Aw, is it the finale already?  It only feels like I watched about 10 billion episodes of this crap.  This one begins with the official opening of DJ and Matt’s shared pet clinic, and what could be more exciting than that?  Steve comes in and tries to salt Matt’s game, and I am once again perturbed by how much more intense the Matt vs. Steve situation is by DJ and Matt becoming business partners.  It stresses me out to even think about it.  Like, I just don’t see any way that DJ can get through this situation without it causing her a lot of problems.

Back at the fuller house, Kimmie Gibbler prepares to get remarried to Fernando the next day.  DJ’s like, why the fuck are you getting married so soon?  You guys just got engaged yesterday and Kimmie Gibbler tries to make sense of the whole thing by saying that she wants to join festivities with Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky, who are coming to the fuller house to renew their marriage vows, but that really just makes things more confusing.  First of all, why does the Fernando marriage have to take place 2 days after the Fernando engagement?  They could have easily stated that more time had passed between episodes.  Aren’t there logistics involved, like inviting people and figuring out where they’re gonna live and shit like that?  And how does saying that the ceremony will be linked up with Becky and Jesse’s serve as any kind of explanation?  We never heard about this vow renewal before, and why would they be doing it at the fuller house anyway?  The answer to all of these questions is, of course, because it’s the Season finale and all of this provides quite the spectacle.  And also, who cares?

Jesse and Becky enter the house and there is much hooting from the audience.  Kimmie Gibbler shows them upstairs and there’s an interesting moment where Jesse leaves Becky behind to carry all the bags herself.  This is one of those instances where they seem to be making an intentional effort to acknowledge what a fuckhead Jesse is.  His horrible husbandry usually went without comment in the original series and it wasn’t really clear how deliberate a creation it was, but moments like this allude to the creators doing it on purpose, or at least being aware of it.

Kimmie Gibbler sets her room up all nice so Becky and Jesse can get their fuck on in there, seeing as how it was their old room and all.  Kimmie Gibbler begins to explain to them that she and Fernando are gonna latch onto their ceremony and then Fernando enters and, despite his overdone accent, he manages to elucidate the situation to everyone.  Becky goes along with it because she’s used to having everything in her life ruined by a bunch of selfish assholes but Jesse is more hesitant.  Kimmie Gibbler offers him the “Kimmie Special,” which is a discounted event price, and then, to sweeten the deal, Becky offers him the “Becky Special,” which I’m pretty sure is a rimjob.  Incidentally, how much could this event even cost?  Sorry for spoilers, but they pretty much all just stand around in the backyard together.

Jesse’s big idea of romance is taking Becky into the kitchen to recreate the meal from their first date, which is, of course, from McDonald’s.  What a cheap piece of shit.  Becky is thrilled because she has learned to live a life of no expectations and she’s just happy that he made any effort at all.  DJ, Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler roll up and grab Becky so they can have a bachelorette party, leaving Jesse alone to watch the baby and give DJ’s oldest kid advice about how to bag Lola.  Jesse tells him to take advantage of Lola’s emotional state due to their being a wedding and then he uses the baby to demonstrate what moves he should use on Lola, which I don’t really know how to even begin to talk about.

DJ’s middle kid walks in and starts eating the food because why shouldn’t he just be able to come in and take whatever the fuck he wants?  Ramona also enters the scene and she tells everyone that she’s gonna move out once her parents get remarried, which she’s sad about even though there’s never been any indication that she likes living there.  DJ’s oldest kid is excited by this news because he’ll have his own room again but the middle kid aint havin’ it.  The scene ends with a really long shot of the baby trying to eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger.

The ladies all come home drunk and decide to call Michelle and leave her a message containing all of her annoying childhood catch phrases.  That’s what she gets if you ask me.  I hope the Olsen twins are plagued by people doing that in real life.  I really do.  Even though this doesn’t even qualify as a cameo, it was still more Michelle than I wanted to see on this show.  Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler laments the end of their fun, drunken ladies nights due to her getting married and then the focus turns to DJ and who she’ll take to the wedding.  She says that she wants to go by herself because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so, naturally, Kimme Gibbler calls Steve to invite him and Stephanie does the same thing with Matt, both without telling DJ.

As she prepares for the wedding, Kimmie Gibbler has a heart-to-heart with Ramona about leaving the fuller house. DJ’s oldest kid walks in and asks which tie he should wear in order to best attract Lola and then he refers to himself as, “J-Money,” which I really hate.  He’s been doing it all Season and I never mentioned it because I wanted to ignore it, plus I kept hoping it would be the last time it happened.  But, no, he just kept right on doing it. He also tells them that the middle kid is refusing to go to the wedding so Kimmie Gibbler goes to tend to his selfish needs.

The middle kid tells Kimmie Gibbler that he’s hella pissed about her and Ramona moving out and that he doesn’t give a fuck about her life outside of how it directly effects him.  Kimmie Gibbler offers him the job of ring bearer and this proposal to make the event at least partially about him is enough to get him to agree to participate.  Hugs ensue.

Steve and Matt show up for the wedding, as per usual about 30 seconds apart and as per usual without having seen each other outside first somehow.  The wacky circumstance of them both having been invited comes out in the open and then Matt and Steve talk about how stressful it’s been for them to both want to bang DJ so Matt offers Steve a Rolaid, which Steve endorses with the products catch-phrase.  This lead to a definitive conclusion on my part about deliberate product placement on this show, including the McDonald’s stuff from earlier, plus that weird Target plug a few episodes ago.  It’s always weird when shows make a joke about their product placements because it does not make up for the fact that they are still product placements.

Matt and Steve tell DJ that they’re sick of this shit and she needs to pick one of them already so she agrees to make a decision after the wedding, which seems like a pretty arbitrary time to me.  She might as well just be like, I’ll tell you at the end of the episode.  She then walks outside while holding hands with both of them and it kind of seems like they should just form a polyamorous unit.  I swear that this show is really all about polyamory.  It always has been.

The wedding takes place in the backyard and is officiated by Joey, who comes out in a hockey jersey that’s been turned into a robe, plus rollerblades, just to prove yet again what a giant dickhole he is.  One thing that would make this feel like a really satisfying finale would be if Joey died but, I’m sorry to say, it’s not gonna happen.  Man, I’d give anything if Joey died.

I would also like to point out that, aside from Matt and Steve, the only person at this ceremony who does not live in the fuller house is Lola.  Not one extra was hired for the ceremony.  Not one.

As the brides walk down the aisle, Stephanie sings some bullshit garbage song that she supposedly wrote and there are close-ups of everyone that are supposed to make us believe in love again or some shit like that.  DJ stares at Matt until Steve pulls her face towards him in this really creepy way.  Ramona stares at the baby, which doesn’t really make any sense at all, and Joey looks at Mr. Woodchuck.  I don’t know which is worse, having to look at a close-up of his stupid face or further evidence that he fucks that puppet.

Jesse and Becky exchange vows and then Fernando and Kimmie Gibbler do the same.  Joey asks them all to say, “I do,” and when it’s Kimmie Gibbler’s turn she runs away.  Ramona follows her into the house and they have a heartwarming talk wherein Ramona declares that she supports Kimmie Gibbler’s decision whether or not she remarries Fernando.  Kimmie Gibbler decides to go through with it and reenters the ceremony, only to run back into the house at the “I do” moment again.  Did I mention yet that this episode is super fucking long?  Anyway, this time DJ and Stephanie follow her into the house and they have a heart to heart with her and then she decides, again, to go back out and marry Fernando.  Don’t you love it when a sequence keeps repeating and it doesn’t move the plot forward at all?  I sure do!

Once again the “I do” moment arrives, and once again Kimmie Gibbler tries to run away.  This time, the wedding party blocks her escape and Fernando is finally like, what the fuck?  Kimmie Gibbler says that she likes living in the fuller house and doesn’t want to interfere with what seems like a fairly solid premise that will probably get renewed for a second Season.  In a shockingly sensible moment, she says that they should plan on being engaged for more than 2 days before getting married and allow for their relationship to build organically over time.

Jesse and Becky split and then DJ’s oldest kid walks Lola out and she gives him a smooch.  I guess that they’ve been building up to that for the whole Season but it still had a real who cares effect.  It may be because DJ’s oldest kid is so terribly uninteresting, but it probably also has something to do with the lack of tension or intrigue throughout this storyline.  Basically, he likes her and she seems like she may be interested in him, too, and then this happens.  That took like 10 episodes.

Matt and Steve wait for DJ in the backyard (I kind of like to think that they’ve been standing there like that for hours, and there’s no reason given to believe otherwise) and then she approaches them with Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler in tow.  They talk about this situation being similar to The Bachelorette, which has been kind of a running gag for a few episodes, and I can only assume that this scene emulates that show since I’ve never watched it.

After a series of long, drawn-out exchanges, DJ says that she chooses herself.  What!??!  She explains that it still hasn’t been very long since her husband died a horrible, gruesome, fiery death and she’s not ready to commit to anyone, which, much like the Kimmie Gibbler conclusion from a few minutes ago, is shockingly sensible.  Both guys agree to wait in the wings so that this love triangle can be drawn out for at least another Season, then the guys leave to go get a beer together.  They’re totally gonna have a sword fight in the alley after a few drinks.  I knew they’d end up together.

After the guys leave, DJ, Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie agree to continue their lives together, which are going pretty well without any husbands or serious boyfriends.  I actually thought this was a really good ending.  It’s like the show finally developed some admirable-or at least understandable-principles after 30 years.  It’s also a nice note to end on for me because there’s no fucking way I’m reviewing Season 2.  Sorry guys, I’m totally over this shit.  You can watch it and make fun of it all you want.  I’m done.

I’ll be back next week with a review of the Season as a whole and then that’ll be it for this whole blog, for reals this time.  If you’re interested in other dumb pop-culture garbage from me, there’s always Saved by the Bell Reviewed, a delightful podcast I do with several other hilarious geniuses, and you can support the 80’s TV Parody Adult Coloring Book, which is doing pretty poorly as far as crowd-funding campaigns go.  If this blog’s audience were more willing to support these kinds of projects, I might be more willing to keep reviewing this show.  There’s only one way to find out.

