Pre-Credits Gag:  Becky tries to teach the twins to say, “have mercy” because she thinks that their father might actually put some effort into raising them if they learn his catchphrase.  They refuse, most likely due to their constant struggle with coherent speech, but then they are inspired to say it after Jesse comes home and starts making out with Becky right in front of them.  I think it’s fair to say that the phrase, “have mercy” is best applied when having to watch your parents make out.

This episode opens with Stephanie struggling to open her locker, which marks the first time we’ve seen anything outside of the bathroom of her school.  Stephanie’s classmates Mickey and Gia make return appearances as Gia hates on Stephanie and then fails to convince Mickey to ditch class with her.  Gia then proceeds to pop a boner over some whitebread rendition of a grunge kid named Jamie who ignores her to help Stephanie with her locker.  While Gia glares in the background, he invites Stephanie to see his band, Human Pudding, perform at the Smash Club (on the one hand, it seems like quite a coincidence that they’re playing at the Smash club, but on the other hand, where else could it possibly have happened?) on Friday. Stephanie accepts his offer because it’s the only time in her whole life that a boy has ever paid any attention to her on account of her face and fashion sense and general demeanor.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, the uncles are baking a cake or something and they ask Michelle to get them some vanilla from the cupboard.  Michelle replies, “vanilla…coming right up,” which makes the audience laugh for no reason that I could ever understand.  Seriously, that’s not even a joke.  It’s a casual reply.  It couldn’t even be misconstrued as a joke.  It’s like the audiences reactions are some sort of bizarre inverse of my own.  I wanted to punch her stupid face in when she said she’d get the vanilla, even though there was nothing that stood out about the line in any way.  Contrarily, the audience thinks it’s funny.  Anyway, what ends up happening is that Michelle can’t find the vanilla because Danny has rearranged everything in bizarre ways because he’s struggling to cope with his break-up with whats-her-name.  You know, that boring chick?  Yeah, her.  He’s so upset that he’s even trying to grow a gross, shitty mustache, and yet he refuses to acknowledge that there’s a problem.

Stephanie runs into DJ’s room, which has just been rearranged by Danny (which seems pretty invasive.  Seriously, what teenage girl wouldn’t totally freak out if one of their parents went in their room and moved all their shit around?), to tell her that she has a date.  Kimmie Gibbler is there, too, and she makes some sort of wiseass remark but I was too distracted by the poster behind her, which presents a photo of a whale and the Herman Melville quote, “We cannot live for ourselves alone” which is the most deeply ironic thing that anyone in the full house could have posted up in their room.  It’s amazing to me that the poster didn’t immediately burst into flame when it was pinned to the wall of a house containing the most self-absorbed pieces of shit on the entire planet.  I wonder if someone on the crew of the show didn’t put it up as a joke.

Gia shows up at the full house and butters up Danny and Becky by asking for their autographs and telling them that she loves their shitty morning show, which is something I’m sure they hear from 12-year old girls all the time.  She asks Stephanie if they can go up to her room and then there’s this really weird detail when they walk in there where Gia casually tosses a crumpled up wad of paper onto Stephanie’s bed.  Why does that happen?

What makes it even weirder is that the girls have an exchange with Michelle when they walk into the room and then when the camera cuts back to them, the wad is gone.  Maybe it was some sort of offering to Bubba the turtle, or any of the many grandparents and love interests who’ve been swallowed up by the full house.  Anyway, Gia condescendingly asks Michelle to leave her and Stephanie alone and then Michelle reciprocates her haughty tone, which makes for one of the most cringe-inducing exchanges in the entire series.  I can’t be too mad at Gia because she’s being shitty to Michelle, but hearing Michelle talk in that tone really makes me want to stab out my eyes and eardrums.

As soon as Michelle leaves the room, Gia gets all up in Stephanie’s face like, “bitch, you stole my man!  You betta back the fuck up!” but Stephanie asserts that, no, she will not back the fuck up, which is actually sort of impressive.  Gia’s like, “aight, biatch, that’s yo’ ass” and then leaves the room while shooting mad eye daggers.

The next day at school, Gia is seen gossiping in the hallway and then everyone bursts out laughing when Stephanie rolls up.  Stephanie immediately starts laughing along with them like she knows what the joke is, which is painfully awkward.

Mickey grabs Stephanie and informs her that Gia has been telling everyone that she paid Jamie $20 to ask her out, which is, like, the tamest middle school rumor that I’ve ever heard of.  For reals, if Gia was anything like a real life middle school girl she would have invented the most savage lie about Stephanie you could imagine, like that she has crabs, or that she gave Jamie a really crappy blow job in the parking lot, or the old timeless classic, that she saw her masturbating with a hot dog.

Regardless of the rumors’ lack of creativity, some stupid looking kid with a backwards hat mocks Stephanie right to her face before high-fiving his homies, and then Jamie comes up to Stephanie and breaks their date.  I find it hard to believe that if Jamie was unselfconscious enough to ask Stephanie out in the first place that he could be shamed by some lame rumor, but whatever.

Danny continues to rearrange all of the furniture in the full house, much to everyone’s dismay, and then Stephanie comes home and tells DJ and Kimmie Gibbler about what happened at school, which prompts her to start plotting revenge.

Danny makes everyone sushi and sets up an authentic Japanese-style dining area, which really bothers everyone for some reason.  Take that, Japanese culture! Your customs are strange and could only be explored by the emotionally unhealthy!  Michelle in particular is perturbed by this event, and I kept waiting for her to utter some sort of anti-Japanese racial slur.  You can’t tell me that you’d find that surprising!

Mickey comes over with a secret file and Stephanie excuses herself so the two of them can do something seedy up in her room.

Michelle is so put off by Japanese culture that she calls Danny out on trying new things because he’s upset about his break-up with that curly haired broad.  The music comes on as Danny realizes that exposing his family to culture and delicious food has been a terrible burden on them so he says that he’s going to start dealing with his break-up so they can all go back to being insulated and self-absorbed.  Then Jesse grabs the plate of raw fish so he can fry it up because, seriously, fuck the Japanese.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Mickey and Stephanie make a giant print-out of Gia’s abysmal report card and stick it up in the hallway at school.  All the kids point at it and laugh, including the stupid looking kid with the backwards hat, and then, further emphasizing the turning of the tides, Jamie asks Stephanie if they can renew their date.  Gia enters the hallway and sees the sick burn, which is quite cathartic for Stephanie until Gia starts crying.  Whatever, man.  Gia totally started that shit.  Kids like that, who instigate conflict and then can’t handle it when it goes the other way, are the worst.  You can tell that shit really rubs me the wrong way because I’m defending Stephanie.

Later, at the Smash club, Stephanie is too guilty to enjoy her double date with herself, Jamie, Mickey and that stupid looking kid with the backwards hat, who may or may not be in the process of becoming a regular character.  Meanwhile, Jesse interacts with a bunch of dancing kids in the club and I can’t help but wonder how he feels about being the owner of the premier hang-out for 12-year olds.

Anyway, Gia shows up and grabs a booth with her homegirls before being super shitty to her waitress, Kimmie Gibbler.  Jesse approaches Stephanie and asks what’s bothering her and she tells him about the conflict she had with Gia.  He tells her that she’s too good-natured to enjoy revenge and that it doesn’t matter what other people think of you, only what you think of yourself, which leads Stephanie to conclude that she won’t like herself until she patches things up with Gia.  Stephanie hugs her greasy uncle and then approaches Gia so she can expound the same platitudes that she just learned.  Gia is initially hesitant towards Stephanie’s friendly behavior but eventually succumbs to her corny bullshit, so they dance together while Human Pudding plays, which I guess means that they’re friends now.

Firsts:  We see more than just the bathroom of Stephanie’s school, that stupid looking kid with the backwards hat (assuming that he becomes a recurring character)

Pre-Credits Gag:  The twins do a shitty job of wrapping their Christmas gifts for Becky.  To be fair, they’re like 2 years old and I really think that Jesse should wrap those gifts for them.  What a lazy, negligent father.  And husband.

This episode opens with Danny and Vicky making out.  Hey, the last episode started and ended with characters making out, too.  What’s going on around here?  Danny and Vicky are the most unpleasant couple to have watch while they smooch, too, because their lack of onscreen chemistry is so uncomfortably apparent.  Anyway, Vicky splits to go interview Princes Charles, leaving Danny to lament about his long-distance relationship to his idiot friend, Joey.  Danny says that he’s tired of only pretending to be in a heterosexual relationship every other weekend and wants to set a wedding date with Vicky so he can start living a lie full-time.  Joey supports this idea and then invites Danny and Vicky to be guests on a tv game show about relationships that he’s auditioning to be the host of.  Wait, what?  How is Joey constantly getting job opportunities like this?  Are he and Jesse even still radio DJs?  I can’t even keep track of all of the amazing jobs that they have handed to them all the time anymore.

So, naturally, the game show is about couples and will feature Danny and Vicky as an engaged couple, DJ and Steve as a dating couple, and Jesse and Becky as a married couple, because who wants to watch anything that’s not all about the people in the full house, right?

