Season 4, Episode 3, “The I.Q. Man”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle reads Comet a bedtime story, then she tries to hide him in her bed but Danny finds him when he tucks her in.

Stephanie comes down with a cold so Michelle tries to help her out by putting some of the fried chicken that’s always in the refrigerator into the dog’s water bowl.  I just realized how ironic it is that the whitest family on planet Earth would have an endless supply of fried chicken in their refrigerator, but I’ll take it as one of the many hidden clues that this show is actually anti-white propaganda (if you look real close, you can see that Louis Farrakhan has an executive producer credit at the end).  I also like that we finally get to see the bucket that the chicken comes in, so if any of you were wondering where all that delicious fried chicken comes from, they get it at this great place in San Francisco called, “Chicken.”

Let’s hear it for production design!

The uncles get ready to go do a big pitch to a client but then they realize that they have to stay home because Stephanie is sick and THE FUCKING WATERS PART FOR ALL OF THE GIRLS IN THE FULL HOUSE!!!  Kimmie Gibbler comes over to meet DJ for school and the two of them invite the uncles to come in and present at career day next week.  The uncles  accept and then Danny tries to horn in on career day but the kids tell him that one kid got his aunt, Connie Chung, to come in and so by contrast Danny would be totally lame.  That’s what you get for sucking so hard at your job, Danny Tanner.  I never saw Connie Chung stammering and flailing around on her show.  Not once.

The uncles hold their presentation in Joey’s gross basement bedroom because Stephanie’s sick and also they probably tore down the set of their office from last season.  After the client tries to put the moves on Jesse, Joey begins their cologne presentation but it is immediately interrupted by Stephanie.

I know that she always interrupts everyone every time she enters a room, but this time she actually walks out right into the middle of the uncles presentation and declares that, “the sneeze juice is backing up into my ears!”  God Damn, wouldn’t this be the one time that someone reacted appropriately to her endless interrupting?  Can’t Joey just this once explain that he only needs like 5 fucking minutes to do his job before he’ll go back to doing whatever she wants all the time, so can she please not walk out right into the middle of his presentation and make a big announcement about what a disgusting pain in the ass she is?  But, no, of course not, he just stops what he’s doing and gives her some nose drops while the client sits there like, “what the fuck?”

So anyway, the uncles finally get to their presentation, which puts Jesse in the role of “the I.Q. man,” who’s like a fancy guy that wears the cologne that they’re trying to sell.  They go through a long routine and we find the uncles in one of their most homoerotic moments ever when Joey plays the love interest.  There’s a long take where John Stamos genuinely starts laughing and they left it in, I guess to show us just once that someone on this show had actual blood in their veins.

After the pitch is done, the client looks at them with disapproval and says,  “that made absolutely no sense…” and then, wait for it… wait for it… “it’s perfect…”  Oh!  I did not see that coming!  And I always react to stuff by emoting the opposite evaluation and saying something misleading before I unveil that my actual reaction is in stark contrast to my initial response, too.

Once the client agrees to buy the ad, they slip in real quick that Joey will be the director and then the client insists that Jesse play the I.Q. man in the actual commercial.  Jesse says he doesn’t want to do it so Joey tries to talk him into it before their boss, Mr. Malatesta, tells them they he’d better do it or he’ll fuck their shit up, at which point Jesse agrees.

DJ and Kimmie Gibbler tell Danny that it turned out that the kid who said his aunt was Connie Chung was a big fuckin’ liar and then Danny gets all smug and antagonistic about them crawling back to him.  Rebecca Donaldson quickly interjects by saying that she’ll be their career day guest so then the girls tell Danny to go fuck himself and for a second it seems like something actually kind of funny will happen on Full House, but then the girls ask Danny to come after all.  See, right there’s a big problem with Full House that I don’t think I’ve gotten to before:  no one ever gets their comeuppance.  Everything’s always so fuckin’ hunky dory at the end of every storyline, so we never get to see anyone eat shit.  Can’t we just once experience the cathartic joy of seeing Danny get dissed by his kid without there being some emotionally accommodating resolution at the end?  Why can’t this show ever just let me laugh at anyone’s pain?  This was just one lame, incidental subplot… most people wouldn’t even have noticed.  Well, shit.

So, just to be clear here:  Joey is the director of the I.Q. Man ad.  For reals?  I thought that these guys wrote radio ads.  I had no idea that Joey was also directing commercials.  Anyway, Jesse shows up to the set and gets all pissed because there have been a bunch of weird changes made to the commercial.  The client has decided to compound her sexual harassment campaign on Jesse by turning the commercial into her own personal whacking material, and so Jesse is being forced to perform his lines in a little towel.

