After several weeks of being boring as hell at home with her stupid babies, Becky is going back to work.  Danny’s all upset because Becky’s return means that Vicky will be leaving and she hadn’t even developed a discernible personality yet.  Meanwhile, Joey has a stiff neck for some reason.  Finally, since every storyline has to commence in the kitchen in this first scene, Stephanie tries to get DJ to let her wear her clothes but DJ tells her fuck no.  After DJ leaves for school, Stephanie reveals that she’s actually been wearing DJ’s sweater under her coat the whole time.  Why’d she even ask then?

After the girls leave for school, Jesse gets a phone call from some record company who tell him that he sucks.  After being rejected yet again (still with no mention of the recording deal he got last Season), he talks it over with the twins because even though Becky’s gone back to work, he can still provide these incredibly boring baby-interaction scenes without her.  The scene ends with him asking the babies for “out-of-work high-fives” which I bet he used to do with Joey all the time, but even that fucker has a job now.

Vicky and Danny rub their boners all over each other right on the air during her last episode of Wake Up, San Francisco.  Danny then tells her that he’s found a position for her at the station doing the weather if she’ll stick around for some character development, but she tells him that she just got an offer for a job as a news anchor in Chicago that very morning.  What a lot of major life decisions to be made in such a short time, and all in front of a live audience that couldn’t possibly care.

After Danny whines like a punk bitch about Vicky moving to Chicago, Becky makes her triumphant return.  She makes Jesse carry the babies out for the viewers to admire and then talks about what a rad husband he is because he does all the cooking and cleaning and shit.

The next scene shows us what a good house-husband Jesse is with a rare, on-location segment of him and the girls at the grocery store.  While Jesse stocks up on Elvis peanut butter, another house-husband comes up to him and says that he saw him on the show earlier in the day and wants to commend him for speaking out for himself and all the other husbands out there who have no dick.  Jesse tries to salvage some pride by saying that he’s actually a musician but the other house-husband just smiles and says that he, too, has loser ambitions.

Meanwhile, in the most obvious set-up I’ve ever seen in my whole life, Stephanie positions herself to squirt some mustard over a free hot dog sample and, right before she can say, “I sure hope I don’t get this mustard all over DJ’s sweater, which I am borrowing without her consent” she gets mustard all over it.

Finally, the grocery store scene comes to a close with Jesse knocking over an entire display of paper towels, because I guess the family’s presence wasn’t quite obtrusive enough yet.

As Jesse finishes preparing a delightful meal back at the full house, each member of the family gives him some reason why they can’t sit down for dinner.  Jesse is eventually left alone with Michelle, who he laments to about the state of his life as a failed musician slash pussy ass stay at home dad.

Later, Jesse sits in the living room and talks shit to Joey’s Mr. Woodchuck puppet until Danny and Becky come home.  Without even saying hello, Danny immediately starts whining to Jesse about how fucked up he is over Vicky leaving.  After Danny wanders off, Jesse tells Becky that he’s got to go out because he got a gig performing with an oldies group at the airport lounge.  Becky manages to overcome her total astonishment at Jesse finding any kind of employment and instead points out that she wants to hang out with him after she gets home from work and also he doesn’t need a job because she makes hella money, plus they live in a shitty attic in his brother-in-laws house.  Jesse gets all irate and farts out a bunch of machismo before stomping off to his shitty gig at the airport.

Stephanie attempts to wash the mustard stain out of DJ’s sweater and shrinks it dramatically in the process.  DJ notices Michelle wearing it and Stephanie is forced to confess.  It turns out that the sweater was borrowed from Kimmie Gibbler, so DJ doesn’t even give a shit that it’s ruined, but Kimmie Gibbler demands that Stephanie give her a pedicure as reparations, at which point all the girls flee in terror.

Meanwhile, at the San Francisco airport, Jesse sings “Glow Worm” with a bunch of wheezing octogenarians in some shitty lounge.

The family all come to see him because they can’t don’t respect him enough to let him be a total loser in private, plus there are other plot threads to wrap up.  Vicky tells Danny that she wants to stay in San Francisco and do the weather, which leads to an extensive Casablanca homage in which Danny tells her to go to Chicago because it’s the best thing for her.  Personally, I don’t give a shit whether she stays or goes because she’s only been in like 4 episodes and doesn’t even have a single defining characteristic.  Couldn’t they even give her like a hat she always wears or something?  She’s literally got nothing.

Becky tells Jesse that his airport gig is fucking pathetic, even for an untalented musician with no real ambitions.  Jesse gets all pissy and says that he needs to provide financially for his family, even if it’s totally undignified and doesn’t bring in any real money and gets in the way of the hands-on support that his family actually really needs.  And do you now what Becky does?  She fucking apologizes to him!  I guess that’s the new modern woman.  She pays for everything, works full-time and takes care of the kids, all while her husband does nothing but accommodate his own selfish macho pride.  This show was supposed to promote wholesome mainstream family values, you guys.  I can’t believe how fucked this is.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Becky and Jesse pit the twins against each other in a speed burping match but then the old baby, Michelle, comes in and beats them both.

Becky prepares the twins for a trip to Aunt Ida’s, a character who didn’t exist before the previous episode but was such a hit that they had to at least reference her right away.  Meanwhile, the dads all gear up for a hockey game because they want to hang out like old times before Aunt Becky showed up and spoiled their sausage party.  I just realized how much less gay things have been in the full house lately, and it made me sad.

Before all the grown-ups head out, Danny thanks DJ for staying home on a Saturday night to watch her sisters and being all responsible and shit.  DJ says it’s no big deal because she thought she had a date with a hot piece of man-meat named Steve but then he never called.  Danny expresses no interest in DJ’s dating life, or lack thereof, and only pauses to remind her to help Stephanie with her book report and not to let Michelle outside because she has the sniffles.  Plot points!

After everyone leaves, the doorbell rings, revealing Steve, probably the last significant cast-member to join the series.  I didn’t expect him to show up so early.  Does that mean that absolutely nothing is going to happen over the next three Seasons? Anyway, Steve explains that he sent a note about their date but it wasn’t delivered by one of their friends, but he still wants to take her to the back row of the movies for some serious finger-banging.  DJ recognizes that this is probably her only chance ever to finally get some action so she scrambles to figure out what to do with her two ugly sisters.

DJ tells the girls that they have to come with her on the date and Michelle immediately starts giving her a real shitty attitude.  What is it with this fucking kid?  Everything she says is so laced with hostility.  She’s constantly jutting her face out and making cutty ass remarks, and yet, no one ever gets pissed at her.

DJ eventually convinces her sisters to come along but then further complication arise when Steve wants to see a PG movie.  I’m not even kidding, Stephanie totally refuses to go to a PG movie and forces them to find something with a G rating instead.  Luckily for DJ, Steve is pretty unphased by this, as he’s pretty indifferent about what the movie is, just so long as he’s finger-banging DJ the whole time.

Things get even more complicated at the theater as Stephanie and Michelle somehow figure out a way to spend all of their money at the concessions stand before they buy the movie tickets.  How is that even possible?  You can’t get to the concessions stand if you don’t have a ticket.  And even if it was possible, why did DJ give them all of the money she had?  Bringing this string of convenience-based, logic-free story elements to a climax is the sudden revelation that, hey, why the fuck not?  Kimmie Gibbler works at this theater.