Stephanie plays her new song for the baby.  This whole Stephanie’s-burgeoning-singing-career storyline is pretty ill-conceived, but at least they never spend much time on it.  We don’t even have to hear her music because she’s playing it for the baby on headphones. I guess it’s supposed to be funny that she’s focus-grouping her stuff on a baby (plus aww, look, a baby with headphones on), but that doesn’t help the fact that it makes no sense.

DJ’s kids play Jenga and the older kid wins, partially by psyching out the younger one.  The younger kid begins to develop an inferiority complex and then, after he leaves to go sulk, Stephanie tells the older kid to let him win sometimes because she’s aware of the plight of middle children and doesn’t want to see him grow up to become a meth addict and then have a weird, paradoxical “comeback” by returning to his inescapable tv persona that prevented him from ever becoming something more.

DJ comes downstairs and tells Stephanie that she’s hella excited about going going out with Steve today.  This whole Matt vs. Steve premise got way weirder when DJ and Matt became business partners last episode and now I don’t know what to make of any of this.  Like, she should be free to date whoever she wants and take her time to make up her mind, but also she is dating her new business partner while also pursuing another guy, and that really seems like it just has to lead to a lot of problems.  Anyway, Stephanie tells DJ about the advice that she gave to the older kid and then they get into it about some 20-year-old Twister feud.  Naturally, a rematch is planned.

Kimmy Gibbler prepares a gigantic sandwich in the kitchen because she is an amazing woman and then DJ and Stephanie walk in and they all talk about all the hot dick that DJ’s been getting.

Steve walks in wearing a really cheap wig and a letterman jacket just in case you may have forgotten for one second that he was her high school boyfriend. The wig reminded me of a few previous jokes about how Steve’s hair isn’t as good as it used to be but he looks fine, really.  It’s shorter but he’s not like balding or anything.  Anyway, he plans a 90’s throwback date for DJ and himself and then, when she goes upstairs to get ready, he grills Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler about Matt’s penis size.

They tell Steve that it’s not the size of the wave, it’s the motion of the ocean and then he tries to shake his nervous feelings about maybe finally getting to see DJ’s tit after 20 years of waiting.  DJ comes down and puts on a slap bracelet, which was the most likable piece of nostalgia on this whole series (I’d rather have just watched people apply slap bracelets for 30 minutes once a week than sit through this crap) and then, as they’re leaving, they make an Alanis Moorisette reference and DJ says, “you know who that song’s really about” which I thought was a pretty decent meta-joke except that it conjured up the mental image of Dave Coulier getting his dick sucked in a movie theater.  Doesn’t it just seem totally incomprehensible that he’d even have a penis, much less any kind of sex?  He seems like he must have a smooth Ken doll surface instead.

Right after they leave, Steve comes back in and starts eating Kimmie Gibbler’s giant sandwich, and that is why I like him more than Matt.  I respect a man who appreciates a giant sandwich.

Kimmie Gibbler talks to a client on the phone in her room and then Fernando walks in and she just hangs up, abruptly.  Was she supposed to be done with the call?  It really doesn’t seem like she was.  Anyway, Fernando tells her that he has a bunch of surprises planned for her and then they start making out.

Ramona walks in and gets all excited about them getting back together and then they all hug and the audience goes, “aww.”  Ramona says that she’s going to tweet all her friends about it because that’s what all those damn kids that wont get off my lawn do, plus also I’m sure her friends can’t wait to hear about her parents reconciling.  That kind of news is all the rage in many 5th grade classrooms.  Anyway, Fernando tells Kimmie Gibbler that her surprise is a romantic scavenger hunt.

DJ’s older kid pretends to lose at Jenga and then the middle kid gloats like an asshole for about a full minute.  He leaves the room for maybe 2 seconds and then the older kid tells Stephanie that he won’t let him win again and then the middle kid comes back in because he heard what was just said.  Usually on tv shows people can say whatever they want the second another person leaves the room but in this one rare case the person in the other room could hear them.  I guess the way that sound travels on sitcoms is contingent on how it affects the plot.  Anyway, the middle kid feels all sorry for himself and the audience goes, “aww” and then right before he leaves the room again he says some self-pitying bullshit and the audience awws even more.

DJ and Steve come home and talk about how their nostalgia tour didn’t really work out and it seems like they’re going for a “you can’t go home again” kind of a thing but then it turns out that they aren’t at all.  Steve says that he’s going to make his “famous Steve burgers,” which sounds disgusting, and then Stephanie’s like, make me one but Steve is all, dang can’t you tell I’m trynna bang your sister?  Why do you even still live here?

Kimmie Gibbler goes into Ramona’s room to follow her next scavenger hunt clue and finds people stashed in Ramona’s closet.  What the fuck? How long were they supposed to be in there for?  They turn out to be a masseuse and a mani/pedi lady so it kind of seems like a nice idea except that I can’t get past how weird it is that those people were just waiting in the closet like that.  The closet being elevated makes it even weirder somehow, and the fact that there were 2 people in there.  I can’t think of a harder situation in which to try to make small talk.  Also, why’s she gonna have all this spa treatment in her kid’s room?  At the end of the scene her waxer comes in and even though she’s about to get a bunch of hair ripped out of her asscrack it’s still not as unsettling a concept as those people being stashed in the closet like that.  That really bothered me.

Stephanie approaches DJ’s middle kid in the backyard and gives him a very special talk about how younger siblings sometimes surpass their older ones, using the Wahlberg’s as a model.  I guess he’s consoled and that’s more or less the end of that pointless premise.

Steve pours way too much wine into DJ’s glass because he’s really willing to do anything at this point to see that tit.  He does a really awkward and poorly staged over-the-shoulder pepper grinder throw as he prepares the burgers and the audience hoots for it like it wasn’t totally unimpressive.  They talk about the movie Ghost (remember that movie???) and start singing “Unchained Melody” while they mix ground beef with their hands, a la the pottery scene, and it’s fucking disgusting.

I like burgers more than probably any human being who has ever walked the earth, but this romantic handling of raw meat is almost as unsettling as 2 people being hired to stand in a closet as a romantic surprise.  What the fuck is going on around here?  They don’t even wash their hands at the end, even after they start making out.  It’s awful.

Anyway, Steve wonders if he isn’t trying too hard and DJ’s like, yeah, it might really help to develop your character if you said or did one thing that wasn’t a 90’s throwback.

DJ’s middle kid barges in with no concern or interest in the fact that her mom is making out and he starts demanding to be fed.  Steve decides to change the evening plan by ordering pizzas for the whole family and I’m really confused about why they can’t still eat the burgers.  Also, he high fives the kid even though he never washed his hands after handling all that raw meet, surely giving him salmonella.

Steve wrestles DJ and her kids in the back yard and then Stephanie comes out and challenges DJ to a Twister rematch.  DJ’s pants rip after a few moves so Steve covers her ass up for her, then DJ tells Stephanie that she ate garlic and onion pizza and starts breathing in her face.

Naturally, Stephanie immediately falls over, losing the game after 3 moves.  Much like many of the Stephanie subplots, that was pretty weak and ill-conceived, but at least it didn’t take up much time.

Fernando and Kimmie Gibbler enter the backyard and Fernando starts to serenade her with a song that he wrote himself.  I’d kind of stopped reacting to what a blatant, over-the-top Latin stereotype he is, but the way that he wiggled around while he was singing in his exaggerated accent reminded me that I should probably find this all very offensive.  Adding to his cartoonish presentation, Fernando becomes too overwhelmed with emotion to continue his song and coerces Stephanie into completing it while he weeps on the sidelines.

Shit gets way more bizarre as Fernando directs Stephanie’s performance, forcing her to be more sensual with Kimmie Gibbler as he continues to quiver and cry.  I kept waiting for the reveal that this whole scavenger hunt premise was just a cover-up for this weird jerk off fantasy that he’d created and nothing really happens that would totally disprove that theory.  The climax of the scene is Fernando pressuring Stephanie to kiss Kimmie Gibbler.  She hesitates but then Kimmie Gibbler really plants one on her, which makes the audience go wild.

DJ seems the most shocked by this moment.  She doesn’t seem outraged, but I bet she wouldn’t blame someone for refusing to make them a wedding cake, either.  This was one of the few things about this show that I couldn’t avoid hearing about and, now that I’ve seen it, I don’t have a very strong opinion.  I guess it’s sort of progressive.  I mean, I remember when they showed women kissing on tv for the first time on Roseanne when I was a kid and there was a viewer discretion warning at the beginning, so seeing it on a show like this kind of points to the fact that we’ve come a long way.  It’s really just a gag, though, and not really making a statement or anything, so it doesn’t serve much purpose beyond providing a visual for Fernando to jerk off to later.

At the end of the song, Fernando gets down on one knee and hands Kimmie Gibbler divorce papers, and everyone’s like, whaaaaaaa?!!?  It’s kind of hard to describe what happens next because it’s so fucking bizarre, but I will try.  Fernando puts a big rubber glove on Kimme Gibler’s hand and then he whistles, conjuring up an incredibly poorly made composite shot of a falcon flying down around some San Francisco rooftops.

Fernando says that the falcon is a metaphor or something and then grabs a ring from around its neck and proposes to Kimmie Gibbler.  She says yes and then everyone hugs, including those poor people that had to stand in the closet earlier.

Steve says goodbye to DJ but then they start to make out on the couch and then Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler stand around gawking at them.

Who’s gonna get to touch DJ’s tit?  Will it be Matt or Steve?  I guess that next week’s the finale, so either we’ll find out then or there’ll be some lame cliff hanger and I’ll have to look it up on Wikipedia in 3 years when I’m having insomnia.

Only one more episode until this shit is done!  In the interim, I must once again urge you all to support my Kickstarter project, The 80’s TV Parody Adult Coloring Book.  I think it’s a really good project, plus also it would be nice to feel supported by all of my beloved readers.