Jesse tries to prep Becky for the questions that they’ll be asked on the game show but she is able to easily prove that she already knows everything about him.  Jesse gets all bent out of shape about her claims that he is predictable but, honestly, what did he expect?  Seriously, the guys has like 4 basic characteristics that totally define him.  This is what happens when a character treads water for 7 Seasons with no development whatsoever.  I could go on this dating show with Jesse and get a perfect score, and so could anyone else who’s ever seen a single episode of Full House.  I can guarantee you that every question could be answered with either, Elvis, “Have mercy,” fried chicken, hair maintenance, neglecting your wife, motorcycles, neglecting your children, doing a half-assed job at work or terrible covers of Beach Boys songs.  There’s literally nothing else to him.  The only thing I find at all surprising about this scenario is that the show seems to actually be self-aware about this.

Steve comes over to pick up DJ for the game show and she gets all freaked out when she finds out that he knows how to juggle because apparently that means that they don’t really know each other at all.  I guess that when you’re dealing with such tragically undeveloped characters, learning trivial details about them can seem like a revelation.  He’s not even any good at it.  He does it for a few seconds and the audience goes nuts for some reason, though.  I wonder if the producers aren’t gassing them or something.  That would explain so much.

Stephanie is left in charge of Michelle and the twins because everyone else is on the stupid dating show.  She is immediately overzealous about being issued a morsel of authority but it’s quickly taken away from her when she tells the twins to put their pajamas on and they yell some sort of nonsense at her and then run out of the room.

Before the dating show begins filming, everyone reviews the issues that they’re having:  DJ is convinced that she and Steve don’t really know each other, Jesse feels like Becky thinks that he’s too predictable, and it turns out that Vicky isn’t going to be able to make it on time so she’s replaced by the producers assistant, Estelle.

The show begins filming and Joey comes out and starts doing a terrible impression of a tv game show host, adopting the persona of “Joe Stone”.  He’s even got a shitty wig on and fake teeth, as if regular Joey wasn’t hard enough to watch already.  This would almost qualify as post-modern if it wasn’t so devoid of conscious thought.

So the premise here is that each of the couples are having issues, which quickly becomes apparent onscreen and prompts the producer to instruct Joey to encourage arguments to make for a more entertaining show.  Joey proceeds to ask loaded questions and instigate conflicts between each of the couples while the producer gives him the thumbs up from off screen.  There isn’t much ground covered beyond this basic set-up except that the woman that Danny is paired up with seems to be pretty good at answering his questions.  There isn’t any sense that she and Danny will get together, though, because she isn’t conventionally attractive, and therefore could never qualify as a tv love interest.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, Stephanie tries to track down the twins in the hallway and there’s a lengthy sequence with sped-up footage and wacky sax music playing as the characters keep running in and out of rooms that seems to be a sort of homage to the Benny Hill show.

I don’t understand why Stephanie doesn’t just stand in the hallway and wait for the twins to come back out instead of running into different rooms the way she does.  Anyway, she finally finds them and brings them into her room, where Michelle is totally beating off over what a lousy babysitting job she’s doing.  Michelle makes a final point about what a shitty babysitter Stephanie is by getting the twins to put on their pajamas in 2 seconds and pointing out that the reason they refused before was because Stephanie gave them the wrong ones.  Stephanie says that she’s learned a valuable lesson about asking for help or not gloating about being in charge or some shit like that.

Estelle continues to correctly guess the answers to all of the questions about Danny.  She even knows that his recurring nightmare is about being naked on a Stairmaster.  For reals?  Danny naked on a Stairmaster is my recurring nightmare, too.  Becky continues to know everything about Jesse and he gets all up in arms about it, suggesting that the magic is gone because he’s so predictable, but then he realizes that it’s good because then she can tend to his every need so they start making out and then leave the set to go fuck.  That’s really what happens.  It’s not even subtle.

DJ continues to worry that she and Steve don’t really know each other but then he whips out some corny bullshit about how learning new things about her is like unwrapping presents and then all of their problems are solved. The show wraps up with Danny and Estelle having the best score and winning a vacation.  Afterwards, the producer commends Joey’s antagonistic performance but Joey tells him that he couldn’t do that to people every week and quits, which is the first time he’s ever shown any integrity.

Vicky arrives at the set and tells Danny that she missed the show because she was getting hired to anchor “the network news” in New York.  Danny is unable to be happy for her because it means that they’ll be even further apart and then the music comes on as he says that them being away from each other all the time is too painful and he can’t wait anymore for them to start their life together.  Vicky suggests that Danny moves to New York and he says that he can’t because he has like a whole village worth of people living in his house who are totally unable to take care of themselves.  Things get real serious and dramatic as they realize that love is not enough and they’re going to have to go their separate ways and then they hug goodbye, drawing the most passionless and unconvincing relationship in television history to a close.

If you ask me, Vicky got off pretty easy.  Although she never really developed any sort of a personality, at least she escaped before the full house drove her insane like it did with Aunt Becky.  It’s better to be bland and unmemorable than to be psychologically destroyed.

Back at the full house, Danny stares silently into the fire place, probably trying to remember one single potent memory he shared with Vicky and completely drawing a blank.  That would actually be a pretty good Zen exercise.  Try to remember one thing that Vicky ever said or did.  It really clears your mind.  Anyway, the girls all bring Danny a tuna melt and rub him so he’ll feel better.

He tells them that he really wanted them to finally have a mom but they remind him that they already have like 5 parents teaching them to be entitled pieces of shit and throwing one more privileged white broad up in that mix probably wasn’t going to help much.  Everybody hugs and then Michelle tries to eat Danny’s tuna melt because what the fuck does she care about her father’s feelings?  She wants that sandwich.

Firsts:  Joey has integrity, an explanation is provided for a love interest leaving the show

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ and Steve make out while the audience goes, “WHOOOOOO!”  Michelle walks up to them and tells them that their mouths are filled with germs, effectively ruining the mood.  Man, I haven’t seen cock-blocking like that since I moved out of that house full of dudes when I was in college.

Jesse practices his piano playing until his wife and kids come home, at which point he chases the kids around and tickles them for about a full minute.  Although there is some sense of authenticity to these kinds of ordinary, everyday family moments that we’ve seen on the show more and more often lately, I can’t help but feel that they don’t belong on a tv show.  They really do feel like they’re just there to fill up space.

Becky pulls Jesse aside and tells him that the twins wouldn’t socialize with any of the other kids at their playgroup and worries that they’re all fucked up.  Jesse vehemently denies that there’s any sort of a problem but Becky insists that they should join a parents-of-twins support group to enlist help with the problem.  Jesse ignores her wishes and concerns, just like he has for the entire series, but then Becky tricks him into agreeing to host the playgroup at the full house next week, both to teach Jesse a lesson and so they wont have to use a new set.

Michelle walks into her room and asks Stephanie, “Shouldn’t we ask DJ before we borrow her stuff?” which is totally out of character for her.  Since when does she give a shit about asking anybody for anything?  I don’t care if it’s obviously for the purpose of exposition, I don’t buy it at all.  DJ comes in the room and gets hella mad about her stupid ugly sisters taking her shit and then Danny comes in and is all, “what’s the big fucking problem this time?”  They give him the skinny and then he busts out some real democratic dad advice and then leaves.

Why is Joey involved with the play group?  I don’t understand why he isn’t just ostracized from everything all the time.  Anyway, everyone sings “The Wheels On the Bus” while the twins sit there looking confused and then they get up and stand together on the other side of the room.  Jesse tries to get them to rejoin the group but they protest in a disaffected manner.  Joey suggests that if the twins wont join the group then they should get the group to focus on the twins, which is exactly the kind of self-absorbed thinking that is the basis of every problem on this show.  Maybe they should worry about all the other kids in the group and what they might need for 5 fucking seconds.  The twins continue to shun the group and then one of the other kids in the playgroup starts arguing with Jesse.  I don’t know why Jesse arguing with little kids is such a commonly used routine on this show.  It always makes me feel sorry for him, and not just because he invariably loses the debate.

DJ comes home with Steve and Kimmie Gibbler and recaps the experience that they all shared together a few minutes earlier, as if they’d forgotten.  Apparently Kimmie Gibbler was airing out her feet while DJ was driving, which led to DJ receiving a ticket for having her view obstructed.  As if Kimmie Gibbler’s stinky feet wasn’t already an overdone enough bit on its own, there seems to be a new routine based around her where she misinterprets words.  In this case it’s when DJ says that she’ll have to be a pedestrian and Kimmie Gibbler thinks that she’s talking about religion.  Yeah, I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.  There was a similar joke in a recent episode, which leads me to believe that there will be one like it in pretty much every episode with Kimmie Gibbler in it from now on.  Go on and kick that dead horse, Full House.  Anyway, at the end of the scene Stephanie and Michelle approach DJ and blackmail her, telling her that they’ll narc on her to Danny about the ticket if she doesn’t let them use her stuff.  Maybe that’ll teach DJ not to expound superfluous expository dialogue all the time.