As the shoot proceeds, Jesse gets more and more uncomfortable and talks to Joey about how he feels exploited.  Joey, being unable to comprehend normal human emotions, continues with the shoot unaffected.  The shoot proceeds to go as cartoonishly poorly as all the other film recordings we’ve ever seen on this show (which got me wondering why this show has such a blatant disrespect for television production until i realized that the answer was self-evident), complete with the client chasing Jesse around with scissors while she tries to cut his towel shorter.

Jesse eventually tell Mr. Malatesta that he’s not going to do the commercial and then when Mr. Malatesta gives him an ultimatum, Jesse quits.  He then says a bunch of stuff about partnership and stuff to Joey, who decides that he was being a butthole and quits, too.  And that’s it, the uncles have quit their jobs as jingle writers/directors/whatever for Mr. Malatesta.  It seemed pretty abrupt and unnecessary, especially since Mr. Malatesta always let them work from home and put up with them fucking everything up all the time, but considering that I had assumed that the uncles would just start new jobs without any mention of this career at all, I’m actually kind of impressed with the content of this episode.  I’m always talking about how this shows creators don’t give a shit about continuity and character arcs, but in this case I have to admit that they gave a little shit.

For some reason DJ is the MC of career day, so she excuses the previous presenter and then introduces Danny and Rebecca Donaldson.  Wouldn’t it be an adult’s job to do that stuff?  I’m not even sure if there’s a teacher in this classroom…  Anyway, Danny and Rebecca Donaldson’s presentation is totally fucking shitty so Kathy Santoni and the other kid’s just start asking them a bunch of questions about Connie Chung.  The total dud of a presentation is cut graciously short by the arrival of the uncles, but since they’ve just quit their careers, they don’t give much of a presentation, either.  Kimmie Gibbler deduces that they’ve lost their jobs and then the bell rings, leaving only the members of the full house alone in the classroom to talk about what happened.  Seriously, where’s the teacher?

The family all talk about the uncles quitting their jobs and Danny suggests that they go into business for themselves.  DJ passes on her freshly-learned knowledge about small business loans and the uncles decide to give it a shot.

Jesse and Joey are rejected for their small-business loan on the grounds that they are retarded.  Why do these guys even need a loan, anyway?  They just quit their lucrative advertising careers and they don’t even pay rent or anything.  What did they spend all their money on, balloon animals?  As if two well-off white men applying for a loan so they can continue to make way too much money doing something they’re terrible at wasn’t offensive enough, the whitest, corniest man of all resolves their trivial financial worries by handing them a big gigantic check that they didn’t earn.

Kill the white man.

47 thoughts on “Season 4, Episode 3, “The I.Q. Man”

  1. Heh. I remember this as the episode where Connie Chung is apparently a big deal, which turns out to be a fairly minor element of the plot.

    complete with the client chasing Jesse around with scissors while she tries to cut his towel shorter

    Sexual harrasement is funny if the girl is harassing the guy! Seriously, switch the gender of the characters and I don’t think even Full House would have featured the storyline.

    That said, a lot of my problems with that plot could have been solved by making the client hotter and Jesse’s reluctance to play ball tied more to his desire to be faithful to the equally hot Rebecca Donaldson.

    Jesse and Joey are rejected for their small-business loan on the grounds that they are retarded.

    Ha! Also, I love how Full House tries to be realistic (it would take some serious startup money to go into business for yourself) at the same time it’s being completely unrealistic (Danny writes a fat check for his loafing roommates who already don’t pay rent on the enormous house in San Fransisco).

  2. “There’s a long take where John Stamos genuinely starts laughing and they left it in, I guess to show us just once that someone on this show had actual blood in their veins.”

    Is there any possibility that that was really the first time anything on the show made someone genuinely laugh? So when it happened the director/editor had no idea what to do so they just kept it in?

    It’s funny how tame that shower commercial probably would have been compared to some commercials these days.

    Also, I’m surprised you failed to mention the fact that, whilst giving the check to Joey and Jesse, Danny sings “The Impossible Dream.” Or could you not write that part down for fear of reliving the horror?

  3. Oh man! I remember this episode really well.
    I remember being really conflicted though, part of me wanted to see Stamos act in a short towel, the other part of me (above my waist) thought “Good for him for not putting up with that shit!”

  4. Is that Sergeant Murtaugh in the background looking on while Jesse is being sexually harassed? The smug look on his face says it all, he’s too old for this shit.