DJ talks Kimmie Gibbler into sneaking her ugmo sisters into the theater but then Stephanie wants some sort of an explanation for why they don’t have ticket stubs.  I don’t know why they can’t just tell them that Kimmie Gibbler can get them in for free because she works there but instead she explains that they don’t have to pay because Stephanie’s the 1,000,000th customer.

DJ makes her sisters sit behind her and Steve inside the theater, which is totally inopportune for finger-banging.  The girls immediately start being loud, obnoxious assholes inside of the theater so DJ moves them to the back row.  Immediately after their relocation, some creepy guy comes up and starts talking to them and for a second I thought this was going to turn into a very special episode but he’s actually an usher checking people’s ticket stubs, which totally happens all the time at the movies.

DJ doesn’t even notice because she’s totally tongue kissing Steve!  Damn, I never thought it would happen.  No wonder she keeps this guy around for like the rest of the series.  DJ’s moment of glory is short-lived, however, as Kimmie Gibbler interrupts them seconds before the commencing of the finger-banging to let them know what happened to the girls.

Stephanie totally narc’s on Kimmie Gibbler when the usher guy takes them into some sort of an office for questioning.  DJ quickly shows up and concocts and elaborate story about the girls being notorious for sneaking into the movies and she lets the usher/manager guy know that she’ll be alerting their parents as she whisks them off.

Back at the full house, DJ conspires with her sisters to create a fake story to tell Danny about what they’ve been doing all day.  It takes some time for DJ to coerce them into going along with such shameless untruths, but they eventually comply, leaving their only concern to be whether or not Michelle’s feeble mind can maintain the ruse.

The dads all come home and get into a heated argument about how bad they sucked at ice hockey.  Their rage soon turns to lust, and shortly thereafter Aunt Becky walks through the door to discover them all writhing in a pile on the floor.  Oh, glory be!  The overt homosexuality makes a triumphant return!

Danny comes up to the girls’ room and offers DJ some heavy-handed praise for how mature and responsible she is for taking care of her sisters, which prompts a voice-over track of DJ’s guilt-ridden inner thoughts.

DJ sweats it out while the girls deliver their false stories but they’re all actually effective.  After buying all the stories, Danny goes into a lengthy praising of all of the girls until DJ is overwhelmed with guilt and confesses.  Danny gets really super pissed and dishes out justice by grounding all three of his naughty daughters.

After Danny leaves, the girls ask DJ why she pussied out on their brilliant ruse.  DJ explains that her conscience overwhelmed her and Michelle is perplexed because it’s pretty obvious by now that she doesn’t have one.  The music comes on and DJ proclaims that she’ll be spending more quality time with her sisters in the near future, which seems like a pretty tacked-on final sentiment if you ask me.

Firsts:  Steve, DJ gets some action

Pre-Credits Gag:  Yeah, I know.  Anyhow, Joey gets all pissed about a call that’s made while he plays baseball in the backyard with the girls.  After a shouting match, he quits the game, but is then coerced into staying when he threatens to take his ball and bat with him.

As Danny compulsively cleans the plants in the backyard, Michelle pulls up on her bike and complains that she was mocked by some other kid for using training wheels.  She tries to talk Danny into teaching her how to ride without them but he says he can’t do it until tomorrow because Vicky’s coming over and he’s gonna try to slip her the ol’ salam.  Shocked by this rare lack of accommodation, and unable to wait for a period of hours before a request is granted, Michelle turns to Joey for instruction.

Meanwhile, Jesse and Becky spend time with their new twin potatoes and I have to point out that them being parents is FUCKING BORING.  All we’ve seen so far are a bunch of drawn-out scenes of them talking to non-responsive infants while the audience goes “aww” at random intervals.

In this latest adventure, they decide to take the babies on a car ride.  Jesse wants to go to the Harley Davidson shop but Becky wants to visit her Aunt Ida, a petty disagreement that harkens back to their pre-baby days.

As DJ and Stephanie lay around apathetically and watch music videos, as all kids did in those days, Danny comes in and tells them to get the fuck out because he’s gonna try to bang Vicky in a minute.  The girls mock and prod Danny as he exudes insecurity over the brief romantic exchange he and Vicky shared at the end of the last episode.  Apparently they’ve been working together all week but neither of them has addressed what happened.  Vicky shows up and then the girls prey on Danny’s state of panic because they hate their father.

After the girls leave, Danny stammers and prances around and then he and Vicky sit down to select next weeks guests on Wake Up, San Francisco, because I guess that’s part of their job requirements.  Vicky tries to ignore Danny’s uncomfortable lust but then she slips when she refers to Henry Kissinger as “Henry Kisser.”  Although I don’t think that Henry Kissinger was a popular guest on morning talk shows in the 90′s, or any era, really, I’ll forgive it because of the delightful wordplay it brought us.  Anyway, Vicky tells Danny that she thinks that they should forget the kiss from last episode but then they continue to bask in one another’s awkward sexual tension.

Meanwhile, in a rare use of on-location shooting, Joey teaches Michelle how to ride a bike in the park.  He makes her wear a whole bunch of padding and then she gets all freaked out about hurting herself, so Joey demonstrates how easy riding a bike is.

Every once in a while this show does me a solid.  There was that time that Joey got hit in the head with a coconut, all those times Kimme Gibbler dissed DJ in front of all of their friends, or even that glorious moment when Stephanie got hit in the face, but the most cathartic moment of all may be when Joey teaches Michelle how to ride a bike and she falls in the bushes.

I know it would have been better if the bushes were full of knives, or if she was ripped apart by wolves after she fell in the bushes, or if Joey committed suicide after she fell in the bushes, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.  And I know that that’s probably a dwarf stunt double, but, hey, I’m willing to suspend disbelief a little in this scenario.  I’ll tell you one thing, tho.  After Michelle falls in those bushes, she FLIPS THE FUCK OUT!

It’s awesome that we get to see her bloody scrape.  Again, pools of blood gushing out of her because of wolf bites would have been the ideal scenario here, but if a little bit of blood is all I’m gonna get, I’ll take it.  Plus she gets super pissed at Joey, which is awesome.  She tells him that she’ll never trust him again and then walks off, leaving him behind in the park.  How’s she gonna get home?

Back at the full house, Michelle is so pissed at Joey that she can only talk to him while he does his annoying Bullwinkle impression.  Why is that better?  She starts to loosen up but then he sprays her cut with disinfectant and the stinging sensation gets her pissed all over again.  And so this drama between the two worst characters continues.

In preparation for the trip to Aunt Ida’s, Jesse passive aggressively wears his hat backwards, a move that sure to get Aunt Ida all riled up.  He even goes so far as to put backwards hats on the babies, who sit there, expressionless, while the audience goes “aww.”  Jesse and Becky then spend several more minutes overpacking for the trip because that’s the way new parents are, you guys.