Ramona practices her sweet, contemporary dance moves in her room until the baby crawls in, all wrapped up in toilet paper.  There used to be a lot of throwaway gags on the old show about the baby doing all sorts of unsupervised activities and I always felt like that was something that you couldn’t really get away with portraying in a humorous light on a tv show anymore, but I guess that I was wrong.  Anyway, DJ’s middle kid starts shouting (like, beyond his standard method of shouting) about how he’s gotta take a fat ass shit and there’s no toilet paper because the baby is crawling around wrapped up in it for no discernible reason.  DJ’s kid starts pulling toilet paper off of the baby but he keeps deciding that it’s not enough because he’s about to drop a real record-breaker in there and then finally he just grabs the whole baby, presumably because a baby covered in toilet paper is the only effective tool for scraping all the leftover shit from his asshole after the monumental dump that he’s about to take.

Stephanie comes home from a night out as DJ prepares for work.  Gosh, they’re sisters but they’re so different, and yet they still find a way to love and understand one another.  Stephanie says that she’s enjoying a flash of fame after her baseball game breakup from last episode so lots of strange men are trying to bang her.  Stephanie then asks DJ about how her Steve vs. Matt love triangle is going and there’s an awful lot of exposition here, especially for a show that’s released all at once and is probably binge-watched by most people, not to mention the fact that the storylines we’re being caught up on are pretty simple and easy to remember.  There’s also a joke about The View, and if I’m not mistaken it’s because Candace Cameron is on that show.  Is that right?  I refuse to look it up.

Kimmie Gibbler comes downstairs and tells DJ that she’s all prepared for her bosses retirement party that evening.  Man, they’ve really gotten a lot of mileage out of Kimmie Gibbler’s party planner job.  DJ says that the party theme has to be changed at the last minute because her boss has decided to retire to an ashram in Mumbai and then the audience laughs.  That’s not even a joke, it’s just information.  Anyway, the party needs to have an Indian theme at the last minute and it’s really important that everything goes just perfectly because DJ is pretty sure that her boss is going to put her in charge of the pet clinic when he retires, which would fulfill her lifelong dream.  It makes a lot of sense that his decision would be contingent on the quality of this party.  I hope this goes without a hitch, guys.  I really do.  Kimmie Gibbler’s like, I’m gonna need some help if I’m gonna change a whole party at the last minute and then DJ’s all, you should hire Stephanie because she’s unemployed and just loafs around all day before going out at night to take molly and spread gonorrhea.

Kimmie Gibbler interviews Stephanie for the job and they do a bit where she checks her references by calling DJ, who’s standing about 10 feet behind them, and it’s sort of a little bit funny.  Kimmy Gibbler decides to hire Stephanie and then she tells her to go to Target and buy all of their Indian-looking products, of which I’m sure there are many.

Ramona and DJ’s oldest kid take DJ’s computer and try to illegally watch R-rated movies on it but they contract some sort of virus.  Has anyone ever actually gotten a computer virus that looked like this?  It’s an incredibly outdated representation, but it’s also one that wasn’t true to life even when it was being used all the time.

The kids somehow automatically know that it’s going to cost $100 to get rid of the virus, which is more than they have.  All of a sudden DJ’s middle kid appears and is like, I got mad funds, son.  They try to do this routine where he appears by spinning around in a chair and he’s supposed to have this James Bond Villain-esque vibe but the kids physicality is just so bizarre that it barely reads.  What’s up with this kid?  He’s got a little bit of charisma in there but he also has this really unnatural quality, like he’s too fidgety and unfocused to fully commit to anything.  Like, this spinning in the chair bit almost works but then the way that he’s sitting is just so weird that you can’t stop thinking about how you’re watching a little kid try really hard to perform on a tv show.

Down at the pet clinic, Matt asks DJ to talk to him in the only set that’s not the front waiting room and then they go in there and start making out.

DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad walks in and Matt starts hugging him even tho I’m sure he must have a boner.  DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad says that he’s handing the clinic over to Matt and that it wouldn’t have happened if Matt didn’t wanna bang DJ so bad that he moved to San Francisco, so not only does DJ have to be passed over for her dream career that she worked really hard for, she is also made to feel like she brought it on herself.  Dang.

DJ and Matt are left alone and she’s like this shit fucking sucks ass.  He’s like, I do have a lot of experience so this isn’t just like completely blatant nepotism (I’m kind of glad that they included that detail because it makes the situation make more sense) and then DJ exhibits how qualified she is to run the clinic by taking the rest of the day off to go home and pout.

DJ’s kids and Ramona convene in the boy’s room and the middle kid continues to fall short of a likeable delivery for all of his lines.  It turns out that he’s accumulated a giant ziploc bag full of cash so he loans them they money they need, on the condition that they have to do all sorts of terrible stuff for him all the time until they pay him back.  Then he makes them rub his feet.  Man, that situation got real bad, real fast.  I also think it’s weird that these kids are handling cash in order to fix a computer problem.  Are they gonna go down to the bank to deposit the cash and then pay for the computer fixing software with their debit cards?  How is this all supposed to work exactly?

Kimmie Gibbler comes home and asks Stephanie how her shopping trip went and then Stephanie drums up some ad revenue for the show by saying how great Target is.  Stephanie says that she thought of a great addition for the party and I’m sure you could have guessed that it would be a cow.

Add a cow to the long list of weird shit that’s been in the kitchen.  A horse.  A car.  The Beach Boys.  Now a cow.  The kids all come down and they’re like oh damn there’s a cow in the kitchen how about that? And then DJ comes home and everyone decides all together all at once that it’s really important that DJ does not see the cow and hijinks ensue, you guys.  They really ensue.

The try-to-keep-a-family-member-from-seeing-something routine is one that has occurred on Full House more than a lot of times.  Well, here it is again.  DJ comes in and talks about how she got fucked over at the pet clinic and then, as the family all stand in a weird formation and make cow noises and stuff, she wonders if she shouldn’t just start her own clinic.  I guess maybe DJ is too involved in her own thoughts to notice her family doing a horrible job of concealing a big ass cow from her.

Anyway, eventually she sees it and it doesn’t even end up being that big of a deal.

Next, we see the Indian themed party.  This party makes a lot of sense because I know that I would love for my send-off to another country to be a terrible representation of it.  Who wouldn’t?  DJ’s middle kid makes Ramona and the older kid wheel him around and fan him and stuff because he’s a rotten piece of shit.  Why don’t they just tell DJ what they did?  Would the consequences be nearly as bad as this?

DJ enters the party with the baby and Matt comes over to her like damn girl you lookin mad fly and then DJ tells him that she thinks that she’s going to leave to start her own clinic.  He’s like wait let’s talk about this but of course that very second his dad grabs him and makes him go up on the stage to address the crowd.  DJ’s boss/Matt’s dad says some stuff to the party crowd and then he gets DJ to say a few words and she’s like this is some bullshit around here, Ima start my own clinic.

Kimmie Gibbler appraoches Stephanie and she’s like, this party is a shitty failure what are we gonna do? and then Stephanie is like, I got this.

I can’t say that I was hoping that there’d be more Stephanie dance routines, but, oh well.  She starts busting some moves and then all of a sudden the entire party launches into a choreographed dance routine, which just doesn’t make any sense at all.  Regardless, the whole party dancing together for a solid minute equals it is now a big success, and everyone rejoices.  I know that whenever I got to a party and it kind of sucks but then we all do the exact same dance (that we all know somehow) for about a minute, afterwards I’m always like, damn, that was a really good party.

DJ’s Boss/Matt’s Dad thanks Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie for putting together such a great party and I’m pretty sure he does an offensive Indian stereotype voice but it’s kind of hard to tell because he’s not very committed to it.  I think that he did it earlier and I wasn’t quite sure what I saw then, either.  It’s like the guy playing the part kind of knows that it’s shitty to do a voice like that but he’s not gonna pass up a paying gig over it so he just kinda half-assed it.  Or maybe he’s just really bad at it.  Anyway, DJ and Stephanie realize that they work well together so Kimmie Gibbler hires Stephanie as her party planning assistant.  Wow, I can’t wait to see more of this partnership!

DJ’s middle kid tells the other kids that he realized that he was being a piece of shit so he’ll stop forcing them to do stuff for him.  That’s the end of that subplot.

Matt approaches DJ and he’s like, all these wacky situations kept getting in the way but I’ve been trying to ask you if you’d be my partner at the clinic.  DJ’s like, isn’t it a terrible idea to go into business with someone that you just started dating? and even though the the answer is definitely yes, she decides to do it anyway.

No, but seriously though, that’s a really bad idea.

In other exciting news, I just launched a Kickstarter project! It’s an adult coloring book based off of 80’s tv shows that I am drawing with my podcasting partner and fellow cartoonist Carolyn Main.  You may be shocked to learn that I drew an image representing Full House to launch the project.  Check it out, and support it financially!

After a healthy dose of baby and dog exploitation to get the crowd going, the doorbell rings and everybody in the house excitedly rushes to the door.  Some helpful exposition is delivered which informs us that Stephanie has been dating Hunter Pence, who is one of the San Francisco Giants.  Is this guy like a famous sports guy or is he just some lame sports guy that they got because they couldn’t get a better one?  I don’t know enough about sports to evaluate this guest star.  This could be really impressive for all I know.

The family all loom around Hunter Pence and take pictures of him and stuff while he provides stilted delivery of a bunch of one-liners.  There’s a bit about how he eats pizza with a fork that he keeps around his neck that I thought was kind of ok, but other than that they’re just photographing him and bringing up factoids about his career and shit like that.  Hunter Pence gives everyone tickets to his next Giants game and we learn that Stephanie will be singing in front of the stadium during the seventh inning stretch because of course she is.  How much do you wanna bet that she’s not the only member of this family that finds a way to ruin the game for everyone else in the stadium?  At least they have her singing in a slightly modest capacity.  She’s not doing the national anthem or anything.

Because free baseball tickets are not enough, DJ’s middle kid gets all whiney and asks Hunter Pence to hit him a foul ball during the game so he’ll have something to share for show and tell at school.  Rather than point out that show and tell is a tremendously outdated concept and even if it was still a thing it’s not his problem whether or not some shitty kid whose aunt he bangs has something to show to his stupid classmates, Hunter Pence provides a very reasonable explanation about how he’s in kind of a batting slump so he can’t guarantee whether or not he can hit a ball to an exact location within a large stadium, but he’ll try his best.  Stephanie wonders if she isn’t some sort of succubus whose maelstrom vagina is robbing him of his baseball prowess and then it turns out that there are a lot of internet rumors going around about this very theory.  The family all proceed to give Hunter Pence unsolicited batting advice that would really irritate  a working professional and then he attempts to make a gracious exit but Matt walks in and starts giving him even more advice.