The twins continue their asocial behavior until Jesse lures them over to the other kids with gummy bears.  Becky comes home and sees the twins socializing, or at least that’s what I think was happening.  I was pretty distracted by the way that her shirt frames her titties.

So then the twins separate themselves from the other kids again but Jesse still wont admit that there’s a problem.  Jesse tries to coerce them into joining the group but they just clutch each other and mumble “brudder” while sad music plays, which finally convinces Jesse that there is a problem.

The parents-of-twins focus group is run by this sort of hippy dippy guy who comments on Jesse’s aura after Jesse is hesitant to discuss the issues that the twins are having.  The floor is then opened up to another couple who have teenage twins that are all fucked up and say that their problems started when their kids were little and exhibited pretty much the exact same behavior as Nicky and Alex.

Jesse is able to recognize the astoundingly unsubtle parallels between his kids and the other couples’ and finally asks for some guidance.  The instructor tells him to focus on the twins’ individual interests and plan separate activities for them so that they’re not just clinging to each other all the time and, with that, the Full House tradition of complex emotional issues being resolved in less than 3 minutes once again rears its hackneyed head.

Danny notices that Stephanie and Michelle are getting away with borrowing DJ’s shit all the time and asks them all what the fuck is going on.  DJ confesses about the ticket and the younger girls confess about exploiting DJ so Danny doles out an ironic punishment by saying that for the next few weekends, DJ can only use the car to drive the girls anywhere they want to go but that Stephanie and Michelle are also grounded.  And that is the end of the Stephanie-and-Michelle-blackmail-DJ-into-into-letting-them-use-her-shit subplot.

Becky and Jesse convene at the full house after taking the twins to their separate activities and confirm that their quick-fix solution was completely successful.  Jesse acknowledges that going to a support group for 3 minutes was the right thing to do and then the music comes on as he admits that he didn’t want to go to the group because he felt like it would expose what a shitty dad he is.  Becky tells him that it’s important to admit it when problems arise and that if he’s gone this long without being called out on his cartoonishly inept parenting (not to mention his cartoonishly inept work ethic, musical talents, and ability to pay rent, to name a few) then he’s probably in the clear.  Then they make out while the audience goes, “WHOOOOO!” which is an occurrence that actually bookends this episode.  I wonder if someone actually planned that or if it just happened that way.  I can’t think of any reason that it would be planned…  I mean, it was an episode about parenting.  Also, it’s not like any thought goes into this show at all.

Pre-Credits Gag:  The twins dress like cowboys and ride plastic rocking horses.  Also, they’ve taken to calling their parents by their first names (remember this, as it is a crucial plot element).

As Stephanie does a shit-ass job of performing a card trick, Michelle bursts in the room hella mad because someone stole her bike.  Danny calls the police and then assigns everyone an area of the city to investigate.  After so many episodes, I almost didn’t think at all about how everyone just immediately stops what they’re doing and launches into a citywide hunt for Michelle’s bike.  That’s just the way it is in the full house.  As Danny approaches the front door, he runs into Kimmie Gibbler, who’s in a pink shirt with a logo on it that says “Crime Catchers,” because I guess Kimmie Gibbler is some sort of vigilante now.  She actually must be a pretty good one, considering that the bike theft was just discovered about 30 seconds ago and she’s already on the scene, in full regalia and everything.

And that’s not all!  Kimmie Gibbler has teamed up with Marcia Wallace, who’s playing a lady from the neighborhood who is interested in solving crimes and, apparently, Joey’s ass.  She’s constantly making comments about it and it hurts my heart.

Jesse drives around the city with Michelle as they try to find her bike.  I kept waiting for something terrible to happen to his car because literally every single time one of the dad’s cars has been featured in an episode it’s been horribly damaged.  It’s also pretty surprising to see a scene filmed outside.  Anyway, Michelle spots a kid riding her bike so Jesse pulls up to him, parking in front of a hydrant as he does so.  See, I bet that his car’s gonna get towed while they’re dealing with this kid.  What is it with this show and cars?

It turns out that Michelle knows the kid and thinks that he’s a real asshole.  I guess that they go to school together or something.  They don’t really explain it.  Anyway, the kid tells Jesse and Michelle that the bike belongs to his sister so they should fuck off.  Jesse gets into a verbal sparring match with the kid, because he’s never above arguing with children, and, as always, he loses.  After being outwitted and outclassed, Jesse resorts to stealing the kids bike after he goes inside for his trumpet lesson.

After they grab the bike they hightail it out of there and I guess Jesse’s car doesn’t end up getting towed after all.  Maybe they just had him park in front of a hydrant to discreetly display what a hindrance he is to all of society.  They do that all the time, but not usually discreetly.

Jesse and Michelle come home and discover that Joey and Danny have both returned with “Michelle’s” bike as well.  Michelle tries to identify which one is hers by finding a Kermit sticker on the basket and it turns out to be none of them.  It dawns on everyone that they’ve all just run around town pilfering little girl’s bicycles and then Marcia Wallace shows up at the door and everyone decide to stash the bikes so she doesn’t see them.  It might seem more logical to just come clean to her and return the bikes but I guess that would deprive us of a lot of wacky mishaps.

Danny tries to keep Marcia Wallace in the living room as she explains to him that 3 new bike thefts have just occurred and she wants to set up Crime Catcher headquarters in the full house.  Becky sees all the bikes in the kitchen and asks the uncles what the fuck is going on and then they have to take the bikes upstairs because Kimmie Gibbler shows up at the back door.  Becky deals with Kimmie Gibbler as she sets up a bunch of crime solving equipment in the kitchen and then one of the twins comes down and calls his mom Becky, which is a throwback to the pre-credits gag for those of you that have been paying close attention.

DJ, Steve and Stephanie come home with a bunch of fliers that have been posted for the other three bikes that have been stolen.  That was pretty quick.  Also, why did they just take the fliers like that?  Couldn’t they have just told everyone about the fliers?  One of them features a police sketch-esque portrait of Jesse, which doesn’t make any sense because the kid knows that Jesse was with Michelle so he doesn’t need to post fliers about the theft, he can just figure out where Michelle lives.  Also, it’s hard enough to believe that any fliers were posted so quickly, much less one that features a police sketch.

As the uncles sit in Michelle’s room and try to figure out what to do, the rest of the kids enter the room and deduce that the uncles are the bicycle thieves, what with there being three bikes in the room and all.  They show the uncles the fliers and Jesse says that the police-sketch looks nothing like him because the sideburns are imbalanced.  They discover that each of the fliers has the bike owners address on them and agree to take the bikes back to their rightful owners.

There’s a ring at the doorbell so everyone hurries to stash the bikes upstairs again and then Jesse opens the door, revealing Leonard, the enormous dad of the kid that Jesse stole the bike from.  Leonard says that he’s looking for Jesse because he stole his kids bike which reiterates how unnecessary that flier was.

Jesse convinces Leonard that he is not the guy in the police sketch because the sideburns are uneven and says that his name is Joey, so Leonard decides to sit on the couch and wait for Jesse to show up so he can beat the shit out of him.  Further convoluting this already improbable mishap, Joey comes downstairs and Jesse refers to him as Danny and tries to discreetly tip him off that he is going by Joey so Leonard does not punch him.  Oh!  But then it gets even CRAZIER, as the girls come down and ask for Joey and both uncles respond and lots of stammered explanations follow.  None of this really seems to tip off Leonard.

The Crime Stoppers continue to do their best to solve the case in the kitchen, and I can’t help but notice that setting up your headquarters in someone’s house without their consent is something of a crime itself.  At least the people in the full house are the ones being imposed upon for once.  Anyway, Stephanie tries to distract the crime stoppers with a really shitty card trick as DJ and Steve lower the bikes out of the window so they can sneak them out of the house.  You know what the best way to get those bikes out of the house without getting caught would be?  Just tell Leonard and the Crime Catchers to get the fuck out.

Meanwhile, in the living room, the uncles sit uncomfortably close to Leonard on the couch.

Becky comes in and it turns out that she knows Leonard because he’s her butcher.  Sure, why not?  The ol’ name switcheroo confuses her and she launches into more stammering and confused excuses as she tries to go along with it.  Leonard continues to be fooled by the world’s most obvious ruse until one of the twins runs into the room and calls Jesse by his name.  See, that plot element really paid off!  Aren’t you glad that you were paying such close attention?

Leonard grabs Jesse and throws him up onto his shoulder, which seems more like a fun ride than a violent act, and then Danny runs in and explains to him that it’s all a big misunderstanding and the bike is being returned to his kid.  The Crime Catchers come into the room and confirm that the bikes have been returned and then everyone agrees that things are back to normal until Michelle’s like, “hey, cocksuckers, my bikes still missing!”  Her conviction is undeniable due to her outstretched arms with the palms facing up.

Just that moment, Derek shows up and explains that he’s had Michelle’s bike since she left it at his house last week.  I don’t know why it took him a whole week to bring it back.  I guess that he was holed up in his room singing along to Mariah Carey albums or something.