Danny and Vicky continue to work together, struggling desperately to ignore their raging boners. They finally address what’s happening and agree that they shouldn’t get into a relationship because they work together, and then Vicky says, “and who knows where I’ll be after Becky comes back to Wake Up, San Francisco,” and then there’s a little pause, which is clearly Vicky putting the idea into Danny’s head that they have to kill Becky.  Maybe Vicky won’t be a completely 1-deminsional character after all.  Anyway, as soon as they agree not to do the nasty, they immediately contradict themselves by furiously making out on the couch, with heavy petting and everything.

After Danny finally gets some action for like 5 seconds, DJ and Stephanie come back to the full house and immediately blow up his spot.  They exclaim, “make out, San Francisco!” and when they’re expelled from the room, Stephanie says, “have fun playing tonsil hockey.”  Man, when I first started this blog, I really didn’t know what I was getting into.  Back when I was watching the first Season, I couldn’t imagine how this show could get any more obnoxious, but it’s actually managed to exponentially expand it’s intolerability throughout the series in such a manner that would be impressive if it wasn’t so fucking unpleasant.

Anyway, Danny and Vicky finally agree after one episode and no character development to begin a sexual relationship and he decides to give her a little preview of what to expect from it by taking her out for vanilla frozen yogurt.

When Becky and Jesse finally get all the shit they packed to the front door, the doorbell rings, revealing a surprise visit from Aunt Ida. Oh!  It was all for nothing!

Jesse and Becky spent that entire episode packing for a car ride.  Seriously.  Deathly boring.

DJ and Stephanie try to trick Michelle into learning how to ride her bike by convincing her that they just want a photo of her sitting on it but she figures out what they’re doing and gets all pissed.  Joey intervenes and tries to bribe her into learning with a VHS copy of The Little Mermaid, but even that cinematic masterpiece isn’t enough to persuade her.  Joey finds himself at a loss until the music comes on.  That sweet, mood altering music.  Joey says some inspiring words about keeping at something even when it’s hard and Michelle is finally manipulated into giving riding a bicycle another shot.

So then they go back to the park and she rides her stupid bike and doesn’t even get hurt this time.  Joey congratulates her for doing it all by herself and then there’s this really creepy close-up of her saying, “uh-uh, Joey, I did it with you.”  I don’t know why exactly but that shit gave me hives.

Firsts:  Michelle bleeds, Vicky and Danny have sex, Michelle learns to ride her stupid bike

Well, shit.  There’s no pre-credits gag again.  I’m not even gonna acknowledge it anymore when this happens.  I’m just totally over it.

Jesse comes downstairs as the rest of the family eats breakfast and then Danny and Joey totally guilt trip him about how he hasn’t been spending time with them because he has two brand new babies.  Jesse ignores their feelings, as he always does with everyone’s, and then he goes on a whole thing about what an awesome dad he is.

Vicky comes by to pick Danny up for work and then the girls all start talking to her about how bad their dad wants to fuck her.  Just as Vicky tries to break it gently to Danny that he’s horrendously unappealing, Kimmie Gibbler comes in through the back door and busts out a spread in Bay City magazine that’s declared Danny “Bachelor of the Month.”  Say Whaaat?!!?

Danny struggles to explain to Vicky that he didn’t try to get Bachelor of the Month just so he could bang a bunch of loose chicks but then he’s interrupted when a fine ass woman knocks on the back door.  I missed a lot of what she said because she was jogging in place the whole time and therefore her titties was bouncing, but I’m pretty sure that she offered to fuck Danny.

After the bouncing titties lady leaves, Danny’s like, “holy shit, I’m finally gonna get my rocks off!  It’s been like 50 episodes!” but then Michelle gets all upset because that means that he wont be around to read her a bedtime story.  The other girls point out to Michelle that Danny never gets any pussy ever, a sad fact that rings so tragically true that even Michelle is moved.

Jesse and Becky show the twins their newly finished room and then there’s a long boring scene of them being parents.  There’s an Elvis mobile and a bunch of close ups of the babies not doing anything that make the audience all go “aww” for some reason, and that’s about it.

DJ reads Michelle a story so she’ll go to sleep but then Michelle criticizes DJ’s use of tugboat noises.  Stephanie enters the room to bring Michelle a glass of water and Michelle displays a total lack of gratitude by interrogating her about whether or not it’s from the kitchen.

Even though her older sisters are implausibly tolerant of her demanding behavior, Michelle still bitches and moans about how her stupid dad isn’t around but then DJ tells her tough shit because Danny has a different piece of ass lined up for each day of the week. Since such a statement has to be seen to be believed, there’s a montage:

After the Danny-getting-hella-pussy montage, set to none other than ZZ Top (the pussy-gettin’-est of all musics), they cut to Danny bragging about said pussy on Wake Up, San Francisco.  Vicky asks him to please shut the fuck up because he’s disgusting and also he might want to actually start talking about shit that people want to hear about on his morning show.  Danny disregards both Vicky and his audience by getting into a pissy argument with her about their dating lives that climaxes with him sort of aggressively coercing her to go out on a date with him.  Although she should totally sue him for pulling some shit like that, she agrees to go on the date under the pretense that she’ll tell the viewers how shitty it was afterwards.

After Joey takes yet another message from a strange and desperate woman who wants to bang Danny, he asks Jesse how Danny is able to keep track of all of this newfound pussy.  Jesse recounts his methods of organizing all the pussy he got back in the day and then, naturally, Becky comes up behind him and gets all pissed.  Joey points out how exhausted and horrible looking they both are and then they head back upstairs to tend to their unholy spawn.

Danny tells Michelle a bedtime story that’s all about how he’s gonna fuck Vicky later and then all of a sudden Teddy walks in.  This is about as clever a reveal as you’re ever going to see on this show, as it becomes apparent that Danny and Michelle are simulating the tucking-in process hours ahead of time since Danny’ll be balls deep in Vicky’s roofied vagina by the time Michelle’s actual bedtime rolls around.

Before he leaves, Michelle asks Danny if she can come on his date but he tells her it’s better if there aren’t any witnesses.  Michelle and Teddy then share an exchange of awkwardly edited together takes where they decide to stow away on Danny’s date.

Joey and the girls make a special dinner for Jesse and Becky and offer to watch the babies for the evening.  I was pretty astonished at this display of selfless behavior, which I suppose could only ever occur for the sake of a corny set-up.

First there’s a long ass scene of Jesse and Becky trying to think of something to talk about over dinner besides the babies, which they’re unable to do.  Next there’s a scene of Joey traumatizing one of the babies by doing his terrible Popeye impression while changing his diaper.  Seriously, there’s no way that experience wouldn’t ruin that kids whole life.  The baby protests by pissing all over Joey, which serves him right for many reasons, most of which is all those jokes he told where he spit all over everything. Finally, there’s a hilarious reveal of Becky and Jesse spending their romantic dinner together sleeping.  Oh, new parents!

Danny pulls up to a fancy restaurant and then Michelle and Teddy sneak out of the back of his car.  As Danny acts like a total dipshit in front of Vicky, Michelle and Teddy somehow manage to get a booth at the restaurant.  One of the wait staff is reminded that all of the kids on this show get to eat cake all the time so he wheels a cart of it over to the kids’ table.  What is it with this show and kids eating cake?  At least they use forks this time.  Before this they always just shoveled it into their faces with their bare hands.