Matt picks up his baseball ticket from DJ and then she’s like hey also I need to talk to you outside so they go out on the porch and she starts tugging all up on his junk.  The audience does some serious whooing.

DJ comes back into the house and the whole family is waiting for her because they don’t care about privacy at all.  DJ’s kids approach her and she worries that they might object to her dating Matt, what with their father’s recent, tragic death and everything, plus the fact that it might make for some plausible and meaningful tension and/or drama, but the kids are just like yeah that’s fine.  DJ checks in with every single member of the house and they all say that they don’t give a shit if she dates Matt but then she realizes that she still has to tell Steve, who will probably cry like a sorry ass bitch because he’s been trying to get at that for 20 years and now he’s about to get passed over.

Steve and DJ come back from walking their dogs together and I realized that the backyard set is really different than it was in the original series.  I guess that’s why I was confused when they had a party back there in an earlier episode.  I know that’s not very interesting but I noticed it so there.  Steve wants DJ so bad that it’s kind of disgusting and then she declares that they should have a talk.  She opens with how they’ve been spending a lot of time together lately and I’m glad that she mentioned this piece of information because we, the audience, have not seen this at all.  Steve’s like, DJ, I’m so into you that I could chain you to my radiator or cut you up and drive around with your pieces in the trunk of my car and DJ is like aw Steve that’s sweet and then he starts smooching on her.

Even though Steve is kind of desperate and overbearing, his smooches bring about a special wetness that DJ hasn’t felt since Model’s Inc was cancelled.  She goes inside to tell Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler about it but they already know because they are creepy peepers.

DJ realizes that she just smooched 2 guys on the same day, which is the Full House equivalent of banging a whole football team, so she decides that she’d better hurry up and settle down with one of these fellows.  She reasons that Matt is moving away soon so she’d better pick Steve, who has more long-term potential.

After a bunch of delightfully time-consuming footage of the baseball stadium, we cut to some actual on-location scenes of the family at the game.  Not content with free front-row seats, Kimmie Gibbler brings a bunch of advertising material for her event planning business to impose onto the unsuspecting crowd.

DJ’s oldest kid asks for money for stadium food but Matt’s all, don’t you know I’m trynna fuck your mom? and hands him his credit card.

Lola makes an elaborate food request and Ramona does DJ’s kid a solid by being like, he can’t remember all that shit, why don’t you just go with him?  For those of you who may not recall, DJ’s oldest kid hella wants to bang Lola.  He is like the Steve to her DJ, except way less interesting.

Hunter Pence goes up to bat and he makes a very sexual hand gesture at Stephanie.  An irate baseball fan notices and starts to boo Stephanie because he deduces that she’s the one that’s supposedly causing Hunter Pence to suck at baseball.

Immediately afterwards, Hunter Pence strikes out.  Maybe this is all because she gave him syphilis and it’s corroding his brain.  That’s my theory.  Or maybe it’s just a coincidence.

At a stadium merch shop, Lola ogles a really expensive souvenir jersey so DJ’s oldest kid decides to buy it for her with Matt’s credit card.  I can’t decide if DJ’s oldest kid is to blame for taking advantage of the situation or if Matt should blame himself for giving a horny 12-year old his credit card but either way, the purchase gives Lola a ladyboner.

The weirdest part is that the cashier is suspicious about the kid using a credit card to make this expensive purchase but he doesn’t stop him or even ask for ID or anything.

Ramona gets all butt-hurt about being ditched by Lola after being a pretty solid wingman for DJ’s boring kid and then DJ’s other boring kid bitches and moans about his stupid fucking foul ball problem.  Man, it would really suck to take these kids anywhere.

Matt tells DJ that he’s gonna move to San Francisco so he can continue to have non-threatening sexual chemistry with her, which makes her even more conflicted about the Matt vs. Steve situation.  Her middle kid continues to whine about catching a foul ball but then, right after Stephanie mentions how implausible such an occurrence would be, Hunter Pence hits one right to him.  Just as he’s about to catch it, the same irate baseball fan that scowled at Stephanie earlier catches the ball and starts to tell DJ’s kid about how life is hard and you don’t get what you want most of the time, which really must be the first time that this kid has heard this kind of thing in his whole life. Actually, all of the people from the full house must be getting a real news flash right about now.

DJ’s oldest kid takes Lola up to some romantic lookout spot and talks her into letting him put his arm around her, which by 12-year-old Full House terms is like going all the way.  What a baller!

Kimmie Gibbler and Romana do some guerilla advertising for Kimmie Gibbler’s business, which gets them thrown out of the stadium.  Feeling as though the crowd hasn’t been through enough, Stephanie comes out onto the field to sing.

The irate baseball fan immediately starts booing her and I felt conflicted because his behavior seemed pretty unnecessary and yet, it sure was nice to see her get booed.  In some ways you might even call this man a hero.

The crowd turns on Stephanie’s incredibly cheap looking greenscreen performance (like, they couldn’t even position her so it looked like she was standing on the field?  They really had to put her at the bottom of the screen like that?) and then she asks them if they want her to break up with Hunter Pence, which they do.  She calls their relationship off in front of everyone and then has an emotional outburst that leads to her being escorted away by security and you’d think I’d be used to how hard these people ruin every event that they go to by now but this was kinda some next level shit.

The Kiss Cam comes on and DJ and Matt show up on it but she kisses her annoying kid instead.  Since everything that ever happens has to be about these fucking people, the camera repeatedly cuts back to DJ and Matt until she finally kisses him.  Naturally, we learn right at this moment that Steve is also at the game so he sees the whole thing.  He couldn’t even be watching it on tv.  He had to be there.

As the family leave the stadium, Hunter Pence goes up to bat again and hits a game-winning home run which of course DJ’s stupid fucking kid catches because there’s just no way that he was going to learn a lesson about unreasonable requests or not getting what you want all the time.

By the way, that’s the last we’ll see of Hunter Pence.  What an odd story they gave him.  It feels totally unresolved, but that’s really the end of it.

Back at the fuller house, Lola apologizes to Ramona for breaking the chicks before dicks rule and then she asks DJ’s oldest kid what the repercussions were for spending all of that money on Matt’s credit card but there’s not much to report.  I guess Matt wants to bang DJ bad enough that he’s willing to get ripped off by her kid.  Well, that was a great subplot.

Steve shows up and then Matt comes over about 5 seconds later.  People always arrive at the fuller house in rapid succession, and yet they never seem to see each other outside first.  Anyway, both of the guys are like what the fuck, DJ, which one of us can claim you as our rightful property?  DJ says, “this is the second time today you guys were in the same place at the same time” and I’m pretty sure that she was talking about her vagina.

DJ fumbles through a reasonable explanation of how this all came about but the two guys are too busy sizing up each other’s dicks the whole time.  Matt refers to the undeniable chemistry of their first kiss and then we get a flashback of it because it was like 2 whole episodes ago.

The only thing that could make a flashback from such a recent moment any weirder would be having the actors poorly superimposed over the scene, making comments about it.  It looks as bad as when Stephanie sang at the baseball game, and it doesn’t even make any sense or add to the story at all.  We also get a flashback of DJ and Steve at their prom, which is also pretty unnecessary but at least it didn’t JUST happen so it’s a little more appropriate.

It sort of feels like they decided to have the Steve flashback in there, which is kind of understandable, but then they wanted to balance out the sequence so they added the Matt flashback from a few episodes ago, but since it was such a recent scene, they thought that they could do something interesting with it by adding superimposed commentary from the characters but then they couldn’t think of anything clever for them to say or do so the whole thing just ended up being a big waste of time.

DJ’s finally like, I’m just trying to get back into dating for the first time after my husband’s fiery death so this is like too much bullshit to deal with and then the guys both agree to stop competing for her for like 10 seconds before they get right back into it.  They both make date plans with her and then they try to smooch her at the same time, which results in them accidentally smooching each other, which was kinda magical.  Wouldn’t it be great if Steve and Matt ended up together at the climax of all this.  Oh what a climax that would be.

Both guys go home and then Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler come in and are like damn, everybody’s trynna stick it to you, DJ, and that’s the end.

Although all the baseball game stuff really brought out the worst of this show, what with all the “let’s ruin a public event for everyone but us” bullshit that happened, I do think that this overarching narrative is actually sort of interesting.  My natural inclination is to want DJ to end up with Steve because he’s proven to be as corny and wholesome as she is and they have a whole history together.  On the other hand, he’s also sort of desperate and creepy and Matt seems to be the more fuckable of the two, so who knows?  I’m almost a little bit interested to find out what happens.

Aunt Becky comes downstairs to greet the family for breakfast and the audience loses their minds.  I’m not sure if it’s because this is the return of an original cast member or because of the way that her ass looks in profile.

Oh, Aunt Becky’s ass, you’ve aged like the finest of wines.

DJ delivers a few lines of exposition about how Danny came by the house before the Wake Up, San Francisco reunion and now Becky is there after, but they really don’t explain why their time there is divided up like that.  Wouldn’t they be there for the reunion at the same time?  Well, whatever.  They start up a bit about Becky sounding all insane while she talks to the baby that’s sort of a holdover from the series’ pilot and will carry on throughout the episode.  Apparently Becky’s menopausal uterus never met its quota.

DJ’s middle kid suddenly appears and starts yelling about how there’s something really cool in the living room.  He really does just appear out of nowhere.  It’s really oddly edited.  Actually, a lot of moments with this kid have quick edits, like they get a moment that they like from him but he fucks it up right after delivering the line or something, so they just cut it real quick.  This one’s extra weird, though, because it looks like he jumps out from behind the counter.