Everyone expresses a modicum of annoyance towards Michelle for being such a stupid asshole and causing so much trouble but then it’s immediately resolved when Danny announces that he’s going to take everyone out for frozen yogurt.

Marcia Wallace makes another unsettling comment about Joey’s ass and then Michelle apologizes to Jesse for making everyone look for her bike and says that she’ll try not to be such a fucking moron in the future.  Then, in a moment of irony as delicious as the frozen yogurt they’re about to enjoy, she can’t find her jacket and immediately assumes that someone stole it.  Oh, Michelle!  At least the music never came on this episode.  I guess it’s because nobody learned anything.  I mean, it’s not like they ever do, but this time we’re not even supposed to believe that they did.

Firsts:  Someone does not crash their car

Pre-Credits Gag:  The twins bowl.

Steve comes over to tell DJ something but she’s busy doing her hair so he decides to leave her a note.  Michelle’s hair ends up in her cereal bowl so Becky tells her that she’s going to fix it with hairspray and Michelle complains that hairspray always makes her face all sticky.  Yes, it’s a problem we’ve all struggled with.  Or at least we did in the 80′s.  Jesse resolves the issue by presenting a face guard that he’s invented for just that very conundrum.  After it prevents hairspray from getting onto Michelle’s stupid face that I want to punch so bad, Danny and Joey are so impressed that they convince Jesse to go into business with them manufacturing the device.

Stephanie brings DJ the note from Steve and says that he’s going to be cutting their date short that evening, which she knows because she read it due to her complete disregard for anyone else’s privacy.  It also stands to reason that there isn’t anything going on between DJ and Steve that would cause much controversy or intrigue so it doesn’t matter if you read their private messages anyway.

At the library, Stephanie notices Steve and then watches from behind some books as a woman comes up to him to discuss plans they have for later in the evening and then kisses his cheek.  Stephanie observes this with a somber expression as dramatic music plays.

The interesting thing about this scene is that there’s no context for it whatsoever.  You might assume that Steve has taken Stephanie to the library since they’re both there, but once the interaction between Steve and the woman occurs you kind of deduce that Stephanie just happens to be there and that Steve is not aware of it.  You’d at least think that Stephanie would mention that she was going to the library in the previous scene or something, but there’s literally no set-up at all.  We’ve never even seen this library before.

OH MY GOD WHAT IS KIMMIE GIBBLER WEARING?!!?  She looks like a psychedelic poster!  That actually might be the most garish outfit in the entire history of the show.  What a momentous occasion. Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler notices that Stephanie is upset and then Stephanie tells her that she saw Steve at the library with another girl.  They decide that they’d better investigate further before telling DJ what’s going on and agree to set aside their differences until the matter is settled.

All the dads come home and tell Becky about how they’ve booked time on the station’s home shopping show (I’m assuming that they mean the station that airs Wake Up, San Francisco, but, again, there’s not a lot of information provided and you have to sort of work things out for yourself) and she makes the very reasonable observation that they haven’t even manufactured the device yet.  They respond by doing what they always do, which is to totally steamroll over any reasonable thinking and continue on with their ridiculous plan.

Kimmie Gibbler straight-up picks the lock to Steve’s apartment so she and Stephanie can snoop around inside.  That’s actually pretty startling.  I mean, there’s never been any regard for privacy on this show, but I don’t know if it’s ever been to a criminal degree.  Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler start digging around Steve’s shit until the phone rings and the woman from the library comes out in a towel to answer it, which prompts the girls to hide behind the kitchen counter.  The woman in the towel has a very brief conversation on the phone about how she’s about to get married and then she goes back into the other room, at which point Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler makes the only possible deduction, which is that Steve is secretly engaged to this woman.  I like how they’re just standing in the apartment and discussing their concerns, with none for the fact that they’ve broken into someone’s apartment and could easily be overheard and discovered by a woman who is only feet away and has it within her legal rights to shoot them.

Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler finally decide to leave the apartment but then Steve and DJ come back at that precise moment so they go back to hiding behind the counter again.  The woman in the towel comes out, now fully dressed, and it’s revealed that she’s actually Steve’s cousin, Edie.

Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler realize that they’re a couple of fucking idiots and wait for the right moment to make a discreet escape.  Kimmie Gibbler removes one of her shoes for no logical or sensible reason and the emanating stench leads to them being discovered.

DJ freaks the fuck out about their sociopathic degree of interloping, which is actually pretty understandable, and then Kimmie Gibbler totally blames the whole thing on Stephanie.  DJ tells Stephanie that she’s sick of her stupid bullshit and that this is the shittiest thing she’s ever done and then she tells her to get out of her life, which makes the audience go, “aww.”  How is that even possible? They live in the same house.

Down at the TV station, everyone prepares for the infomercial or whatever it is.  OK, so, how many disastrous TV recordings have we seen on this show over the years?  I bet that I could tell you pretty much everything that’s about to happen without even watching it.  It would involve a lot of flailing around and missed cues and a generally unprofessional presentation.  There has literally never been a single incident of something being filmed in this entire series that wasn’t a complete fucking disaster.  And yet, here we are, about to see it happen all over again.  Well, shit.

Jesse shows Becky the sound effects machine that he’s brought for the recording so she can overlay applause or laughter at appropriate points.  He makes sure to label the buttons so she doesn’t mix them up with all of the other sound effects that it also makes, none of which are about to play into the inevitable upcoming hijinx, I’m sure.  Keep in mind that all Becky has to do here is remember where two buttons are.

So the taping begins and the most prevalent joke is that every time they mention the device, which is called the Sprayguard 2001, they say “Sprayguard two-thousand…and one!” which isn’t even really a joke.  But you know what?  They say it ten million fucking times.  You know how sometimes you’ll see a bit on TV and at first it’ll be funny and then they keep doing it and it stops being funny but then it goes even further and it becomes funny again?  Well, this isn’t like that at all.  This bit isn’t funny and then continues to not be funny and then it just makes you want to kill yourself.

So Jesse and Danny introduce their stupid device and then they haul Michelle out to promote it but she freezes up so they quickly shoo her away.  Then they bring Joey out in some phony scientist role and he manages to glue the device to his face.  Becky pulls him aside, which leaves the twins alone at the sound effects machine, which they inevitably start fucking with.  As chicken noises and ringing bells play over everything, Jesse rushes offstage to grab some hairspray so he can demonstrate the device but he grabs pink spray paint instead and applies gratuitous amounts of it all over his hair.

A caller calls in and tells them they he invented a hairspray shield a few years earlier and will sue them if they sell their device, which probably wasn’t going to happen anyway.  Jesse sees his pink hair and starts chasing Joey around the set and for some reason Becky loses control of the sound effects machine at this point so there’s all this yodeling and bagpipe music playing.  Finally, there’s a cut to this weird shot that I can’t make sense of at all.  Seriously, can anyone tell me what I’m looking at here?

DJ comes home and gives Stephanie the cold shoulder.  Stephanie gets all up in her grill until DJ tells her again that she needs to back the fuck up off her, at which point Stephanie gets all butt hurt and storms out of the room, which makes DJ feel guilty.  DJ follows after Stephanie as the music comes on and DJ explains that she just wants her to stop invading her privacy all the time.  I’m pretty sure that we’ve seen this exact same exchange between these two characters at least half a dozen times before, which does not bode well for the outcome of this conflict.  Stephanie continues to manipulate DJ by saying that she only broke into Steve’s apartment and went through his stuff because she too is hurt when DJ is wronged and that she was trying to look out for her.  They hug and then find Michelle listening in on their conversation at the door, which they both think is pretty cute.  Way to assure that this cycle of behavior will never come to a close.

This is maybe the most forgettable episode of the entire series.  All it does is recycle old plots and routines we’ve seen several times before, and it has no standout or memorable elements whatsoever.  Let’s never mention it ever again.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse shows the twins how to make BBQ sauce and then they pour a bunch of stuff into it while he isn’t looking so it tastes like shit.  It’s weird how malevolent the twins are turning out to be.  They always look like they don’t know what’s going on but then they constantly fuck shit up the second anyone lets their guard down.  I guess it’s not that weird, actually, given the history of behavior in the full house.  Hey, that just made me notice that Michelle’s not in this pre-credits gag.  I guess that makes it the best one ever.

As Michelle and Denise enjoy an episode of Rigby the Rhino, who’s a pretty obvious analogue for Barney the Dinosaur (bringing together the two worst pop-culture creations of the 90′s), they are enthralled by an ad for the Action Rigby action figure.  They both eagerly anticipate the arrival of their figurines in the mail because you have to send away for this piece of merchandise instead of buying it at the store for some reason.  Both girls are planning on seeing Rigby’s guest appearance at the mall later in the day and hope that the figurines arrive beforehand.

Joey had plans to see The Phantom of the Opera with Danny and Jesse and their ladyfriends but his date cancelled (they didn’t even bother introducing us to this love interest before never mentioning her again) so he gives his tickets to DJ and Steve.  DJ decides that she wants to get her hair did before the show so Jesse recommends his hairstylist, Alejandro.  DJ ends up going to Kimmie Gibbler’s hairstylist instead and comes home looking all fucked up.