Danny eventually notices that his 5 year old daughter is walking around unsupervised in an upscale restaurant and asks here what the fuck she’s doing there.  Michelle complains that Danny’s never around any more to do whatever she wants all the time and then gentle music plays as Danny explains that he’s been getting hella pussy lately and he doesn’t need some ugly little girl hanging around to salt his game.  He then realizes that he should have explained to her ahead of time that pussy is magic so she’d understand why he wouldn’t be around.  He makes a special plan to tuck her in the next night and at no point remarks on how incredibly dangerous it was for her to stow away in his car and then wander around a public place unsupervised.

Back at the full house, Danny sends Michelle to bed, but not before she delivers a one-liner while making a face that will haunt me in a thousand terrifying nightmares.

Vicky tells Danny that her vagina got all moist when she saw what a corny dad he is and then Danny admits to her that he’s not really a “super-stud bachelor.”  He scores a smooch off of her as she heads out the door, destroying any intrigue her character might have brought to the show.  Seriously, what do we even know about this woman?  Not anything.  There’s isn’t a single element to her character other than Danny wanting to fuck her, and they couldn’t even draw that out for more than 1 episode.  At least Rebecca Donaldson was from Nebraska and made Jesse work for it for a few episodes.

Firsts:  the twins’ bedroom in the attic

Big Shout-outs to FHR’s 700th Facebook fan, Michael Robertson.  Your reward is the public humiliation of being called out as a fan on this blog.  If you’re not a fan of FHR on Facebook then you better get with the program.  There’s some pretty neat stuff going on over there.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Ok, see, the pre-credits gag is back again!  Can anyone tell me what’s up with this?  I’m baffled.  Anyway, in this one, DJ tries to teach Michelle how to crack eggs into a bowl.  After DJ’s explanation, Michelle says, “Duh,” cracks an egg, and then throws the egg shell into the bowl and stirs it in.  What’s her fucking problem?  Maybe she’s regressing because of the new babies or something.  Oh, wait, never mind.  She was always an asshole.

Jesse and Becky come home with the twins and then everyone stands around gawking at them and subjecting them to their grating personalities.

Becky starts abruptly crying and I assumed it was because she finally recognized the horrifying reality that she’s brought her children into but then Jesse explains that she’s just having postpartum mood swings because bitches be crazy.  DJ and Stephanie get to hold the babies and then when Michelle says she wants to hold one she’s told that she’s too little.  I have to say that I’m totally amazed at the rare judgement being put to use here.  Not only did they do the unthinkable by denying Michelle’s request, but they did it with the foresight that Michelle was totally going to kill that baby.  Remember that shit with the eggs in the pre-credits gag?  That was clearly a metaphor.

Jesse goes on a whole ramble about the babies being recognized as individuals and it’s clarified that the babies are currently being identified by their medical bracelets, plus one of them burps a lot and the other one apparently likes Elvis, or at least Jesse seems to think so because he’s actually incapable of empathizing with any other human beings, much less recognizing them as individuals, and so he merely projected himself onto his child.  The gang decide to take pictures of the babies to send to all of the grandparents that they never have on the show anymore and then Becky busts out booties that her mom made for the babies.  Jesse sees the booties and decides that they’d draw too much attention to the fact that the full house is filled with the most conspicuously closeted gay men in all of San Francisco.  When Jesse tells Becky that he doesn’t want the babies to wear the booties, she starts crying again because women are crazy, you guys, and should just stay in the kitchen, plus also have high paying jobs.

So then they take the babies upstairs and the first thing that Jesse does is show his bed to the babies and tell them that this is where he fucks their mom.

Jesse shows the babies the rest of their weird attic apartment, ending the tour with the totally unfinished room that he was supposed to build for them.

What an appropriate introduction to the life he’s going to provide for them.  “Sorry, kids, but you have to sleep on raw sheets of plywood because I was too busy laying around and eating ice cream while your mother was pregnant to prepare anything decent for you.  Plus I was jerking off all the time to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue because your mom wasn’t givin’ it up due to you dumb babies plugging up her vag-hole.  I bet I woulda written a hit song by now if you guys hadn’t been born.  Anyway, enjoy your splintery boards.  I’m gonna go lay down on my comfy bed over there, which, by the way, is where I fuck your mom.”  Maybe I’m paraphrasing, but it’s all there.  Plus I think what I wrote is a lot better than the overextended scene of Jesse kissing the babies and telling him that he’s gonna be the best dad in the world while they inhale asbestos in their unfinished room.

There’s a pretty lengthy scene of Danny hosting Wake Up, San Francisco by himself and I can’t tell if we’re supposed to know that he’s terrible at it or not.  After the show wraps, Mr. Strowbridge shows up, who we haven’t seen in like 2 Seasons or something.  I wonder where he’s been.  Anyway, he tells Danny that he needs a temporary replacement for Becky while she’s taking time off to take care of her babies with no help from her useless husband.  Danny says he doesn’t want a temporary co-host but then Mr. Strowbridge tells him that he’s already hired one and she starts tomorrow, which might seem kind of abrupt but that’s actually how every decision has been made about Wake up, San Francisco for the entire series.  Mr. Strowbridge introduces Danny to Vicky Larson, the new co-host, and then Danny immediately decides that he wants to fuck her so he starts acting like a real pompous asshole.

Becky takes the babies’ ID bracelets off and tells DJ and Stephanie that they can be identified by the color of their booties, which seems a little bit like it may be some sort of a set-up.  Becky leaves and then there’s a long, horrifying scene where the girls get all up in the babies faces and talk like god damn know-nothings.

Jesse comes upstairs after finishing beating off to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in his “recording studio” and excuses the girls.  The second they leave, Michelle comes in and is like, “am I old enough yet to kill the babies?  I mean, hold the babies?” and then Jesse chases her out of the room and totally pinches her ass.  Weird!

Left to his own devices, the first thing Jesse does is disregard his wife’s only request by taking the babies’ booties off.  Immediately afterwards, Becky asks him to bring her Alexander and then he realizes that their ID bracelets are gone.  He asks how he’s supposed to identify them and she tells him to use the booties.  He immediately starts talking again about how shitty the booties are but then Becky starts screaming and crying because women are irrational, but then Jesse is quickly able to placate her because women are also easily controlled.  Jesse then scrambles to figure out which baby is which, finally taking a wild guess that I was able to verify as the wrong one with the magic of DVD technology.

Jesse tries to wake up before Becky so he can figure out a way to identify the babies.  He treads water aimlessly until Becky wakes up and notices that the baby who doesn’t usually burp is burping.  She leaves the room to go take a shit and then Jesse decides that the babies must be switched and frantically tries to switch their places before Becky gets back.

After switching the babies, Jesse realizes that he still doesn’t know which is which and then he asks Becky what she would do, hypothetically, if the babies got mixed up, which of course stirs up her unstable female emotions.  The scene is interrupted by Michelle, who just walks into their room without knocking or anything and asks again if she can hold one of the babies.  Jesse’s like, fuck it, and decides that if he can’t even identify his babies then he must not value their lives very much, and offers one of them to Michelle.  Surprisingly, she does not kill the baby.  Unsurprisingly, the audience totally jizzes in their pants over this unabashedly saccharine nonsense.  They’ve already been going “aww” pretty much anytime there’s a close-up of either of the babies, but when Michelle kisses the baby and tells him that she loves him, they fucking lose their shit.