The moms all go into the living room to discover that a thousand flowers have been delivered to the full house.  I guess that’s a romantic gesture and everything but, like, think about what it would be like once all those flowers started wilting.  It would be a huge pain in the ass to get rid of them.  Anyway, Nobody can find the card because the dog sneaks away with it (no fooling!) so everyone is left to speculate about where they came from.  Kimmie Gibbler assumes that they’ve been sent by Fernando as a reconciliatory gesture but Stephanie thinks that they could be for her, but she remains unsure of whether they’re from the guy that she recently contracted syphilis from or the guy that she recently gave syphilis to.  DJ wonders if they’re from Matt but concludes that they couldn’t be because that would really be an over-the-top gesture, given that they just made out one time.  Then it’s hypothesized by the group that they could be from Steve, who is more desperate than ever, after all these years, to finally see DJ’s tit.

Becky calls Steve and hands DJ the phone, which was a pretty dickish move, and then I had a really hard time hearing anything that Steve said on the phone because he’s at his podiatrist job and the fake foot that they’ve got him working on is really distractingly fucked up looking.  Regardless, I was able to take in that the flower sender guy was not Steve.  That’s right, you guys, he’s never gonna see that tit.  Never.

With the mystery of who sent the flowers looming larger in the fuller house, Becky declares that she cannot leave until it’s solved.  She says that her marriage has run out of excitement so she needs to live vicariously through this event, and then she starts talking to the baby in a baby voice about how she always has to unload the dishwasher because Jesse won’t do it.  This is only a small glimpse into how badly being married to Jesse for all these years has fucked her life up.  It is only the tiniest of glimpses, and yet is so very hard to watch.

Ramona comes home with her friend, Lola, who DJ’s oldest kid has a real raging boner for, and Lola greets him with, “hi, dude.”  Ramona takes DJ’s kid aside and tells him that being called “dude” means that he is now in the friend zone, and therefore has Steve-level chances of ever gettin’ to second base.  After a thread of logic that I was unable to follow, DJ’s oldest kid decides that he will make Lola an offer of 1,000 M&M’s so she will finally learn to see him as more than friends.  I can’t really evaluate the quality of this logic because I was just completely lost.

Down at the pet clinic, Matt confronts DJ, letting her know that he really wants to get all up in that sweet puss puss, and he’s willing to pay for a dinner to make it happen.  DJ agrees to go out with him and then he makes a passing remark about how she didn’t mention the flowers that he got her, which DJ assumes to mean that he is the 1,000 flower sender guy.  I mean, it’s a pretty reasonable deduction, based on what’s presented.  She decides that he’s a big creep, which, all things considered, is kinda fair, really, and then she fakes a tooth injury in order to break the date.  Although I can understand her desire to get out of this obligation, this was a pretty weasely way to do it.

There’s a really brief scene of DJ’s oldest kid finishing his count of 1,000 M&M’s and then we see Stephanie on the phone, talking to the last potential guy who may have sent the roses for her.  When she finds out that she is not the recipient of the flowers, Stephanie wonders if she’ll ever find a real relationship, and then she gets a text from someone who she claims is her husband.  When Becky’s like, “your whaaaAAAAAaaat!??!” we get a flashback of the episode where Stephanie gets pretend married to her little Asian friend Harry.

The clip is pretty great because it’s long and I don’t feel obligated to describe it since I reviewed the whole episode like 4 years ago.  The only thing I feel compelled to mention is the weird blurring effect they do over the edges of the frame, presumably because the old show had a different aspect ratio.  Or maybe it’s artfully done, to make it feel more like a memory.  Yeah, that’s why.

So, anyway, Stephanie gets a vague text from Harry, which she decides must mean that he is the one who sent the roses.  She wonders if she shouldn’t give Harry a chance after all these years and tries to talk herself into being interested (always a good sign), finally reasoning to Aunt Becky that, “he was a lot of fun in bed.”  Becky is shocked by this statement but Stephanie clarifies that she is referring to how they used to jump on her bed together, which is a pretty forced innuendo.  It’s also pretty weird to see how shocked Becky is by this statement, and how relieved she is to find out what it really means.

Like,  the show has made quite an effort to make it seem like Stephanie goes out cruisin’ for strange d on the regular, so who cares if she banged Harry, too?

DJ’s middle kid walks into his room and finds the oldest kids collection of 1,000 M&M’s and a note written for Lola that looks just like the one that Mary Kay Letourneau wrote before the first time that she got arrested.

He assumes that the note and M&M’s are for him and immediately starts devouring the candy.

Fernando comes over and Kimmie Gibbler is all up on him immediately.  She thanks him for sending the roses and, since there doesn’t seem to be any way to prove that he didn’t, he takes the credit.

DJ goes into the baby’s room to talk to Aunt Becky but the whole scene gets derailed by a lengthy sequence of Becky showing off the baby in a variety of different outfits.  Despite Becky’s unnerving, manic enthusiasm, the sequence is pretty alright because it’s edited together so that the baby is suddenly wearing a new outfit every time the camera cuts to him, giving the whole thing a sort of humorous, surreal quality to it.  I also have to admit that the baby is pretty darn cute, so as much as I feel like my intelligence is being discredited, I do find myself kind of enjoying his little outfits.

Anyway, DJ talks to Becky about how freaked out she is about Matt sending all the flowers and it’s one of those scenes where one person does all the talking, reaches their own conclusion and then thanks the other person for their advice.  In this case it does seem like it’s in DJ’s best interest to only listen to herself because Aunt Becky has clearly lost her damn mind.  DJ concludes that she has to break things off with Matt because guys who make such grand gestures that early on are usually like serial killers or something.

DJ’s oldest kid finds the Mary Kay Letourneau note, which was filled out by the middle kid, but he assumes that Lola was the one who checked “yes” and so he goes into Ramona’s room to spit some more game.  Having discovered newfound confidence due to this hilarious misunderstanding, DJ’s middle kid confronts Lola and starts saying all sorts of weird, out of character shit, like calling her “boo” and referring to himself as “J-money.”  The best (and by best I mean worst) part is when he says, “it’s gon’ be off the chain, bae.”  I don’t even know what they’re going for here.  My best guess is it’s just an old, out of touch writer’s attempt to be like, “kids these days… this is how they talk.”  Anyway, DJ’s middle kid enters the scene and the weave that has been woven is untangled.  The oldest kid asks Lola out and she’s like, “sure, whatever” so they set up a kid date that’s basically just them hanging out at the mall with a bunch of other kids.  The middle kid ends up getting to go, too, because he’s all about ruining everything.

The dog comes in and stashes a shoe under one of the beds, which leads the kids to discover that a whole bunch of shit is hidden under there.  There’s a joke about Ramona’s One Direction pillow being one of the excavated items, which she’s supposed to be embarrassed to have, I guess.  I didn’t really know what to make of it because I have no context for One Direction.  I felt as out of touch as that off the chain author.

Stephanie comes downstairs all dressed up because she wants to bag Harry and then DJ and Kimmie Gibbler come into the room and they all debate who the flower sender guy was some more.  Suddenly, each of the flower sender guy suspects shows up, one by one but also in rapid succession.  One of them is grown up Harry!  Check it out, guys!  It’s grown up Harry!

Becky makes all the men sit on the couch and interrogates each of them even though this whole thing could be wrapped up in about 5 seconds if a simple, straightforward question was posed to the group.  The interrogative way that Becky is questioning them is also really weird, considering that sending the flowers wasn’t a crime or anything.  Anyway, it turns out that when Matt said that he got DJ flowers he was just referring to a few that he left for her at work.  Becky continues her inappropriately angry questioning of the men and it turns out that none of them sent the flowers.

DJ’s middle kid comes in with a pile of stuff that the dog stashed under his bed, including the note that came with the flowers.  Unfortunately, the dog chewed up the signature on the note, leading this revelation, and this whole dog-hiding-stuff sub-plot, actually, to be completely irrelevant.

Each of the women have an interaction with the man that they suspected of sending them the flowers, one after another, which is just how people interact in real life.  Whenever I’m paired up in a room, me and the person I’m with say some stuff to each other, and then we stand there in silence because it’s another pair of people’s turn to talk.  Kimmie Gibbler and Fernando have another dysfunctional flirtation, DJ clears things up with Matt and they make a plan for an actual date, and Stephanie finds out that Harry was only getting in touch to invite her to his wedding.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jesse walks into the house and it’s revealed that he was the flower sender guy.  I guess he decided to not be a completely shitty husband for once, if only for the purpose of creating a lot of confusion in the fuller house.

After everything’s all cleared up, the moms drink away their failed adulthoods in the dining area.  Stephanie worries about her shallow existence and DJ feels weird about dating again after her husbands horrible death.  That guy would probably be spinning in his grave right now except that he got all burned up, so he’s probably just a pile of ashes.  Maybe there’s like a little whirlwind in his urn right now.  Everyone hugs and consoles each other and it’s not really that mushy or emotionally manipulative.  This show’s way better at delivering genuine emotional moments than the original series, probably because the actors are more seasoned and there isn’t gentle music playing.  By not trying as hard to make you feel a certain way, it’s actually doing a way more effective job.  Anyway, each of the moms reveal that they stole some of Becky’s flowers and then that’s it.

Kimmie Gibbler wakes up on the couch next to Fernando and she’s like, “aw shit, what have I done?”  Fernando is startled awake and quickly provides very naturalistic exposition about how they just fell asleep next to each other while watching a movie, because even married people can’t have sex on a family friendly show like this, apparently.  Or maybe married people can, but people who are separated can’t.  Where’s the line?  I do not know.  Anyway, they contemplate getting back together but decide that it could really make for a wacky premise if they kept their goings-on a secret for a while, so they agree to smuggle Fernando out of the house, unseen by everyone else.

DJ’s kids walk in on the dog tearing up the couch and they each shit one brick.  The younger kid is like, “game over, man” just like the dad from Big Love in Aliens but then they older kid is like, “we can just lie our way out of this.”  The younger kid is so pure of heart that he cannot quite grasp the concept but the older kid quickly schools him in the art of fibbery.  Basically, you can just say whatever you want.  The younger kid tries to frame the baby for destroying the couch and when DJ finds out she doesn’t really get mad or reprimand him at all for trying to pull a fast one on her, which may not be great parenting, actually.