Michelle’s Action Rigby action figure arrives in the mail and she’s nonplussed by how much smaller it is than she expected.  She also seems to have thought that it would have the capability to act on its own accord, which makes her disappointment pretty hard to empathize with.

When Steve comes over, DJ shows him her fucked-up ass hairdo and he tries to pretend that he likes it.  She acknowledges how bad it looks so he admits that he thinks that it looks like shit, too, and then she scolds him for having initially presented a false opinion.  After Becky and Vicky take DJ upstairs to try to fix her hair, Jesse and Danny take Steve aside to school him about talking to women.  Even though it’s been presented to us without variation over the last 6 Seasons that Danny and Jesse know absolutely nothing about women, their advice, which is to compliment women all the time, even when they look crappy, isn’t really all that bad.  I mean, it’s not great advice or anything, it’s just not as bad as I expected it to be.  I figured that these two assholes women advice would be all about how to get them to let you put it in their butt, or how to get them to pay your rent or something.

Stephanie and Michelle complain to Joey about how crappy the Action Rigby is and he says that everyone gets ripped off sometimes, then he shows them a ventriloquist dummy he sent away for when he was a kid that didn’t even have a moving mouth.  If it’s so shitty then why does he still have it?  Just in case some ugly kids asked him about it 30 years later?

They decide to call the phone number in the catalog to register a complaint but all they get is a pre-recorded pep-talk about how the figure’s not so bad.  Denise comes over and says that she’s hella pissed about her tiny-ass Rigby figure, too, and then Joey gets all riled up and says that they’re gonna gather all of their friends who feel ripped off to see Rigby at the mall.  Then he huddles with the kids and starts telling them what the plan is as the commercial break music comes on, which makes no sense.  He’s like, “alright, here’s what we’re going to do.  We’re going to go to the mall…” and then the vocals fade out as he continues to explain the plan while the music sets in.  But that’s literally the whole plan, and he already said that they were going to do that.  What else was he supposed to be saying after the audio faded out?  I don’t know why but that kind of stuff always really bugs me.  One thing I hate even more is when they do that fake inaudible whispering on shows.  You know, like, “here’s what we’re gonna do.  First we’re gonna haspuss pss pss pss…”  That shit drives me nuts.

A bunch of kids with no rhythm writhe in their chairs as Rigby performs at the mall. There aren’t even that many kids there.  Anyway, Joey, Michelle and Denise lead their gang of dissatisfied kids and they all start protesting Rigby, who immediately stops his performance and asks them what the problem is.

The weirdest thing about this scenario is that it’s not like Rigby is a real guy.  I mean, even if there was one actor who always portrayed Rigby, it’s doubtful that he’d be the one who made these shitty mall appearances.  And even if he was, it’s not like he’d be responsible for the quality of his merchandise.  Anyway, Michelle tells Rigby that the Action Rigby is a worthless piece of shit and then she gets all of the kids to start chanting, “Rigby is a rip-off!” and the rest of the crowd joins in.  Rigby makes a dash for the exit and the angry mob tries to follow him but some d-list actor who’s doing an incredibly sad rendition of Barney Fife cuts them off.

As Becky and Vicky fix DJ’s hair, they try to school her about men in the same way that Danny and Jesse are schooling Steve about women.  According to them, men are all a bunch of shitty liars who always just tell you what you want to hear so you wont get mad at them.  To prove it, they decide to look shitty on purpose to see how the men react.

Becky comes downstairs in a nice outfit while wearing sneakers and Jesse totally blows smoke up her ass.  Vicky shows off some earrings with big dangly seashells on them and Danny, totally unable to realize the obvious set-up, says that he thinks they’re great.  Finally, DJ comes down with makeup smeared all over her face and Steve is unable to tell her that he likes it.  He breaks down and tells her that she looks like a whorish clown and DJ is thrilled by his honesty.

DJ explains that it was all a big set-up and everyone learns a valuable lesson about the differences between men and women.  Actually, I guess we learned that men and women are pretty much the same, because they’re both devious and full of shit.

Joey explains to Michelle and Denise that they did the right thing.  They feel discouraged even though they actually upended the public appearance of a beloved television star, which is a pretty remarkable thing to do.  The music comes on as Joey explains that it’s good to fight against wrongful institutions and they made a big difference by taking a stand.  That’s a surprisingly liberal message.  Actually, maybe it’s conservative propaganda.  Think about it:  back in the 60′s, America invaded Vietnam and the population gathered together in massive protests.  40 years later, the U.S. invaded Iraq and nobody did shit.  You know why?  Probably because of this stupid episode of Full House and its contrived message about taking a stand.  I’m willing to bet that this episode single-handedly ruined organized protest for an entire generation.

The doorbell rings and, since this show’s never willing to let anyone learn a lesson without being copiously rewarded afterwards, it’s Rigby the Rhino, making a personal appearance at the full house.  Everyone treats Rigby like he’s a real asshole but then he gives the girls each a plush Rigby doll and tells them that every single kid who ordered an Action Rigby will also receive one.  Apparently Rigby was so affected by Michelle’s protest that he was able to swiftly manufacture these plush dolls and decided to lose millions of dollars by sending them out to all the kids who bought his crappy action figure.

Then he thanks her for reminding him that making kids happy is what he’s all about.  Michelle asks him to dance for her before he leaves and he’s like, sure, kid, it’s not like I didn’t just make a personal appearance at your house after making an incredibly bad business decision just to accommodate you.  Why don’t I do a little dance for you, too?

Pre-Credits Gag:  The twins crawl all over Jesse while he tries to finish up the accounting for his new club.  As he plugs in the last of the numbers, he discovers that they’re wildly inaccurate and then, instead of just assuming he fucked up the numbers just like he fucks up everything else, he looks inside the calculator and discovers that the twins have filled it with Play-Doh.  I don’t know why that would cause miscalculations rather than just totally prevent the calculator from working at all.  Seriously, that makes zero sense. It just doesn’t add up.  Oh!  See what I did there?  No, but really though, that’s fucking bullshit.

Danny comes into the living room acting all jittery because he’s responsible for the Smash Club’s coffee supply and has been abusing it.  It almost seems like this might be the makings for a very special episode.  This show’s definitely lame enough to do an episode about coffee abuse.  Jesse grabs Danny to keep him from shaking and then Joey walks in on them in a suggestive pose, which is the kind of homoerotic mishap that we used to see all the time on this show back when it was just remarkably terrible instead of unbelievably terrible.

Joey tells Jesse that he was able to book R.E.M. for the Smash Club’s opening night and Jesse is overjoyed.  Then Joey says that Jesse’s hair smells like melon.  I’m not really sure why that happens.

Jesse unveils to his family the garish monstrosity that is the new Smash Club.  It’s even got a disco ball, just to make it extra tacky and awful.

The girls start fucking with the stage equipment and then Danny starts futzing around with the coffee maker and Jesse gets all uptight about it.  DJ and Kimmie Gibbler display their waitress uniforms and Jesse immediately starts criticizing the modifications that Kimmie Gibbler’s made to hers.  Wait, so how are we supposed to understand that her uniform looks bad but the club doesn’t?  There’s never been any means of qualifying aesthetics on this show whatsoever.

Jesse gets all pissed off at everybody for fucking around and then, to top it off, Joey comes in and explains that instead of R.E.M. he booked the Del Rubio Triplets.  They’re not playing themselves, but rather performers named Renee, Esther and Martha, hence Joey assuming that they were “R.E.M.”  Yeah, even after it’s explained it still makes no sense.

Jesse yells at everyone some more for being gigantic fuck-ups and then he goes into the storage closet to get some napkins.  While he’s in there he finds Kimmie Gibbler hiding out and then, as they head back out to the club, the handle to the door comes off, trapping them.

Danny frantically taps the counter to work out his nervous coffee energy as Becky does a remarkably inefficient job of filling the salt containers.  Seriously, she’s doing it like she’s 5-years old.

Stephanie and DJ tell Danny and Becky that they can’t find Jesse after looking everywhere, except for the storage closet, which is one of the few places that it would make sense to check.  Danny continues to struggle with the coffee maker and I didn’t really realize until now that he’s doing this because it’s actually his job to serve the coffee.  You know what would make this opening go a lot better?  If Jesse hired some actual employees.  What, are the people who live in the full house supposed to come to this club every night and do bullshit jobs now?  Danny hosts a morning show and supports like 15 people and now he has to work nights as a barista, too?  That wouldn’t even make sense if he seemed qualified for the job. No wonder this whole opening is such an unmitigated disaster.  Jesse can’t even do one job well, and now he’s trying to do the work of like 20 people.  Anyway, Becky starts to tell DJ to set all the tables and then they realize that Kimmie Gibbler is also missing. If only they went into the storage room to get the stuff to set the tables, all of these problems would be solved so quickly.  Instead they get sidetracked by a large group of Steve’s college buddies filling up the club while chanting “R.E.M!”