Even still, you can tell by the look in that baby’s eyes that it knows that there’s a really good chance that it’s about to get murdered.

Right before they begin taping their first episode of Wake Up, San Francisco together, Danny gets all intimidated because he finds out that Vicky has all these tv credentials, which he would have found out earlier if he’d just shut the fuck up for 2 seconds.  Danny and Vicky have some really forced on-air tension and then they bring out their first guest, Joey, because why not?  Joey comes out in his Ranger Joe gear and performs some remarkably improved ventriloquism, which I was almost impressed by before realizing that Mr. Woodchuck’s dialogue was pre-recorded.

Joey takes a really awkwardly arranged seat between Danny and Vicky before Vicky asks him a long question about violence in cartoons.  Danny tries to interject by explaining that Joey’s a fucking simpleton and cannot answer such questions, but then Joey delivers a lengthy reply in a rather contrived, “intelligent” fashion.  Danny cuts to a commercial break and then chastises Joey for engaging with the new co-host, but Joey just points out that Danny obviously wants to fuck her.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, Jesse confides in the girls that he’s gotten the babies mixed up and uses their junior detective kit to take one of the baby’s footprints so he can compare it to their birth certificate to identify them.  While Jesse takes one of the babies footprints, Becky shows up and wants to know what the fuck’s going on.  Jesse tries to  hide what he’s doing but doesn’t think to cover up the baby’s inky foot with the booties for some reason, and instead puts the baby’s foot in his pocket.  Although I’m going to totally hate myself for admitting this, and it definitely made me concerned for that baby actor’s safety, I actually laughed a little at the baby-foot-in-pocket routine.  It’s just such an absurd image.  I know, I probably lost like 100 readers for giving this show some credit even one time, but that’s like 2 things I ever thought of as funny over the course of over 100 episodes, and this is the first time it didn’t involve a cast member getting hurt.  Even still, I’m deeply ashamed.

Becky wants to know what the fuck is going on with the baby-foot-in-pocket routine, so Jesse finally confesses about the episode’s premise.  Jesse further explains that he didn’t want to tell her about it because she’s been such a crazy ass bitch lately, plus he has all these false aspirations about being the perfect dad that are clearly contradicted by this blatant display of incompetence.  Becky reassures him and then they make out while the babies lay in the background, ignored while they cry for sustenance.

The babies are finally identified by the footprint Jesse took and then right after the credits roll he performs a scarification ritual on one of them so that he’ll never mix them up again.

So what’s up with these new babies?  The original baby had to be played by twins due to child labor laws or something, so how’d they get these guys on here?  I’m pretty sure that they’re not played by quadruplets.  I always wondered if the new twins were supposed to be some sort of show of baby-wrangling prowess, like they were so experienced with having babies on the show that they knew they could pull it off or something.  Or maybe the show was a big enough hit that they could get away with violating all sorts of child-labor conventions?  Maybe one of you readers can shed a little light on the subject, and if not, that’s fine, too, because who cares?

Firsts:  Vicky Larson

Hey, there’s no pre-credits gag again!  The fuck’s goin’ on ’round here?

The episode begins with Michelle’s Flintstones-themed birthday party in full effect.  Damn, when they said they had to get the decorations together at the end of part 1, they were not fucking around.  This shit is elaborate!  The best part is when it’s explained that Danny got all of the props and costumes from the tv station where he works.  Well, alright.  I would never have assumed that he bought all that shit from a party store, but a tv station having an elaborate collection of real-life Flintstones sets and costumes makes perfect sense.  Thanks for clearing that up.

Jesse skulks around upstairs in his Fred Flintstone costume, resentful of the fact that his daily routine of laying down and plinking away at his guitar should be interrupted by a little girl’s birthday party.  Becky comes out from the bathroom and very calmly and cheerfully announces that she’s going into labor, which sends Jesse into a spiral of confusion and ineptitude.

Struggling to help him wrap his head around the situation, Becky explains that the indigestion she thought she was having was actually labor pains, which leaves Jesse concerned about why he himself is experiencing similar discomfort.  Ever willing to put his own troubles before anything else, even the birth of his children, Jesse declares that she can’t be in labor because he’s not ready to deal with it yet, but Becky explains that their children are about to burst forth from her loins whether he’s ready or not.  After exclaiming “Have mercy!” he flails around in a pathetic attempt to put an overnight bag together until Becky explains that she’s already taken care of it.  I bet she ends up having to drive, too.

The kids at Michelle’s party all beat Danny with clubs, which actually makes it seem like a pretty great time.  I’ve had that fantasy so many times and, although it never involved a Dino costume, I’ll take what I can get.

Jesse and Becky come downstairs and tell everyone that Becky’s gotta go to the hospital because the babies are being born. Everyone flails around buffoonishly and then Kimmie Gibbler shows up all of a sudden, I guess because we haven’t seen her for a while.

And then everyone except Michelle and her party guests leave for the hospital, straight up abandoning the children.  I was kind of hoping that the moments that followed would quickly devolve into a Lord of the Flies scenario, with casualties and everything, but instead the kids all just do that Home Alone scream and eat cake.  What is it with this show and young children shoving cake into their faces?  Eventually, Joey and Stephanie remember that they’ve left over a dozen 4-year-olds unsupervised and come back.

Jesse runs around the hospital in his Fred Flintstone outfit, being a total dick to all of the hospital staff, while Becky calmly stands around, not appearing to be in any pain or discomfort.  Danny runs in, still dressed as Dino, and Kimmie Gibbler, who is there for no discernible reason, gives him a hard time about it.  Becky’s doctor shows up but before she can offer Becky any real help, Jesse starts complaining about the discomfort he’s been having.  After a 2 second examination, the doctor makes the diagnoses that Jesse needs his appendix removed which, naturally, has to happen that very second.  It’s amazing how quickly and efficiently the hospital staff comes to his aid. It really makes me miss having health insurance.  But who cares about that, the real issue is that Jesse being a terrible, terrible, unbelievably shitty husband has just reached a new height, to such a startling degree that it could have never been foreseen.  This fucking guy just could not let his wife have a baby without causing a bunch of problems and making it all about himself.  He couldn’t just stand in a room.  That’s all he had to do.  Just stand in the room, you greasy, unemployed fuck.

Before they’re wheeled off to their separate hospital rooms, Jesse asks Becky to try to wait until he recovers to have the twins, because he had to ask her for one last thing before she went off to give birth without any help from him at all.  I’m surprised he didn’t ask her to make him a sandwich, or to listen to a song he just wrote, or for money.  This shit is just unbelievable.  This show is not a comedy anymore.  I mean, I know it was never funny, but this shit makes me want to cry.  How could this poor woman’s marriage get any worse than this?  Is he going to eat the children in the next season?  Or is he going to start choking her all the time or set her on fire or something?  I just don’t see where else this could all be leading.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, Joey and the girls scramble to send all the party guests home so they can attempt to fill the cavernous pit of non-support that Jesse has created at the hospital.  The children are all instructed to open up the present they’ve brought and present it to Michelle and then she walks down the line and ranks each gift.  And that, my friends, is the end of Michelle’s birthday party.