Kimmie Gibbler makes an effort to distract the family as they eat breakfast while Fernando’s legs dangle conspicuously from the roof  in the background for way too long.  He falls, which is also incredibly conspicuous and loud, and then he shambles into the house all covered in leaves and nervously babbles for like a minute straight, making a serious of totally unnecessary statements that make it painfully obvious that he just crawled out of Kimmie Gibbler’s window upstairs.

He’s like, “I just came over to bang Kimmie Gibbler and then crawl out the window, I mean, pick up Ramona.”  You have to imagine that in a really over-the-top Latin sterotype accent, though, where all the e’s are eee’s and there are a bunch of extra h’s at the beginning of words.  Even though it could not be more overtly clear what is happening here, no one suspects a thing.  Instead the exchange becomes about how Fernando wants to take Ramona to the zoo and she’s like, “I don’t wanna do that little kid shit anymore.  Let’s go get our anuses bleached instead.”  There’s a bit about Fernando being sad that Ramona doesn’t want to go to the American Girl doll store anymore and it reminded me that Fernando has a little sprinkle of delightful femininity inside of him.  There was a whole thing in an earlier episode about him being a hairdresser and that, coupled with this new moment, is enough to make him slightly more than completely one-dimensional.

Danny shows up at the door and, man, you never heard an audience whoo so hard in your life.  Those motherfuckers went whoo with such enthusiasm, I couldn’t believe it.  Danny and Kimmie Gibbler go right back into their spirited interactions, including yet another meta-routine.  Danny is apparently in town for the Wake Up, San Francisco reunion show (although didn’t he just leave to do a national version of the show?  Why would they have a reunion show so soon afterwards.  Also, shouldn’t Aunt Becky be on this show, too?  Where is she?  And they really didn’t need an explanation about why Danny is visiting anyway.  They could have had him just show up to visit because this is his family.  They didn’t need some half-assed excuse that doesn’t even make sense.  The absence of an explanation would have made more sense than the one we’re given) and Kimmie Gibbler makes a comment about how sad and lame it is when old, shitty shows have dumb ass reunions.  It’s delightfully self-deprecating, even if Bob Saget can’t stop grimacing his way through all of his lines.

Danny discovers that the dog fucked up the couch and he takes a big ol’ dump right in his pantaloons.  He calls the couch a “classic antique” and it made me wonder if this is the same couch that they had throughout the original series.  I mean, I’m sure it’s a reproduction, but did the old couch look like this one?  I really can’t remember.  They coulda had a bunch of different couches on the old show for all I know.  What did strike me is how small that couch is, considering  that like a billion people seem to live in that house at any given time.

The next scene is another one of those weird ones where one of the kids is hanging out with his friend and a bunch of other kids are there, too, but they’re all off to the side, not saying anything.  They’re just standing there like a bunch of rubes (in order of height) while DJ’s middle kid and his friend talk shit to each other.  It’s really weird.  The only speaking kid keeps talking about how cool his dad is but DJ’s middle kid is like, “my dad’s dead but before that he was hella cooler than your punk ass dad”.  DJ’s middle kid concocts a lie about how he can get a ride from a firetruck whenever he wants because his dad was such a cool fireman but then his friend is like, “you’re a lying cocksucker.  The only way you can prove that this isn’t fucking bullshit is if you bring a firetruck to my birthday party tomorrow.”  DJ’s middle kid is like, “it’s on, bitch.”

Danny laments the passing of the couch and he shares some fond memories with Stephanie, who wistfully recalls all the times that she got fingerbanged on that nostalgic piece of furniture.  At least that’s what I think she said.  I was pretty distracted by Bob Saget’s big, puffy head.

DJ comes in and asks Danny for advice about dating after ones partner’s tragic death.  What an odd thing for them to have in common.  Anyway, DJ says that her co-worker, Matt, makes her pussy turn into a big sloppy puddle in her tight mom jeans whenever he’s around but she’s having reservations about letting him stick it in.  At least that’s what I think she said.  I was pretty distracted by Bob Saget’s big, puffy head.

DJ’s middle kid confronts the older one about how the repercussions of his tutorial in dishonesty have really fucked his shit up because now he’s gotta figure out how to get a firetruck to show up at his dumb friend’s birthday party.  The older kid is like, “too bad our dad’s a smoldering corpse or he coulda hooked that shit up, no problem.”  He decides that, rather than let his little brother deal with the consequences of being a shitty liar, he’s going to figure out a way to make the fire truck fabrication become the truth.

Danny takes the boys down to the fire station to take advantage of some unfortunate firemen.  The middle kid practices his “cute” expressions that will supposedly convince a fireman to let him ride in the truck and it’s the first time this new show has really matched the original series’ overbearingly smug attitude.  Like, I don’t wanna watch some shitty kid demonstrate how fucking cute he thinks he is.

So apparently a new fire chief has been hired since the kids’ dad was horribly burned alive  and he has actual standards for his practice so he’s not just gonna let some shitty entitled kids borrow one of his firetrucks just to cover up some totally unnecessary lie.  Good for him!  I mean, really, what the fuck did these kids think was gonna happen?  Why did Danny even agree to take them down to the station?  Did they explain to him that they were doing all of this just to make some kid look like an asshole at his own birthday party?  Anyway, the fire chief recognizes Danny as the host of Wake Up, San Francisco and it turns out that he was supposed to be on the show like 25 years ago as “the singing fireman” but he got bumped so he refuses to help the kids because he’s petty and bitter, rather than all of the completely logical reasons that he should decline their request.

Meanwhile, down at the pet clinic, DJ and Matt have totally raging boners for each other.  She is really charmed when he spits an eggroll back into the container, probably because it shows that he can be as tactless and obnoxious as the people that she loves most.  They talk about their mutual hesitation to get back into dating after DJ’s husband’s horrible, tragic death and Matt’s divorce and then, just as DJ is about to head home, they start making out and the audience goes whoo so intensely, you’d think that Danny had just shown up.

After their smoochfest, DJ says, “oh my lanta” and I thought I’d mention it because I’m cursed with recognizing it as her deeply unpopular catchphrase from the original series.

Ramona comes home with Fernando and shows Kimmie Gibbler a video of the race car course he let her drive on.  This show really has a lot of shots of people’s hands holding phones while something happens on the screen.

Kimmie Gibbler gets hella pissed at Fernando for letting their daughter take part in such a dangerous activity and then her act of reprimanding him turns into some weird, gross courtship thing for them.

Stephanie wonders why DJ and Kimmie Gibbler are both walking around all daydreamy and shit and she asks, “you didn’t find my brownies, did you?” which isn’t a great adult joke, but points for trying, I guess.  DJ and Kimmie Gibbler both say that they have a really big secret to share even though whatever they’re going to say can’t really qualify as a secret given the fact that they’re about to tell literally half of the people they ever talk to in the world.  Anyway, all the hot schlong that Kimmie Gibbler and DJ have been getting is revealed and then Stephanie is hella mad that she’s the only one that nobody is stickin’ it to so she leaves to go cruise for some strange d.

Danny plays poker with DJ’s kids and declares that he has a full house but then DJ’s older kid has higher cards, making for a “fuller house” and I think that’s enough self-referential moments.

DJ’s middle kid walks over the to the other side of the room to pout and DJ’s sort of starts to tell him about the repercussions of being a shitty ass liar but then she just starts talking to both of her kids about how much they look like their dad and how his memory will live on in them or some shit like that and I’m really not sure why that’s the direction this scene took.  For a show that’s so often about heavy-handed, moralistic lessons, they seem to have really lost track of what they were supposed to be teaching us here.

Stephanie takes Danny into the living room to unveil the new couch, which looks exactly like the old couch.  When the audience sees it they all go whoo and I couldn’t really figure out why.  She also gives him a jacket made from the covering of the original couch and he loves it because he’s the tackiest motherfucker who ever walked the planet.

So it turns out that Danny got his cameraman to film the fire chief singing under a false pretense that it would air on his show and in exchange DJ’s stupid kid gets to drive to the party in a firetruck and give everyone else rides, too.  I wonder how many people died in a fire while this truck was being used to help DJ’s stupid kid get away with some fabrication he pulled out of his ass.  Well, DJ’s kid probably would probably have ultimately resorted to setting the birthday kids house on fire to get a firetruck there so I guess this sort of breaks even. Seriously, though, what the fuck is the takeaway supposed to be here?

Well, at least they filmed an actual outdoor scene of the firetruck pulling up to the party.  It looks like it may have actually cost something to produce.  So, points for that at least.

Kimmie Gibbler’s no-good, soon-to-be-ex-husband fucks up when he’s supposed to pick up their daughter’s birthday cake and accidentally gets one that’s meant for a priest who is retiring from a lifetime of molesting young boys.

I know that not all priests molest young boys and everything but I just want you all to look at that picture one more time and try to tell me that the creators didn’t go out of their way to pick the guy with the most boy molestingest face imaginable to put on that cake.

There’s just no way that guy hasn’t molested a lot of young boys.

So, anyway, Ramona is turning 13 and her big wish is for her parents to get along.  They vow to make this wish come true and then they give her some fancy shoes that she has a hard time walking in.

Meanwhile, down at DJ’s pet clinic, Steve shows up and he’s like please baby baby please baby baby baby please but DJ is like, “remember how my husband got burned alive in a fire?  I’m still all fucked up over that.  We can hang out if you want but there’s no way I’m lettin’ you stick it in,” and Steve is down, probably because not having sex with DJ gives him fond memories of when they dated in high school.  Matt, the new guy that DJ works with, enters the scene with Steve’s dog and Steve is like who the fuck is this mufucka?

Steve gets all threatened by Matt’s masculine swagger and decides that the best way to prevent him from having sexual tension with DJ is to fix him up with Kimmie Gibbler.  DJ actually thinks that setting Matt up with Kimmie Gibbler is a good idea so she invites him to Ramona’s party because nothing makes a girl’s 13th birthday more memorable than a strange man coming over to fuck her mom.

DJ wonders why she feels compelled to clean the fuller house before the kids’ party and then there’s an extended close-up of her dusting a terrifying photo of Danny’s horrible face.