Kimmie Gibbler calls being stuck in the storage room with Jesse a “crazy twist of fate” and he interprets it as her making a pass at him but then she’s like, “get real, sucka, I wouldn’t fuck you with Joey’s dick.”  Awkward!  Jesse continues to complain about how badly everything’s going and what a shitty job everyone’s doing and Kimmie Gibbler points out that he’s the one that’s fucking everything up, plus he’s being a real dick while he does it.

Joey tries to warm up the crowd with stand-up and then when nobody laughs he walks to the side of the stage and asks Steve what the problem is, which is something that lots of stand-up comedians do when their set isn’t going well, I’m sure. Steve explains that all of his friends are foreign exchange students who don’t speak english, as if we needed an explanation as to why nobody was laughing at Joey’s jokes.

DJ runs around and tells all the customers that the coffee they’ve ordered is on it’s way and then she’s accosted by Ben Stein, who’s playing a food critic named Elliot who writes a column called, “Eating Out with Elliot” for the local newspaper  I seem to remember a column in Hustler with that same name, and it sure wasn’t about food.  Also, check out Ben Stein’s amazing ponytail wig.

Becky comes over and Ben Stein tells her what a piece of shit the club is so she starts yelling at him until DJ tells her who he is, at which point she tries to pretend that her angry tirade was a performance piece.  Pretty smooth.

Everyone considers closing the club because everything is going so poorly but then Becky gives an inspiring speech about her high school volleyball coach and the resulting upswing in morale inexplicably causes the coffee machine to start working.

Kimmie Gibbler tells Jesse that it really hurt her feelings when he said that her outfit looked like the inside of a dogs asshole and then the audience goes “aww.”  The music comes on as Jesse realizes that he’s been being a real prick and that nobody had a good time as a result.  So I guess the lesson isn’t about being prepared or working hard or doing your job well, it’s just about being nice to people, even if they’re doing a really shitty job.  If that’s not the lesson, I don’t know what is.  I’m really grabbing at straws here.  But what’s important is that the music is on, so whatever the problem was, it’s fixed now.  Jesse finds an air conditioning vent in the ceiling and decides to climb up into it.  Maybe that’s the message that the music brought us:  “If you’re ever trapped in a storage closet, climb through the air conditioning vent.”  Aww.

The girls bring Ben Stein his coffee and he seems to really like it.  The horde of foreign exchange students continues to chant, “R.E.M!,” so the Del Rubio Triplets come out and start performing and then everyone’s like, “what the fuck?”

The audience starts booing so the triplets cue some unseen drum machine and start performing the DEVO song, “Whip It.”  For some reason this totally wins the audience over and they all get up and start dancing.  Even Ben Stein likes it.

No, really though, what the fuck?  This might be the most nonsensical occurrence in the entire series.  Don’t get me wrong, I like 80′s New Wave more than most people, but even still, I am at a complete and utter loss here.  Why does a cover of a DEVO song appease the crowd?  If they were performing an R.E.M. song it might kind of make sense…  were we not supposed to know the difference?

Jesse descends onto the crowd atop the disco ball and everyone applauds and congratulates him on doing such a great job, including Ben Stein, and then Jesse falls onto an older woman who kisses him on the mouth.  Ok, seriously, that’s gotta be the most baffling 2 minutes of television ever made.  I’m not even angry this time, just totally mystified.

Back at the full house, Jesse tells everyone that he just had the greatest night of his life and then the music comes on again as he apologizes for being such an asshole, then he hugs Kimmie Gibbler.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle’s two front teeth fell out.  Eww, gross!  Since Michelle is played by twins and the odds of them both losing their front teeth at the same time are pretty slim, I’d bet that the one who didn’t lose them naturally had to have them knocked out by the producers.

DJ and Stephanie come back from shopping at the mall and Michelle is sad that she didn’t get to go because everything that ever happens is all about her.  She then goes on to lament the fact that Danny still picks all of her clothes out for her because she’s just a stupid little kid, plus Danny really enjoys picking out dresses, and the older girls recall how much it sucked ass for them to deal with that when they were younger.  Suddenly, as if on cue, Danny walks into the room and makes Michelle wear a really stupid hat that he’s just picked out for her, which causes her to make the bitchiest face I’ve ever seen.

I would pay thousands of dollars to punch that face.  I really would.  I would work 12 hours shifts in a factory for years with no pay if it meant that I got to punch that face just one time.  Actually, I bet that the producer who got to knock her teeth out took on this shitty tv gig for just that reason.

After Steve and Kimmie Gibbler snake the last of the bacon in the full house, leaving Danny to wonder why he even lets them in his house that is already overrun with people, Jesse comes downstairs and starts bitching and moaning about how he has to pick a paint color for the club that he had willed to him for no good reason.  Wow, continuity!  It seems like Jesse’s reopening of the Smash Club is actually going to be an ongoing storyline.  Everyone stresses the importance of choosing the right colors for the club, which makes Jesse nervous.

As the girls prepare to leave for school, Danny gives them each money for lunch, except for Michelle, who has to bring her lunch in a lunchbox like a stupid baby.  She asks why she can’t buy her lunch, too, and Danny gives her some patronizing answer about how she’ll lose it.  Adding insult to injury, Danny puts Michelle’s humiliating hat back on her head as he ushers her off to school.

Smoldering with frustration because of Danny’s patronizing treatment, Michelle abandons her lunchbox in the backyard and leaves her hat on the dog.  I don’t know why she’s goes through the backyard to catch her ride to school, though.  Seriously, if they just built a set for the front porch it would make so many scenes like this make a whole lot more sense.

Jesse ignores his children as he pores over more paint samples for his club.  One of them utters a bunch of gibberish that is apparently a request for him to read them a story so he pulls them up on his lap and starts complaining about how much trouble he’s having with all of the decisions that he has to make for the club.  The phone rings so he pushes his children aside and then he complains to the guy who’s calling about the plumbing about how overwhelmed he is.  Becky comes in and reassures him that everything will be fine because that’s pretty much all she ever does anymore.

As Michelle plays frisbee on the school playground with Denise and Derek, Derek throws it over on to the top of the backstop.  A backstop is that tall fenced dome thing that you bat inside of when you play baseball.  I know that because I just spent like 5 minutes googling it to figure out what it was called so I didn’t have to call it a “fenced dome thing” a bunch of times.  Yeah, sorry, I don’t know shit about dick about sports.

Anyway, Denise bravely volunteers to climb up onto the backstop to retrieve the frisbee and then she goads Michelle to climb up, too, but then Danny appears on the school yard and intervenes.  He tells Michelle that she forgot her lunch and her stupid hat and I guess he just called off that day’s episode of his morning show so he could bring them to her.  She tries to blow him off and then climb up onto the backstop but then Danny’s like, “don’t climb up onto that thing, Michelle, because you’re just a stupid little baby and you’ll hurt yourself.”  He proceeds to help Denise climb down and then he makes Michelle wear her stupid hat and tries to give her a goodbye kiss while all the other kids crowd around and laugh at her.  I don’t know if they’re laughing because her dad’s trying to kiss her or just because of what her dad is like in general.  Michelle tells him not to kiss her and to stop treating her like a baby and then she walks off as Danny is left alone on the school yard to gaze ponderously at the stupid hat as sad music plays.

Back at the full house, Danny totally tunes out a story that Vicky tells him while he stews over how Michelle wouldn’t kiss him.  The most disturbing thing about it is that he’s shining a fork the whole time in a remarkably masturbatory fashion.  Vicky tries to console him but then Michelle comes home from school and snubs him all over again.  Incidentally, that’s the only time we see Vicky for the entire episode.

Jesse comes home and asks for advice about what kinds of cups to use at the Smash Club and then DJ comes into the room and says that a delivery guy just dropped off more samples in the living room.  What she neglects to mention is that the samples are toilets.

Oh!  Toilets!  Now that’s comedy!  The arrival of the toilets is the final straw for Jesse, who spirals into despair at his inability to make any decisions.  He is supported and consoled by Becky and Joey, who are able to guide him into picking a toilet for the club.  After finally making that initial decision, Jesse feels a renewed confidence towards picking out a bunch more tacky and gaudy trimmings for his stupid lame club for weiners.  I guess the moral here is that it’s ok to be totally dependent on others in order to succeed, even when you’ve already had everything handed to you.

As Danny goes into Michelle’s room to say goodnight to her, the tension in the air is palpable.  He admits that he’s been having a hard time adjusting to her growing up and is going to start treating her more like a big girl.  The music comes on as he says that he’s going to try to respect that she’s embarrassed when he kisses her and then there’s this incredibly awkward moment of tension as he says goodnight to her, starts to lean over to kiss her, and then stops himself.

He then stands in the doorway looking really needy and disappointed as he waves goodnight to her, which is one of those rare moments where the shows actually makes me laugh.  It’s not funny “ha ha,” but more funny “oh my god that’s the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever seen.”

Back on the school yard, Michelle plays frisbee with Denise and Derek again and he immediately throws it up back up onto the backstop.  Michelle rushes to climb up the backstop and triumphantly retrieves the frisbee.