  5. “The sneeze juice is backing up”—- you have GOT to be kidding me. That level of stupidity wouldn’t be acceptable in a 2 year old. Mucus may be asking too much. But “the boogers” “the snot” “the stuffiness”???? Could we at least PRETEND she’s, you know, reading at grade level?

    • I agree with you that a nine year old kid shouldn’t call phlegm “sneeze juice” and even on “The Brady Bunch” Jan Brady said she was all stuffed up when she had an allergy her mom and Alice thought was a bad cold. Stephanie could have said her sinuses were inflamed and that the fluid was backing up into her ears or something! Sneeze juice sounds like orange juice infected with germs!

  6. “I also like that we finally get to see the bucket that the chicken comes in, so if any of you were wondering where all that delicious fried chicken comes from, they get it at this great place in San Francisco called, “Chicken.””

    Oh god, this had me laughing. Was this pre-product placing, or could they just not find any sort of sponsor? Where the fuck do you buy a bucket of chicken that’s just labeled “chicken”? It’s even worse than the Full House cereal, “Oat Boats”. What kind of name is that? At least DJ wasn’t trying to sell “Cereal.”

    Also, I totally remember the Connie Chung thing, and that’s the only part of this episode I really recall. Maybe something about Jesse and a tiny towel? Do they actually show Jesse in the towel? I feel like I’d remember that, haha.

  7. Jesse and Joey are rejected for their small-business loan on the grounds that they are retarded.  Why do these guys even need a loan, anyway?  They just quit their lucrative advertising careers and they don’t even pay rent or anything.  What did they spend all their money on, balloon animals? 

    Best. Comment. Ever!!! Loving this blog!

  8. I bet even after Michelle put that fried chicken in the dog’s bowl, Uncle Jesse still ate it anyway, he’s a fuckin die-hard for that chicken.

    And if that career day scene would’ve dragged out longer I’m pretty sure Kathy Santoni’s mom would’ve been a Hooters waitress.

  9. I am amazed to see that in that screen cap of Michelle with the bucket of Chicken, she actually really looks like Stephanie used to when she was younger. Chin jutting out, a bit of a sneer, with the head tilted up the giant bags under her eyes are almost invisible!

    (regarding the generic Chicken bucket, I must confess that it looks to me like something Safeway would package their deli stuff in, so it doesn’t strike me as faked as you have described.)

  10. I love Jesse as the IQ Man- “I want to know if I can live with what I know, and only that.” I think it’s great they left in the part where he starts laughing.

    Has anyone ever noticed… when the sexual harasser lady wants Jesse to be the IQ Man in the commercial, she says like, “You’re hot” and he says “Nahh” but then you hear the audience collectively say “Yeahhh”??? I always found that funny!

    I LOVE this show and this blog. THANK YOU, billysuperstar!

  11. What time was this Career Day Presentation? If it was in the morning shouldn’t Danny and Rebecca be working? I guess as has been pointed out in this show the hours they need to be in for Wake Up San Francisco are bent to whatever works best for the plot.

  12. “The uncles hold their presentation in Joey’s gross basement bedroom because Stephanie’s sick and also they probably tore down the set of their office from last season.”
    How is this acceptable behavior? You have a business meeting at your house, which is weird in itself but fine. So the client shows up, walks THROUGH a perfectly good living room to go to the meeting in your bedroom?? What?! Have the meeting in the living room, not on your bed – ESPECIALLY if your room looks to have been decorated by a 7 year old boy!

    Another thing — Jesse and Joey show up in the middle of the career day festivities after being fired from their commercial job. So, seemingly, if they were to have kept the job, they would still be working on completing their commercial. And yet, they left in the middle of the commercial and STILL showed up late. Why, then, would they have agreed to come to DJ’s career day to begin with?

  13. The screencap of Joey and Jesse looking like they’re about to kiss is made RIDICULOUSLY creepy with the face of that goddamn mannequin in the background.

    • Yes, it is, Andrew! I do like it a lot on SNL when they all start laughing when one guy flubs his lines and a good example of this is the Disneyland/Debbie Downer/Lindsay Lohan skit!

  14. I’ve been reading your entries in mini-marathons over yesterday and today, and after all these episodes I find that screencap where Stamos is laughing really striking. It almost shocked me to see one of these bizarre automatons act like a real human being for even a moment.

  15. “There’s a long take where John Stamos genuinely starts laughing and they left it in, I guess to show us just once that someone on this show had actual blood in their veins.”

    I wonder if this is where Jimmy Fallon got it from.

    The part with Jesse in the towel is one of the first moments were I definitely, unquestionably remember this happening. I don’t think I really saw this show regularly, or don’t remember it until about the middle of its run.