Danny provides an appropriate surrogate for Jesse by singing “We Will Rock You” along with Becky’s lamaze breathing and then talking at length about all the pain she must be in.  Joey and the girls come in so that they can stare at Becky and make lame jokes and then Kimmie Gibbler comes in because I guess anyone who wants to is allowed to just walk right into the delivery room.  The only people who aren’t there are Jesse and anyone on the medical staff.  Proving this point in the most hyperbolic way possible, Danny bring in the fucking film crew of Wake Up, San Francisco so they can document the birth for their audience.  The only saving grace is that Becky finally advocates for herself by kicking them out.  Up until this point I thought that her character put the women’s rights movement back by a million years, but now I’d push it up to around a hundred thousand.

After a scene where Danny complains to Becky about how difficult the birthing process is for him, Jesse is wheeled into the delivery room, so doped up on pain meds that he doesn’t even know what’s going on.

Again, the tragedy here is just unbearable.  Maybe next week I’ll review that footage of the Hindenburg disaster instead of the next episode, just to give myself a little break.  Adding to the unyielding humanity is about 30 straight seconds of Becky straining to push out the babies while Jesse sings to himself.  Damn, you guys, this has got to be the most intense moment of the whole series.  I actually thought that I had gone mentally insane while I was watching it.

After the babies are born, someone is lacking enough in common sense to let Jesse hold one of them, and then Becky thanks him for making this the happiest day of her life.  WHAT!??!  I’m astounded!  This woman is totally hot and has an amazing job.  Why does she hate herself so much?  He’d have been more help if he was dead and “there in spirit.”

You guys, I can’t stand it anymore.  This is like a fucking Greek tragedy.  Anyway, the family comes in, Joey talks in a little baby voice and then the twins are named Nicky and Alex.  Everyone sings Happy Birthday and I guess we’re not supposed to feel like we’re watching 2 new members of the worst family in the world beginning a new era of shameless baby exploitation.  Oh, the humanity!

Firsts:  The twins: Nicky and Alex

Oh, sweet, a clips show!  I’ve been waiting for one of these!  I’m surprised that such a hackneyed series waited until the 5th Season to bust one out.  I’ve been looking forward to a clips show because it’s basically a get-out-of-jail-free-card for me.  There’s probably about 5 minutes worth of new material here and they don’t even have a pre-credits gag.  The flimsy framing device is that it’s Michelle’s 5th birthday and they’re all reminiscing about how great she is.

It’s basically a look-back at the old baby before some new ugly babies become the focus of exploitation for the series.  The worst part of the episode is towards the end when they play a Ray Charles rendition of “You Are So Beautiful” over a montage of her growing up.  It’s the stuff of nightmares, I tell ya!  Anyway, I’m not gonna sit here and describe a bunch of clips from episodes that I’ve already wasted too much of my life writing about so I guess I’ll spend a little more time reading a book or enjoying precious moments with my loved ones or something this week.  But first I thought I’d at least offer you guys something since you probably still have that 20 minutes to kill at your desk job, so I went back and looked through all my old screencaps and put my favorite ones together.  So here it is, the Full House Reviewed clips show:

Remember when Danny made out with his mom?  It was right before Joey moved in.

Remember when everyone used to stare at Jesse when he was making out with chicks?  He used to get so much pussy!

I miss Bubba so much.

Why was he standing like that?

Remember when the uncles used chicken pox as an excuse to rub their bodies together?  Things were a lot more repressed in the full house back then.

I don’t know if anyone else remembers the time that Danny sang a song about tuna fish and soup, but I sure do.

This is my favorite screencap ever.

This reminds me that if you’re ever having a bad day you should read the comments section of an Enya video on Youtube.

Danny used to always look like he was going to have sex with everybody.  He still does it, but not as much.

This was a really serious scene.

Someone got paid a lot of money to make her hair look like that.

See, later on everything was a lot more out in the open.

It’s that muthafucka Duckface!

The first appearance of Kimmie Gibbler’s stinky feet.

Remember when Stephanie ripped shit up on the dance flo’?

Remember that horrible nightmare that Michelle had?

This is like the one time that it felt like I was controlling the show with my mind.

Remember when DJ said, “Dur! Dur! Dur! Dur!”

Remember when Joey got raped in prison?

I can’t think of a better single image that summarizes what this show is like.

Remember when they showed a way better show?

YES!  KILL HER!!!

That’s pretty much what it looks like inside of my mind, too.

Like two succulent hams, pressed together.

That’s supposed to be promotional artwork for an animated series.

Danny’s a really shitty father.

Looking back on all these moments makes me realize that this show is way shittier in Season 5 than it was at the beginning.  Back when I started writing this blog I didn’t see how that could be possible.  How naive I was.  How tragically naive.

Firsts:  Clip show

Pre-Credits Gag:  Hey, the pre-credits gag is back!  Can anyone tell me why they don’t always have them anymore?  I’m stumped.  Anyway, this one opens with DJ looking sad while staring at the phone because she’s waiting for some boy to call.  Although that’s funny enough all on its own, Michelle soon enters the scene and asks DJ why she’s just sitting there, looking desperate.  DJ explains that she’s waiting for a boy to call but she’s tired of hanging around by the phone and then the minute she gets up the phone rings and Michelle answers it.  Naturally, Michelle tells the boy that he’s a shithead and hangs up on him, salting DJ’s game.  Poor DJ, she’s never gonna get any ass.  Never.

Stephanie’s teacher thinks that she might have a chance at a career in professional dance for some reason but Danny isn’t sure if she should pursue it so Stephanie decides to constantly nag him until he changes his mind.  Danny warns her that it’ll be an awful lot of hard work and that she’s never been exposed to anyone with any sort of a work ethic because she grew up in the full house but Stephanie is pretty fucking determined to keep harassing him until he caves in.  Danny starts reminiscing about his youthful dream of being a high-jump champion and Stephanie uses this unrequited passion to successfully manipulate him into allowing her to take the lessons.

Everyone tells Becky that there’s no way that she’ll be able to convince Jesse to attend her baby shower but she protests that it’s the 90′s and men are way cooler about that kind of shit now.  Remember when everyone used to always say “it’s the 90′s”?  I wish I didn’t.  After everyone reminds her that Jesse’s like the shittiest husband in the world and he won’t even get a job to support his unborn children much less attend an event that’s important to his wife, Becky decides to construct an elaborate lie about it just being a regular party by inviting a bunch of Jesse’s friends.  Everyone agrees to keep it a secret but just then Jesse enters the scene and gets all suspicious.  Becky tells him that she’s organizing a party for them as a last hurrah before they become parents and then when Jesse offers to help organize it she says, “I’ll take care of everything and all you have to do is show up,” which pretty much defines their entire relationship.

Jesse, ever wiling to disregard his wife’s wishes, decides to bribe Michelle with ice cream so he can find out what the big secret behind the party is.  This sequence goes on for several minutes because apparently an ugly child’s desire for sugary treats is comedy gold.  Eventually Michelle, equally willing to disregard the wishes of others for her own personal gain, tells Jesse about the baby shower so she can disgust the audience by gorging on ice cream.