Derek calls up to her that she shouldn’t look down but she immediately does and is petrified with fear.  Danny appears on the yard that very second and, upon discovering Michelle’s predicament, reassures her that she is in fact a big girl and then coaxes her down the fence as tense music plays.  Once she gets down she thanks him for his help and then he reminds her that part of being a big girl means not doing stupid ass bullshit like putting yourself in danger for no good reason.  Then Michelle kisses him and he totally jizzes in his pants.

He tells her that she didn’t have to kiss him if it made her embarrassed and she says that she’s a big girl and it was her decision, which is yet another moment that makes what should be representative of the love between a father and daughter seem deeply creepy and uncomfortable.  This is compounded by the fact that a group of kids is standing around watching this entire interaction for some reason.

Danny takes Michelle’s hand and hurriedly escorts her home before some yard monitor sees how inappropriate their interactions are and calls child services.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Stephanie tries to enjoy a peaceful moment to herself watching the clouds but then Michelle ruins it.

Danny and Becky prepare for next week’s episode of Wake Up, San Francisco, which will feature a Sumo wrestler who is going to demonstrate some of his moves on Danny.  Their discussion is interrupted by Jesse, who comes home and says that the guy who owned the Smash Club, a character that we’ve never seen or heard mention of before, not even one time, has died and left the club to Jesse in his will.  There is a brief questioning of why he would have done such a thing and they speculate that it’s because Jesse’s shitty band played there more than any other shitty band, but we all know that it’s because Jesse’s lot in life is to piss and shit his way through everything while being copiously rewarded despite his total lack of talent or effort.  Danny reads the fine print in the will and discovers that if Jesse doesn’t open the club soon then he’ll lose the deed.  Becky questions Jesse’s ability to run a club but he assures her that being terrible at everything has never stopped him before.

Michelle cleans her room and then the twins run in and yell, “pushell.”  She tells them that she can’t hang out because she has to clean her room and then they start putting her toys into her foot locker, which is apparently the sole requirement of cleaning her room, so Michelle just lays back on her bed and watches them do her work for her.

DJ, Steve and Kimmie Gibbler all come home and celebrate the arrival of Friday.  Stephanie asks them if they have any plans and they admit that they don’t, and I have to say that I’m pretty surprised that they didn’t say that they’d be watching T.G.I.F. on ABC.  Jesse comes into the room and everyone congratulates him on acquiring the Smash Club and then they talk about how much it sucks dick that they never get to see any live bands because all the good clubs are for ages 21 and over.  This provides Jesse with the epiphany that the best way to make the Smash Club as boring and lame as everything else in his life is to not serve booze or have an age limit.

Jesse tries to clean up the club to make it presentable before a lady from the bank comes over to inspect it.  It’s pretty clear that this whole scenario would go a lot smoother if he’d bothered to show up just a little bit earlier to organize things rather than hastily attempt to get rid of a bunch of garbage in a few minutes.  He brings Joey along to help him but all Joey does is get scared at the sight of a rat and break his head through the counter of the bar.  That’s actually more helpful than I would have predicted he’d be.

Joey discovers that he’s stuck just as the lady from the bank shows up so Jesse tries to conceal him by putting a bucket over his head. Joey immediately starts sneezing under the bucket so the lady from the bank investigates to see what’s under there and is startled to discover the head of the worst comedian on the planet.

Jesse and Joey try to compensate for how weird it is that Joey’s head is stuck in the counter by attempting to turn it into an impromptu sales pitch but the lady from the bank quickly tells them to shut the fuck up and quit wasting her time.  She starts asking the actual practical questions that someone would need to know the answers to before approving a loan, like if the building is up to code, and it immediately becomes clear that Jesse has done no research or made any effort at all to learn anything about what is required to open a business. Well, no shit.  He couldn’t even put in the effort to pick the garbage up off the floor so it’s not like he could be expected to read a book or something.  Jesse is denied the loan and I guess that we’re supposed to feel bad for him about how the club that he was given for free can’t be opened because a bank wont give him some money to fix it up because he didn’t even try a little bit to figure out what he needed the money for.  Why doesn’t he just hit his wife up for the money?  Or Danny?

Danny laments the sexy outfit he’s going to have to wear on tv when he gets manhandled by that Sumo wrestler.  Jesse come downstairs and is rather chipper because he was able to convince the lady from the bank to give him another interview and he’s actually going to put in some effort into knowing his ass from his elbow for once.  Michelle gives him a congratulatory hug and the audience goes, “aww.”

Michelle sits in the backyard and makes the twins do her bidding.  It’s actually a really short scene, probably due to the extremely limited capabilities of all of the actors involved.

Danny comes home all fucked up after getting his ass handed to him by that Sumo wrestler on Wake Up, San Francisco.  I guess they decided not to film that scene because it might have been enjoyable to watch.  Actually, seeing as how we would have had to have seen Danny in those little Sumo undies, I guess we can say that we dodged a bullet.  Danny presses a frozen rump roast against his sore back and makes orgasmic moaning sounds that immediately nullify my relief over not having had to see him in those little undies.

Michelle continues to order the twins around in the backyard so they call her “mean Michelle” and spray her with the hose.  Right on!

Michelle gets all pissed and starts yelling and then Danny and Becky come outside to see what all the commotion is.  Michelle complains about how the twins staged a coup after she made them her personal slaves and then the music comes on as Becky and Danny explain to her that she’s been being a real bitch and it’s not cool exploit her cousins like that.  Michelle apologizes and then they all hug and the audience goes, “aww.”  I’m kind of surprised that they used the music for this scenario since it only took up like 2 minutes of the episode.  It’s also one of the least inspired lessons in the entire series, which is really saying a lot.  “Don’t force your 2-year old relatives to pick up after you and get you water and stuff.”  You can really see how cynical and effortless the series is at this point.

The girls quiz Jesse about what the different health and zoning codes are even though he’s not required to have them all memorized by what their number is, he just needs to makes sure that his building follows them.  It doesn’t matter anyway because he doesn’t know them either way.

The lady from the bank shows up and starts going over details with Jesse.  She says that the food preparation area will have to be upgraded and then Jesse paces around and stammers while trying to remember the number of that code even though she never asked him what it was.  Michelle comes in from the kitchen, where all the girls are listening in, and comes up with a lame excuse to show Jesse her hidden piece of paper that has the code written on it.

What the fuck is this?  The lady from the bank is not asking him what the numbers of these codes are.  All Jesse has to do is figure out what the upgrades he needs are and say that he’s going to do them.  She’s not even quizzing him about what they are and seems pretty willing to provide him with all of the information that he needs.  All he has to do is say “uh-huh.”  This is just total nonsense.  The weirdest thing about it is that every time Jesse is sneakily given one of the code numbers by one of his nieces, which happens several times, he rattles it off to the lady from the bank and she just looks at him like, “why are you even saying that?”  So even the people who are making the show know that this is nonsense.  So why is it even happening?  It’s one thing when it seems like nobody who made this show knew any better, but in this case they clearly did.

After Jesse stammers and cheats his way through the interview for several more painful minutes, the lady from the bank asks him why he wants to reopen the Smash Club.  He tries to get his nieces to sneak him the answer even though it’s an open-ended question and then he makes a half-assed attempt to deliver a business-centric answer and then the lady from the bank tells him that she can’t help him.  Out of desperation, Jesse says that he’s not a businessman and doesn’t belong in her suit-and-tie world, and then the music comes on as he explains that he wants to reopen the Smash Club because he loves it and he wants there to be a corny, g-rated nightclub for freakishly wholesome people who enjoy terrible covers of songs that weren’t that good in the first place.  Then he tells her that he’s going to find a way to reopen the club with or without a loan from the bank (presumably by “borrowing” the money from his wife, or Danny) and she replies by telling him that she’s going to approve his loan.  She explains that he provided exactly the right answer because it came from his heart, which is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life.  How many entrepreneurs have been told to stick their dreams up their asses even though they were a million times more qualified and prepared than Jesse is here?  All those unfortunate, cast-out individuals had plenty of heart, too.  Jesse getting this loan for no reason is one of those cases where this show surpasses naivete and just ends up being straight-up insulting.

Finally, for no reason at all, the lady from the bank tells Jesse that she’s seen him perform at the Smash Club a bunch of times because she used to be a cage dancer there.  What?!!?

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle gives the dog a cookie for rolling over on command, and then the twins roll over on the floor so they each get a cookie, too.  Then the twins and the dog all roll around on the floor because they want more cookies.  This pre-credits gag seems like a pretty shameless effort to cram all the pets and littlest kids onto the screen at once.  At least the dog is pretty cute.

Uncle Jesse is about to enjoy his last breakfast sausage but then Michelle asks him if he’s gonna eat it and he just sheepishly hands it right over to her.  Seriously, this whole Michelle-controlling-everyone thing has gotten totally out of control. Everyone acts like she’s going to murder them if they don’t do what she says.  I think that this would be a way better show if a gigantic convict played the role of Michelle.  It would definitely make more sense of the way that everyone treats her.

Stephanie asks Danny for style advice, which is like the blind leading the blind.  Her style choices are between “post-preppy chic” and “neo-retro grunge.”  I don’t even have anything to add to that.  It just is what it is.