    Did he have like a smoking pipe or something they were having him use as a prop? I remember the awkward physical comedy with the towel too…

    Expect I had forgotten that I remembered these things. Thanks a fucking lot.

  16. Y’know, I’ve been reading this blog off and on for the last week or so and I really do enjoy it. Don’t worry, Billy. Your self-inflicted torture isn’t for naught.

    However, being that I was a fan of the show and I knew this episode was coming up, and I so do enjoy your screencaps…where the hell is the one with John Stamos in the shower? I have to admit, he really was the only reason I watched this show as a young kid. I had the biggest crush on Uncle Jesse when I was eight. The rest of the cast could suck it.

    Keep it up, Billy. I’m kinda dreading the day that I’m done reading the archives and I have to wait every Friday like the rest of these readers.

  17. Once in a while, there needs to be a woman’s take on how freaking gorgeous John Stamos is, and this is one of those moments. Full House will always suck, but John Stamos will always be hot. The end.

  18. I love how in the full house universe, these two inexperienced assholes can magically have big-time ad agency careers where one week they’re session musicians making jingles, and the next week they’re fucking copywriters, or TV spot directors, or account execs, or whatever suits the story whims of these miller boyett fucktards.

  19. As much as this show sucks, you have to admit that Stamos is pretty goddamn dreamy and this episode highlights it really well. Next time this episode is on just do yourself a favor, mute it, and enjoy the pretty.

    One thing that did bother me about this episode is Jesse having the nerve to play the “I’m not a piece of meat” card after having hit on every big titty blonde chick that crossed his path. You know that if the commercial was for a women’s fragrance he’d have some chick in a thong doing it.

  20. Everything’s always so fuckin’ hunky dory at the end of every storyline, so we never get to see anyone eat shit.

    LMFAO yep therein the entire problem with this piss poor sack of shit show completely unrealistic PERFECT and everything always works out no matter what.

    This is some twilight zone shit here.

  21. I never saw Connie Chung stammering and flailing around on her show. Not once.

    The guests on her husband’s talk show? Totally different story.

  22. Jesse and Joey are rejected for their small-business loan on the grounds that they are retarded…….. this one almost made me lose it… one of your best lines.

  23. I’ve read this entire blog up to this point in like 4 days. I was born the same year as the Olsen twins and I have older siblings. Thus, I was practically born watching this shit. I remember identifying with Michelle’s first day of elementary school! Even though I was the same age as the Michelle character, when this show was on the air I already understood how contrived and manipulative it was. I remember asking why we were watching it explaining, “but every episode is the same. Someone gets in a conflict about something stupid and then the music comes on at the end and they get over it!” I literally had this figured out as a young young child.

    The thing that has prompted me to comment on this particular post is the fucking commercial with the towel!! Everyone talks about certain scenes etched in their memory. I remember Jesse running away from the woman trying to cut the towel shorter, and absolutely nothing else about this episode. It scares me to think that scene might be one my earliest memories now that I see how young the Olsen twins were when this first aired. Terrifying.

  24. This episode feels like it was literally written by a 7 year old.

    I’m guessing that the perfume ad was a spoof on the popular Calvin Klein Obsession ads of the late 1980′s. That’s something so dated in the time period that the reference is completely lost 25 years later.

    The thing that I keep noticing re-watching these episodes is that nobody is watching 4 year old Michelle during the day. Danny goes to work and Jesse and Joey do their advertising thing and I guess Michelle is just left home alone? And are we to assume that the 4 year old is taking care of a sick 9 year old?

    Even if Stephanie had gone to school, who would have watched Michelle? And why did they do the presentation in Joey’s smelly bedroom??

    And seriously are they really trying to imply that Joey is gay?

    I love the look of the black guy extra who’s looking straight into the camera on the commercial set, LOL.

    If Joey has the skills to be a commercial director why doesn’t he just do that for a living? So these guys are not only Ad men but they also star and film in the commercials as well??

    The career day at school is hilarious. The show is so damn cheap that they don’t even hire an actress to play a teacher so they have D.J. host the thing. Lol, why would some 8th grader host a career day? And then it seems like 50% of the career day speakers come from the Tanner house. And then afterwards everybody leaves while the Tanners stay in the classroom, LOL. Doesn’t D.J. have to get to her next class? Instead D.J. is going to talk about small business loans.

    Danny is usually so damn cheap. He won’t pay for D.J.’s phone and insists that she get a job baby sitting some bratty kid yet he has no problem giving thousands of dollars to two incompetents like Joey and Jesse?

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