Season 3, Episode 2, “Back to School Blues”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse and the baby play hide-and-seek and, gosh darn it, she just can’t seem to figure out the rules!

Starting with this episode, the opening theme song no longer includes the verses, “how did I get delivered here?  Somebody tell me, please.  This old world’s confusing me.”  I figure they were dropped to make room for precious, precious advertising, but it’s also feasible that it was to spare us from a few moments of the vocal stylings of that terrible Rod Steward knock-off that they always hired to sing the themes to Miller-Boyett shows.

DJ meticulously prepares her appearance for her first day of Junior High, although it looks more like she’s going to an Indigo Girls concert if you ask me.  Stephanie feels upset that she and DJ will no longer be going to the same school but DJ’s like, whatever, I’m all mature now so why don’t you just back up out my face?

Rebecca Donaldson arrives at the full house to give Danny a ride to work just as Kimmie Gibbler arrives to walk to school with DJ.  Joey gets off the phone and announces that his and Jesse’s boss has invited them to pitch their next ad campaign over a game of golf.   Joey quickly discovers that Jesse doesn’t know how to play golf and he gives him a bunch of shit about it.  Oddly enough, there was no mention of Joey ever being interested in golf himself before the previous episode, where it was his choice of activity in Hawaii.  It looks to me like the rich tapestry that is Uncle Joey is becoming that much more ornate.

Danny gives the girls their school lunches but Kimmie Gibbler explains to him that it’s fucking lame to bring your lunch in Junior High so he’d better just give DJ some money.  Danny’s like, here’s some money, DJ, and why don’t you just go ahead and eat the peanuts out of my shit, Kimmie Gibbler?  Rebecca Donaldson reminisces about all the ass she got in Junior High and Danny’s like, I know you’re giving me a ride to work and everything, Rebecca Donaldson, but hows about you shut yer fuckin face?

As DJ picks up her class schedule, she quickly discovers that Junior High is populated with catty, whorishly dressed girls in their 20’s.  She and Kimmie Gibbler feel even more out of place when Kathy Santoni shows up and they don’t even recognize her because she grew big ass titties over the Summer.  Although we’ve never seen her before, you may remember Kathy Santoni as the girl that the kid from the Never Ending Story 2 heartlessly dumped DJ for in Season 2, Episode 11.   Yeah, that’s right, I remembered that shit.

Michelle watches Joey prepare for Jesse’s golf lesson and utters her first annoying catch-phrase for the first time, “you got it, dude.”  Jesse shows up in a pink golf outfit, which is a pretty good set-up for the gayest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Seriously, this scene makes Kiss of the Spiderwoman look like Monday Night Football.  Jesse and Joey have straight up anal sex right on camera. I’m not sure if this is the first time they go all the way but I assume it is because it’s so romantic.  The most surprising thing about it is that Joey’s pitching, and he’s actually pretty rough, too.  That’s just never how I imagined that these two would get it on.

At lunch, DJ gets dissed some more by those girls in their 20’s and then she becomes the laughing stock of the whole cafeteria when it turns out that she’s wearing the same exact outfit as some crusty old teacher.  How humiliating!

I’m glad they made a point of how fucked up her outfit was because you just can’t ever tell with this show.  DJ becomes so embarrassed that she spends the rest of her lunch period sitting in the phone booth pretending to talk to someone.  Take that, DJ Tanner!

Danny gets mad that his lawn got all fucked up and soon discovers that it was due to Jesse and Joey’s golf practice, and I bet that rough ridin’ hardcore gay anal sex played a part in it as well.  Anyway, Danny doesn’t even really get that mad about it so it’s all kind of for nothing.  Speaking of being for nothing, it turns out that Jesse did a shitty ass job when they played golf with their boss but they got the account anyway, so what was the point of the golf subplot at all?

DJ and Kimmie Gibbler get all whored up before school so all their classmates wont treat them like shit anymore.  Stephanie tries to get in on their cosmetic get-together but they blow her off so she says, “how rude!”  That’s right, y’all, the catch-phrases are coming full force in Season 3!

So DJ tries to slip out of the house but Danny sees her and is all, how you bout to leave my house dressed like a cheap ass hoe?  DJ exclaims that Danny’s unwillingness to let her dress like a hooker is due to the fact he doesn’t want her to grow up.  Ironically, after making this point she storms off to her room like a big whiny baby.

Danny goes up to DJ’s room and instead of just telling her to wipe that shit off her face and take her ass down to school he has a heartwarming talk with her about growing up as gentle music plays.  Rebecca Donaldson shows up to give Danny a ride to work again and, upon viewing the situation, stops to teach DJ how to apply makeup in a way that doesn’t make her look like a whoreclown.  Well, gee, it’s a good thing that a woman showed up to teach DJ how to apply makeup!  What a fulfilling resolve.  Another thing that really bothers me is that DJ is supposed to be at school and Danny and Rebecca Donaldson are supposed to be at work while all this is going on.  Is the whole world really supposed to revolve around these kids fucking feelings?  Tell her that you’ll show her how to do it later but first she’d better clean up and go the fuck to school and then go host your fucking tv show.  I mean, really.

Firsts:  Kathy Santoni (Onscreen), Michelle says, “you got it, dude.”  Jesse and Joey go all the way

35 thoughts on “Season 3, Episode 2, “Back to School Blues”

  1. when it turns out that she’s wearing the same exact outfit as some crusty old teacher.