DJ invites Stephanie to help with decorations for the baby shower which leads to an exchange of expository dialogue about how all of Stephanie’s time has been taken up by her dance lessons lately.  I guess that’s much more efficient storytelling-wise than ever actually showing us these dance lessons.  Even though the situation is made abundantly clear by the girls’ exchange, Stephanie proceeds to complain to Comet about how hard the dance lessons have been and then decides that she’s going to tell Danny that she wants to quit.  It seems like these pity-parties that Stephanie has with Comet have become a pretty regular thing.  I guess that when you have two actors with such an incredibly limited range of abilities you’ll just stick with anything that even sort of works.

Becky shows Danny, Joey and DJ all of the corny activities she has planned for the baby shower but then she has to hastily conceal them as Jesse approaches.  Jesse asks if there isn’t anything he can do to help set up for the party and then makes a bunch of references that only a fucking idiot wouldn’t see as a dead giveaway that he knows about the baby shower.  Becky eventually hands him $10 dollars and tells him to go see a movie, which is yet another extremely telling exchange about their relationship.  Man, they’re really breaking it down this episode.

Stephanie comes downstairs to tell Danny that she wants to quit the dance lessons but instead they engage in an incredibly overused sitcom cliche in which he preempts her statements with a series of lengthy pronouncements about how proud he is of her for taking the lessons.  He revisits his regrets about not pursuing his dream of being a high-jumper as a youth which prompts a lengthy fantasy sequence about her future as a dancer.

Well, fuck, here we go.  Another painful fantasy sequence.  This one’s quite a doozy, too.  The most remarkably thing about it is that, for a fantasy about Stephanie becoming a dancer, it’s surprisingly short on dancing and seems much more focused around singing.  The whole cast dance around in white suits and they don’t even do us the courtesy of having them lip synch over people who can actually sing.  There’s also a surprisingly self-aware song lyric about how Danny is using Stephanie to compensate for his own unrequited childhood ambitions that’s almost actually funny.  Also, that’s a pretty goddamn cheap looking set if you ask me.

After Danny comes back to reality (relatively speaking), he grabs Stephanie and tells her again how proud he is of her and then, as is always the conclusion when this particular sitcom cliche is utilized, he asks, “now what was it you wanted to tell me?”  She tells him that it was nothing but he’s not even listening anyway because what the fuck does he care about how she really feels?

After some corny party games are played at the baby shower, Jesse comes homes and everyone yells “Surprise!”  Can I just say that this is the most convoluted premise in the series so far?  Let me see if I’ve got this right:  Becky wanted Jesse to come to her baby shower but she knew he wouldn’t so she told him that it was going to be a regular party.  So what exactly was supposed to happen when he figured it out?  Why would she put herself in that situation?  But anyway it doesn’t even matter because Jesse already knew about the secret baby shower and invited a bunch of filthy biker guys as revenge, adding an extra-ridiculous twist to an already inexplicable narrative.

Becky immediately blames herself for the mishap but then Jesse tells her that he knew about her scheme and was just playing a joke on her.  Yeah, but the baby shower’s still ruined.  Where’s the joke?  After an exchange with Michelle about how she spilled the beans about the party, Becky continues to blame herself for Jesse inviting a bunch of disgusting greasy strangers to her baby shower.  Jesse admits that he’s also to blame because he bribed Michelle into telling him about the baby shower and then they agree to always be honest with each other.  Wait, what?  Well, that may have been the most carelessly slapped together plot of the whole series but at least it’s over.

Before Stephanie’s big dance performance, Danny sneaks backstage and tells her that if her performance goes well she’ll be admitted into a rigorous Summer dance program.  Stephanie is clearly distressed over the idea but Danny continues to willfully ignore her feelings.  After the presenter has to tell Danny to turn his bright ass camera light off because it’s bothering everybody, that delightful tune “Motown Philly” by the timeless Boyz II Men comes on and a bunch of little girls dance onstage in bastardized versions of that Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation get-up except with sequins and an exposed mid-riff.  Creepy!  All of a sudden Stephanie starts to bust out some really odd dance moves that clearly aren’t part of the routine and then all of the other girls just stand there and stare at her like, “what the fuck?”  Stephanie says she’s sorry and runs offstage and then an intermission is called.

Danny goes backstage and asks Stephanie what the fuck her problem is.  She says that she doesn’t have what it takes to be a dancer and then Danny displays an abrupt and uncharacteristic insight into Stephanie’s inner workings by saying that he thinks she fucked up on purpose.  The music comes on as Stephanie admits that dance classes are hella hard and she doesn’t want to do them anymore.  Danny says that he understands and they decide that she should continue to practice dance but not so rigorously and I have to tell you that I’m totally fucking amazed.  For a second I thought that they were gonna present a bogus lesson about how it’s ok to quit when something’s hard but they’re actually bestowing us with the most elusive and necessary lesson of the entire series:  moderation.  Sweet, sweet moderation!  Up until this point it’s been totally unheard of.  Could this be the start of a bold new era of logic, tact and consideration for others?  Somehow I doubt it…

Danny and Stephanie hug and say that they love each other and then she apologizes to the other girls for fucking up the dance but none of them seem to even give a shit.  They all just shrug it off.  She asks if they can have another shot at doing the routine and then, even though there shouldn’t be any mulligans in dance if you ask me, the presenter says to go right ahead because what the fuck else are they gonna show the audience?  It’s not like parents ever expect this kind of shit to be any good anyway.

The episode closes out with a lengthy redo of the Motown Philly dance routine.  As awkward as it is to watch a bunch of little girls gyrating around for several minutes in those totally inappropriate outfits, it’s not nearly as uncomfortable as watching the cast clap their hands and bob their heads to a Boyz II Men song.  But what can I say, it’s the 90′s!

Firsts:  Moderation is practiced

This episode doesn’t have a pre-credits gag, which made me nervous because the last time that happened there was a lengthy Jesse and the Rippers performance at the end.  Thankfully that wasn’t the case this time, which leaves me wondering why we’re just left holding our dicks, pre-credits gagless.  Maybe they’re going to stop having them all together?  I’m pretty sure that bumpers like that are intended to snag casual viewers by offering them a portion of the show before they have to sit through the credits, so maybe by this point the series was popular enough that they didn’t think they needed them anymore.  Or maybe they just forgot to do them sometimes because nobody working on this show gave a shit about anything.  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Aunt Becky complains about the difficulty she’s been having with sleeping because she’s become so bloated with Jesse’s seed.  Jesse totally doesn’t give a shit and complains about how he’s been having trouble sleeping, too, because he has no empathy for other people whatsoever.  He then realizes that he’d better appease Becky if he wants to continue living off of her income so he utters some contrivances about how he wishes that he could share her burden of carrying children.  Becky says that she’ll arrange to make that happen and then the audience all go “Ooh!” for some reason while she walks away.  Studio audiences usually reserve those kinds of “Ooh’s” for sexual innuendos.

DJ comes downstairs to remind Danny that she’ll be home late because she’s volunteering her time at a senior citizens home.  I think that if most people’s high school age kids said something like that then it would be a pretty dead giveaway that they were doing cocaine, but Danny totally buys it.  DJ tries to strengthen her ruse by asking Danny and Joey what she should talk to her adopted old person about but all she gets for advice are impressions of the Three Stooges.

