving into the attic of his brother-in-law’s house was able to kill his libido and save their marriage.

    It all makes perfect sense, which is probably a major sign I’ve been thinking way too much about Full House lately.

  33. Rebbecca Donaldson’s fall from grace to becoming Aunt Becky as the final stage of her assimilation to the full house is the most tragic story since the Iliad.

  34. I started reading your blog from the beginning a couple days ago and it just keeps getting better. I’m looking forward to reading the rest.

    You have helped me realize why I ever watched the show in the first place, and that is because I was in love with Rebecca and dat ass.

  35. That screencap of Rebecca Donaldson crying is perfect. Part of her subconscious is aware she’s condemning herself to a lifetime of the full house’s lunacy, but she also knows she’s in too deep to pull herself back out now.

  36. I wish you wouldn’t give so much credit to the single-line characters. They’re all written by the same people.

    This episode was one of the worsts. It’s plot is crammed full of the stupidest occurrences. Jesse crushed like 10 tomatoes at best. And to further emphasize it was tomato country, they give that hick deputy a salt shaker and dirty tomato to suck on. Like fuck, just name his ass Tomato, paint in on the cars. The first hick was creepy as fuck. Reminded me of Pulp Fiction: the gimp part.

    The absolute most moronic idea these “clever” assholed elbow motherfuckers ever came up with was the reception at the house. OF COURSE IT’S AT THE FULL HOUSE. It’s ironic and what the fuck would it be if they didn’t do that? Where did people eat?!
    I’ll admit that I actually guiltily enjoy this show. Mostly for nostalgia, it’s what I grew up watching. Maybe it gave me a sense of hope that one day I could have that sort of family, god knows I prayed and prayed but whatever. (Sorry that I digressed.) I loathe that they couldn’t build a fucking reception hall backdrop. It would be the easiest shit. Fuck. Like FUCK!!!
    (Maybe the irony of the show is the writers purposely came up with the worst ideas and see how long they could get away with it.)

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