    Who really looks like she’s going to an Indigo Girls concert…

    Excellent job on the Jesse/Joey screencaps. It’s all just right there, isn’t it?

  2. “It looks to me like the rich tapestry that is Uncle Joey is becoming that much more ornate.”

    I just died. Seriously.

  3. OMG this is the episode that I couldn’t wait to read about!!!

    For some reason there was two year period when I idolized DJ Tanner and this episode is when it all began. The hair! The make-up! The positive female role model!

    Other great things about this episode:
    1. Kathy Santoni and her slut-factorness begins popping up on a regular basis after this episode.
    2. After Rebecca “Aunt Becky” Donaldson’s make-up tutorial (the trick is wearing make-up and making it look like your not wearing any make-up), DJ goes to school and takes over the lunch table with Kimmie and some other non-whore girls. She then takes over the mean girl role and ostracizes the whore girls. THEN she turns to the other girls at the table and totally get super bitchy about what the whore girls were wearing and their make-up. The episode ends with DJ passing along Rebecca “Aunt Becky” Donaldson’s make-up tips.

    Like I said, I bowed at the alter of DJ. Of course now I look back and laugh because I wear my make-up heavy, yo!

  4. “As DJ picks up her class schedule, she quickly discovers that Junior High is populated with catty, whorishly dressed girls in their 20’s.  She and Kimmie Gibbler feel even more out of place when Kathy Santoni shows up and they don’t even recognize her because she grew big ass titties” these are the best lines of the blog so far… Perfect

  5. There are so many great moments in this review. Especially about Jessie’s golf lesson with screen caps included and this:

    “As DJ picks up her class schedule, she quickly discovers that Junior High is populated with catty, whorishly dressed girls in their 20’s”

  6. I still think the screen cap from a few episodes ago was more gay (the one where Jesse has bedroom eyes and Joey is swooning).

    Where did Jesse get that outfit anyway? Did he already have it, or did he buy it special for the occasion (his and Joey’s consummation, not the golf outing)?

    • Oh, and also – last screen cap. I totally had those bed sheets. I think half the kids in the early 90′s did.

      They also make an appearance in Home Alone, I believe up in the attic room before everyone leaves without Kevin.

  7. As I’m reading this review, “1 vs 100″ on GSN just came on (the seasons where Bob Saget hosted), and even on here he’s trying (and failing) to be funny. These people just want to win the 1 million dollars. Shut up, Bob!

  8. My friend and I still talk about this episode, because it freaked us out about going to junior high. We really thought it was going to be populated by whores and 8th graders with mustaches.

    • My middle school actually was populated by whores and 8th graders with mustaches. I related to this episode well because I was as awkward as DJ. :;l

  9. here’s some money, DJ, and why don’t you just go ahead and eat the peanuts out of my shit, Kimmie Gibbler?

    FUCK I am dying over here. I really shouldn’t be reading this at 8 months pregnant I think I just really injured myself……

  10. Oh this episode is one of the many that is forever burned into my memory! I’ll be randomly, innocently sitting at my desk and for some reason I’ll think of DJ eating her pathetic little sandwich in the phone booth. Somehow it makes me feel better about my life….

  11. Watching this show is seriously the only thing I can remember about the first half of sixth grade. Now that you’re treating me to the chance to full on relive it, I don’t know whether to be deeply grateful or hate your guts (which is, of course, the same thing that I tell my crack dealer).

  12. Mrs. Agbabian is played by Lucy Lee Flippin, who had previously played another teacher (Eliza Jane Wilder) on Little House On the Prairie, from 1979-82.

    • I always thought the teacher’s name was Mrs. Donbobian (I never bothered to look up the actual name) so it looks even weirder since I would have never thought it was “Agbabian.”

  13. I am surprised the mustachioed student escaped this review. I noticed he was standing by the soda machine in the cafeteria laughing at DJ as she went to the phone booth.

    • pretty sure the mustachioed kid is the same guy who was the drummer in jesse’s band when he played on danny’s shitty show in season 2…

  14. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAH
    this website is seriously my new source of entertainment!!! And the screen caps of joey and jesse going at it?! That was hilarious!
    One more screencap that could be added was the one where kimmie opens her jacket to reveal her fake boobs! My god how embarassing that would have been for her ;D

  15. No mention of the fact that DJ describes her first day as “the worst day of her life”?

    The day her mom died must have been a close second.

  16. I still consider DeeJ eating her lunch in the phone booth and carrying on a conversation with the “Speaking Clock” the most pathetic school moment ever filmed for a television series, and this is a post Freaks And Geeks world we’re living in!

  17. The teacher who talks to DJ is from Little House On The Prarie as Eliza Jane

    I don’t blame DJ because like her I had a shitty ass first day of sixth grade

    Today though I laugh whenever I watch Full House because its so corney

  18. The most fun part of this website is trying to imagine what the dialogue was that he’s paraphrasing. For example, I’m pretty sure Rebecca doesn’t literally say she got a lot of ass in junior high.

  19. I swear, DJ’s dork getup looks exactly like something Dorothy would wear on The Golden Girls. I can easily picture her wearing it.

  20. The lunch lady was right though. That’s one fucking snappy outfit. Guy with the pedostache disagrees sadly.

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