Man, if I had a picture like that in my place I’d never sleep again.  DJ’s middle kid comes in and starts talking about how much trouble he’s having with training the dog to stop shitting in the house.  Why is this his responsibility?  I know that he should be learning how to take care of the dog and everything but it seems pretty obvious that this kid doesn’t-and shouldn’t be expected to-have the capacity to housetrain a dog.  He’s like 8 years old.  Regardless, DJ’s just like, handle that shit, with no help from me.

Ramona comes home with her parents and makes a meta-joke about the dress that she just bought, which was designed by the Olsen twins.  It’s slightly more subtle than the show’s last onscreen comment about the Olsen twins because the actors don’t all stop and stare at the camera for 30 seconds this time.

Stephanie walks into DJ’s oldest kid’s room as he covers himself with cheap cologne and stupid accessories because he hella wants to bang one of Ramona’s friends.  Stephanie talks him into removing all of the stupid accessories and I guess it’s supposed to be a valuable life lesson about being who you are or whatever but it could also just be about choosing better accessories.  I kind of think that he should have kept the huge gold chain, tho.

There’s a whole scene with DJ’s middle kid making the dog sit on a little plastic potty that’s entirely designed to make us go, “aww.”  It is a pretty cute dog but even still, I feel like my intelligence is being insulted here.

Ramona gets all dressed up for her party and then, while she takes pictures with her parents, Matt shows up and he and DJ share some more of that delightful will-they-or-won’t-they tension.  It’s done well enough to almost make you give a shit about what will happen.  Matt is supposed to be introduced to Kimmie Gibbler but she and Fernando are all groping each other and shit while they get their photos taken together so Matt’s like why you trynna hook me up with some woman who’s still all up on her ex-husband?  Good question!

The next thing we see is Ramona’s birthday party, which looks pretty alright.  Where is this supposed to be exactly?  I’m not really clear on that…

Anyway, DJ’s oldest kid tries to hit on Ramona’s friend, Lola, and he fucks it up because he’s a sorry ass chump.  Just as Stephanie prepares to subject everyone to her tasteless electronic garbage music the power goes out, denying the one true cure for all of these poor kids who are clearly suffering from dance fever.  Stephanie tries to salvage the party by playing music from her iphone but it doesn’t work because it’s a terrible idea.

Inside the house, DJ’s middle kid worries that the power going out is a sign of the zombie apocalypse.  Oh, so I guess that means that the party was taking place in the backyard.  I couldn’t really tell.  Anyway, DJ’s middle kid interrogates DJ to find out if she’s a zombie and then he starts wondering if the baby is a zombie, which the audience really finds hilarious for some reason, probably just because they like looking at the baby.

Stephanie frantically tries to get the party back on track and suggests that everyone enjoys some cake while they wait for the power to come back on.  Unfortunately, she takes the cover off the cake only to discover that it’s melted.

Is the cake melting supposed to be related to the power going out, or are these problems unrelated?  It seems really odd to me that no one would have thought about an ice cream cake melting.  How long was it sitting out there?  Anyway, long story short, Stephanie kind of flails around and tries to make the party suck less ass but it’s a lost cause.

DJ and Matt find Kimmie Gibbler standing alone in the kitchen so DJ takes it as an opportunity to introduce them, in a sexy way.  Unfortunately, Kimmie Gibbler immediately starts choking but Matt has the good sense to administer the Heimlich maneuver.

Kimmie Gibbler hugs Matt with gratitude after he saves her life but, wouldn’t you know it?  Fernando walks in right then and misinterprets their interaction and then, in true cartoon Latin stereotype fashion, he challenges Matt to like a duel or something.

DJ and Kimme Gibbler explain that Matt was saving Kimmie Gibbler from choking and then Fernando starts thanking and kissing him.  Man, this guy can’t turn it down a notch for even one second.

Matt decides to leave so DJ walks him out and the sexual tension between them as they say goodbye is like a sauna, you guys.  It’s just that hot and steamy.  Right as Matt is about to whip it out, DJ opens the front door and Steve is standing there, fully ready to murder DJ if she won’t return his affections.  Seriously, I like Steve and everything, but he’s being a real fucking creep right here.

Ramona walks in on her parents arguing and she’s like wah wah wah my party sucks a fat dick and my stupid parents won’t stop fighting and then she runs upstairs to pout like a stupid baby and the audience kind of softly goes, “aww.”  This show is all about acknowledging what was bad about the original show while still doing it anyway.  Like, we’re supposed to know that it’s hokey when the audience goes, “aww” but if they do it kinds of subtly it’s ok, or like a throwback or something.

So Kimmie Gibbler and Fernando go up to Ramona’s room and they’re like sorry that we’re such shitty parents.  Ramona says that she wishes that they could get along and they’re pretty real about how they have a really dysfunctional relationship but they still love her and want to be good parents.  I actually think that this is fairly well done.  Like, they clearly still wanna bang each other but they can’t work it out as married people so they’re trying to balance that out because they’re both devoted to their kid.  That’s some real shit that happens and it’s presented here as a complicated situation, not one that has a simple solution.  Again, I’m basing my praise off of incredibly low standards but, all things considered, I thought that this was not terrible.

Everyone from the party comes into Ramona’s room and sings her happy birthday while carrying cupcakes with candles in them.  I’m not sure where the cupcakes came from but whatever.  Just as things seem to be turning out ok the power comes back on because everyone has to get what they want all the time on these shows and then Ramona alludes to her birthday wish being for her parents to get back together. That’s probably what will end up happening, if for no other reason than to prove me wrong for trying to give this show some credit.

All the kids start dancing to Stephanie’s horrible doo doo beats and then DJ’s oldest kid tries asks Ramona’s friend that he has a boner for if he can dance near her and she’s like I don’t give a fuck what you do, which he takes as a victory.

After the party, Ramona expresses her gratitude to her parents for making sure that she had an only kind of shitty birthday and then she leaves them to have a moment alone.  They sorta patch things up and then they start dry humping and DJ’s middle kid sees the whole thing, which will surely cause him to be sexually dysfunctional in a few years.  I mean, he might be already.  He was hiding in the doghouse with that dog and there was some serious barking going on.  Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler tells him that he has to keep the dry-humping a secret because it might make for a somewhat intriguing multi-part storyline, what with this Netflix binge-all-the-episodes-at-once model and everything, and then DJ comes out and asks what’s going on and no one will tell her.  What a cliffhanger!

DJ and Kimmie Gibbler make some jokes that aren’t worth mentioning in the kitchen and then Ramona rushes downstairs to answer the front door, as she’s expecting her dance team to show up.  DJ’s boring ass kids come home and DJ is real suspicious about why the oldest one is wearing a jacket in such hot weather.  DJ removes the jacket from his person, revealing some really terrible makeup job that’s supposed to look like an injury.

After a brief interrogation, DJ gets the younger kid to narc on the older one, revealing that the older kid has been participating in reckless activities with some friend of his.  DJ forbids any further naughty revelry and the kids bitch and moan about it.  Stephanie enters the scene and tells everyone that she’s gonna be DJing at Lucha Kaboom, a Mexican wrestling establishment, so everyone will be getting free tickets and also probably some sort of opportunity to ruin the show for the rest of the crowd.  Stephanie tells everyone that King Jaguarito will be the headlining wrestler and then DJ calls him, “King Dorito” because even though this show has managed to make a lot of improvements over the original series, the creators still think it’s funny to completely mangle the Spanish language.

Ramona and her friends practice their dance moves and then Kimmie Gibbler busts out some cookies that are a throwback to the jokes not worth mentioning from the opening scene, which I would continue to not mention if not for the fact that she places them further in the foreground of this set than we’ve ever seen before.  I don’t know why but I always think it’s interesting when we see some part of a set on a tv show that we never have before.

Ramona tells her friends that they need some fly ass moves to wrap up their dance with and then Kimmie Gibbler shows them a routine that she’s invented.  It’s really awful.  Usually Kimmie Gibbler can sell even the lamest schticks, but this one’s just plain hard to watch.  I’ve always theorized that Full House is actually about an evil sentient house that’s driving its inhabitants crazy and this only furthers that premise, as we are now witnessing Kimmie Gibbler, who was once the only likeable person on this whole show, becoming just another corny asshole.

DJ has an exchange with her studly assistant about how she’s using some app on her phone to keep tabs on her oldest kid.  She explains that her kid’s in some, “crazy Jackass phase” because this show is really into outdated references.  The assistant guy explains that young boys like to do stupid shit so she should just deal with it but DJ ain’t havin’ that.

She discovers through her invasive app that her oldest kid is at his naughty friends house so she heads over there to ruin his fun.  DJ seems to be able to just walk out of work whenever she wants.  Actually, her job is beholden to whatever is convenient to the plot.  Like, when the story needs her to not be at the house there seems to always be some emergency at work, but whenever there’s a scene at her job and then some shit goes down elsewhere she just cuts out immediately.

So I guess that when DJ’s kids hang out with their mischievous friend they like to perform irresponsible stunts while a bunch of other kids watch.  Why are there so many other kids there?  It doesn’t add anything to the scene, and it just seems odd to me that a whole group of kids would stand around as spectators to these lame activities.  I mean, I guess if they were participating at all it would make sense.  DJ’s oldest kid and his naughty friend, Bobby Popko, cover the younger kid in padding and then the older kid body slams him from on top of a tool shed.  It actually doesn’t look all that dangerous.  I mean, I probably wouldn’t do it, but it’s only like a 6 foot drop and there does seem to be an awful lot of padding involved.  Regardless, DJ rolls up on the scene just as the stunt occurs and  flips the fuck out.  She seems really concerned about whether or not her younger kid is ok after  the tool shed body slam and then she gets all up in the older kids grill about pulling this kind of shit after she told him not to.  She tells him that he’s punished and therefore can’t go to Lucha Kaboom and then she leads him away, totally leaving the younger kid behind, who is wearing too much padding to get up.

It’s kind of weird that she’d just abandon him like that after being so concerned for his safety seconds earlier.  The scene ends with him struggling to get up and I kept expecting a final moment where DJ comes back for him but it never happened.  For all we know that kid could end up lying there for hours.