Danny says that when he was a kid all he had to choose from was his brother’s and his dad’s clothes, even though there’s never been any mention of him having any brothers before.  Just a sister, who had a pet monkey and fucked Joey and then was never seen again (possibly due to shame, what with having fucked Joey and all).  Anyway, Stephanie complains about how lame and irrelevant she is at her new Junior High school and Danny and Jesse lie to her by saying that she’s great and that if she’ll just be herself, everything will be fine.  What they really should tell her to do is kill herself.  Actually, she should kill Joey first, then herself.  Think of how beneficial it would be to society if that happened!  I’d settle for her just killing Joey if I had to.

Stephanie washes her hands after taking a big disgusting shit in the bathroom at the Junior High.  She discovers that the hand dryer is broken so she drags an excessive amount of toilet paper out from the stall and over to the sink for some reason.  I guess this is supposed to be some form of physical comedy but it doesn’t even make any sense.

She’s not even trying to dry her hands with it, she’s just amassing a huge amount of toilet paper for no clear reason, all while it’s still spooling from the roll in the stall.  All of this is witnessed by an alternative-looking 7th grader named Mickey, who decides to befriend Stephanie for some reason (pity, probably.  Or to feel better about herself.).

The first trick of Junior High that Mickey shows Stephanie is that the hand dryer actually does work, you just have to twist it like a combination lock before you push it, which makes about as much sense as what Stephanie did with the toilet paper.  Why is everything that happens in this bathroom so unorthodox?  Maybe the writer was raised in a shack in the woods or something and has no relationship with our newfangled water closet devices.

Down at the radio station, Jesse and Joey prepare for the new teen-advice segment of their show.  I kind of assumed that they didn’t have these jobs anymore, but now that I know that they still do, I feel only indifference.  DJ, Steve and Kimmie Gibbler arrive at the station so that they can help with the teen advice show, seeing as how their sheltered lives have provided them with such worldy wisdom and everything.  Man, I’d give anything if the advice show got a call about abortion or crystal meth addiction or something.

Joey and Jesse argue about the name of the show.  Joey wants to call it “Teen Talk” and Jesse wants to go with “Yakkin’ with Youth.”  Those are both pretty bad, but, I’m loathe to admit, Joey’s is clearly the better title.

A troubled youth calls in to ask for advice about homework but all the uncles can do is argue some more about the stupid name of their worthless fucking show.  They go out into the hallway to argue while DJ fields the question which is, thankfully for her, within her severely limited realm of experience.  After DJ dishes out some advice, she and the other teens just sit there not knowing what to do because the uncles are still arguing in the hallway.  Dead air ensues.  How can these guys have an advice show when they’re so clearly unable to manage their own lives?

Aaron Bailey has to hang out at the full house after school so he yells at everybody and talks shit about how crappy all of the food in the full house is.  He’s only in the episode for a few minutes but they’re densely packed with antagonistic contempt.  Oh, Aaron Bailey, you’re my hero!

Stephanie comes home with her new friend Mickey and Danny is troubled by her 90′s alterna-teen wardrobe and allusions to skipping gym class, sure signs of a troubled youth.  She declines an invitation to dinner, saying that she has to make dinner for her mom, who she disrespectfully refers to by her first name.  After she leaves, Danny expresses concern and says that Mickey has “an edge” to her, and then Stephanie’s like, “fuck you, Danny, that’s the only kid in the whole school that will even talk to me,” then she runs upstairs to pout.

Later, back at the Junior High bathroom, Mickey and Stephanie rebelliously apply make-up until a group of girls come in who seem awfully unruly, as indicated by one of them finishing an anecdote upon entering the room with, “so I said, ‘that’s the worst fake I.D. I ever saw.’”  That’s some truly inspired dialogue is what that is.  You really know everything you need to know about these characters from that one line, and not just because they’re all tragically one-dimensional.

Mickey introduces Stephanie to the unruly girls, who are apparently her friends.  They don’t take much of a shine to Stephanie, probably because she laughs uproariously at her own corny jokes during their introduction.  The girls begin to have a discussion common among rebellious young ladies about how attractive their math teacher is, and then they pull out cigarettes!  Stephanie tries to conjure up a lame excuse about why she doesn’t want to smoke but it’s not even worth trying because it’s already pretty obvious to these girls that she’s a total square.

I have to interject here and say that I never experienced much pressure to smoke in my youth.  Sure, it was an easy way to score points with shitty kids like this, but aside from an occasional offer, it wasn’t much of a thing.  I think it was because cigarettes are pretty expensive and hard to acquire when you’re that age, so most kids who smoke kind of want to keep them for themselves.  Anyway, Stephanie declines the cigarette and then hurries off to class when the bell rings while the girls mock her.  Mickey tells the girls to quit being such shit-talkers but then she stays to smoke as Stephanie dejectedly exits the scene.

Stephanie comes home and plays cards with Michelle and Aaron Bailey in her room but she gets all pissed off about their improvised rules so she has a big hissy fit and then goes downstairs to color with the twins.  While the babies are coloring she starts to pretend that a white crayon is a cigarette and then her mimed smoking provokes one of the twins to say, “bah stuffy.”

You know, I have much less of a problem with the twins than I did with Michelle when she was a baby because they don’t look so much like those troll dolls that I hate so much, but my biggest issue with them is that they actually emphasize the quality of the Olsen twins’ performance.  Don’t get me wrong, the Olsen twins were never remotely impressive, but it’s also true that you can’t really expect much from a 2-year old when you put them into a scripted scene.  I never considered giving credit to the fact that the Olsen twins managed to cobble together coherent lines and follow cues before these new twins showed up and started babbling and looking confused throughout all of their scenes.  Granted, it’s more of a challenge because they’re both onscreen at once so you can’t just switch them out when something isn’t working, but regardless, it draws attention to the fact that, as bad as Michelle is, she could have been even worse.  I really resent Nicky and Alex for making me realize that.

Meanwhile, down at the radio station, the uncles continue to argue over the name of their show while DJ, Steve and Kimmie Gibbler just sit there.  Wait, is this supposed to be the next day?  It would have to be to correlate with the other storyline, plus the kids are wearing different outfits.  Does that mean that these kids are regulars on this show?  It would also mean that the uncles have now spent two entire episodes arguing over the name of the show and not giving out any advice.  You know, these two fucks have been sucking so bad at every job they’ve had for seven years now. I just don’t know what else is left to say about it.  Anyway, they all decide to vote on what the title of the show should be and then DJ ends up being the deciding vote and she says the only sensible thing that anyone’s ever said on this entire series, which is that both titles are lame.

Their discussion is cut short by a caller, which makes me wonder what was supposed to be happening on the air while this discussion was happening if they’re still taking calls.  The caller is a foreigner named Olga who turns out to be Stephanie doing a really bad accent, which makes sense because who the fuck else would be listening to this show?

Stephanie masterfully takes on the persona of Olga as she asks about whether or not she should succumb to peer pressure and smoke.  The advice given is a brief PSA from the cast about how smoking is bad and anyone who pressures you to smoke isn’t really your friend and all that shit.  I’m actually pretty opposed to smoking but I still rolled my eyes at their preachy response.  I think shit like this is exactly why kids think that it’s cool to smoke.  After the call is over the uncles agree that they’ve been a couple of stupid assholes for fighting over those terrible names for the show because the real point is to help people and then they never resolve what the name should be.

Stephanie paces back and forth in her room until Danny comes in and tells her that he was able to deduce that she was Olga.  Stephanie apologizes for not telling him what happened, although you can’t really blame her for worrying that it would get her into trouble because we all remember that very special episode from one of the early Seasons when DJ got in hella trouble for knowing some kids who drank beer.  Anyway, Danny tells Stephanie that he’s proud of her for not smoking and then she tells him that she thinks that she still wants to be friends with Mickey even though she is troubled.  The music comes on as Danny tells her that she should be friends with Mickey if she wants to but if she doesn’t then she shouldn’t feel like she has to, which is the most ambivalent advice that has ever accompanied the music.  Stephanie asks Danny some more questions about how she should approach Mickey that sound remarkably like questions about dating and Danny still doesn’t really provide any real answers.  He just says that it gets easier.  Man, that was the most ineffective music ever.

Once again, we find ourselves in the girls bathroom at the Junior High.  I think it’s really odd that Stephanie’s school is wholly represented by this one bathroom.   Anyway, Stephanie is confronted by the crew of girls and the leader, Gia, immediately starts talking mad shit.  Stephanie engages her in a verbal sparring match that results in Mickey laughing at her lame retorts.  Gia decides to take her crew out of the bathroom but Mickey opts to stay behind and hang out with Stephanie.  Mickey asks Stephanie if she wants to hang out after school and she says, “I do, but my lungs don’t,” which doesn’t even make any fucking sense at all.  Anyway, Mickey says that she’s considering cutting down on smoking and then they walk to class together while talking about what a hot piece of ass their math teacher is.

That may have qualified as a very special episode and yet I do not feel as though I learned a valuable lesson.