As DJ and Kimmie Gibbler exit through the back yard, they find Stephanie attempting to train Comet to jump over Michelle.  Why aren’t the younger girls also going to school?  Comet just sort of rests his head on Michelle instead of jumping over her and then Kimmie Gibbler’s like, “my dog can do hella better tricks than your stupid dog.”  Stephanie gets all competitive and then she and Kimmie Gibbler end up deciding to host a competition after school for all of the dogs in the neighborhood to determine whose is the smartest.

Wait, DJ really was going to an old folks home?  Maybe there’s cocaine inside.  We’re introduced to DJ’s adopted old person, Eddie Johnson, as we watch him kick the shit out of another old guy at cards who, incidentally, will play Jerry Seinfeld’s adopted old person later in the decade.  DJ and Eddie meet and have a hard time finding common ground until he starts to recall his youth playing guest roles on Sanford and Son and 227.  Eddie tells DJ that she reminds him of his estranged daughter, Gloria, and then he challenges her to a game of bumper pool.

Stephanie preps Comet and Michelle to rehearse their trick for the dog show and when she asks Michelle if she’s ready, Michelle replies with “Duh!”  I wonder if they’re gonna keep busting that one-liner out every episode.  It already feels obligatory.  Comet successfully jumps over Michelle and the audience respond almost as enthusiastically as they did when Michelle said “Duh.”

Becky coerces Jesse into coming downstairs in the pregnancy suit she’s acquired for him.  She says that she wants him to wear it so he can understand what she’s going through and I have to say that its not surprising that she’d have to stoop to such outlandish measures to try to teach this man some empathy.  She bets him that he can’t wear it for one whole day and they end up wagering the choice of wallpaper in their twins’ bedroom.  Becky wants circus themed wallpaper and Jesse, surprise surprise, wants Elvis wallpaper.  I like how they don’t even try anymore.  It’s like, “hey Jesse, where do you wanna go for dinner?”  “I want to go to the Elvis restaurant.”  “Hey Jesse, which beach should we go to?”  “Elvis beach.”

After DJ kicks Eddie’s ass at bumper pool she tells him that she has to get home to watch the dog competition that her ugly sisters are putting on and then clarifies that the competition is between actual dogs, not her sisters.  Eddie’s like, “Gee, I sure would like to go to a dog competition, but I guess I’ll just sit her and wither away instead because nobody ever invites me to anything…”  DJ is effectively manipulated into inviting him and asks if they need to check with someone to let them know that he’s leaving the home.  Eddie’s like “Fuck that noise,” and then creates a diversion by setting Jerry Seinfeld’s adopted old person up to get in trouble with the nurses.  DJ totally manages to not notice that Eddie is obviously sneaking out of the home and the two walk out with linked arms and similar vacant expressions.

Upon entering the full house, Eddie is immediately confronted with a barrage of stupid bullshit.  First he meets Jesse, who is more than happy to complain about his pregnant man circumstances to a complete stranger, and then he’s forced to meet the worst person who ever lived, Joey.  Joey’s sporting his Ranger Joe gear in this scene and it occurred to me that even fucking Joey has a job now, making Jesse an even more incredible loser than he’s ever been before.  Joey’s got a job, you guys.  A good job.  And Jesse’s just sitting in the living room in a pregnancy suit, wondering how to make it all last.

As DJ and Eddie head to the backyard to judge the dog show, Eddie becomes confused and starts calling DJ “Gloria” and telling her to get ready for school.  DJ’s like, “what’s your fucking problem, Eddie?  I’m counting on you to help me evaluate this dog show and now I’m really doubting your perspicacity.”

Danny comes home and shows Jesse the pooper scooper that he’s purchased as first prize for the dog competition.  Jesse tells Danny that he’s gonna cheat on his bet with Becky and take the pregnancy suit off for a while because he’s totally unwilling to put any effort into anything and has no respect for his pregnant wife.  While he sits and bemoans his aching back, Becky sneaks up behind him and starts rubbing his neck.  Jesse, quite naturally, assumes that Danny is the one who is tenderly rubbing him and then right before he asks for a reach-around he finds out that it’s Becky.  He tries to weasel his way out of losing the bet but Becky tells him that he’s fuckin’ done, son, and their kids are going to have circus wallpaper.  I actually have to admit that having Elvis wallpaper would probably be less psychologically damaging for a child than clown wallpaper, but a bet’s a bet.

As everyone gathers together in the backyard for the dog competition, I can’t help but be amazed that this entire event was put together in half a day.  They got like a dozen kids to bring their dogs.  I also like how Danny and Joey seem to regard the dog competition as a legitimate, important thing.  Anyway, Teddy shows everyone his dogs funny walk, which is when he drags himself by his front legs.  I’m pretty sure Teddy’s dog is played by that dog from the Mask who later had that show, Wishbone.  That dog was like the Dakota Fanning of the mid 90′s.

Stephanie gets Comet ready to do his trick but then Kimmie Gibbler shows up with her dog and then the two dogs fall in love.  Since the dogs are both too smitten to compete in the competition, Teddy’s dog wins because all of the other dogs belong to extras.  Danny awards Teddy with the pooper scooper and Teddy’s like, “This is a weak ass muthafuckin prize is what this is.  Shit and damn.”

Eddie spies his nurse coming in through the back yard and he sneaks away into the full house.  The nurse tells DJ that she wasn’t supposed to take Eddie out of the home and DJ goes into the house and finds him in her room where he’s acting all confused and starts calling her Gloria again.  DJ acts bewildered and irritated by Eddie’s unusual behavior and tells him that he got them in trouble by sneaking out. She also makes a big point about how friends should be honest with each other so Eddie explains that he has bouts of confusion occasionally.

His nurse comes in to collect him and Eddie tells DJ that he’ll understand if she doesn’t want to come see him anymore but he had a really great time with her corny family and also he’s old and lonely and is probably gonna die soon.

DJ asks Danny about what’s wrong with Eddie and they have one of those special conversations that only a sheltered, privileged child and her rich father can have.  He explains that Eddie has Alzheimer’s disease and that he’s only going to get worse and then DJ says, “I can’t believe this!  I really liked Eddie.” (Note the past tense.)  Danny isn’t able to offer much advice about caring for the elderly because he’s callously discarded two separate actresses who’ve played his mother over the course of the series so DJ just continues to feel sorry for herself.  Eventually the music comes on and Danny says some crap about how making people happy is great or something and then DJ gets up and runs downstairs.

DJ stops Eddie just as he’s walking out the door and invites him to stay for dinner.  The nurse says that he can stay even though the whole reason she’s there is to come get him because he’s not allowed out of the home and then Eddie and DJ head to the kitchen, arm in arm, to set the table.

What a patronizing episode!  This is just the latest example of Full House trying to address a serious issue and completely trivializing it in the process.  How are they going to tell a morality play about caring for the elderly by introducing a character that we will never see or hear from again?  Now that I think about it, I wonder if the writers of Full House didn’t suffer from Alzheimer’s themselves.  It would certainly explain a lot.

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