Stephanie practices some dance steps with Ramona and her friends and then they all thank her for offering up better moves than Kimmie Gibbler did, but then we see that Kimmie Gibbler is standing in the doorway and can hear the whole thing.  Stone cold diss!  Before I get to Kimmie Gibbler’s reaction, I have to talk shit about how Stephanie says that she collaborated with Rihanna on the creation of the dance moves that she’s sharing with the kids.  Man, Stephanie’s bullshit name dropping really bugs me.  It was feasible when she said that she’d partied with Macy Grey because that’s like a totally washed up one hit wonder, but Rihanna is a legit megastar so there’s just no way she’d have anything to do with Stephanie’s sorry ass.  All the allusions to Stephanie’s exciting, glamorous DJ lifestyle seem really hollow and sad to me.  It sort of feels like she’s just making it all up or something, or like the show is trying to put her on a level that she’s clearly not deserving of.  It would be one thing if she was like, “that’s like that one time that I drank too much cheap champagne and threw up all night in the green room of some shitty club in Texas” or, “that’s reminds me of the time that I partied with Six from Blossom” but working out dance choreography with Rihanna?  Gimme a fuckin’ break.

So Kimmie Gibbler gets all pissed about her kid turning to Stephanie for help with her dance routine so she declares her usefulness by launching into a worst-of-the-90’s montage of dances and pop culture references.  Again, she delivers it as well as could be hoped for, but the material is pretty painful.  I feel like I should have more to say about it but I just found the whole routine to be exhausting.  It was basically a frantic collection of everything that I wished people would stop saying and doing when I was 12 years old.  Stephanie tells the girls that they’ve been invited to perform at Lucha Kaboom because why not? and then Kimmie Gibbler’s like, “fuck all y’all” because they wont incorporate her moves into their routine.

DJ’s oldest kid kisses her ass in a variety of ways but she still refuses to let him go to Lucha Kaboom.  Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler continue to have tension over Ramona preferring Stephanie’s dance moves.  Kimmie Gibbler mocks Stephanie and points out her big ol’ titties but refrains from pointing out how obviously fake they are, so she’s really pulling her punches if you ask me.

DJ initiates a really awkward transition by commenting on the costume that her middle kid is wearing, which is apparently a replica of the one that King Jaguarito wears. Incidentally, I’m not really sure how odd it is that they’re all going to a Mexican wrestling establishment.  I can’t say for sure that they don’t have those in San Francisco, but I’ve certainly never heard of one.  It does seem like a pretty random location to build an episode around.  Anyway, everyone except for DJ’s oldest kid leaves for Lucha Kaboom and then he stares at them out of the window while sad guitar music plays.  Hey, we’ve never seen this out-the-window camera angle before, either.  How interesting!

As the wrestlers descend onto the stage, DJ’s middle kid exclaims, “holy chalupas!”  Seriously, though, why is this his catch phrase?  It really doesn’t mean anything, and I have no idea where it’s coming from.  “Have mercy” and “how rude” were some really uninspired pieces of shit, but they at least sort of sounded like something a person might say in real life, or were somewhat contextually appropriate.  I guess that a Mexican wrestling establishment makes “holy chalupas” work as well as it’s going to, but that doesn’t mean that it makes it work.

Ramona gets a text from one of the members of her dance team that says that she wont be able to participate because she’s got a wicked case of the shits (that’s really why!) so the girls ask Stephanie to participate because it’s not totally weird to see a dance crew that’s 3 12-year-olds and a grown woman.  Stephanie does Kimmie Gibbler a solid by offering up her dance spot with the girls, although she might just be doing it because any sensible adult would find the situation pretty embarrassing.

The announcer at the event informs the audience that it’s time for the King Jaguarito costume contest and, naturally, DJ’s kid enters and immediately wins.  But, wait, can we take a minute to check out this weird old guy who enters the competition?  What’s this guys deal?

I would watch a whole show that was all about this guy.  I want to know everything about his whole life.

It turns out that King Jaguarito is a little person, which may or may not contribute to a hilarious misunderstanding in a few minutes.  He and DJ’s kid share a brief, unremarkable exchange and then Ramona and her friends come out and do their dance routine because this whole Mexican wrestling performance is actually all about the people from the fuller house for some reason.  The best thing about the routine is that it takes up a fair amount of time and I’m always watching the clock as I work my way through these reviews.  I should also mention that the routine climaxes with the girls doing Kimmie Gibbler’s dance routine from earlier because the moral of this show is always that everyone should always get what they want all the time.

Meanwhile, back at the fuller house, DJ’s oldest kid devises a naughty scheme with Bobby Popko.  Even though their plan is clearly stated, I found it to be very confusing.  Apparently DJ’s oldest kid is supposed to put on a Mexican wrestling mask and sneak into the match at Lucha Kaboom.  Why?  I have no idea.  Does he just want to go to Lucha Kaboom, or is this like another crazy stunt dare?  I actually replayed the scene to try to wrap my head around this…  What Bobby Popko says is, “put on the mask and sneak into the wrestling match.”  So is he just saying that he should go watch the wrestling match and that he should wear a mask while he does it so DJ doesn’t find out?  Or is he saying to sneak into the actual match, like enter the ring?  And even if he is just going to see the show, how’s he going to get in?  I guess he could buy his own ticket if we can assume that the show isn’t sold out and that this kid has enough money, but… I just find this all the be very confusing.

But the most baffling part of the plan is that they put the older kid’s phone on the dog so that DJ will think that he’s still at the fuller house, proposing that seeing the phone move around will make it more convincing (which means that the app has some serious pinpoint accuracy), but the older kid wonders why Bobby Popko doesn’t just hold onto the phone because, for some reason, he’s going to be hanging out at the fuller house while DJ’s kid goes to the show.  Why is Bobby Popko holding it down at the house by himself during all of this?  Just, why?  This was seriously the most perplexing 30 seconds of tv I’ve ever seen.

As DJ enjoys the wrestling match she decides that her oldest kid has learned his lesson so she calls him up to join the festivities.  Unfortunately, DJ’s oldest kid’s phone is attached to the dog, who is sitting next to Bobby Popko on the couch.  No, but for reals, why is he in the house by himself?

As if all this hasn’t been nonsensical enough, y’all better emotionally prepare yourselves for what’s about to happen, because it’s just completely fucking insane.  DJ’s oldest kid walks into the venue and sees King Jaguarito wrestling, who he mistakes for his little brother even though he seemed to be familiar with King Jaguarito earlier and, for that reason, as well as many other, should know better than to draw that conclusion.  Regardless, he jumps into the match, which may have been his plan anyway.  I’m still not too clear on that part.  Since this whole fucking thing has gone so deep down a rabbit hole of illogical fantasy that nothing seems to even matter anymore, it’s not even that surprising when these trained professional wrestlers immediately start assaulting a young kid who’s entered the ring.

DJ’s kid is unmasked and, just when I thought that I could not feel any more like I was going mentally insane while I was watching this, things escalate.  Right as an adult professional wrestler is about to punch DJ’s kid in the face even though he’s clearly, unmistakably, a child, DJ jumps into the ring and starts beating the shit out of everyone.

WHAT?!!?  The craziest part about it is that Candace Cameron is amazing at performing these wrestling moves.  It’s clearly not a stunt double, as you can see her face the whole time.  It would be one thing if she just ran in and put a stop to everything but she busts out an elaborate, choreographed series of very professional looking acrobatic wrestling moves.  It was stunning as both an impressive performance by the actress (seriously, how did she learn how to do all that shit?  I am in awe of her) and as the most startlingly logic-defying nonsense I have ever witnessed in my life, which has been filled with many wasted hours watching garbage tv that makes no sense.

The best part is that, as DJ is announced as the winner of the match, we get a bunch of shots of the crowd, including that amazing old guy who entered the King Jaguarito costume contest.  Every second that he is present onscreen is precious to me.

I can’t think of a more egregious example of these people showing up at an event and completely taking over everything.  At least it would sort of make sense when they would know the Beach Boys and then get to be onstage at their show or host a telethon for Danny’s tv station or something, but this is just fucking gobbledygook.  It’s almost too over-the-top to even criticize because there’s no way to apply any semblance of logic to any of it.  Even after breaking it down moment-by-moment, I’m still not sure what I just saw.

So, anyway, back at the fuller house, DJ has a very special talk with her son.  DJ’s kid asks her how she knew all those wrestling moves, which is a really great question, and she says that she doesn’t know and chalks it up to maternal protective instincts.  I guess that’s about as good of an explanation as we could have hoped for.  DJ tells her kid that he needs to stop engaging in such reckless behavior even though she just brazenly exemplified the complete opposite of that in the most blatant manner imaginable and then they hug it out.

DJ also tells him to quit hanging out with Bobby Popko but he says that Bobby Popko is his best friend (which I guess is feasible since he appears to be his only friend, at least as far as we know), going so far as to refer him as, “my Kimmie Gibbler.”  Bobby Popko then walks into the room after reportedly taking a very long shower, which you would think that DJ would have been aware of.  As scattered as my brain is after sitting through all this, one thing is clear: Bobby Popko, you are no Kimmie Gibbler.

I’ve been giving this show some credit here and there because I really do think that it’s an improvement over the original series, but this shit was at least as bad as anything we’ve ever seen from Full House.  It was abrasive and self-absorbed, made virtually no sense and ended with an extremely superfluous life-lesson.  There have been some highlights on this show so far but this one really took it down a notch.  Or, like, a bazillion notches.

Before I call it a wrap on this entry I just wanted to give a heads-up: I’m not going to be posting a review next week because I need a week off from this shit.  Returning to this blog has made me totally mystified as to how the fuck I managed to do this every week for 4 years and I’d like to take a week to deal with actual shit in my real life that this thing gets in the way of.  There will be a new post next week, though.  It’ll be a bonus entry that is an interview with an actual fan of Full House.  I thought it would be fun to talk with someone who actually likes this crap to try to understand what their fuckin’ deal is.  I think it’s gonna be really good.  I’ll post a new review the following week and then every week after that until the Season wraps up.  Stay tuned!